Chapter 13: The Weight of a Secret

He readily recounted his activities from yesterday and today. Emil, listening to the man’s words, wore a bewildered expression. He simply could not comprehend what he was hearing. ‘If so, what was that sound I heard in front of my mother’s house?’ ‘Was it merely a scream of terror? No, even in his ignorance, he wasn’t so naive as to mistake that. It was, unmistakably… unmistakably, a man and a woman—’

“Emil? Are you feeling unwell? Your complexion looks dreadful.”

“Oh, no. I’m fine. I was just lost in thought for a moment…”

As Yanis’s large hand reached out to touch his forehead, Emil hastily shook his head and offered an excuse. His mind was in a turmoil.

‘Could the woman’s voice have belonged to someone other than his mother? Perhaps he had experienced a hallucination? Or could Yanis be lying to him?’

‘No, no one knew that Emil had visited his mother’s house. In that case, Yanis would have no reason to lie. Then, if that were the case—his mother was with another man, not Yanis—’

“…Emil?”

“…”

“You seem particularly unwell today. Are you sick?”

“No, no. I’m really fine. Truly…”

Emil waved both hands dismissively at Yanis, whose expression was grave.

Lauren was committing an act of infidelity. As a woman already betrothed, she was doing something utterly forbidden. It was an immorality incomprehensible, even to the unbaptized.

“…!”

“Fortunately, you don’t have a fever.”

The man’s hand touched his forehead. A large hand covered Emil’s brow. His heart pounded so excessively fast, he felt as though he might go deaf from the sound. He feared this man might somehow detect the frantic thrumming within him.

This man before him was his mother’s lover. They were already betrothed, and had been discussing their wedding just the day before.

“If you’re not feeling well, please tell me. There’s no need to force yourself to come because of our appointment; we can postpone it. I don’t want to cause you any distress.”

“No, really, I’m perfectly fine.”

Yanis must not discover his mother’s infidelity. He must not realize that Emil knew of Lauren’s transgression.

“Ah. Would you perhaps like a cup of the tea we had last time? It has a calming effect on anxiety.”

At Yanis’s suggestion, Emil forced a smile and nodded.

“Yes, please.”

“This way, then.”

At Emil’s words, Yanis, as if he had been expecting them, skillfully led him inside. As Emil hesitantly entered the consultation room, Yanis offered him a chair, then began boiling water and retrieved dried tea leaves.

Watching each of these natural, practiced movements, Emil felt an unspoken sense of duty grow within him. Yanis must not wonder what Lauren was doing today.

Under no circumstances could he mention visiting Lauren’s house today.

Within Emil’s heart, the values he had long learned as a priest clashed with his affection for his mother. It was a choice so agonizing he couldn’t possibly pick one over the other.

The pounding of his heart showed no sign of stopping. Emil clenched his hands into fists, resolving himself to one thing.

Even if it meant confessing his own sin to another priest, he could not reveal his mother’s infidelity to the man before him. Yanis seemed like a good man. While a doctor might not be a highly coveted profession, for his unattached mother, he was undeniably an excellent match.

Busy moving about the consultation room, Yanis soon handed Emil a steaming cup of tea.

“It’s hot, so be careful.”

“Thank you.”

Emil placed the teacup, received from Yanis, onto the table and waited for it to cool. Meanwhile, Yanis finished a quick tidying of the consultation room and locked the door.

“If I don’t do this, people tend to drop in at any time. Normally, I wouldn’t mind seeing patients, but today I closed early because of our appointment.”

“You didn’t have to go to such lengths.”

“I don’t want my concentration to be divided. Besides, today is our first day.”

Emil nodded at the man’s consideration. At Yanis’s suggestion to go inside his home, Emil carried his teacup and entered the man’s bedroom. Aside from the unusually large number of books, his home was quite tidy.

After the tea had cooled sufficiently, Emil cautiously took a sip. The subtle fragrance of the tea seemed to ease the tension in his body.

Noticing Emil’s relaxation, Yanis smiled faintly and inquired, “Are you feeling a bit better?”

“Yes. It’s strange how just drinking tea can make me feel so much more at ease.”

“I feel the same way. It’s surprising how tea leaves, which look so similar to the naked eye, can possess such different properties.”

“Ah, by any chance—”

Emil, listening to the man, hesitated for a moment before continuing. “If it’s alright, could I take some tea leaves? If you’re selling them, I’d like to buy some. The priest hasn’t been well lately, and neither have the nuns.”

At Emil’s question, the man gazed intently at him. Emil found this unfamiliar expression strangely familiar.

The man always wore a gentle smile, yet occasionally he would look at Emil with such an enigmatic expression, whose intentions were utterly inscrutable. He simply could not discern the man’s purpose.

After observing Emil for a long moment, Yanis’s expression softened back to its usual gentleness.

“Of course. There’s no need to pay. I didn’t give them to you with the intention of selling them as a product. Consider it a small gift.”

“In that case—”

“I’ll prepare them for you to take later.”

“Thank you.”

Emil beamed, thanking him warmly for his kindness. The thought of the eggs and now the tea leaves being a great help to the church folk secretly pleased him.

****

The two men broke the ice by exchanging simple updates on their recent lives. Though only a few days had passed, Yanis asked Emil how he had been.

Emil recounted his usual routine, which was no different from before, and posed the same question in return.

“My daily life is much the same. I see patients, and sometimes I meet with Lauren to discuss our wedding. I heard she married quite young and never had a proper ceremony. If possible, I want to create an unforgettable wedding for Lauren.”

His heart twinged at the mention of his mother’s name from Yanis’s lips. Forcing his tightening expression to soften into a smile, Emil expressed his eagerness to help with the wedding preparations.

“It seems you have multiple masses in a single day. Is a priest’s life always just masses? Doesn’t it get boring?”

“I have never once found it boring.”

After that, Yanis naturally inquired about life at the church. Emil calmly described a priest’s daily routine and spoke of the things he had learned in seminary.

Yanis listened to his words with an exceptionally serious demeanor. He looked directly at Emil, not missing a single word.

Under the man’s direct gaze, Emil found himself idly shifting his eyes elsewhere. Fortunately, his voice did not tremble, and his words flowed smoothly.

The frantic pounding in his heart had also subsided. Though it no longer throbbed painfully in his ears as it had before, it still quietly thumped, making its presence known.

“How fascinating. It’s a world entirely different from what I knew.”

“When did you… become aware of being a Guide?”

“It was quite by chance. It’s difficult to explain precisely, but… I became aware at an early age. Fourteen, perhaps? Before I became an adult, at least.”

Fourteen! That was even before Emil entered seminary. When he himself enrolled, everyone said he was too young to grasp the seminary curriculum. Yet, this man had become aware of his abilities as a Guide at an even younger age.

“Yes, it was an early age. That, too, was a coincidence. I lived in a small eastern village, far from the capital. There were no Espers or Guides my age in that town. Of course, even now, not many ability users awaken at that age.”

Yanis seemed to be recalling those memories, a slight frown creasing his brow. After gazing downwards for a moment, he turned his attention back to Emil.

As those clear, blue eyes met his, Emil’s pupils trembled subtly. “I find it difficult to speak further on this. I apologize. It’s a memory I’d rather not revisit.”

“Oh, no. I wasn’t trying to stir up painful memories.”

“Still, thanks to that, my Guiding isn’t too bad. In that sense, it was a blessing as a Guide.”

Yanis offered another gentle smile. No trace of past wounds seemed to linger in his expression.

After that, Yanis diligently answered Emil’s questions. He explained that ability users had the right to selectively inform the Empire of their powers, followed by a verification process with an Imperial official to confirm their abilities.

“What happens after verification?”

“Nothing special. You continue to live as before, just as I continue to practice medicine. However, you must travel to the capital if there’s a war or if they request your assembly.”

“So, a certain level of obligation comes with it.”

“Indeed. But it’s not bad. They provide a reasonable stipend, so your livelihood is secured.”

His words brought Emil back to his own childhood memories. After his father passed away, his mother spent most of her time bedridden.

Despite their difficult circumstances, they managed to scrape by thanks to a small amount of food rations provided for his mother. This was simply a precaution for Espers who might struggle to maintain a livelihood due to their abilities.

Guides experienced relatively less discrimination, but Espers were often shunned because of their visible powers. There were occasional instances of Espers, unable to secure basic necessities, inciting riots or attacking ordinary citizens.

Therefore, it was mutually beneficial for the state to partially support their living expenses.

“What about the lives of priests? I heard they are wealthier than us.”

“Wealthier, you say…”

Emil tilted his head at Yanis’s question. This was a point of contention even within the Church.

More conservative members argued that priests should lead austere lives, while those advocating for reform and change claimed the right to enjoy the world’s wealth and honor. They believed they were God’s representatives and deserved to partake in worldly riches.

“It’s not necessarily true. Of course, my understanding is limited, so I don’t know what is truly right… but for now, most of us generally maintain simple lives. Priests, fundamentally, do not receive a salary.”

“Ah, I see.”

Yanis looked at Emil with a rather sympathetic gaze at his words. “Does everyone have to live that way?”

“It’s not an obligation, but that’s usually how it is. It was the same in seminary. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten very lavishly.”

“Then, will you continue to live like that?”

“I don’t know…”

“You already look lamentably thin.”

Yanis suddenly lifted Emil’s wrist, murmuring in a sympathetic voice.