Chapter 36: Side Story 8: The Emperor’s Confession

“U-Una, that is…!”

“I am a sinner who has yet to be forgiven.”

“Forgiven, I have forgiven you! No, you didn’t commit a sin in the first place. It was I… I was the one being unreasonable. Yes? So please, just stand up.”

Only after Ihan pleaded in a frantic, trembling voice did Hwaun allow himself to be raised by the Emperor’s lead. A sudden wave of dizziness made Hwaun close his eyes and stagger slightly; the Emperor, turning pale with fright, hurriedly swept him up in his arms, sat him on the bed, and caressed his cheek.

“Una, are you all right?”

“…….”

“I would rather you scold me. Why must you kneel?”

Ihan’s eyebrows were completely furrowed in distress. The dignity he usually held before his ministers had vanished; he looked as if he might burst into tears at any moment. Watching that face quietly, Hwaun shook his head as if he couldn’t help himself and spoke in a voice that, unlike before, was now soft and tender.

“It was my fault for making Your Majesty’s heart feel so troubled.”

“No. It wasn’t. I was simply picking a fight out of my own pathetic feelings. I am sorry for making things so difficult for you….”

Ihan apologized with all his heart. Embracing his beloved lover—whether in the Hall of State or anywhere else—was something he could be proud of, but the fact that he had been blinded by jealousy and acted as if it were all Hwaun’s fault remained lodged in the Emperor’s heart like a thorn.

Hwaun, having received an apology from an Emperor who never bowed to anyone under heaven, finally brought out the inner thoughts he had wanted to convey even through this small commotion.

“Your Majesty.”

“Mm…?”

“My past life is now nothing more than days that have already flowed away, days that have passed.”

At those calm words, Ihan straightened his posture and looked Hwaun directly in the eye. Hwaun continued:

“My ‘now’ is here with Your Majesty, and my entire future will be shared within Your Majesty’s days.”

“…….”

“Your Majesty, why do you still take a life that has already ended as your own personal loss…?”

That was what Hwaun truly cared about.

If Ihan were simply jealous of Seo-cheon, that would have been fine. If he were merely annoyed because a concubine—who should belong entirely to the Emperor down to a single strand of hair—had formed a bond of friendship with a guard, Hwaun wouldn’t have been this worried.

But it wasn’t that. Hwaun knew it wasn’t such a lighthearted matter.

What the Emperor truly agonized over was ‘Ha-un’s’ life. More precisely, it was the guilt he felt toward himself for not being part of Ha-un’s life, for failing to protect him, and for not remembering him.

Hwaun had thought that as time passed, it would naturally fade. He believed that as the time he spent as the Emperor’s lover grew longer, the Emperor would gradually let go of those irreversible days.

But the depth of the Emperor’s affection was so profound and dark that even Hwaun couldn’t fully fathom it. Even now, after many seasons had passed, the Emperor still couldn’t discard those fragile feelings. Hwaun wanted Ihan to finally lay down his regrets and self-reproach.

“Una….”

Ihan, who had been listening quietly, finally spoke. Hwaun held the Emperor’s hand and held his breath.

“You are of a nature that rarely feels jealousy, so you do not understand my heart.”

“Ah…….”

“You are a man strong enough to willingly send me to other palaces for the sake of the Imperial family and the others in the Inner Court, so you cannot know.”

Each of Ihan’s unexpected words seeped into Hwaun’s chest like grains of sand. Even now, Hwaun often requested that the Emperor spend the night at the Empress’s palace, if nowhere else.

He no longer demanded it as forcefully as before, when he wouldn’t even let the Emperor into his bedroom, but he still couldn’t comfortably accept the fact that the Emperor only visited Jeong-an Palace. No matter how much favor he received, it was a natural concern from Hwaun’s perspective.

Yet, Ihan was speaking as if those words had been a wound to him. Hwaun bit his lip as his stomach churned with a feeling like indigestion. Ihan continued:

“Perhaps it would be better if no one knew.”

“…….”

“If there were no one in this palace who knew of your past life, I might be able to set aside some of this regret.”

“Your Majesty….”

“But that isn’t the case, is it?”

Ihan’s dark eyes pierced Hwaun like sharp arrows.

“It isn’t just Seo-cheon. It isn’t just that one man. In this palace, there are so many people who knew you, saw your face, spoke with you, and lived alongside you.”

What is the limit of how much a person can love another? How desperately can one person hold another in their heart? Hwaun sometimes wondered about such things when he saw the Emperor like this.

“And yet, only I do not know.”

Hwaun’s face crumbled along with Ihan’s hollow voice. What did it matter? Why did this man look as if he had lost the whole world just because he didn’t know about those insignificant, trivial times in the Emperor’s precious life?

“Does this make sense? That even they know, that even they remember, and yet only I do not?”

“Your Majesty….”

“That you entered the palace solely to see me, and lived your life thinking of me… yet I, your only person, can never know that version of you….”

Ihan, too, had assumed it would get better with time. Though the regret was indescribable, he thought that by being grateful for the fact that they were together now and spending time together, the longing would eventually fade.

But the human heart does not always flow as obediently as one wishes. As his love deepened, his obsession with the past only blazed more fiercely.

He was desperate to remember the man who had waited for a day he might catch a glimpse of the Emperor. The man whose heart would throb alone when the Emperor’s palanquin passed by, even though he wouldn’t dare lift his head to look.

It wasn’t that he wanted to see ‘Ha-un’ right now. It wasn’t that he wanted to bring Ha-un before him this instant. Since Hwaun had decided to live by his side as Yeon Hwaun, the Hwaun beside him was his lover and his everything. He didn’t need another form.

Ihan simply wished for that man to exist within his own memories, and he was agonized by a wish that was eternally impossible to fulfill. It was an obsession he couldn’t abandon, even though he knew it was foolish.

As he spoke at length, Ihan realized how pathetic he must sound. He eventually fell silent, hanging his head like a guilty child. From Hwaun’s perspective, there could be no more unreasonable grievance than this.

Indeed, Hwaun said nothing for a long time. In that silence, Ihan felt as though he were suffocating. In this vast country, Yeon Hwaun was the only one who could make the Emperor this anxious.

Only after a long while did Hwaun open his mouth to speak in a low voice.

“Your Majesty.”

“……Yes.”

“Did you say that I do not feel jealousy?”

“……?”

At this unexpected start, Ihan looked at Hwaun with a questioning expression. Hwaun met the Emperor’s gaze softly and continued:

“No. Your Majesty, I am not as great a person as you think I am.”

The Emperor’s lips parted slightly as he looked dazed. He was too bewildered by words he had never anticipated.

Hwaun was a person who, even outside of sleeping arrangements, would talk until his mouth was dry, telling Ihan to spend more time with the Empress and the other concubines and to be more tender toward them.

The word “jealousy” coming from such a person felt so foreign it sent a chill down his spine.

“I pretend to be composed, and I say that as long as Your Majesty is happy, someone like me can spend the rest of my life just waiting for you. I tell myself that I have already received more than enough love, so I shouldn’t be greedy, and I vow it over and over again.”

“…….”

“Your Majesty, I sometimes dream that you never seek me out again, and I wake up in despair.”

It was the first time Ihan had heard this. He knew Hwaun occasionally had nightmares, but he never guessed they were about this. Hwaun had never properly told him.

“My request for you to go to other palaces was sincere. But even as I said those words, when I imagined you actually leaving me behind, my heart ached and a wave of fear would rush over me.”

“I, I am….”

“I wouldn’t dare be envious of Her Majesty the Empress or the other concubines. But Your Majesty… does that mean this feeling is not jealousy?”