Chapter 57: The Weight of Memories

“Consider it as gaining additional memories,” Xiao Ming said, having flown over at some point and now crouching on the bedside. “In truth, it’s mostly the ‘Su Xinxin’ body’s instinctual memories. They won’t directly affect your original soul.”

Su Xinxin first nodded, then looked at the little spirit.

“It’s strange,” she mused, “why are you up so early today?”

Xiao Ming’s paws drooped, a helpless expression on their face. “It’s almost noon, twelve o’clock. Master, you probably received too much memory information all at once, which made you sleep longer.”

“Alright then,” she conceded. “I’ll go make lunch.”

She didn’t press further about the memories.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to ask; she simply didn’t know where to begin. The sheer volume of information flooding her mind demanded time for her to slowly digest it.

****

At the lunch table, Su Xinxin picked up a piece of cauliflower, about to bring it to her mouth.

Her chopsticks paused mid-air.

‘Eat it,’ her hand seemed to say. ‘Why aren’t you eating?’

‘Release the cauliflower,’ her mouth countered. ‘How can you eat something so adorable?’

‘Of course you should eat something this nutritious,’ her eyes insisted. ‘It’s green and healthy, what could be better?’

‘Yes,’ her brain affirmed. ‘It’s so nourishing; the baby should eat more.’

Su Xinxin froze there, chopsticks suspended, caught in an awkward dilemma.

Ultimately, her hand conceded. However, she placed the cauliflower into Xiao Ming’s bowl instead.

“Eat more, eat more,” she urged, adding another piece, then another.

Xiao Ming lowered their head, gazing at the small mountain of cauliflower piled in their bowl. They then looked up, their expression suddenly turning subtle.

“So… Su Xinxin doesn’t like cauliflower, huh?”

Their tone, their expression—it truly resembled that of a villain.

If she had to describe it, it was like the smile of the girl saying “Waku Waku” in *Spy x Family*. Or the main cast from *The Stone Age*. Or even the ‘King of Facial Expressions’ from *Game Card King*… Wait.

Hang on.

These anime… had she watched them all?

She put down her chopsticks and, for some unknown reason, instinctively picked up the phone that was always nearby. She scrolled through her recent browsing history, searching. Nothing.

None of these were among the things she’d watched recently.

It was ‘Su Xinxin’s’ memories. Many of those memories—about anime, games, and online surfing—were not hers. Yet now, they resided in her mind, as if she had truly watched, played, and scrolled through them herself.

“Is this what you meant by—the body’s instinctual memories?”

“Yes,” Xiao Ming nodded. “You can also think about the college entrance exam a month ago, and events from several months prior.”

Su Xinxin tried to recall. The days spent striving for the college entrance exam, the endless test papers, the formulas she couldn’t finish memorizing, the late nights where she fought to keep her eyes open—all of it was vividly present, as if she had experienced it firsthand. Only a few minor details were missing.

A book, a few pages of text, had transformed eighteen years of memories into her own.

Su Xinxin looked at Xiao Ming, a peculiar feeling stirring within her. If the organization truly intended to do something terrible to her, she wouldn’t even have the strength to struggle. This life, from beginning to end, was not her own.

“Alright, alright!” Xiao Ming gently patted her hand with a paw. “Master, don’t overthink things again. Even though the previous memories were given to you, your future memories still belong to you. You still have freedom; it’s not like you’ve been sold to the organization as a s*ave…”

They glanced down at the cauliflower in their bowl, then pushed it back towards Su Xinxin.

“This cauliflower is so nutritious; you, Master, should eat more of it. At eighteen, you’re still growing.”

Su Xinxin looked at Xiao Ming, then at the pile of cauliflower in the bowl.

She took a deep breath.

She picked up a piece, closed her eyes, and put it in her mouth.

She chewed twice.

It was flavorless. Cauliflower itself had no strong taste. Yet, as she chewed, she felt a bitter taste in her mouth.

‘Ugh! It’s so awful!’

****

After lunch, Su Xinxin sat on the sofa, still pondering the cauliflower.

“So,” she began slowly, “am I still Old Man Gu, or am I Su Xinxin now?”

Xiao Ming crouched on the coffee table, tilting their head in thought.

“You are Old Man Gu. You’ve simply gained ‘Su Xinxin’s’ eighteen years of memories.”

“But how do I know which thoughts are mine and which are hers?”

Xiao Ming didn’t answer immediately.

Su Xinxin brought up the cauliflower she’d eaten at lunch again.

“I used to not be a picky eater,” she said.

“Mhm.”

“Now, why is it…?”

She left the sentence unfinished. She watched the sunlight stream through the window, falling onto the coffee table. The room was quiet.

“Master,” Xiao Ming said, “were your daughters ever picky eaters when they were little?”

Su Xinxin paused, surprised.

“Yes, I still remember,” she replied. “My eldest didn’t like bitter melon, my second didn’t like cilantro, and my third didn’t like white radish.”

“What did you tell them back then?” Xiao Ming pressed.

Su Xinxin was silent for a moment.

“I told them… if they didn’t like it, they didn’t have to eat it. It wasn’t a big deal.”

After saying it, she laughed to herself. As she laughed, a hint of sadness welled up, making her want to cry.

“Exactly,” Xiao Ming hopped onto her shoulder. “Master, if you don’t like it now, then don’t eat it. While it’s true you can’t go back to being Old Man Gu, you won’t have to continue being 100% the ‘Su Xinxin’ from the book either. Some things can’t be changed, but in the future, you can decide what kind of ‘Su Xinxin’ you want to be… Oh, provided it doesn’t conflict with the basic settings.”

Su Xinxin nodded, saying nothing more.

****

The afternoon passed uneventfully. She had intended to read, but the intrusive memories kept surfacing, like disobedient neighbors constantly wanting to visit.

She picked up her phone and scrolled through some videos, noticing that the recommended content had changed. She opened her following list and scrolled down—anime vloggers, fashion influencers, beauty gurus, and a few cute pet accounts.

Su Xinxin looked at them, feeling a sense of disorientation. These seemed to be ‘her’ favorites, yet also not quite.

“Xiao Ming,” she asked suddenly, “do you think I’ll slowly become the real Su Xinxin eventually? Will I forget my original self?”

Xiao Ming shook their head.

“No. Your original memories are your roots. As long as the roots are there, the tree won’t fall.”

“But those memories will still influence me.”

“Influence doesn’t equal replacement,” Xiao Ming explained. “It’s like learning something new; you don’t forget the old, you just know more.”

Su Xinxin considered this. Perhaps… perhaps it was true.

****

As evening approached, Su Xinxin went to collect the clothes. As she looked at them, the associated memories flooded in, as if recalling when each piece was bought—some were gifts from ‘relatives,’ others ‘Su Xinxin’ had purchased herself.

She then looked at the house she was living in now, suddenly feeling that it wasn’t so unfamiliar anymore.

She seemed to be making peace with these memories, no longer repulsed by them. Following a memory, she walked to a counter, imagining acrylic character standees on it, a Cinnamoroll plushie beside it, and her own handmade quicksand mahjong tiles.

“Xiao Ming.”

“Hmm?”

“What do you think Su Xinxin’s current home should look like?”

Xiao Ming jumped from her shoulder and crouched on the coffee table.

“Have you recalled it all?”

Su Xinxin paused.

“More or less…”

Xiao Ming nodded, the silver ring on their ear flashing. The image she had just envisioned appeared on the counter. Then came the coffee table, adorned with a family portrait. Beside the coffee table, there should be a snack cabinet, holding potato chips, instant noodles, and spicy strips. And on the wall, there should be an impressionistic oil painting of flowers.

The scene slowly rotated, as if someone were walking through the room. The living room, the kitchen, her bedroom…

Finally, Su Xinxin stared at the family portrait for a long time.

“Dad, Mom…” she whispered softly, her emotions complex, still on the verge of tears.

Xiao Ming offered no reply.

Su Xinxin remained silent as well. She recalled a particularly blurry segment among the memories that had flooded her mind, as if it had been deliberately suppressed. So that was it.

****

That night, Su Xinxin went to take a bath quite early. She remembered that she had essentially been unconscious and asleep the day before without bathing, so she headed in. This time, however, it took much longer than usual.

“Why are you taking so long today? I’ve already watched two episodes of anime!”

Xiao Ming pointed to Su Xinxin’s phone. They usually watched popular anime with Su Xinxin to learn new things.

“Uh… maybe it’s because of all the extra memories and knowledge. I realized some areas still need serious… Oh, let’s not talk about it!”

Su Xinxin closed her eyes and flopped onto the bed.

‘Never mind. If this body is used to it, then so be it.’

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