Chapter 64: There’s No One Home (1)

“To live doing what you want, you need three kinds of strength.”

When I was left in the care of my great-uncle, he would always say this to me, as if he wanted me to engrave it in my mind.

“Three kinds…?”
“Does our Yeoni know how to write ‘strength’ in Chinese characters?”
“Yes. I learned it at school.”
“Would you write it for me?”

When I went into the room and brought out my sketchbook, my grandfather stroked my hair, praising me.

Even though I hadn’t written anything yet.

“Grandpa, I’m not a kid, you know?”

Being petted like a child when I was already a high school student wasn’t exactly pleasant.

So I always protested to my grandfather, but

“No matter how old you get, to this grandpa, Yeoni will always be a child.”

He would say that and ignore my opinion.

Still,
I liked my grandfather.

“Ah, a pencil.”

I opened the sketchbook to write the character (strength), but I realized I had brought the sketchbook without a pen to write with.

I thought I should bring a pen, so I got up again, but

“Use grandpa’s.”

My grandfather said there was no need and handed me his pen.

A pen that had the marks of time, the pen my grandfather used to draw comics with.

Now, it was a pen retired from my grandfather’s life, only taken out when he felt like it.

When I held my grandfather’s pen in my hand, I felt a strange weight.

As I tried to write with the pen,

“…??”
“Hehehe—it’s not working out, is it?”

The thickness of the lines was uneven, and the writing became a mess.

And seeing my writing, my grandfather laughed as if he knew it would happen.

“…Grandpa, I hate you.”
“Hehe, how can you be full on your first spoonful, Yeona? Give it here.”

I handed the sketchbook to my grandfather along with the pen.

My grandfather took the sketchbook and pen from me and, with familiarity and beauty, engraved the character on the sketchbook.

“Of course, it’s difficult at first.

Only after effort and building skill can you fully master it.”

My grandfather handed the sketchbook back to me.

I looked at the character written by my grandfather and pondered.

Still, I wasn’t so clueless, so I could easily grasp what my grandfather meant.

“Grandpa.”
“What is it, Yeona?”
“Then what’s the last of the three strengths you mentioned earlier?”

In the end, that was what my grandfather wanted to say.

That in order to live doing what you want, you need effort and skill to back you up.

But
What would the last one be?

I was curious about that, so I asked my grandfather.

“The last one…”

Then my grandfather seemed to think for a moment before saying to me.

“How about you try to figure it out yourself, like the other two?”
“Huh??”
“Our Yeoni is smart, so I’m sure you can figure it out.”

I was dumbfounded and stared at my grandfather.

He said that, but it was clear he was sulking because I had preempted him before he could tell me himself.

“…Um.”

But I wasn’t a particularly affectionate granddaughter, nor was I the type to hold on, so
I thought, if you don’t tell me, I’ll just figure it out myself—and searched the dictionary on my phone.

Strength… strength….

“Effort, skill, charm, cooperation…”

Effort and skill are already out, so let’s exclude them.

Then could charm be my grandfather’s answer?

I didn’t think so.

My grandfather, my great-uncle, was someone who had been subtly scorned in the family for drawing comics.

It felt too awkward for my grandfather, who had lived his whole life alone in the shadow of my great-grandfather, to say that to me.

For the same reason, cooperation also didn’t seem to be the right answer.

There was no way someone who had achieved everything with his own strength would teach me cooperation.

Then what could it be, what strength would best suit my grandfather’s life, following effort and skill?

Career…?

That’s not it.

Violence, no way.

Physical strength?

That’s a bit plausible, but I don’t think my grandfather, who likes to say grand things, would say something so basic.

Academic ability, manpower, career… it doesn’t suit my grandfather, who was a self-made man with only a middle school education.

As I was searching the dictionary, one word caught my eye.

[All one’s Strength]
Noun

1. Devoting all one’s energy to one thing.

This is it.

It seemed more than fitting for my grandfather, who had always fought against the world with all his might.

Effort, skill, and living with all your might.

That was my grandfather’s three strengths for living doing what you want.

“…!”

I felt strangely good.

In the end, I had figured it all out before my grandfather could tell me.

For once, I had beaten my grandfather.

He’s so good at janggi, omok, and baduk, really.

I picked up the pen that my grandfather had placed beside him.

I wrote effort, skill, and next to it, all my might, on the sketchbook, and then, satisfied, I held the sketchbook up high and looked at it.

“You figured it out after all?

Being too smart is something to think about.

…Let me see.”

My grandfather came beside me and looked at what I had written in the sketchbook.

But for some reason,
The expression on my grandfather’s face, which was always smiling, gradually hardened.

“Well… Yeoni’s idea isn’t wrong.”

He said that, but my grandfather’s expression was still hardened.

My grandfather took the sketchbook and pen from my hand and drew two lines across it.

On the sketchbook, the word ‘all my might’ was crossed out with two lines.

I was puzzled.

Because I never thought that my grandfather, who had lived with all his might more than anyone else, would deny it so strongly.

Taken aback, I just stared at the sketchbook, and my grandfather gestured for me to come and sit down.

I didn’t say anything and went to sit next to my grandfather.

This time too, my grandfather stroked my hair.

But his hand felt heavy.

“Yeoni.”
“…Yes.”
“Do you remember what this grandpa said at first?”

Listening to my grandfather’s words, I recalled the earlier conversation.

What did he say was needed to live doing what you want?

“To live doing what you want… you need strength?”

I was sure that was it.

But my memory must not be trustworthy because my grandfather shook his head and said I was wrong.

“No, no, isn’t it said that ‘a’ and ‘ah’ are different?”
“Um… I think it’s right even if I think about it again.”
“It’s similar, but it’s a little different.”

No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t guess what was wrong, so my grandfather told me the answer.

“It wasn’t ‘to live doing what you want’, but ‘what is needed to live while doing what you want’.”
“…What’s the difference?”
“It’s different, very different.”

What difference could there be between ‘doing’ and ‘while doing’?

Maybe it’s because he was a cartoonist, but he sometimes said things I couldn’t understand like this.

In these cases, it was best to just listen quietly, so I just waited for my grandfather’s next words.

“Living doing what you want is, in a way, something anyone can do.”
“…? It seems difficult enough.”
“No, it’s difficult to live well doing what you want.

There’s nothing you can’t do just to live.”

To me, challenging something where I didn’t even know if I could make a living seemed difficult, so I didn’t understand well.

It seemed that was too easy for my grandfather.

“And what’s really difficult is living while doing what you want.”
“…So what’s the difference, Grandpa?”
“Even if what you wanted becomes work, continuing to live while it’s still what you want to do.

That’s living while doing what you want.”

Listening to my grandfather’s words, I could vaguely understand what he meant.

I’ve often heard that no matter how much you love something you started, you can’t enjoy it the moment it becomes labor.

That being said, I wasn’t convinced that the difference of a single letter between ‘doing’ and ‘while doing’ was that big.

“It’s a funny story, but this grandpa lived harder than anyone.”
“…I know.”
“There wasn’t a single moment I didn’t give it my all.

I was that desperate….
Fortunately, whether it was because this grandpa had talent or not, I achieved some success in what I wanted to do.”

Some success.

To me, who knew my grandfather, that seemed like excessive humility.

If someone who led the dawn of the comic book industry in this country is considered to have achieved some success, then who could be said to have achieved great success?

But I couldn’t say anything to the regret in that old face.

“But you know, Yeona?

When I think back to those days when I drew comics so desperately with all my might… I can’t bring myself to say it was enjoyable.”
“Of course, there were times when it was enjoyable… but that was because I was pleased with the results I had achieved, not because I was drawing comics.”

In a way, it was a complete denial of my grandfather’s own life.

Even while hearing that he shouldn’t do art but become a ‘hwanjaengi’ (a derogatory term for artist),
Still, because he loved it so much, he walked that path,
He wasn’t happy.

He wasn’t happy.

He couldn’t love comics.

My grandfather, saying that,

“People get tired after pouring everything out.”
“And what makes you tired makes even the affection you had gradually disappear.”
“So… if you want to love what you love for the rest of your life, Yeoni, don’t pour everything out too much.”

He wrote something on my sketchbook and handed it back to me.

“Liking something is an emotion that comes from peace of mind.”

Below the word ‘all my might’ that was crossed out with two lines, two new letters were written.

[Remaining Strength]

“Always try to leave some leeway.”
“Leaving leeway isn’t about you putting in less effort, but about putting effort into your heart.”

Saying that, my grandfather stroked my hair again.

Not too heavy, not too light,
Just a warm hand.

But Grandpa, do you know?

That your words
Made me dream.