Chapter 20: Pushing You Away So You’ll Live

“So you’re saying you’re moving tents?”

“Yes.”

He answered while avoiding my gaze.

I took a few steps toward him.

But Gyesa subtly stepped back, as if he didn’t want me to come closer.

That single gesture made my heart drop hard.

Gyesa was really trying to put distance between us.

“Why?”

I asked in a trembling voice, but he gave no answer.

I stood directly in front of him and asked again.

“Why?

Is it because of me?

Did I do something wrong?”

Gyesa let out a sigh and pressed his lips tightly together.

That stubborn line of his mouth, refusing to say anything, made me clench my fists.

“We said we’d use the same tent.

We always have.”

“That’s going to change now.”

He finally spoke.

“There’s no reason for us to keep using the same tent.”

Why was Gyesa suddenly like this?

His cold attitude made ugly thoughts bloom, and I began to deny reality.

Was last night bad for him?

Had he lost affection for me because of how I looked?

My tightly clenched hands trembled.

But Gyesa only looked down at me, indifferent and cold.

“Did I… get in your way?

Or was I bad last night—”

“Aedong.”

He called my name in a low voice.

There was no warmth in it, only a warning to stop right there.

I bit down hard on my lower lip.

“If it’s because of me, I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for.

I told you yesterday.

I wanted to try it once, and we did.

So it’s over.”

As I panted through my apology, Gyesa replied calmly.

With that single sentence, he was trying to end everything.

I desperately grabbed the hand holding his bag.

But he stepped back slightly, as if dodging my touch.

In that moment, it felt like all the blood drained from my body.

“Gyesa.”

My voice wavered with tears.

But he only looked at me with those emotionless black eyes.

Seeing that unfamiliar cruelty, I slowly lowered my head.

A single drop of tears fell to the ground.

I wiped my eyes roughly and looked back up at him—

at Gyesa, who was trying to leave me behind.

“It’s okay.”

His gaze wavered briefly.

Then it hardened again.

“I’m okay.

I’ll stay by your side anyway.”

I forced a smile as I said it.

For a moment, his face twisted in pain.

But in the end, he turned his back on me and left the tent.

“You stupid crippled b*tch, where did you leave your brain?!”

One of the performers stuck out a foot and tripped me, then yelled at me instead.

I fell hard, frowning as the clean laundry I carried scattered across the dirt and became filthy again.

“Useless lame leg.

Can’t do a single trick, and you can’t even wash clothes properly….”

“Leave her.

That’s why even Gyesa dumped her.”

They snickered among themselves as I silently gathered the laundry.

“So what are you going to do now?

Looks like even Gyesa got sick of you.

Honestly, if I looked like that, I’d want to run away too.”

“Well, still, judging by how long he kept her around, she must’ve been fun enough to play with.”

I kept picking up the laundry and brushing off the dirt, ignoring them.

That only seemed to irritate them more, and their insults grew worse.

“Try selling yourself around.

There might be some freaks who’ll buy.”

“Who’d want some loose b*tch—”

At that moment, one of the clowns who’d been laughing suddenly shut his mouth.

Looking ahead, Gyesa was walking toward us.

As he drew closer, I felt the tension spike among those standing behind me.

But Gyesa didn’t spare this direction a single glance and walked right past us.

I stared at his cold back.

“f*ck… scared me.

See?

That useless b*tch means nothing to Gyesa now.”

The clown laughed with relief, while another performer smirked and shoved my shoulder.

“You used to stick to Gyesa like glue and act all high and mighty.

Look at you now.”

Each shove sent me stumbling, until I dropped the laundry again.

I looked down at the dirtied clothes.

‘I’ll have to wash them again.’

That was all my blank mind could think about.

It felt like I still couldn’t accept reality.

“Hey, you little brat!”

A sharp voice rang out.

I looked up to see Madam Spider standing there, seething.

The performers froze when they saw her.

“Aren’t those my clothes?!

They’re filthy now!”

“Ah….”

Madam Spider shot daggers at the performers behind me.

“You brats.

You shoved her, didn’t you?”

“N-no….”

‘No’ my ass!

I saw it all.

Why did you push her and dirty my laundry?

Do you know how much those clothes cost?”

“P-please.

Even if they’re expensive, they’re just clown clothes—”

“What did you say?

Are you done talking?!”

“Forget it.

Kongal, let’s go.

Damn it, that nasty temper….”

“Hey!”

At Madam Spider’s venomous shout, the performers scattered.

She spat on the ground as she watched them flee.

“Spineless trash….”

I quietly watched her, then crouched down again to gather the laundry.

“Hey.”

Madam Spider called me curtly.

I sighed and replied.

“I’ll rewash them, so don’t worry.”

She stayed silent for a moment.

I didn’t care what kind of look she was giving me.

Lately, I felt detached from reality, like a doll with its strings cut.

“Something happened between you and Gyesa, didn’t it?”

She tossed the question casually.

I didn’t answer.

Madam Spider scratched her cheek and muttered.

“Otherwise, that sly bastard wouldn’t be ignoring you like this.”

She clicked her tongue, glancing at me still keeping my mouth shut.

“You going around all shabby like this too—it’s because Gyesa told you to, right?

Trying to keep you to himself…

That bastard really does have a twisted side.”

“Don’t say bad things about Gyesa.

He’s doing it because he’s worried about me.

The ringmaster’s watching like a hawk, so how could someone like me possibly protect my—”

I stopped mid-sentence.

“Why did you stop talking?”

Madam Spider asked, puzzled by how I’d frozen.

But I couldn’t answer.

‘So that’s why.’

The reason he hadn’t answered me last night.

The reason his eyes held something unfamiliar and frightening.

The reason for his coldness.

Everything clicked into place.

‘You really haven’t given up yet.’

I slowly steadied my breathing.

Gyesa was still trying to push me out of the circus.

By ignoring me.

By being cold.

By making me detach from him—

so I’d leave on my own.

He was hurting me so I’d walk away.

But now, I finally understood.

‘I can’t give you up either.’

Even knowing he was doing this for me,

even knowing how heavy his heart must be,

I still couldn’t let go of his hand.

How could I not love the only one who ever cried for me?

How could I leave you?

I clenched my hand slowly and forced my tear-filled eyes open.

He wanted to let me go, but I wouldn’t allow it.

He wanted to leave me, but I would stay by his side no matter what.

I made my decision.

“Gyesa, have you eaten?”

From that day on, I approached him as if nothing had happened.

When I slid my share of rice cakes toward him as he ate,

he glanced at them blankly and stood up.

“You haven’t finished eating.”

I looked up at him, holding his sleeve.

He stared down at me coldly, slapped my hand away, and left.

“Persistent b*tch….”

“Seriously.

Is she shameless, or just clueless….”

Whispers followed me, but I smiled softly and went after Gyesa.

“Gyesa!”

I limped after him with my bad leg.

He didn’t look back even once,

but his pace slowed without him realizing it.

Seeing that, I smiled faintly.

As expected, Gyesa still—

“You’re going to practice, right?

Let me come with you.”

I hesitated about grabbing his hand,

but knowing that would only make it harder for him,

I chose instead to follow a step behind.

He still didn’t speak or look at me,

but he walked slowly enough that I wouldn’t fall.

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