Chapter 21: Choi Yu-jin (8)

“Yes?”

The answer burst out unintentionally.

Why are those words coming out of Yu-jin noona’s mouth at this point?

I couldn’t understand.

If she just wanted to say that it used to be like that in the past, there would be no reason to come out here and talk separately, right?

I waited for Yu-jin noona’s next words, wondering if she would say something else, but no answer came back.

She was just smiling and looking at me.

Should I say something?

No.

It would be best to just stay still as if I don’t know what she’s talking about.

As I stood there in silence for a while, Hyun-a noona finished paying and came out.

“Did you come, unnie~?”

“It seems like Yu-jin bought as much as she sold in clothes today, what’s going on?”

“I ate well, Hyun-a unnie.”

“…It’s okay, let’s just say it’s a celebration for my new younger sibling.”

Hyun-a noona brushed past us, and Yu-jin noona and I followed behind her.

Awkward atmosphere.

It felt too dangerous to bring it up first, and Yu-jin noona didn’t say anything.

It would have been a little better if I had walked side by side with Hyun-a.

I resented the sidewalk being too narrow for the three of us to walk side by side.

“Hyun-a unnie~”

Whether she knew my heart or not, Yu-jin noona called out to Hyun-a noona.

At Yu-jin noona’s call, Hyun-a noona slightly turned her head to look at us, and Yu-jin noona continued.

“Are you going straight home?”

“I have to, I drank too much.”

“Woong~ Then Su-yeong and I have to go to Hongdae Station, so we should slowly split up.”

“Okay, both Yu-jin and Su-yeong go in carefully.”

Hyun-a noona said goodbye and left along the road.

Perhaps because of the influence of the pandemic, there was only Yu-jin noona and me on the darkened street, and we waited for the signal at the crosswalk without saying a word.

Soon, the signal changes.

Without either of us saying anything, we both took a step at the same time.

We naturally matched each other’s pace and slowly crossed the crosswalk.

…

Still no words.

As if all the conversations that had never been broken off from the moment we first met to the moment we poured out our worries while drinking were lies, only a dim silence lingered between me and Yu-jin noona.

In the end, I couldn’t stand the awkwardness.

“Yu-jin unnie.”

“Woong~?”

When I spoke first, Yu-jin noona smiled and answered as if she had been waiting.

“What you said earlier, you know?”

“Earlier? What are you talking about~?”

Yu-jin noona asked me back as if she didn’t know what I was talking about.

But there is an obvious fact that I know and Yu-jin noona also knows.

That there’s no way Yu-jin noona doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

And that there’s no way I don’t know that.

The obvious lie was conveying a clear message.

Don’t expect me to say it while beating around the bush, say it directly with your own mouth.

Okay.

Now that I’ve brought it up first, the option of backing out has disappeared anyway.

Then let’s be prepared.

I pulled myself together and spoke to Yu-jin noona.

Hoping that the darkness would hide my expression.

“Earlier, you said that you thought I was a netkama.”

“Woong, I did think that?”

“You seemed to have something more to say, but you didn’t say anything, so I was curious.”

I ask, packaged in the words that it’s not because I’m anxious, but because you seemed to have something more to say.

Then Yu-jin noona slightly shook her head and looked at me.

“Our Hiro tries to be thorough, but she’s always too clumsy.”

Was my intention too obvious?

I unconsciously hardened my expression, thinking that I had been caught.

But I hardened my expression for a different reason at Yu-jin noona’s next words.

“You didn’t want your personal information to be revealed, and you tried so hard not to show your real appearance.”

“But the reason you ended up revealing your real appearance was because your personal information was leaked, and when you showed your real appearance, you turned on the camera in an almost naked state.”

“Are you stupid?”

I had nothing to say.

No, actually, I do have something to say about being almost naked, but it’s not something you’d believe even if I told you, so in the end, it’s the same as having nothing to say.

Yu-jin noona, seeing me with a look as if I had chewed on a bug, told me the story.

“When I first met Hiro, I thought her voice was very obvious.”

“Yes?”

“How should I put it, it felt like she was using a voice changer?”

The mechanical sound was severe.

Something came to mind at Yu-jin noona’s words.

In the early days of broadcasting, the sound quality was very poor because I broadcast with a cheap microphone because I didn’t have money.

It was commonplace for the microphone to make tearing noises, and there were times when the connection was bad and my voice became completely mechanical, so it made sense.

I tried to make a slight excuse, but Yu-jin noona gave me an answer before I could even say anything.

“Yeah, everything got better after you changed your microphone later.”

“Still.”

“Maybe it’s because I thought you were a netkama from the first impression, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of unease.”

So Yu-jin noona said that she had tried various tests and took out the old things one by one.

“People who use voice changers can’t clap when you tell them to clap.”

If you clap with the voice changer on, the clapping sound will also be applied with the voice changer and make a tearing noise.

That must have been the test she was aiming for.

But it didn’t apply to me.

Because it was a voice I made directly with my throat.

“I also said that it was obvious when you screamed, so I suggested that we play horror games together.”

That’s why you asked me to do a collaboration stream together so soon after we met.

But my voice only changed the tone of my original high-pitched voice, so she wouldn’t have been able to judge it with that.

“Well, besides that… I tried a lot of things.”

“I just gave up!”

“It didn’t seem to matter anyway~”

I silently listened to the story Yu-jin noona was telling.

I felt like I would say something I shouldn’t say if I opened my mouth.

I was being doubted this much.

I thought we were very close, but maybe it was just my own thought.

Those thoughts made me feel choked up, but I reminded myself again.

That that is the truth.

That it was a reasonable suspicion
a fair test
and that I was the one who was wrong.

In the end, all of this happened because I was a liar who tried to deceive everyone.

That’s why

I couldn’t say anything.

Because I knew that everything was because of my original sin.

“Hiroya.”

“…Yes.”

I answered with difficulty at Yu-jin’s call.

There was no way to know what Yu-jin noona was thinking of me, who couldn’t say anything with my mouth shut.

I just got hit on the head again at the words she gave me with a bitter smile.

“I wanted you to be a man.”

“…”

“…Yes?”

My head couldn’t keep up with the situation.

What does that mean.

Does that mean you wanted me to be ruined?

If not then…

I had no choice but to shut my mouth again at Yu-jin’s words that followed.

“I hated you, Hiro.”

“I’m broadcasting with a dream, sincerely.”

“Someone is shamelessly pretending to be a woman and trying to rip off viewers.”

“It felt like it was dirtying my dream”

“So I hated seeing you.”

…

“So I tried to find out that you were a man.”

“I wanted to reveal the truth and kick you out.”

“From this place where I’m working desperately.”

“…”

“But.”

“The more I tried to kick you out, the more I learned about Hiro.”

“The more I saw you struggling to live desperately.”

“I wondered what I was doing.”

“So I gave up.”

“Even if it’s not me, someone will find out.”

“I don’t have the guts to break a kid who’s trying so hard to live with my own hands.”

Yu-jin noona was silent for a while.

I couldn’t say anything either.

Because I shouldn’t have.

When the darkness had cleared and fallen in the forest of streetlights several times
Yu-jin noona opened her mouth again.

“…Hiroya.”

“…Yes.”

“Why are you a girl?

There was nothing I could say.

Just
listen.

“I didn’t care anymore now.”

“It would have been okay if you were a liar.”

“But.”

“Why…”

Tears welled up in Yu-jin noona’s voice.

Just like Yu-jin noona did
I wanted to wrap my arms around Yu-jin noona’s face and
face her
and comfort her like that.

But

I didn’t have the right to do that.

Just.

“I’ll walk you to the station.”

That was all I could do, to say something worthless.

As we walked and walked like that, we didn’t say anything to each other.

We didn’t say anything even as we went down the long stairs to the station.

And after passing through the passage
we stand in front of the ticket gate.

“…Yu-jin unnie.”

“Yeah.”

Yu-jin noona headed for the ticket gate.

And taking out her wallet

“Hiro… no, Su-yeong-ah.”

“Yes.”

She said without looking back.

“When I was being witch-hunted before.”

“When people came to me.”

“Thank you for being by my side then.”

Leaving those words behind
she held her wallet to the terminal at the ticket gate.

[Please swipe only one card.]

“…”

“…”

“Oh really!!”

Yu-jin noona burst out in a fit of pique.

Seeing that, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Heuhat.”

“What, why, what!”

I approached Yu-jin noona, who was puffing out her cheeks and getting angry, and raised both hands above my head.

Even though I expressed my intention to surrender, Yu-jin noona grabbed and stretched my cheeks.

“You’re really going to get in trouble!”

“Jamohesseoyoohㅡ”

It hurt, but it didn’t hurt.

Because Yu-jin noona was smiling a little.

“Sigh, okay, okay.”

Yu-jin noona took out her transportation card from her wallet and held it to the terminal.

This time, the card was recognized without any problems and the ticket gate opened.

“Go in carefully, unnie.”

“Okay, Su-yeong-ah, you go in carefully too~”

Yu-jin turned her back again and passed through the ticket gate.

And

unintentionally

I reached out my hand towards that back.

But

my shortened arm
couldn’t even brush her clothes.

“Ah.”

At the sigh I let out unintentionally

she looked back.

The ticket gate was closed.

“…Hiroya?”

How spaced out must I be looking right now.

There’s no way to know.

Just like I couldn’t fathom her heart
there was no way to know how I looked to her.

Just
I turned my hand back
and awkwardly waved my hand.

A farewell greeting.

“What~? We just said goodbye?”

“…It’s too cold to say it just once?”

I gave a ridiculous joke and gave an awkward smile.

Then she smiled and waved her hand at me.

“Goodbye, Su-yeong-ah.”

With those words
she walked down the subway stairs.

Now I couldn’t even see her back.

“…Are you scared of being a woman? Are you ashamed?”

You’re being ridiculous.

I was disgusted with myself.

I can just move to a new house somehow with help.

A nude video is a problem that can be solved whether I sue it or use it as an opportunity.

The life as a woman I will live in the future.

In the end
things that can be done somehow.

Things that are nothing when you get through them.

Maybe even at the moment when I thought everything was collapsing.

Maybe it was nothing after I got through it
maybe it was nothing when I looked back on it.

But because I didn’t have the courage to get through it
the price of the truth I threw away to protect the lie was

that damn ornamental body
and this shortened arm that can’t even hold you.

To live

because I gave up on loving

all I can do now
is to let you go.

Goodbye, Yu-jin noona.

I’m sorry.

I loved you.

And see you again

Yu-jin unnie.

Waiting for the subway
she savored a short moment.

“…”