Chapter 25: Things That Don’t Feel Like Mine

I turned my head to look out the car window.

After hesitating at the sight of the dark figure outside, I realized there was no way to avoid him in the end, so I opened the car door.

“Why. Looking for me?”

Though these days, it feels like you’re the only one who ever does.

Jungwon let out a slow breath and lowered his head slightly to look at me.

“I couldn’t find you, so I was looking around.”

“I was tired, so I closed my eyes for a bit.”

And then I smiled the way I always did to mean, I’m fine.

Even Jungwon, who’d looked so lively in front of the camera earlier, seemed exhausted from the long shoot. His complexion was a little pale. From below, I could clearly see the dense line of delicate lower lashes beneath his eyes, and the skin near the waterline looked faintly red.

“That shoot earlier looked rough. Are you okay?”

“I wasn’t feeling great from the start today.”

“Why? Coming down with something?”

“I don’t think that’s it.”

And after that, there wasn’t anything left to say.

I looked at Jungwon standing awkwardly outside the door. Now that I looked again, the exhaustion on his face was painfully obvious. Just thinking about the things I’d been thinking about this youngest member made me feel ashamed of myself.

Maybe that was why I tried even harder to sound gentle.

“You look pretty tired too.”

“A little.”

I hadn’t expected him to admit it so easily.

After flashing a brief, habitual smile, Jungwon answered in a heavy voice that sounded like it had been dragged down by a weight.

“It’s harder than I expected.”

“Then go home first. Your shoot already ended.”

“You should go too, hyung.”

“I’ll say goodbye separately before I leave.”

“I’ll do it with you.”

And without even waiting for my response, he turned and walked off on his own.

I started to get up to call after him, but he’d already slipped between the parked cars and disappeared. Right when I was debating whether to close the door and wait, Jungwon came back.

He had the keys in his hand.

Climbing into the driver’s seat, he spoke to me.

“I said goodbye and got the keys.”

“What did you tell them?”

“That you weren’t feeling well and were leaving early. I said goodbye for you too, hyung.”

“We’re really leaving?”

“It’s basically over anyway. I’ll drive you.”

“I’m fine. I can get back on my own.”

I tried saying that, but Jungwon ignored me completely and started the engine.

I’d been hesitating because everyone else was still working hard and I felt self-conscious about leaving first, but now that things had turned out like this, I just felt awkward.

Still, I wasn’t exactly in a position to argue, so I leaned the back of my neck against the seat and closed my eyes.

Feeling the faint sway of the ride in and out of sleep, I realized we were already near my officetel. I tapped the front seat with my hand.

“How are you getting home?”

“I’ll take this car. Go on upstairs.”

“Thanks. Get home safe.”

After getting out of the car, I waved toward the darkly tinted window where I couldn’t even see him clearly through the glass.

I started toward the building, then turned and walked the other way instead.

While walking, I heard footsteps following behind me.

Even after hearing them, I pretended not to notice and kept going.

“Where are you going?”

“To the convenience store.”

“What are you buying?”

“Beer.”

The moment he stepped up beside me, it was obvious from the shape of his eyes that he disapproved.

“You’re tired. Just go sleep.”

“I’m drinking.”

“I’m not saying don’t drink at all. I’m just stopping you because you’re exhausted today.”

“Still.”

Earlier, I’d felt so f*cking miserable that I’d already decided I was absolutely having at least one can tonight.

In the end, Jungwon followed me all the way into the convenience store.

The clerk looked half asleep too, probably because of the hour. He stared at me for a second longer than necessary before deciding it wasn’t worth caring about.

But Jungwon definitely seemed to have noticed something.

I could feel him repeatedly glancing at my face, but I pretended not to notice. If I acknowledged it, he’d only start talking more.

Like always, the convenience store was running one of those “buy four or five cans for a discount” events. Buying three or four barely changed the price anyway, so there was no helping it.

I picked out four large cans of beer and carried them out in my arms.

Maybe dawn was approaching already.

The sky had turned faintly blue.

There wasn’t a single person on the street.

The chilly air carried that feeling of winter ending and spring drawing near. Earlier it had felt unbearably cold, but now it somehow seemed fine again.

Out of the few tables and chairs in front of the store, I sat at the closest one.

Jungwon sat across from me looking uncertain whether he should stop me or not.

Right in front of him, I confidently cracked open a can.

I drank deeply in one go before setting it down. I saw his hand twitch slightly on top of the table.

Still, he didn’t stop me.

Instead, he let out a shallow sigh and pulled out a can for himself from the plastic bag.

I watched Jungwon open the beer and drink. His Adam’s apple bobbed smoothly as he swallowed.

Rubbing my sleepy eyes, I muttered,

“You told me not to drink, so why are you drinking?”

“I’m drinking so you won’t finish all of it yourself, hyung.”

“You think I’m really gonna drink all this?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“Because I’m still worried.”

You should worry about how you’re getting home instead.

I wrapped both hands around the heavy beer can and propped my arms against the table. The carbonation scraped down my throat.

I wished the emotions from earlier would get scraped away too.

For a moment it felt like I was sobering up, but then drowsiness mixed back together with the alcohol and my head turned hazy again.

Jungwon had already finished one can. Lightly crushing it in his fist, he cautiously called out to me.

“Hyung.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know what day it is for us?”

“Yeah.”

But even though I knew the date instinctively, I didn’t feel like saying it out loud.

When I stayed silent, Jungwon slowly pressed his index finger against the back of my hand before lifting it away again.

That was all.

Just enough for the coldness from his fingertips to linger there.

“Dating you is way less romantic than I expected, hyung.”

“That’s just how I am.”

“I didn’t think you’d be.”

“What did you expect?”

“You always took care of me.”

“I didn’t.”

“Maybe work’s just wearing you down.”

“And if work wasn’t wearing us down, then what?”

The sound of aluminum crumpling echoed again.

The can in Jungwon’s hand was folding in on itself like paper origami. I reached over and took it out of his grip.

“You’ll hurt your hand.”

At that, Jungwon leaned his face a little closer.

His eyes looked damp.

The moment I saw that expression, I lifted my fingers and pressed firmly against the lips moving closer to me.

Jungwon leaned back slightly, letting me push him away.

“Don’t.”

“What was I even trying to do?”

“Weren’t you trying to do that?”

“What’s that?”

“Hey.”

Maybe because my rotten temper had completely worn through its patience today, irritation slipped out of me almost immediately.

But Jungwon only laughed.

“Okay.”

“Good.”

“But why can’t I?”

He definitely knew at least a hundred reasons why he couldn’t, yet he still asked while pretending innocence.

The ridiculousness of it made me laugh in the end.

The reasons?

We were outside.

We were both men.

People recognized our faces.

There were CCTV cameras.

The part-timer behind us might even be watching.

And then—

“You only ever do this when I’m not in my right mind.”

“…You’re right.”

“Do it when I am.”

“I will.”

Jungwon opened another beer and took a long drink.

Without thinking, I reached out and brushed through the hair shadowed beneath the convenience store lights. It was just an old habit from when he was younger, but he’d grown a lot.

He’d always been tall, but now there was something sturdier about him. Something about the lazy atmosphere he carried sitting beside me that charmed people effortlessly.

Exactly like the aura he had in commercials on TV.

Realizing Jungwon had gone still because of my hand, I weakly lowered it.

Only then did he stretch his neck and relax again.

“You were good earlier, hyung. I think the director just got greedy for no reason. He’s always like that with you.”

“It’s not exactly news that he dislikes me. Forget it.”

“To me, it feels less like he dislikes you and more like he wants to see something from you.”

“That’s probably you.”

“Me? I don’t think so.”

“You don’t have to fake humility.”

“I’m serious. What humility? With me, it’s obvious what they can pull out. Though taking all his frustration out on you while doing that… yeah. Makes me want to hit him.”

Was that a compliment?

Was he trying to encourage me?

Coming from Jungwon, it felt strangely unfamiliar in a lot of ways. Even the words he used sounded unfamiliar.

I awkwardly changed the subject while tracing my fingers along the cold surface of the beer can.

“Why did it take you so long earlier?”

“I…”

Jungwon flicked away the crushed can with his finger and trailed off.

“Because I was watching after you suddenly left.”

“…You saw?”

“You walked off while looking at me like this.”

He dragged a finger across the shape of his eyes, pulling the outer corner sharply upward toward his brow bone.

The narrowed expression looked so unlike him that it was both funny and cute.

Cute, but not funny at all.

So he did see it in the end.

Weren’t those stage lights blinding?

Thinking about how clearly my ugly emotions must have shown beneath them made heat rush to my face.

Not because of the alcohol.

It was genuinely humiliating.

How petty and narrow-minded must I have looked in that moment when I stared at Jungwon like that?

I rubbed harshly at my eyes before apologizing.

“Sorry.”

“You’re mine anyway, so why look at me like that?”

“What?”

“You’re mine.”

Sleepiness weighed heavily on me now.

The beer can in my hand felt heavy too.

Maybe that was why I was hearing things.

Even my own feelings were impossible to sort out anymore.

I still couldn’t control my expression.

Jungwon—the person who made me drown in ugly inferiority and jealousy, while also clinging to me to satisfy those shameful parts of me—was looking at me with complete sincerity.

I pressed a hand against Jungwon’s forehead as he rested his chin on his arm and stared straight at me.

This time, he didn’t budge at all.

His pitch-black eyes looked directly into mine. On those dark irises, opaque enough to hide every emotion, the only thing reflected there was me.

At this point, even I didn’t understand anymore.

It was almost fascinating.

“You’re really incredible.”

“What is?”

“That someone as amazing as Jungwon…”

Why are you like this with me?

I trusted he’d understand the meaning even without me saying the rest aloud.

Working in this industry, I’d held all sorts of things in my hands.

Spotlights that shone on me as if I were the greatest person in the world for only a few fleeting minutes.

Brief flashes of attention.

Expensive watches they clasped onto my wrist temporarily while filming commercials.

So many things had passed through my hands without ever truly belonging to me.

And among all those unexpected things, Jungwon was the most unexpected of all.

That’s why I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Because I’m afraid this time, too, he might not really be mine.