Chapter 25: A Glasshouse in the Dead of Winter

Thump—

I woke up gasping for air, that jolting sensation of falling still clinging to my chest. My heart hammered against my ribs, and my skin was slick with cold sweat. I must have had a nightmare, though the details refused to surface.

I rang the bell to summon the servant waiting outside. In the Imperial Palace, attendants worked night shifts in rotation.

“Yes, Sir Ian.”

In the palace, I was called by my name. It made sense, as I had neither a surname nor a title. For all I knew, that servant held a higher social standing than I did. In fact, they almost certainly did; the inner palaces located within the central walls weren’t places just anyone could enter. As uncomfortable as I was being served, they likely felt a similar distaste at having to attend to a black-haired pauper as their superior.

“Some water, please…”

It was still the dark of early morning. My throat was parched. I needed to flush out the throbbing ache in my head.

The servant brought a glass of water from a side table—water that couldn’t be described as “cool” even as a polite lie. I wanted to guzzle ice-cold water, but even that wasn’t allowed. I was in a position where I had to call an attendant just to take a few sips, lest they notice the water level in the pitcher had dropped without supervision.

He slid an arm behind my back to support me firmly and held the cup to my lips. I drank quietly, the sound of my swallowing echoing unnaturally loud in the silent room.

As he lowered me back down, I stared blankly at the ceiling before impulsively catching the servant’s sleeve as he turned to leave.

“Um.”

“Yes, please speak.”

“Ah… nothing…”

Why had I called him? I turned my head away, suddenly afraid of the servant’s puzzled gaze. It was still the dead of night.

I curled up and pulled the duvet over my head, trying to submerge the fragments of emotion rising in my mind. Ever since Tutor Ann’s visit—or more accurately, ever since hearing her story—I hadn’t stopped trembling. There was no reason for it. There shouldn’t be a reason.

I covered my ears with both hands and blinked into the darkness. I wanted to close my eyes, but I couldn’t; whenever I did, scenes from the past unfolded behind my lids. I was sinking along with the emotions drifting aimlessly in my head. Don’t get swept away. You’re the Hero.

I hadn’t slept a wink since waking at dawn, focusing entirely on the simple act of breathing. Every inhale felt like it was tearing my lungs. The air seemed to gouge me out, stripping me bare.

Because I was still covering my ears, I didn’t even realize Felix had entered. Normally I would have noticed, but not today.

He had come earlier than usual, likely having heard that I skipped breakfast. A shadow flickered over the duvet. Felix leaned down and gently lifted the covers. I started, my eyes widening at the sudden intrusion. Through the gap, I met Felix’s golden eyes.

“Can I… hold your hand for a moment?”

I reached out one hand from my curled position. Sensing my mood, Felix sat beside me in silence. I remained mostly hidden, offering only my hand from beneath the blankets. He stroked it repeatedly.

After a long while of that rhythmic stroking, Felix finally spoke.

“Ian.”

“…”

“Shall we go outside for a bit?”

The Emperor was a busy man. Governing a vast continent was no small feat. I was grateful that Felix was trying to lift my spirits, but I also felt the weight of it.

“Before it gets any colder, we should go for a walk at least once, shouldn’t we?”

I felt sorry for Felix, who was coaxing me without even knowing why I was like this. At the same time, the small gesture—showing he would stay by my side as long as I wanted even if I didn’t speak—scared me. But I couldn’t keep running away forever.

“Heave-ho. Have you put on some weight? You feel a bit heavier than when you were at the Temple. Or am I wrong?”

As I gave a small nod of affirmation, Felix carefully pulled back the duvet and wrapped me in a blanket before lifting me up. The blanket was uncharacteristically cozy and warm; glancing at it, I saw it shimmering with a golden light—Felix must have done something to it.

“Now that I think about it, I haven’t even given you a proper tour of the palace yet.”

Even though I didn’t reply, Felix continued to talk. Having dismissed all the guards and servants, only Felix’s low voice and the sound of his boots echoed through the high, wide palace corridors. I simply buried my head in his chest. The more I did, the more strength he put into the solid arms holding me.

“I promised myself… if you came back alive, I would ensure everyone treated you like the most honored guest.”

“…”

“Unlike my pathetic uncle.”

Felix paused for a moment. It was a fact I learned only later, but he seemed to be remembering the sensation of beheading his own uncle and being drenched in his hot blood.

“But I think I was wrong. I shouldn’t have treated you as a guest, but as family.”

Felix kept talking and stroking my shoulder until we left the palace and reached the gardens. His monologue continued until we arrived at the glass conservatory in the center of the garden. It was a place where the temperature remained warm even in the middle of winter. The conservatory was an extravagant structure, its frame made of ornately crafted black iron and covered in glass. It was truly a place only the imperial family and honored guests could use.

Felix naturally unlocked the door with a Dragon Word and stepped inside. Immediately, the warm air—so different from the chilling air outside—hit my skin. Unlike the world outside where life was fading, the interior hummed with the pulse of all kinds of living things.

Still holding me, Felix sat in a rocking chair suspended from the ceiling. As he pushed off with his foot, the chair began to swing gently. Unlike his constant whispering on the way here, Felix now rocked the chair in silence. I remained in his arms for a long time.

“Felix.”

I asked without looking at him. This was a luxurious glass conservatory. An old memory knocked on my mind.

“Am I doing the right thing? Did I make the right choice?”

After rocking the chair in silence for a while, Felix gave an answer that seemed entirely disconnected from the question.

“Ian, I promise to always be by your side. If you ever need a place to return to, I will make spring bloom even in the dead of winter and wait for you. Just like this conservatory.”

Felix was an Emperor carrying the weight of a vast continent. And I was a Hero carrying the weight of the Goddess’s great sin. We were beings that should never have mixed.

My role was to sever despair and absorb it with my whole body, while Felix’s role was to cultivate hope for a new era. I was merely a fleeting moment of dawn between night and day, carrying the darkness; I could never belong to the brilliant, golden light of day.

And yet, Felix kept trying to share my burden. Even knowing how heavy it was, and even though his own shoulders were endlessly weighed down, he tried to take my load as well.

I wished he wouldn’t come any closer. Right now, I had found a balance just barely enough to endure, even if that method was turning a blind eye. Because simply holding on was so exhausting, I couldn’t possibly handle an Emperor who was already carrying a massive burden of his own. The weight of a life, no matter how small, was incredibly heavy. The Emperor, carrying that massive hope, made me feel suffocated just by his presence.

I was too broken. I wanted to rest now. My war hadn’t ended yet. Crushed under the weight of the despair piled on top of me, I was still collapsing every moment. It was a mass formed by gathering all the despairs of this world—a punishment for the sin of deceiving so many lives. It was my portion to bear.

I mustn’t cry. Because I am the Hero. All I could do was close my eyes and empty my head, hoping this despair would dilute even slightly within me.

I ran my fingers through Felix’s well-groomed hair, messing it up. Then I quietly traced his sculpted eyebrows, the prominent brow bone, and the straight bridge of his nose. Even if the weight being carried was the same, if its essence was different, the perceived weight was different.

I didn’t die. That was the Goddess’s promise. Even if the whole world rushed to kill me, I wouldn’t die. But everyone else besides me died. The Goddess’s arrows were fired randomly without direction, and countless people vanished because of those blind arrows.

The Goddess stained the world in despair and then sent salvation. Even as they died, people called for the Hero and the Goddess. She joyfully accepted that twisted faith. And the malice and despair that had nowhere to go became my portion.

I prayed to the Goddess. To let me rest now. To leave me alone as I struggled just to pull myself together.

But the Goddess knew. And so did Felix. Because they were both the same “Light.” Darkness swallowed the light, but light illuminated even the darkness. The darkness still remained—it remained inside me. Perhaps I had already become another form of darkness. It was still dawn. A momentary eternity was needed for the sun to rise.

Felix, an infinitely bright light, held onto me through an instinct etched into his soul, so that I wouldn’t leave his sight. And even knowing it would be poison to me, I had no choice but to lean on that light because it was so warm.

The difference between despair and hope was paper-thin. It was a fine line.

The world is wide and full of lunatics. I just didn’t expect there to be two in my tiny world.

“Ha, seriously, Zeimer, you crazy bastard.”

Felix spat out a low curse and sat roughly in the chair. The Emperor, who always valued elegance and dignity, looked as if he had returned to being the rough Commander-in-Chief from the war. I blinked in surprise at this side of Felix I hadn’t seen in a long time and stared at him.

“Ah, sorry. I startled you.”

Felix soon wiped the fierce look from his face and put on his usual gentle smile, but it didn’t mean much. I’d already seen it. Like an Emperor who had seized a palace rife with intrigue, Felix was an expert at acting.

“Was the lesson interesting?”

I nodded, thinking of my second lesson. My worry that my body might tremble again upon seeing Tutor Ann was for naught; the second lesson ended without issue. I had even been praised. When she complimented me with a flat voice and a stiff face, saying I was quick to learn, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly good. Recalling it now, I felt a bit embarrassed and lowered my head.

“Secretary Annabeth Riordan is a brilliant talent. I was quite pleased to hear she had applied.”

I picked up a piece of dried mango, feeling a bit wary of the tension still radiating from Felix despite his gentle mask. In these times so soon after the war, this was a luxury snack that would be unthinkable anywhere but the palace.

Felix didn’t seem to be in a good mood; perhaps he’d had a fight with Zeimer this afternoon. He drank his strong coffee somewhat irritably.

I was curious, yet at the same time, I had no desire to know. Zeimer must have said something. And since the Felix in front of me was no pushover, they must have had a massive clash.

I rolled the mango pulp in my mouth and surreptitiously watched Felix. After leaving the conservatory, I had called him “Your Majesty” again as if nothing had happened, and Felix naturally went along with it. We were comrades facing each other from opposite sides while carrying the same weight. However, he and I could never be together forever.

As if trying to kill the murderous aura, Felix asked me various things warmly and smiled. But there was no way that menacing energy could be hidden. This was the first time since returning to the palace that I had seen Felix lose his composure like this. It seemed he had been so emotionally charged that he couldn’t handle his official duties this afternoon and had stopped by to see me. Thanks to that, I was currently having a somewhat uncomfortable afternoon tea.

I tried to cheer him up, just as he had cheered me up. Of course, my effort consisted of nothing more than staying quiet and eating the dried mango as if it were the most delicious thing in the world. Since Felix had brought it as a rare specialty from a distant region.

Only after draining his hot coffee did Felix seem to calm down. With somewhat rough movements, he untied his cravat and tossed it onto a corner of the tea table set up by the bed. The high-quality fabric lay there, utterly crumpled.

Felix leaned back in the chair with one elbow on the armrest and his legs spread—a very improper posture. His usually well-ordered hair had long since become disheveled.

Suddenly, the sound of thumping footsteps echoed in the hallway. Judging by the sound, there were two people. Someone was approaching with very fast steps, and another person was chasing after them.

Slam!

The door burst open, and a quite disheveled Zeimer appeared. He looked a mess, as if something had happened to him.

“Felix!”

And behind him stood Claire, looking distraught after failing to stop Zeimer. Felix stood up with an expression that said he had a massive headache. Zeimer was incredibly agitated. His aura was far more menacing than Felix’s had been when he first entered.

“You, right now…!”

Zeimer trembled.

“You… you…! You hypocrite!”

As I watched the power struggle between the two, I found myself wishing they would both just vanish from my sight.

“Cough-hack!”

“Ian!”