Chapter 40: Because I can’t let you get hurt again.

What the Duke pointed out was a part of the field hospital’s administrative organization chart. My name was written as a member of the resource distribution, or supply chain.

It was an era where merchants participated in the war carrying supplies directly.

Not only food and clothing but even gems, which are key components of weapons used directly in combat, were not procured and managed collectively by the state but entrusted to merchants, reducing administrative power, which was accepted as natural.

It was partly because there was a shortage of personnel with administrative skills in a society with a high illiteracy rate, and partly because the importance of logistics was still valued lower than its actual worth.

It was too obvious what would happen if the distribution of medical supplies was entrusted to war merchants.

Instead of new bandages boiled clean and dried in the sun, bandages stained with someone’s pus and blood would be reused.

I have no intention of participating in the war holding a gun directly. The place where I am most useful is not the front line.

If I can face a platoon with my magic skills, I think I can feed a brigade with my supply capabilities.

The headquarters where the Duke will stay is naturally in the rear. I, his servant, will also perform support duties in the rear.

“Because I would be best at it.”

“Jay…”

It was an obvious answer for me, but the Duke distorted his face calling my name.

He shook his head.

“No.”

“Is there any part lacking? Tell me and I will fix it.”

“No, Jay. You can’t go.”

I blinked my eyes. The Duke’s firm expression was the face of someone who had already planned and finished everything. My efforts wouldn’t be able to reverse his decision.

Realizing that fact, my breath seemed to quicken. Just like when Spes Umbra strangled me.

“Am I, not allowed?”

I barely managed to get my voice out, but the Duke shook his head firmly.

“No.”

“Why? Because I won’t be helpful?”

“It’s not that.”

“Then why…”

“Because I can’t let you get hurt again.”

The Duke’s hand reached out. The moment I saw his hand approaching my face, I flinched and stepped back unconsciously.

At that moment, he had a face like a child who lost a treasure. As if something more precious than anything to him, even if insignificant to others, had been taken away.

He revealed his bare face as if his mask had been stripped off at once.

“I…”

I tried to say something, but in the end, I couldn’t say anything.

His hand ultimately couldn’t reach me. As if separated by a thin veil, the Duke’s hand hovered in the air above my cheek.

As if tracing a scar that couldn’t be erased.

It seemed the wound that had already disappeared without a trace was still visible in his eyes.

“Jay, you should go to university.”

When the Duke withdrew his hand and spoke, a loud thud seemed to ring in my ears.

Thud, thud.

My heartbeats ringing consecutively resembled the sound of the Duke, who had locked himself up, pounding violently on the door to escape from there.

“You will definitely be accepted. Since you are an exceptionally excellent student, someone else might appear wanting to sponsor you.”

He spoke in a calm voice as if stating the obvious, but his blue eyes wavered as if forcibly letting go of something he didn’t want to lose.

“I am jumping into the war to gain a chance to protect myself.”

A picturesque smile appeared on his face. Still with wavering eyes.

“Jay, there is no reason anywhere for you to participate in the war.”

At that moment, countless words came to mind.

Now this war had become something the Duke must win. His achievements must not be stolen either. It was absolutely not an easy task, and I would certainly be helpful to him.

But in the end, I couldn’t say a single word. Because I couldn’t state a reason for myself, not a reason for him.

The Duke’s wavering eyes slowly settled.

“I have a path I must take.”

It seemed like a short time of just a single breath, and also like an eternity. During the time I failed to find a reason for myself to participate in the war, the Duke hardened his resolve again.

Seeing his blue eyes wavering no more, I closed my eyes.

“Just as you, Jay, have a separate path you must take.”

The Duke’s whispering voice resonated loudly like thunder.

****

The Duke was right.

We were different people, and had our own lives.

Could I fully understand everything I would go through if I participated in the war under the pretext of doing it for him, not for a reason for myself?

I couldn’t give an answer to that. In that situation where people are dying and maybe even I could die, could I avoid becoming another burden to him?

I probably won’t be able to find the answer. As long as I think I cannot stay with him forever.

Since I, who think of leaving someday, who cannot accept his heart, have no right to interfere unilaterally in his life.

However, despite that, I tried hard to think of what I could gain from the war.

Honor, that was something unnecessary to me. Moreover, as a Beta, the honor I could gain no matter how many achievements I piled up was limited.

No, nothing would remain for me.

It was much more efficient and the right path to attribute everything to the Duke instead.

Money, finding ways to get blind money from people caught in madness and speculating here in Noberten was a much faster and safer way.

Would there be any other value in that war? It was a war where gold mines and diamond mines were the entire justification from the start. Noble meanings or such didn’t exist.

Knowing the fact that I couldn’t find an answer, time flowed helplessly.

The weather was such that the air was still frozen cold. In weather more suitable for locking doors tight and staying inside the house, the mansion’s doors opened wide.

Everyone was busy. Me too, no, actually I moved the busiest. I rechecked the order forms I had already confirmed. Because there shouldn’t be even a single mistake.

Actually, most items were already loaded on the transport ships. I even went out to the port myself to check the goods.

I even opened some items due to poor packaging. Low-quality goods were mixed in the herbs, and even the cotton cloths to be used as bandages were mixed with ones clearly showing signs of use at a glance.

Since I was also a merchant, I trusted merchants even less, and sure enough, I could catch some vendors committing acts close to fraud.

Even if military supplies are treated as half-blind money, there is a limit. Disposing of all caught goods and procuring new products was also a big task.

Still, I managed to ship them on time somehow, but I wasn’t relieved.

I compared the ordered items and shipped items once again. Looking again, both lists matched. Although I’m still not relieved fearing there might be unseen mistakes, there really was no time now.

Finally, I examined the Duke’s personal luggage sorted by purpose with my eyes.

“Wouldn’t it be better to take more rubies?”

The Duke handles magic of all attributes skillfully, but he was especially excellent in fire attribute magic.

Taking a large quantity of rubies whose prices have risen significantly would mean filling Count Umbra’s belly, but it couldn’t be helped.

The enemy nation Petan has banned ruby exports for a long time. It’s something Count Umbra would have cheered about.

The Duke let out a loose laugh at my question.

“You mean the preparation is perfect, right?”

My brow furrowed. Unlike someone who has to leave for the battlefield soon, the Duke looked very relaxed, and I couldn’t answer no to his words.

“I will tidy up your attire.”

I reshaped the shirt collar and dusted off any dust that might have remained on the jacket. Being careful not to wrinkle it, I put the jacket on the Duke and buttoned it up.

The Duke’s uniform, made by a tailor sent directly by the King, looked much closer to party formal wear than a soldier’s uniform.

The splendid uniform suited the Duke very well. So there were emotions surging up even more.

The departure ceremony is scheduled to be held soon. Since they propagated it day after day mobilizing even extras, it was obvious a huge crowd would gather in front of the royal palace.

In front of those many people, the Duke will swear allegiance to the King.

Knock knock, a knocking sound was heard. Only then did I take my hands off the Duke and step back.

“…Come in.”

It was time to leave. Servants entered and firmly locked the open luggage bags. As several people moved, the luggage left the room in an instant.

The Duke’s bedroom, which had been full of all sorts of things, became empty and desolate.

Apart from the large amount of cotton cloth shipped, quite a lot of cotton cloth had arrived at this mansion too.

It was for covering furniture that wouldn’t be used.

This bedroom, the Duke’s most private space, will soon lose its owner.

“Thank you for everything, Jay.”

The Duke’s farewell rang in my ears. Looking up, I saw the Duke smiling.

At that moment, I regretted. Not finding a reason to cross the sea following him.

I said I wouldn’t regret again, I tried to do so, but the passing time was creating another regret.

I grabbed the hem of the Duke’s jacket without realizing it. I crumpled the uniform I had ironed neatly myself with my own hand.

Emotions that had been shaking my insides since earlier surged up. If I opened my mouth, unrefined raw emotions seemed likely to pour out.

And I would regret once again not overcoming the impulse.

The hem of the Duke’s clothes I grabbed slipped out of my hand as if flowing down. It was because the strength in my hand relaxed. And at that moment, my hand was caught by the Duke’s hand.

“It’s a relief, that you remain here.”