Chapter 3 Part 12: The Last Sound of Sand

‘He was a child who rarely got sick, so he didn’t need much attention.’

It was a sentence my mother almost never failed to include when boasting about me to someone.

That I managed my grades well without expensive tutoring, that I became class president as I moved up in grades, that I won awards in some competition, that even though he’s my son, he’s really tall and handsome…… among all those words, it was also a sentence that particularly earned envy from others.

‘Soohyuk, let’s try a little harder.

We can fix this.’

When I came home after a fight at school and she thought I had emotional issues, she grabbed my hand—already a grown man’s—and dragged me to a counseling center.

My mother said the same thing to the counselor.

A child who doesn’t need much attention.

A child with no flaws.

He didn’t whine or cause trouble, so he was often the envy of neighborhood friends.

‘But teacher, why did my child turn out like this?’

When I sat there in silence, there was no way I didn’t understand my mother’s true intentions.

She could pat me on the shoulder and say that fights among boys of that age were common enough, but she couldn’t accept that her son liked men.

‘My husband was a rather strict person.

Do you think that might have had any influence?’

And she desperately hoped it wasn’t her responsibility.

My son had beaten someone up—what did it matter whether he liked men or not?

Once you become an adult, hitting people makes you a criminal, but sleeping with a man ends with feeling good.

She’d clearly seen that a friend’s face, a kid who’d once come over to play, was covered in bruises when she was called to the school, but all she could think of was using it as an excuse to bring me here.

I was boiling with anger.

It’s been so long since I last saw her face that my feelings have faded, and now that I’ve aged enough to somewhat understand a parent’s heart, I know that her actions came from shock too—but back then, I was quite shaken by the realization that my protector was far more foolish than I’d ever known.

That day’s scene became one of the decisive reasons I left home without any lingering attachment.

‘Soohyuk, how are things going?

Should I make some side dishes and bring them over?’

‘I’m fine.’

Mending a broken relationship can’t be done with just one side’s effort.

My mother eventually couldn’t overcome her stubborn son.

The calls that used to come around holidays, asking if I’d at least show my face, stopped coming after my parents separated.

‘Did I really have to be that cold?’

I had my reasons for not indulging in sentimental thoughts.

I had to maintain my current life, and I had to think about the future too.

My routine, structured around my goals, left no room for idle thoughts.

‘Wow, is this even a real report card?

Why are you working so hard?’

‘I need the scholarship.’

For the future.

‘Can you cover a night shift?

I’ll bump up your hourly rate.’

‘I’ll do it.’

For the future.

‘Soohyuk!

The person who used to clean here suddenly quit—could you do the stairs twice a week?

Just sweeping and mopping.

I’ll deduct it from your rent while you’re doing it.’
‘When should I start?’

For the future.

How I managed to work part-time on weekday evenings and full-time on weekends during the semester, while occasionally taking on freelance work or tutoring in my field—even I wonder about that sometimes.

It was a time when I ran like a racehorse, as if living fiercely, enough to make anyone tongue-tied, was some kind of proof.

‘……Boss, I’m really sorry, but I think I have the flu.

Could I take just today off?

If it’s hard to find a replacement, I’ll look for one.’

When I spoke with a voice mixed with coughing, the owner of the meat restaurant I worked at said he knew this day would come, didn’t get angry, and told me to rest until tomorrow and come back next week.

He said he’d get his nephew to cover, so I didn’t need to worry.

His words, that he was letting it slide because I’d always been such a good worker, carried the awkwardness unique to middle-aged men who find it hard to pass on kindness as simply kindness.

I was thinking how nice it would be to just fall asleep like the dead without thinking about anything.

His favor was naturally very welcome, but at the same time, another thought crossed my mind.

‘Ah, f*ck…… there goes 200,000 won…….’

Only after I collapsed once did I realize that what I’d believed all along wasn’t entirely true.

It was true that I’d been born with a naturally healthy constitution, but if I’d been raised in a different environment, there would have been differences.

It meant that only with careful observation and care did I become a healthy child free from minor ailments.

Fed good food, kept safe from countless dangers.

‘Ugh…….’

The small refrigerator in my studio apartment was completely empty.

I hadn’t felt the need to buy anything since I’d be eating at work over the weekend anyway.

Emergency medicine…… as if I had any.

With my fever blazing and my brain not working properly, there was nothing I could do right away.

I managed to pop an ice cube I found in the freezer into my mouth and tried to think as clearly as possible.

‘I should go out at least once.’

I threw on a coat over the tracksuit I was wearing as pajamas, pulled my hat down low, and put on a black mask—I must have looked quite suspicious.

Not having the confidence to go far, I headed to the convenience store just down the stairs.

I grabbed a basket and dumped packs of porridge from the shelf like I was pouring them in, and grabbed a few sports drinks too.

The retort porridge packs had dust on them from being on display for a long time, but I didn’t have time to worry about that.

Luckily, I could even buy fever reducer here.

A bored-looking part-time worker around my age was scanning barcodes, then slid one of the two fever reducers I’d placed aside.

‘You can only buy one medication at a time.’

‘Ah, yes.’

It didn’t matter, since I’d been planning to buy an extra as backup anyway.

After paying and stepping outside with the fairly heavy bag, someone ran up and tapped my shoulder.

‘Soohyuk, what are you doing here?’

My vision wasn’t that bad, but the person looked blurry, so I squinted—and he stared back with a flustered face.

‘Ah…… just for a bit.’

I didn’t want to explain the whole long story—that I wasn’t feeling well, had nothing at home, and no one to cover for me, so I’d come to the convenience store to buy some things.

I hated being looked at with pity, and more than anything, I didn’t want to drag out the conversation here.

I just wanted to go upstairs, take some medicine, and sleep.

That was all I could think about.

But the other person, noticing something was off from my hoarse voice, bloodshot eyes, and slightly different demeanor than usual, asked with concern in his voice.

‘Are you sick or something?’

‘Yeah, so I’m going inside to rest.’

‘……You’re going to eat that?’

The semi-transparent white bag gave away its contents with just a glance.

He looked at the more than ten retort porridge packs with a disgusted expression, then pursed his lips and spoke as if making a decision.

‘There’s a porridge place about a ten-minute walk away.

I’ll go buy it for you.

Eating only this stuff won’t help you get better.’

I knew perfectly well that eating from a specialty shop was better than those retort porridges that had little solid ingredients and all tasted the same with artificial seasonings.

But back then, I didn’t know how to graciously accept someone’s kindness.

‘Huh?’

The person who seemed overly glad to see me—we’d easily run into each other at school anyway—might have known about my sexual orientation, I thought.

Maybe he’d heard rumors through a mutual high school connection, or maybe he’d sensed it with gaydar.

‘No, it’s fine.’

I didn’t want to do the sleazy thing of picking only the convenient parts out of their obvious goodwill.

If I gave them an inch like this, they’d fall into the illusion that we were close.

‘Having someone around would just distract me.

I wouldn’t be able to rest properly.

And we’re not even that close.’

‘Uh, okay?

Got it…….’

He nodded with a deflated face and gave a timid farewell.

“Take care.”

In a voice so small it was barely audible, I answered, “You too.”

As if his words had been a prophecy, the flu that I’d thought would be better in a day clung to me for over a week.

I’d occasionally run into him looking haggard, but we’d just pass each other naturally, without him approaching me again.

Only later did I realize that rejection had become a habit.

By the time I couldn’t fix it, and couldn’t find a reason to.

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