Chapter 39: The Weight of Desire

“No!”

Naturally, licentious thoughts cascaded through Emil’s mind. Such aimless acts were nothing more than a pursuit of carnal pleasure.

“Get a grip, you’re insane. This shouldn’t be happening….”

Emil squeezed his eyes shut, desperately trying to recall hymns. He brought to mind fragments of seminary lessons, the Priest’s explanations about sin, and finally—Lauren. Yet, this only served to hinder the calming of his turbulent feelings. The accumulating, suspicious situations merely complicated Emil’s thoughts further.

Matters concerning his mother and Jack remained utterly unresolved. Instead, his mother’s pleasure-filled voice resonated in his ears, and then, once more, Yanis’s image surfaced—

“Ah, no! Let’s not think about it.”

Emil shot up from the bed. His legs almost gave out, nearly sending him sprawling, yet he rummaged through his belongings and pulled out his Bible. It was the only method he could conceive to cleanse his tumultuous thoughts.

He opened it to a random page and began reading the verses that met his gaze. Unable to even sit at his desk, he remained curled on the floor, attempting to read. Even so, the words failed to register.

His eyes traced the lines, but Yanis’s face persistently filled his mind.

“Emil.”

Emil flinched at the sudden voice. Yanis was looking down at him, where he crouched on the floor, a surprised expression on his face.

“What are you doing on the floor?”

“Uh, the guest is….”

“I gave them medicine and sent them off. Their injuries weren’t as severe as I thought. More importantly, why are you suddenly….”

It was only natural for Yanis to be bewildered, seeing the person he had just put to bed suddenly on the floor. As Yanis approached Emil, his gaze fell upon what Emil held in his hands.

“Ah….”

“Is that a Bible?”

“Yes… it is.”

His face flushed as he answered. Merely being caught reading the Bible so abruptly made him feel utterly exposed. He worried about what Yanis might be thinking of him.

What would Yanis’s reaction be if he knew Emil, a prospective priest, harbored feelings for a man—his own mother’s fiancé, no less?

“I’ll move you to the desk.”

“No, I’m fi—”

Yanis effortlessly lifted Emil. Though Emil wasn’t as heavily muscled as Jack, and was a man himself, Yanis lifted him with such ease it seemed he weighed nothing at all.

He gently placed Emil onto a chair, then set the teacup he’d brought earlier onto the desk.

“……Thank you.”

“Not at all.”

As Emil offered his thanks, Yanis simply waved it off, pulling up a chair to sit opposite him. Noticing Emil’s puzzled expression, Yanis offered an explanation.

“Can you share its contents with me as well?”

Whether to explain God’s will to Espers and Guides was always a major controversy within the religious order. Some argued they shouldn’t know, as they weren’t chosen people.

Others argued they had a right to know, being human, and that no one could prevent their rights.

During his seminary days, Emil had once debated a similar topic. He had been required to argue from a perspective assigned by his instructor, regardless of his personal beliefs. At that time, Emil had argued that God’s will should not be revealed to them.

“It’s fine. However… please refrain from discussing this with others, as it might lead to significant misunderstandings for you.”

Emil responded, avoiding Yanis’s gaze. That debate topic remained a profound dilemma for him. Had he been allowed to choose his own stance, he might never have reached a conclusion.

While teaching scripture to non-believers was inherently contradictory, thoughts of his mother always swayed his resolve.

Despite her son being a seminarian, Lauren had never been allowed onto the campus because she was an Esper. While seminarians’ families usually had at least one opportunity to visit during their enrollment, she was always an exception.

Even when Emil pleaded, the seminary never granted permission. The reason was simple: Lauren was an Esper. And since Lauren always struggled to control her abilities, lying about her posing no problem was impossible.

“Thank you.”

Emil had never been able to teach his mother doctrine. He considered himself a coward for it. Unlike Emil, who felt rotten to the core, Yanis listened to his story with a bright expression.

Seeing Yanis sit upright, attentively listening, made his heart pound once more. ‘I am a coward. A craven, an apostate. No different from a harlot.’

“What this passage signifies is….”

Though he was relaying the Lord’s words to Yanis, Emil’s mind was still consumed by the image of Yanis reaching out to him. He longed to know why Yanis had stopped him, what he had intended to say.

Memories of the previous night resurfaced. The man’s embrace, his potent scent, the unprecedented pleasure, and the sensation of being pushed to his limits. Even knowing it was merely a therapeutic act, the images replayed relentlessly in his mind.

Yanis listened attentively to Emil. Yet, Emil’s mind went blank. He knew this moment was what he had long dreamt of: to graduate, become a priest, convey God’s precious words, and live as His emissary for their salvation.

But now, only Yanis’s unspoken words from moments ago echoed in his mind. He craved the sensation of Yanis’s lips tracing his skin. ‘If only I couldn’t control my power—’

Boom!

“Gasp!”

At that very instant, a colossal chunk of ice plummeted onto the desk. It landed precisely between Emil and Yanis, completely obstructing their view. It was frozen so solid that it didn’t even shatter.

“Are you alright?”

“I—I’m fine. And you….”

“I’m fine. Ah, dear.”

Yanis sighed, comforting the frozen Emil. Emil felt he understood the thoughts in Yanis’s eyes. It seemed Yanis believed Emil had made another mistake, that he still couldn’t control his power well.

Clasping his pounding chest, Emil instinctively offered an apology.

“I’m sorry. I did it again….”

“No, it’s my mistake. Your power couldn’t possibly stabilize that quickly.”

It wasn’t a mistake. Emil knew it with absolute certainty. He hadn’t erred. This was clearly intentional. To avoid revealing his true thoughts, Emil stared directly at Yanis.

He feared that averting his gaze would only invite suspicion. Beneath the desk, Emil tightly clasped his trembling hands.

Yanis frowned, staring at the block of ice for a long moment. Emil easily discerned that Yanis could make this formidable obstruction disappear with little effort.

However, now was not the opportune moment. As if having made a decision, Yanis’s jaw tightened before he turned to face Emil.

“I apologize, Emil. It seems… we’ll need to perform another treatment.”

Ah! At those words, Emil’s heart soared. He fought to suppress the upward curve of his lips, instead nodding with a solemn expression.

“I’m sorry, because of me. Thank you so much….”

“I should be apologizing. As your Guide, I haven’t fully helped you.”

Yanis added that another treatment would likely be necessary after their consultation for the day concluded. Emil nodded in agreement.

‘Just one more time.’ ‘To be held in Yanis’s embrace, to reach that peak, to share that pleasure just once more, would be enough.’ ‘No, Emil desired just one more ‘treatment’.’

Emil knew better than anyone that he was a sinner. Yet, he chose the path of cowardice just one more time. Yanis guided Emil to the bed, solely for the purpose of treatment.

****

When he finally regained consciousness, night had fallen once more. His entire circadian rhythm had been utterly inverted. Yanis brought tea to Emil, who lay exhausted and sprawled on the bed.

After drinking the tea, Emil, still naked, went into the examination room and began shattering the ice pillars that had remained from earlier. Each pillar dissolved effortlessly, as if touched by a fairy’s hand.

“Well done.”

Yanis draped a blanket around Emil and kissed his cheek. This seemingly minor gesture of affection was a form of guiding. A strange confidence surged within Emil.

He felt as though he could freeze and shatter anything.

“How does using your power feel?”

In response to Yanis’s question, Emil completely cleared the ice chunk from the desk. Then, he repeatedly created and dissolved intricate geometric ice patterns on one wall of the room.

Despite the work being far more delicate than earlier, Emil performed it without difficulty. Yanis observed him, giving a slight nod of approval.

“It seems you’ve fully stabilized now.”

“It’s all thanks to you. Thank you.”

Hearing Emil’s thanks, Yanis chuckled softly. He took Emil’s hand, as if escorting him, kissed the back of it, then raised his head to kiss him again.

Though inwardly surprised by Yanis’s actions, Emil merely smiled. He felt he finally understood what Yanis meant by ‘guiding.’ Indeed, whenever Yanis was close to or touched Emil, his recovery was swift. He now grasped the mechanism of how a Guide ‘guides’ an Esper.

“It won’t be difficult to remove, will it?”

Yet, Emil did not forget that this entire process was merely a means to an end. Ultimately, he would shed this cursed power bestowed upon him and become a priest.

While Yanis had helped him control his power, this was simply a method to completely detach it from his body.

Yanis smiled faintly at Emil’s question and kissed him again. In the fleeting moment their lips met, he gave Emil the answer he desired.

“It will be enough.”

This time, Yanis’s lips found Emil’s neck. Yanis responded keenly whenever Emil struggled after using his power. Though Emil hadn’t been affected by using this much power, this act of sharing warmth with Yanis felt incredibly good.

He felt loved, and the accompanying pleasure, unlike anything he had ever known, was equally delightful.

‘It felt as if they were lovers.’ Emil decided to savor this time, this relationship, granted to him. After all, in due time, they would become father and son.

Of course, as Emil was destined to become a priest, he wouldn’t be able to fulfill the role of an ordinary son.

Moonlight streamed brightly through the wide-open window, illuminating them both. All that was good and beautiful in the world bore the touch of God. If the pleasure derived from his acts with Yanis was a sin, the Creator would not have brought such sensation into existence.

Thus, Emil, too, was entitled to feel this pleasure.

“Haa….”

Emil wrapped his arms around Yanis’s shoulders and slowly lowered onto the bed. This warmth, this scent, this firmness—not a single aspect was anything but wonderful. Yanis raised his head and kissed Emil.

‘Only, my Father, may this not be a sin.’

Emil closed his eyes, turning away from the pouring moonlight.