Chapter 12: The Lingering Question

‘I still don’t know why I was so nervous back then.’

A long time later, Yoonwoo recalled that night by the sea years ago, speaking to Yeon-chae. Yeon-chae’s eyes widened in surprise.

‘Nervous? You, hyung? I thought you lived without a care in the world.’

Yoonwoo pinched Yeon-chae’s cheeks with both hands, stretching them as Yeon-chae burst into laughter. To be treated as someone so thoughtless and oblivious was truly unfair, yet Yeon-chae simply rolled his eyes, leaving his cheeks in Yoonwoo’s grasp. His expression of disbelief was incredibly annoying.

Yet, on that summer night, Yoonwoo had indeed felt an inexplicable nervousness.

“Are you going to date them?”

Yoonwoo could have responded with a playful retort at the time, but something told him not to. His senses and intuition collectively warned him. Though inwardly flustered, he feigned composure, diverting his gaze from Yeon-chae to the expansive sea beside them. The white-capped waves, breaking softly, shimmered faintly under the moonlight.

“I…”

He felt an impassive gaze on his profile. Or had it truly been impassive?

His cheeks kept flushing, prompting Yoonwoo to rub them with his palms. This action, he realized, momentarily blocked the gaze. Only then did he manage to exhale. The gaze he had perceived as indifferent was, in fact, sharp and persistent, following his every move.

“They won’t even remember. You saw them pass out drunk, right?”

“What if they do remember?”

Yoonwoo tried to backtrack as if making an excuse, but Yeon-chae’s immediate, unyielding retort left no room for evasion. Yoonwoo glanced up at the distant sky, then turned his head toward the opposite shore, eventually letting his gaze fall to Yeon-chae’s feet. The shoelaces on his white sneakers were tied neatly into a four-leaf clover shape, one lace light gray, the other pale pink. His ankles, revealed beneath his ankle-length jeans, were fair.

His heart pounded louder than the sporadic crash of waves breaking the night air. Suddenly, Yoonwoo wondered:

‘Why are you asking that?’

Or, ‘Why should I tell you?’

Such questions surged with the waves, only to pop like soap bubbles. Then, an absurd thought abruptly crossed his mind.

“…I’ll refuse.”

Yoonwoo answered slowly. He was curious about Yeon-chae’s ensuing reply, yet also felt a strange apprehension. The thought, which he’d believed was fleeting, lingered, caught by the ankle, waiting in his mind for Yeon-chae’s answer. A dull ache and an itch spread deep within his chest.

However, Yeon-chae remained silent. Despite Yoonwoo’s patient wait, he couldn’t elicit a single word from Yeon-chae. At the end of the stifling silence, Yoonwoo subtly raised his eyes. Yeon-chae’s pupils flickered, like four-leaf clovers adrift in the night breeze.

Yoonwoo let out a soft, sigh-like laugh. Yeon-chae’s eyes, which had been trembling as if caught in an earthquake, now fixed on Yoonwoo. Yoonwoo moistened his lower lip with the tip of his tongue, carefully choosing his words. Yeon-chae’s expression, it seemed, required further explanation.

“How could I suddenly develop feelings just because someone confessed? I’ve never once thought of Da-eun as a romantic interest.”

More precisely, he had never really thought of Da-eun at all. Yoonwoo couldn’t even recall when or where he had seen her, or how many times. He could only barely remember that she was one of Yeon-chae’s friends. So, to suddenly hear a confession of wanting to date him left him feeling utterly perplexed.

A faint warmth began to spread across Yeon-chae’s usually cool face. The ‘absurd imagination’ waiting in Yoonwoo’s mind continued to grow. Yoonwoo added, without taking his eyes off Yeon-chae,

“You know, you slowly get closer, grow fond of each other, and then there’s that feeling, ‘Does she like me?’ That’s when it naturally…”

‘I like you.’

‘I like you.’

‘I think I like you.’

Someone whispered in Yoonwoo’s ear within his mind. Yoonwoo nodded quietly. If he received a confession around that time, he would likely accept it happily.

“Yoonwoo sunbae.”

“Huh? Oh, uh?”

Yeon-chae, who had been silent, suddenly called out to Yoonwoo. Yoonwoo, slightly flustered, stammered a reply and glanced at Yeon-chae. Clouds had obscured the moonlight, leaving Yeon-chae’s distinct features hidden in shadow. His expression was unreadable.

“What if that feeling doesn’t come? What then?”

“Huh? Wh-what feeling?”

Yoonwoo, having forgotten what he had just said, stuttered his question. Yeon-chae’s reply was calm.

“What if that feeling, ‘Does he like me?’, doesn’t come at all?”

Yeon-chae was asking again about the very thing Yoonwoo had mentioned when he said he would refuse Da-eun’s confession. Yoonwoo blinked, somewhat bewildered.

“Well, then a confession wouldn’t work out, would it? Like Da-eun’s…”

“I suppose not.”

Yeon-chae slowly averted his gaze from Yoonwoo. The wind blew, scattering the clouds. The re-emerging moonlight illuminated Yeon-chae’s profile. This time, Yoonwoo could see clearly.

His neatly defined features bore no expression. Yeon-chae stared at the night sea with an indifferent gaze, then spoke in a low voice.

“It’s getting late. Shall we head back?”

The absurd imagination that had lingered in Yoonwoo’s mind burst into thin air. His wildly beating heart and the dull ache in his chest vanished without a trace.

‘What was I thinking?’

On the bus back to Seoul, Yoonwoo buried his head in the bag he hugged close. There was no other explanation than being out of his mind, intoxicated by alcohol, the sea, and the moonlight. He still didn’t know why that ‘absurd imagination’ had invaded his mind in the first place.

‘Does that make sense? Yeon-chae liking me? Am I crazy?’

Even if it were a heterosexual relationship, he had never heard of a same-s*x Alpha and Beta dating. He didn’t even need to look far; he himself had never considered it. He’d almost made a mistake, letting a drunken, baseless fantasy spiral out of control. After collapsing at the guesthouse and waking up the next morning, he realized that if he had let the alcohol speak and blurted out, ‘Do you, by any chance, like me?’, he would have made things incredibly awkward with Yeon-chae.

As Yoonwoo continued to thump his forehead against the bag, a large hand reached out, interposing itself between the bag and his forehead. A soft palm touched his skin, spreading warmth. That comforting touch made Yoonwoo feel a little downcast. To think he’d believed Yeon-chae might like him, even if it was just because of alcohol? He felt as though he’d been out of the dating game for too long and his judgment had become rusty.

Yet, looking back, it was also a little funny. In a few years, he might confess this embarrassing ‘dark history’ to Yeon-chae and they would laugh about it together. ‘Hey, Yeon-chae. Remember that time? That night, I actually thought you were going to confess to me…’

Yoonwoo wiggled his legs, imagining this near future a few years ahead. Just the thought of the embarrassment made him laugh uncontrollably.

“Are you feeling unwell, sunbae?”

“Huh? No, no.”

Yoonwoo lifted his head, smiling wryly. Erasing ‘dark history’ was his specialty. No matter how embarrassing an incident was, if he persistently pretended not to remember, it could truly be forgotten, as if it had never happened. So…

‘What would I have answered if Yeon-chae had really said he liked me?’

That insistent voice in his head, poking at him since earlier, was a thought he didn’t need to entertain. Yoonwoo turned his gaze out the bus window, effectively silencing his mind.

“Thank you for your hard work! I had fun.”

“Everyone, you worked hard! Have a great break!”

“Goodbye!”

The bus traveled for several hours before arriving at the campus. Da-eun, the source of Yoonwoo’s complicated thoughts last night, waved her hand brightly, saying, “Yoonwoo oppa, goodbye!” with a face that remembered nothing, then vanished instantly with her group. Yoonwoo pointed at Da-eun’s retreating figure.

“See? They don’t remember at all, do they? What a relief.”

Yeon-chae stared at Yoonwoo’s finger with an impassive gaze. After a long moment, he spoke.

“A relief?”

His voice was uncharacteristically rough. Yoonwoo looked up at Yeon-chae, slightly surprised. His eyelids and cheeks were plumply swollen, perhaps from not sleeping well in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable bed. The cute, steamed dumpling of a person asked coldly,

“Is it a relief that their sincerity was forgotten because of alcohol?”

“Huh…?”

‘How do you know they were sincere?’

Yoonwoo wanted to ask if Yeon-chae had gone and asked Da-eun himself, but the ‘steamed dumpling’s’ expression was too serious. Yoonwoo quietly closed his mouth and rolled his eyes. He was inwardly flustered, unable to understand why the well-behaved Yeon-chae had suddenly become an angry dumpling. An uncomfortable silence settled between them.

By the time everyone else had disappeared and only the two of them remained, Yeon-chae ran a hand through his hair and let out a long sigh. His broad shoulders slumped.

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh? No. What for…?”

Yoonwoo waved both hands in denial, but Yeon-chae remained silent, his head bowed for another long moment. Just as Yoonwoo’s legs were starting to ache, Yeon-chae finally managed to lift his head and look at him.

The corners of Yeon-chae’s lips awkwardly turned up. The forced smile made the ‘steamed dumpling’ slightly crinkle. Feeling a pang of sympathy, Yoonwoo reached out a hand towards Yeon-chae’s cheek. He gently patted Yeon-chae’s swollen left cheek, soothingly saying,

“Go home and get some sleep. You must not have slept well in that uncomfortable bed.”

Yeon-chae shook his head. His fine hair, covering his forehead, fluttered with the movement. Though he looked a bit disheartened, his expression had visibly softened. Only then did Yoonwoo smile with relief.

“Yoonwoo sunbae.”

A low voice called Yoonwoo. Yoonwoo responded gently.

“Yes? What is it, Yeon-chae?”

“What will you do during the break now?”

“Me? Well…”

He thought for a moment, but there were no special plans. Yoonwoo said casually,

“For a while, I’ll just work part-time and study for TOEIC. Then next month, when my siblings are on break, I’m planning to take them to our parents’ house.”

“Your parents’ house?”

“Yeah. Didn’t I tell you? My parents live separately in the countryside. My siblings hardly get a chance to stay with them except during breaks.”

“When will you be back?”

“Around the end of the break?”

“What? Really? Where is your parents’ house?”

Yeon-chae’s complexion suddenly darkened. There was urgency in his rephrased questions. Yoonwoo blinked at the unexpected reaction. Then, with a bewildered expression, he answered,

“Oh? It’s Tongyeong…”

A month later, Yoonwoo met Yeon-chae at the Tongyeong Bus Terminal.