Chapter 4: The Weight of Old Memories

It was truly a blessing. Though Emil rejoiced at his acceptance into the seminary, his mother remained a constant worry. He feared grave consequences if his frail mother were left without a guardian. For similar reasons, Lauren often found herself in conflict with the villagers, leading her to avoid descending into the village unless absolutely necessary. Indeed, his mother’s well-being was the most significant aspect of Emil’s fervent prayers.

“Thank you, my dear.”

At Emil’s tender words, Lauren smiled, a wave of relief washing over her. She kissed her son’s cheek repeatedly, her hands clutching and releasing his. Only as the sun teetered on the mountain peak did she finally release him. Emil explained that he would greet a few more villagers before attending evening mass.

“Then, Mother, I shall see you later.”

Lauren waved back at her son, who offered a courteous farewell. Emil cast a lingering gaze around their home, then slowly vanished from sight. Watching his retreating figure, Lauren pushed aside her half-finished knitting, which she had been engrossed in moments before, and hastened to prepare dinner. This evening promised a meeting she had long awaited.

While Lauren busied herself with dinner preparations, Emil greeted the villagers, exchanging pleasantries and engaging in conversation. Kalei, a village nestled in the mountains a half-day’s journey from the lord’s castle, was small yet robust, blessed with temperate weather and fertile lands. The local lord, known for his fair taxation, imposed minimal burdens upon its residents. With many families having established roots over generations, it was not uncommon for entire lineages to share deep, enduring friendships.

Those who recognized Emil, despite his long absence from the village, greeted him with immense warmth. They expressed wonder that the once small and scrawny Emil had returned as a seminarian. “So, when my grandchild is born, will Emil be the one to baptize them?” one inquired. “If I am assigned to this place, then yes,” Emil replied. However, such a scenario was highly improbable. Typically, newly ordained priests were assigned to locations farthest from their native regions. Indeed, it was a priest’s sacred duty to shed their personal identity and dedicate themselves entirely to unfamiliar villages and strangers.

“What kind of disrespectful talk is that to a priest? You ought to use honorifics.” Even those who had once shunned Emil, simply because he was Esper’s son, now smiled, extended welcoming hands, and reminisced about idealized memories.

While at the seminary, Emil had prayed and fasted, repenting for his sin of cursing these very people and diligently striving to forgive them. He had been certain that all lingering resentment had long since dissipated. Yet, as he now stood before them, an inexplicable, peculiar feeling began to subtly creep up from his solar plexus.

Emil recognized that emotion all too well. Throughout his seminary years, his greatest struggle had been to extinguish the profound anger he held for those who had cruelly turned their backs on him in his time of need, simply because he was Esper’s child. It was only when he was utterly devoid of strength, unable to lift even a finger, that he could finally cry out for a savior and plead for salvation, thus finding the capacity to forgive them. How could he, a mere human, harbor hatred for his fellow beings, when one had come into the world without sin, endured universal scorn, and even death, yet still offered salvation to humankind? Before the Savior, all humans were inherently sinful.

Despite his efforts, Emil still felt a distinct unease whenever he encountered those who had once treated him so cruelly. Indeed, if it was already awkward to face those who had shown him kindness, confronting the pretense of those who hadn’t was undoubtedly far more difficult. A creeping guilt began to surface, a remorse for his inability to fully embrace them with love. This evening, he knew he must repent for the smallness of his own heart, for allowing old memories to prevent him from extending complete love to the villagers.

“Look, here comes Yanis! Yanis!”

A man, who had once showered Emil and Lauren with harsh words but now welcomed Emil with wide-open arms, called out to someone and stopped them. Emil’s gaze followed the direction of the man’s voice. There stood a man, familiar even to Emil despite his long absence from the village. “Elder,” the man greeted.

This was the same man who had rescued Emil from danger earlier. The name that had just left the villager’s lips, Yanis, resonated with an odd familiarity. As Emil tried to pinpoint where he might have heard the name of this man he was meeting for the first time, Yanis approached closer. “It has been a long time, Elder. How is your health?” Yanis inquired. “Much better, thanks to you. See? I can move quite well now,” the elder replied, demonstrating.

The elder rolled up his trousers, repeatedly bending and straightening his leg. He recounted how he had nearly suffered a grave fate after being bitten by a snake while traversing the mountains. He even claimed that without Yanis’s intervention, his leg would have required amputation. Yanis, the man, examined the elder’s leg, nodding thoughtfully. He possessed an appearance entirely incongruous with a profession dedicated to caring for others. He looked as if he had spent his entire life playing the part of an elegant nobleman, utterly untouched by manual labor. Indeed, his face seemed far better suited to reciting romantic verses or making occasional appearances at social gatherings to flaunt his presence.

His hands, extended as he examined the villager’s leg, also appeared entirely unaccustomed to labor. Long, slender, and delicately pale, they seemed far better suited to bearing ornate jewelry. Though, upon closer inspection, the surprising thickness of each knuckle was quite remarkable. Lost in momentary reverie, Emil realized he had been staring fixedly at the man. The man, who had been gravely assessing his patient’s condition, sensed the gaze and turned his head. Their eyes met abruptly, causing Emil’s pupils to widen perceptibly. Yet, even witnessing this, the man’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he offered a gentle smile.

“We meet again,” Yanis remarked softly. “Ah, yes,” Emil responded, a little flustered. “Is your injury healing well?” Yanis asked, his concern genuine. “It has improved considerably, thanks to the medicine you applied. Thank you,” Emil affirmed. “Hey, how’s my leg doing?” the elder interjected. “It’s looking very good. While we’ll need to observe its progress a bit longer, you should be able to resume daily activities without issue,” Yanis explained. “However, please refrain from strenuous work for the time being. No hunting, and no alcohol, either.” “That’s a lot to keep in mind,” the elder grumbled.

The elder frowned at Yanis’s words, clearly perceiving the gentle advice as mere nagging. Yanis, however, simply offered a faint smile in response to the man’s reaction. It seemed he was accustomed to such grumbling, given the elder’s naturally complaining disposition. Having concluded his examination, Yanis politely excused himself, mentioning other duties, before turning his gaze to Emil. Ah, Emil found his fists clenching unconsciously.

“Then, I shall see you later,” Yanis stated. “Ah, yes,” Emil replied, still somewhat dazed. The man, having offered an equally polite farewell, swiftly vanished into the distance. He walked in a direction entirely opposite to where his clinic was supposedly located. Each step he took was unhurried, imbued with an undeniable air of grace. Emil stared blankly at his retreating figure, as if spellbound, when suddenly the man’s parting words echoed in his mind: ‘Later?’

“You two don’t seem very acquainted yet, do you?” the elder remarked. “Ah, I only met him today. How long has he been living in the village?” Emil asked, deflecting. “No, not that,” the elder insisted. “What do you mean?” Emil pressed. The elder, who had been observing Emil and Yanis’s brief exchange, probed subtly, but the conversation merely skirted the issue without truly connecting. Sensing the oddness first, the elder narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing Emil.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Emil asked. “…Have you not heard the news from your mother yet?” the elder finally inquired. “Heard what?” Emil questioned, a knot forming in his stomach. And then, Emil was told a story he had never anticipated.

****

“Jack!”

In the backyard, Jack, engaged in his physical training, rose from the ground at the sound of a voice. His hands were thoroughly caked with dirt from performing push-ups on the bare earth. His back and waist were soaked, glistening with his own sweat. He casually rolled up his sleeve to wipe his brow, then turned to face his old friend and younger brother, who stood before him, pale and gasping for air.

“What’s wrong? Why so sudden? Is something wrong?” Jack asked, concerned. “You knew, didn’t you? About that doctor earlier,” Emil pressed, his voice strained. At Emil’s words, Jack’s brows furrowed as he recalled the man’s face. That effeminate man. Jack had always held a rather critical opinion of Yanis. “Ah, that man. What about him?” Jack asked, feigning ignorance. “He’s Mother’s fiancé, isn’t he?”

“…That’s news to me,” Jack lied smoothly. “I heard everything. That he’s a very capable Guide, that he helped Mother several times, and they grew close because of it. There’s not a soul in the village who doesn’t know, is there?” Emil challenged. Jack, who had been attempting to play innocent, sighed at Emil’s precise understanding of the situation.

He had not wanted to discuss this with Emil. He had intended to pretend ignorance until Emil heard it directly from Lauren. Even if he knew, he wished to forget it when Emil was around. Emil saw the rigidity in Jack’s expression and knew. The words of the villagers he had met were not false. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Emil demanded. “I thought it would be better for you to hear it from Lauren. It’s always better to hear such things directly, isn’t it?” Jack offered as an excuse. “Even so…” Emil began. “Regardless, I am an outsider. I’m not family like you are.” Emil, who had been about to argue with Jack’s defense, closed his mouth. Arguing wouldn’t change anything. Similarly, hearing it from the villagers wouldn’t change anything either. It simply meant he was shocked a little sooner. “Ha…” Emil sighed. “I naturally… assumed you would have heard when you went to see Lauren earlier. That’s why I purposely made myself scarce. I worried my presence might make things awkward. If Lauren didn’t mention it then, perhaps she planned to do so at dinner?” Jack rattled off excuses on Lauren’s behalf, but Emil heard nothing.

‘He helped me greatly, both materially and spiritually, while you were away… I wanted to introduce him to you.’

His mother’s words, expressing her desire to introduce someone, most likely referred to that doctor. That unfamiliar man named Yanis was his mother’s lover. Yanis’s repeated questioning of Lauren’s name upon their first meeting was probably for the same reason. Emil’s mind reeled. During his time at the seminary, he had often imagined such a situation. Lauren was still young and beautiful to spend her widowhood alone. Her grown son had left the nest to become a priest, so it was only natural that men would take notice of her. He knew that ill-mannered ruffians, fueled by drink, often bandied about Lauren’s name. If not for Esper, she would likely have faced many difficult situations. Though faint, Lauren could use her abilities, which prevented unsavory men from approaching her recklessly.

“Emil?” Jack called out. “…Why,” Emil replied, his voice distant. “Are you alright?” Jack asked, concern etched on his face. “Of course,” Emil stated. Emil silently rose to his feet. Jack felt a sudden pang of worry, seeing him appear so lost. Would it have been better if he had given Emil a heads-up? After gazing at the distant mountains for a long while, Emil began to walk. “Where are you going?” Jack inquired. “To the church,” Emil replied. “Suddenly?” Jack questioned. “To pray.” When thoughts multiply, emotions diversify. Over the past several years at the seminary, his primary focus had been to purify his heart and erase all wicked emotions. His mother having a fiancé was cause for celebration. If he officially became a priest, he would be unable to protect his mother, and therefore, someone needed to be by her side. And if that someone was her lover, it was an even more ideal outcome. While he understood this perfectly well in his mind, the turmoil in his heart was undeniable. Emil bid Jack farewell and headed straight for the church. Jack watched Emil’s retreating figure for a long time but did not stop him. He, too, was equally displeased with this relationship.