Chapter 49: The Only Person

The world of my childhood, as I remember it, was black and white.

Light was black, and darkness was black too.

Whether a little brighter or a little darker, everything was black in the end.

And the darkest of all that darkness was me.

That was why… people hated me.

They despised me.

After my mother disappeared, the only adult left in my world was my stepfather.

As a child, I was terrified of him—he shouted and hit me every day.

The violence directed at me was like a natural disaster.

Something I couldn’t get angry at, and couldn’t avoid.

And yet, I wanted to be loved.

I thought that if I tried hard enough, he would hold me warmly.

“Is this all the money you brought back? You lazy bastard! Damn it! I can’t even throw you away, f*ck!”

Even when I went into gates instead of going to school and earned money, he didn’t change.

He demanded even more money and more alcohol.

He didn’t see my torn and split hands.

I clenched my teeth and swallowed my bitter tears.

Even so, I forced myself to hope.

Yeah… maybe only that one person is bad.

Maybe he’ll stop hating me.

“Oppa, why does this kid eat so damn much? We don’t even have living expenses, and he finishes a whole sack of rice! Do I have to raise a kid too?”

I never asked for delicious food or nice clothes.

As long as my body was covered, as long as my stomach was filled, it was enough.

I knew that if I wasn’t a good child, I’d be abandoned.

Whenever I heard things like that, there was only one thing I could say.

“…I’m sorry.”

I learned through my body that apologizing quickly meant getting hit one time less.

Even as I apologized with my mouth, I couldn’t understand it.

I cleaned well and did the laundry too, so why did they hate me?

Watching my stepfather’s lover frown every time she saw me, I washed myself in cold water countless times.

I wondered if I smelled bad.

It wasn’t just her.

Many people wore similar expressions when they looked at me.

It was really strange.

Why, and how, were all the eyes turned toward me so frightening?

What did I even do wrong…?

Yeah.

Even if that person didn’t love me…

If I tried a little harder, surely someone would like me.

That baseless hope was shattered in an instant.

“You can beat this beggar bastard and he won’t say a word.”

My school friends too.

“Don’t you have any clothes? That’s why you can’t fit in with your friends!”

Even the teacher.

“…Please handle family education quietly. It’s troublesome when reports keep coming in.”

Even the police who came when my forehead was split open from being beaten by my stepfather.

Everyone turned away from me.

They despised me.

They said everything that happened to me was my fault.

I couldn’t understand it with my childish mind.

I didn’t do anything, so why was it my fault?

Still, I endured it.

Still… still, because that was the only thing I could do, I endured.

That was the black-and-white past I remember.

A life without a single good memory, so colorless, tasteless, and scentless.

A worn and tattered life that felt like it could be erased at any moment.

A memory of time that felt unreal, like watching someone else’s life as a movie.

One day, one person.

From the moment I met him, my real memories began.

Overflowing with bright, beautiful colors, and filled with sweet scents that turned every moment into a memory.

That was our first meeting.

“Hey, this isn’t a place to beg. Get lost!”

That day, I felt a little good.

Good enough to smile even at the words of a scary man who treated me like a cockroach.

Just a moment ago, I had gotten my very first doll.

An older brother I met at an arcade I entered to kill time gave it to me.

He was so bad at games.

It was a simple flying game where you just moved the joystick and pressed buttons, but every time he moved the joystick, he moved his whole body left and right too.

He played so noisily that it was impossible not to look.

I thought he was stupid.

But for no reason, he gave me 500 won and a cute teddy bear doll.

He was a kind brother.

I felt bad for calling him stupid in my heart.

The blue bear doll hanging from my pants was so cute that even entering the gate didn’t feel scary.

“Hoo…”

It’s not scary, it’s not scary, it’s not scar—y.

Thinking about it again, it is scary.

Still, I had to enter the gate.

If I didn’t bring alcohol home today, I might really get thrown out.

I still remembered how badly I was beaten yesterday for coming back empty-handed.

I dashed into the gate just as people were coming out.

The inside was damp and smelled fishy.

Just standing still made my heart pound.

Wanting to leave as soon as possible, I kept lifting big rocks and throwing them against the stone wall.

I shoved the fist-sized broken pieces recklessly into a sack.

“Ugh—ow!”

Ah.

I think my finger split again.

I don’t know why I hate pain so much.

After being beaten and injured so many times, shouldn’t I be used to it by now?

Why does it still hurt every time?

The silence inside the gate was terrifying, so I deliberately made louder noises as I gathered stones.

Praying that today there would be some expensive stones mixed in, enough to buy plenty of alcohol.

That was when—

“What are you doing here?”

I flinched at the sudden voice.

Looking closer, it was the brother from the arcade.

That… brother who was bad at games.

I worried I might get scolded, but he only told me to work hard and went to one corner, swinging a pickaxe at the rock.

But… no matter what he did, he was clumsy.

He raised the pickaxe so high his back bent backward, then slammed it down dangerously.

It looked like a rock might fly up and hurt him at any moment.

“Th-that’ll hurt your back…”

“W-watch your feet…! You’ll get crushed by the rocks…!”

It was repayment for the cute doll.

My first completely mine doll.

Repayment for that.

“Hey, kid. Come here.”

It was strange.

“Don’t come into gates like this. Do you know how dangerous this place is?”

Why is this brother…?

“Use this at least. I was going to throw it away anyway… since it doesn’t fit me.”

Is this person being kind to me…?

He treated my wounds and worried about me entering the gate.

He even took off his gloves and gave them to me.

The way he looked at me wasn’t scary at all.

It was gentle… warm.

At least as far as I remember, besides my mother, he was the only person ever kind to me.

That day was the first time I met Jin Sehyun—our hyung.

Jin Sehyun, who breathed warmth into my cold, colorless world and painted it with beautiful colors.

Why isn’t he passing by…?

I don’t see him today.

I walk up and down the alley in front of the house, thinking he might appear, but he doesn’t.

I’m disappointed…

The meat I ate at his house was really delicious…

No!

The reason I’m waiting for him is just… because I want to see him.

I want to see the brother who speaks kindly to me, who treats me without discomfort.

I went to the arcade and even to the neighborhood with the buyers, but he wasn’t there.

I squatted down in front of my house and took out the blue bear doll.

It was already worn and dirty from use, but it was still the prettiest thing.

Its round eyes and short limbs were cute.

A gift from that brother.

“This bastard’s lost his mind, playing with a doll? Where did you get this? You stole it, didn’t you?!”

I was in a good mood, but the moment my stepfather appeared, my heart thrashed like it would burst.

He snatched the doll from my hands.

That was my only thing that was truly ‘mine’.

“G-give it back! I didn’t steal it!”

That was probably the first time I ever raised my voice at my stepfather, who was as huge as a mountain and as terrifying as a monster.

But the price was cruel.

My small doll was torn to shreds and scattered across the yard, and blows far more painful than usual rained down on me.

“Fine. Let’s see you die today!”

I did nothing wrong, yet I said I was wrong.

I was the one who felt more wronged and angry, but I apologized to survive.

But maybe my stepfather was in an especially bad mood that day—

The kicks to my back and thighs hurt so much.

It felt like I was really going to die.

At that moment… another rare salvation descended into my world.

“Get your foot off him, bastard.”

The only person who showed kindness to someone he barely knew.

Once again, he reached out with a warm hand.