Chapter 23: The Weight of a Piece of the World

“Cough.”

After a period of being relatively fine, I coughed up blood for the first time in a while. Seriously, Goddess… I furrowed my brows as a throbbing headache set in. Of course, it had to happen right when Felix was due to arrive.

I had been idling away the time, rolling a glowing, circular recording orb—a gift from Zeimer at the Magic Tower—between my hands. It didn’t have any saved images yet. As that familiar sensation rose in my throat, I reflexively tried to swallow the blood, but it resulted in a minor disaster: the blood went up my nose instead of staying in my mouth.

Calmly, I placed Zeimer’s gift on the table to keep it from being stained and pushed myself up. A servant stationed in the room was already rushing toward me. Turn a crisis into an opportunity. That was what Uncle Charles used to say every day. Since Felix was on his way, this was the perfect time to look as sick as possible.

Both Zeimer and Felix were making a huge deal out of the idea of visiting the Dragon. They seemed firmly convinced that a Dragon could erase the Demon King’s curse. Acting sick now was only a temporary fix, but it would buy me a few months. If I resisted based on my health, they might try to drag me to the Dragon sooner, so my plan was to hold out just enough while looking for a way out.

The Goddess promised me a comfortable life of rest, but… well. I wonder. Looking back at our most recent conversation, it felt like I was once again dancing to her mysterious tune.

As I sat halfway up, the servant arrived and held a handkerchief to my chin. Felix, sensing the situation as I spat out the blood, burst through the door. He lifted me upright and began rubbing my back, infusing me with his aura.

“Damn it, I thought it had quieted down. Ian, are you alright?”

I surreptitiously watched Felix’s reaction while clutching my chest in feigned agony. It wasn’t just one; I had two “Dragons” by my side. And both had urged me to meet the Primeval Dragon. If that happened, there would be no turning back.

It might sound selfish, but I didn’t want to be used by this world anymore. The Goddess’s blessing came with a price. And if I met the Dragon…

I was certain of it. That ancient Dragon, known for being black-hearted, might thrust me back into the role of the Hero, citing my “prior experience.” Just as the Goddess used a fake Demon King to bolster faith, the Dragon might use me to elevate its own status.

I forced a retch to squeeze out some tears. Ugh. I didn’t forget to grip my chest tighter as if in excruciating pain. Felix had now taken the handkerchief from the servant and was personally catching the blood I spat out. I’m sorry, Felix. At first, I grumbled about how the Goddess fulfilled my wish, but now I was using it to my full advantage.

Guilt pricked at me. I knew all too well the feeling of helplessly watching a comrade die before your eyes. It feels like your heart is being split apart.

But my heart was already past being split; it had been torn to shreds and shattered long ago. Shouldn’t I be allowed to think of myself now? I was too broken, too exhausted.

Eventually, Felix scooped me up. He wrapped me in the bedsheets, bundling me into the fluffy blankets. The sheets were already dotted with blood. Wherever the blood touched, the fabric began to corrode slightly—a faithful production detail of the “Demon King’s Trace.”

Having had his clothes soaked in my blood once before, Felix had already tossed aside his stiff formal coat. He held a handkerchief between his palm and my chin, wiping my lips with his thumb to catch the blood. His voice, meant to soothe me, trembled slightly.

“Shh… it’s okay…”

I reached a point where I couldn’t look Felix in the eye. It was pure guilt.

Unable to face him, I stared vaguely at his lips before wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him. The bleeding had already stopped.

I couldn’t avoid Felix forever. He was one of the most precious people to me. He was the man destined to be the Emperor of the entire continent. He was a warm monarch, yet a cold man. Though I trembled with the fear of how an Emperor Felix might use me, saving him had been my own choice.

Tears fell. I was finally facing the knot of emotions I had ignored for the past two months. Just as I couldn’t avoid my fate with the Emperor, perhaps meeting the Dragon was unavoidable too. Once again, I…

Suppressing my tears, I tightened my grip around Felix. Despite the multiple layers of his uniform, I could feel his heartbeat against mine. Our pulses were strangely out of sync, the two beats feeling like the uneven footsteps of a limping man.

Felix cried as he held me. I did not.

After my persistent pestering, Ilya finally assigned me a tutor. Being in the Imperial Palace made life even more tedious. If I could have used “recuperation” as an excuse to go down to a quiet rural estate, I would have been much freer.

The day the teacher first arrived, Zeimer canceled all his morning appointments to stay by my side. His aide paced nervously outside the door, nearly in tears, but Zeimer dismissed him with a single word:

“Tell them to wait.”

I didn’t know why Zeimer had decided to audit my lessons, but I felt a silent pity for the teacher I hadn’t even met yet. If they didn’t meet Zeimer’s standards, they would surely face his biting criticism for being “low-level.”

The subjects I chose were simple: Literacy and History. I wanted to learn Philosophy as well, but it was too much for my current lack of education. Hard subjects like Politics or Diplomacy weren’t for me yet, and I never intended to learn them. As for Military Science, I still remembered the books I’d struggled through, and as someone who had lived through the war, I had no desire to study it. It was gruesome.

I had learned magic through practice rather than theory, so I saw no point in digging through textbooks. The knowledge from the basic magic books I’d read through the nights over the last five years allowed me to cast almost anything. Of course, magitech was a different story.

I argued that I should have my lessons in the library, but the motion was rejected by everyone. Claiming I shouldn’t leave the bed yet, Felix looked ready to ban the lessons entirely.

In the end, it was only after receiving Zeimer’s morning care—including having him wash my face—that I was ready to meet the teacher. Ever since that day I bathed with Claire, Zeimer had become strangely obsessed with my hygiene. He came every morning and evening to wipe me down and wash my face, and without fail, he’d ask if I wanted to take a bath. Though I found it odd, my laziness outweighed my curiosity, so I didn’t ask.

Sitting by the bed, Zeimer continued to hold my hand, his palm never seeming to get sweaty. He even interlaced our fingers. It felt a bit suffocating, so I tried to pull away, but he only gripped tighter and asked what was wrong, preventing me from withdrawing.

As always, Zeimer smelled like an old library. His deep-set eyes cast shadows even when the light hit them. His sharp jawline made him look even more piercing. He seemed on edge, perhaps because the fatigue from working through the weekend hadn’t worn off.

“Zeimer.”

“What?”

“Why are you staying by my side?”

Zeimer turned to me instantly, looking as if the question was absurd.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“I don’t understand.”

“You… sigh.”

Zeimer raked his other hand through his hair—a habit he had when frustrated.

“I’m just here. Because I want to be by your side.”

“…”

Unlike yesterday, Zeimer’s eyes were blazing with mana as usual. I was momentarily taken aback by his serious reply. I had only meant to ask why he wasn’t leaving so the lesson could start. It was also a suggestion that he should go rest since he looked tired.

Zeimer was leaning in with an intense gaze when a knock sounded and the door opened. He instantly sat back and resumed his role as a composed host.

“Greetings. I am Annabeth Riordan, and I will be teaching you Literacy and History starting today. You may call me Ann.”

“Hello, Teacher.”

“Good to see you. We’ve met before, haven’t we?”

“It has been a long time, Archmage. Have you been well?”

Zeimer seemed to know Ann, greeting her with familiarity. I was surprised to see such a sensible exchange from a man who had just been flaring up emotionally. Noticing my questioning look, Ann spoke.

“He is my benefactor. He moved me from a low-level administrative position to the central department.”

“She’s capable. I personally selected her as your teacher,” Zeimer said boastfully.

I appreciated the sentiment, but I didn’t need such high-level talent. I was practically a blank slate in academics; all I wanted were the basic skills to read books and enough common knowledge not to be left out of noble conversations.

I grabbed Zeimer’s forearm.

“You didn’t have to assign someone so brilliant to me—”

“I applied for the position myself,” Ann interrupted. “I apologize for cutting you off, but I volunteered. I wanted to serve you from your side, Sir Ian.”

“Pardon?”

“You saved my family. My husband and son were both conscripted as low-ranking soldiers, little more than cannon fodder. My daughter was also taken to the war because she could use a tiny bit of magic. Though my husband turned into a monster and never returned, my two children came back safely. It is all thanks to you, Sir Ian.”

The Goddess, who seemed more merciful than anyone, could at times be more cruel than anyone. She was one who would trample a tiny soul and then bark at it to stand up again.

It felt strange. This world I had protected just for myself was a desperate reality for someone else. Today, for the first time, I felt the weight of the piece of the world I had saved.

“Ugh—!”

“Ian!”

A sudden surge of nausea hit me.

Zeimer wrapped an arm around my shoulders and held his hand under my chin. My undigested breakfast threatened to come up, but I gritted my teeth and held my breath. I couldn’t vomit in front of someone I was meeting for the first time.

My vision blurred. I felt cold sweat breaking out.

“I’m okay.”

Ann looked at me with concern, but I soon lifted my head as if nothing were wrong. I patted the arm holding me, acting fine for fear that Zeimer might cancel the lessons today.

“Are you really okay?”

“My stomach just turned for a moment.”

Zeimer looked suspicious and didn’t drop his guard, but after my firm insistence, he finally moved to the sofa—though not before telling me multiple times to speak up if I felt unwell.

Fortunately, the lesson concluded without further incident. I couldn’t fully concentrate while pretending to be fine, but Ann was skilled enough that I could tell the lesson was excellent.

I was satisfied with Ann. After gauging my level through a simple test, she continued the lesson with a detached yet meticulous care, neither looking down on me nor overpraising me.

After the two-hour lesson, I reached for the materials Zeimer was tidying up.

“Give them to me.”

“No.”

“I want to look over them again.”

“I said no. Your condition isn’t good right now. I already compromised a lot by letting you take the lesson.”

“Zeimer—”

“The teacher is coming every other day, so look at these tomorrow.”

My mind was a mess. I needed something to distract myself. It didn’t have to be the lesson materials. I reached out to Zeimer again.

“I said no—ah?”

This time, my target wasn’t the papers but Zeimer’s sleeve. Since he had already laid me back down, I missed the sleeve, but I managed to snag his waistline.

“Then don’t go.”

I felt like I could hear Zeimer’s aide in the hallway sighing with frustration.

“Stay with me until Ilya comes later.”

Zeimer’s expression froze.

“What… what’s wrong? Do you feel unwell?”

“It’s not that.”

“Let me see.”

His worried gaze scanned me thoroughly.

It was all because of me. The fact that Ann’s husband became a monster, the fact that his body was never found.

Even if I lived trying to ignore it, there were moments when regret surged up. At those times, I wanted to stop thinking and hide somewhere. If only I had started a little earlier. If only I had a little more courage.

Even if the Demon King was a lie to me, it wasn’t a lie to everyone else.

“I’m fine.”

I was a Hero carrying a sin. I had to be fine.

I forced a smile for Zeimer.