Chapter 69: Because there is no one at home (6)

“Are you feeling a little calmer now?”

I felt Yeoni’s trembling, who had been held in my arms for a while, stop, and I slowly released my arms.

Then Yeoni slowly moved away from me and stood in front of me.

“…Thank you.”

Yeoni, who had returned to her usual calm self, as if her bloodshot eyes and swollen eyes were a lie, thanked me.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.”

I felt awkward and waved my hands, turning towards the display case.

Then Yeoni came next to me and stood side by side with me, asking me.

“Boss.”

“Yes?”

“You said earlier that you didn’t want me to make the same mistake as you, Boss.”

The expression on my face instantly distorted at Yeoni’s words.

I tried to fix it quickly, but it seemed that Yeoni had seen everything.

“…You don’t have to talk about it if it’s hard for you to say.”

Perhaps trying to be considerate of me, Yeoni said that I didn’t have to answer, but
Seeing Yeoni’s strangely dispirited look, I sighed.

“No, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“…Oh?

Really?”

Before starting the story, I moved to a chair and sipped the cold black tea on the table.

I stopped Yeoni, who asked if she should brew some more black tea, and sat her down.

“You want to hear my story, right?”

Seeing Yeoni nod, I started to speak.

“Actually, it’s not a very big deal… have I ever talked about my family?”

“…I’ve never heard of it.”

“Right?”

I wondered where I should start explaining from, but I thought there was no need to say unnecessary things, so I decided to say only the bare minimum.

“I’m originally from the countryside, you know?

I’ve come to Seoul now.”

“…Huh?”

“I originally came to Seoul to go to university… but now I live in Seoul because I have to get a job and go to work.”

“…Huh??”

“That’s the setting.”

Seeing Yeoni not understanding what I was saying, I added a word.

“That’s what my parents know.”

“…Ah.”

“That’s what it is.”

Even though my explanation wasn’t that long, the smart Yeoni quickly understood.

If it had been Ara who was listening, I would have had to say more.

Yeoni, who was making a face as if she had asked something unnecessary, cautiously asked me.

“…You’re not going to tell them, Boss?”

Listening to Yeoni’s voice, which was filled with concern, I looked far away and said.

“I have to tell them… someday, when I’m completely settled and stable.”

Yes, someday.

“…They don’t acknowledge her grandfather, huh.”

The familiar ceiling of my house.

I blankly looked at the ceiling pattern, recalling what had happened at Yeoni’s house.

Yeoni, who had burst into tears saying that no one in her family acknowledged her beloved grandfather.

But looking at that figure, I thought differently.

Ah.

Maybe.

You may not realize it yourself, but.

It’s not that you’re sad that your grandfather was ignored, Yeoni.

If the path of your grandfather, whom you wanted to be like and wanted to follow, isn’t acknowledged,
In the end, you won’t be acknowledged either.

You were afraid.

Seeing your grandfather, who didn’t get acknowledged by your great-uncle until the end and passed away with a lifetime of inferiority complex,
You were afraid that you, who were trying to follow that path, would walk the same path.

That’s what you were afraid of.

That’s why you wanted to run away from your family.

Being denied by your family is a wound that’s hard to bear.

If that’s the case, let’s run away.

It’s not that I don’t understand.

Rather, I’m sympathizing with it very much.

I had felt the same emotion and had run away, so
I wanted to give Yeoni advice.

That she shouldn’t do that.

The wound may hurt, but
Even so, you have to face your family head-on.

….

Geez.

Even I think it’s presumptuous.

How can I, who can’t even take care of myself properly, comfort someone and give advice to someone?

How can I leave a crying child alone?

If I hadn’t brought up the story in the first place, she would have continued to rely on me, but she wouldn’t have cried in front of me.

In the end, I’m always like that.

I seem to be trying to walk the most correct and plausible path, but
In fact, all of them are just actions that started from a selfish heart.

The same was true of what I had said to Yeoni this time.

Don’t be on bad terms with your family.

Even if there are conflicts and fights,
Still, the only ones who will be on your side in the end are your family.

All of them were words that I had said from the bottom of my heart.

No matter who the other person is, you are not me, so
You may agree with me on some points, but you may disagree with me on other points.

And the difference in opinions makes it easy for others to turn their backs on me.

Unlike family, who try to listen to the end, try to understand, or try to persuade, even if they disagree.

Although it wasn’t a long life, it was a reality I had learned after experiencing various twists and turns, and
That’s why I gave Yeoni that advice.

Yes.

It’s true that the words are right.

It would have been very persuasive if I, the person saying those words,
Wasn’t a moron who was afraid of not being understood by his family and kept lying because he was afraid that his parents would be disappointed.

….

I picked up my phone and looked at my recent call history.

Yeoni, Ara, Ara, Ara, Chain, Ara, Yeoni, Ara.

All of the call history was full of work-related calls related to broadcasting.

After scrolling up my call history for a long time, going back to a month ago, there was finally a trace of a call I had made other than for work.

Mother.

Those three letters, written without any modifier, were extremely dry.

It had been a long time since I had made the call, but the contents were clearly remained in my head.

How’s your company life these days?

Is your salary coming out regularly?

Is it okay to live with people at work?

I think it’s almost time for a promotion.

Yeah, come home for a bit too.

….

It’s probably certain.

Because it was always, always the same content of the call.

It’s been over two years since I started broadcasting while pretending to work for a company that I’ve never worked for.

Whether it was fortunate or not, I had earned enough money to make a living from broadcasting even when I was completely unknown,
so I was able to somehow deceive my parents with the money that was deposited in my account, but
In one corner of my heart, I was always struggling with anxiety.

What if I get caught?

If I get caught, what should I say?

The truth is, I’ve never worked for a company, and all the money I’ve earned so far has been earned by deceiving people while pretending to be a woman.

I can’t say that.

My parents wouldn’t understand someone like me, and
It was clear that my parents, who taught me to be upright and honest, would be disappointed.

I didn’t believe in or do any of the plausible things I had told Yeoni.

Just lies, lies, and more lies.

A life dotted with lies, telling lies on the broadcast and lying to my family….

That’s why I said those words to Yeoni.

Because I couldn’t do that,
I hoped that you wouldn’t be like that,
For the sake of a pathetic vicarious satisfaction.

“…Hah… hahaha….”

When I looked back on myself, misery began to rush in.

What if I hadn’t lied to my family back then and had told them the truth?

If I had honestly told my family that I had been scammed by a business partner who had started a business together and had to take on the debt,
Even if they had scolded me a lot, they wouldn’t have abandoned me.

Even if I had told my family when I had applied for a bioequivalence test and had worked as a day laborer at a construction site to pay off my debts and my body had broken down,
I would have heard them telling me to come home, but I would have still been with my family.

At least
Even after I started broadcasting,
Even if I got cursed at by my parents and hurt my parents’ hearts,

Still,
If I had told them honestly,

Things wouldn’t have become irreversible like they are now….

Now that there’s nothing left of my former self, what would I hear if I went back to my family?

Would I be able to be recognized as myself?

Perhaps in front of my eyes, they would ask where the real me had gone, and
I might be treated like a witch, grabbed by the collar and forced to return my son.

My current address is that I have to worry about not just being denied what I want to do, but even being denied that I’m me.

The lifeline that the crazy old man had thrown, which I thought was salvation,
The offer to change the lies I had made into the truth,
Was nothing more than a fishing line with a hook attached to it, with a deep sneer and contempt for liars.

The price of turning lies into truth was turning truth into lies, so

What I gained was what I had so desperately wanted, to survive.

What I lost was the person I loved, and the family who had loved me.

“…Ugh… Sob….”

I’m envious of Yeoni.

Because there’s still enough time to reverse the mistakes.

Because there’s still a chance to talk to her family honestly and face them head-on.

The price of not being able to tell the truth,
The price of not being able to face them head-on,

It’s heavy.

It’s so heavy.

The white-haired beast, who was now too late and full of regrets, shed tears endlessly.

But no one hugs him.

No one comforts him with plausible words.

Because there’s no one at home.