Chapter 21: The Things That Burn

Still, during all those years, Haesu didn’t think he had ever spoken to someone who wasn’t there as if they truly stood before him.

He had heard hallucinated voices before, and sometimes seen fleeting mirages of Kwon Seha pass by his sight, even while fully aware Seha could not possibly be there.

But never for this long.

He had held conversations with him.

He had even mistaken himself into believing they shared an umbrella together.

And thinking Seha had walked him all the way home with him — this was the first time his symptoms had stretched on for so unbearably long.

I’m really going insane.

No wonder he got tired of me.

Haesu pushed his head beneath the bathwater and laughed silently there.

The bubbles escaping from his open mouth floated briefly to the surface before vanishing.

If he lost his sanity even further, what kind of Kwon Seha would he begin to see then?

He found himself wondering.

If he became even crazier, would the hallucinations become stronger than what happened today?

More vivid. More real.

Would he be able to kiss him, touch him, spend hours beside him?

If that were possible, then he welcomed the madness.

Because no one wanted that more desperately right now than Choi Haesu.

He climbed out of the bathtub and washed his hair roughly.

Without even drying himself properly, he walked straight to the bed.

Drip. Drip.

The water falling from him wasn’t much different from when he first entered the apartment.

Ignoring it entirely, he slipped beneath the blanket.

Kwon Seha’s face and voice hadn’t left his head for even a second since earlier.

And wrapped in the warmth of the blanket, Haesu suddenly thought it felt exactly like a grave.

The very thing Choi Haesu longed for most.

Bzzzt— Bzzzt—

Even the phone felt persistent beyond belief.

It refused to stop ringing.

Or maybe Doyoon was the persistent one.

Haesu laughed weakly into empty air.

He stretched his arm out intending to ignore the call if his fingers didn’t reach it.

But the vibration brushed against his fingertips anyway, forcing him to pick it up.

“Yes. Hello.”

[Haesu, where are you right now.]

“Where else would I be? I’m home.”

[…You’re really at home?]

Doyoon worried too much.

But considering the kind of life Haesu had shown people until now, maybe it made sense.

Haesu hated burdening others more than anything, but he had always made exceptions for Doyoon.

Part of that came from the excuse that Doyoon was the only person who knew about the love Kwon Seha and Choi Haesu once shared.

“Yes. It’s quiet, isn’t it? I just showered, and I’m going to sleep now.”

And without exaggeration, he truly wanted to sleep.

He wanted to disappear into unconsciousness already.

He didn’t want to think anymore.

It had only been morning, yet too many things had happened in a single day.

His resolve had crumbled apart.

And then he saw him.

Kwon Seha’s lover.

By the time Haesu organized his thoughts up to that point, he no longer had the strength left to think further.

“I’m going to sleep. So Doyoon, you should too…”

[I keep regretting not taking you home myself.]

“……”

Haesu’s voice remained flat.

Dry. Empty.

A short laugh slipped through emotionless lips.

Then immediately afterward, a painful sensation dragged him straight into filth and misery again.

Even so, his words stayed calm and gentle.

Haesu didn’t recognize the warning signs of his emotions reaching their breaking point before collapsing into endless depression.

Doyoon, listening from the other end of the phone, didn’t realize it either.

[I’ll come after work. Is that okay?]

“We already said we’d meet tomorrow. Let’s meet tomorrow.”

[…Please, Haesu.]

Someone who didn’t need to beg was begging him now.

Haesu thought bitterly that he really was exhausting in every possible way.

How worried must he have made Doyoon for things to reach this point?

Maybe before they parted earlier, he should’ve paid more attention to his own final expression, gestures, every little movement.

At least enough to fool Doyoon into believing he was fine.

He should have done that.

Pretending to be okay was what Choi Haesu did best, after all.

The fact he couldn’t even manage that now felt strangely disappointing.

He eventually smoothed things over by promising he’d contact him after sleeping.

It wasn’t even a lie.

He truly only wanted to lie down.

Doyoon finally agreed and hung up.

Haesu tossed the phone far away carelessly.

Then he reached toward the bedside table with practiced familiarity and grabbed a pill bottle.

“Seha. Are you there?”

No answer came back from the empty air.

He raised his voice a little louder.

“Are you there? Are you there?”

Even when his voice nearly became a shout, there was still no reply.

Irritated, Haesu twisted open the pill bottle.

Without water, he swallowed several pills at once.

He was used to it by now, so it didn’t bother him.

He didn’t even bother closing the bottle before tossing it carelessly onto the floor.

Anyone else would’ve been horrified at the sight.

“So annoying… I hate bastards like Kwon Seha.”

Every day, you’re gone.

Why are you gone?

Why have you been absent from in front of me for this long?

Why? Why?

He collapsed back onto the bed and aimed resentment toward nowhere in particular.

These were things he wanted to say to Seha, but at the same time, he never wanted Seha to hear them.

After the accident, when Seha still wouldn’t wake up, Haesu had begged him only for one thing.

Please open your eyes.

That wish had belonged to Choi Haesu himself.

And since Seha survived and woke up, then naturally someone had to bear the price for everything that came afterward.

That burden belonged entirely to Haesu.

So it was better if Seha never knew these feelings existed.

Seha.

I hate you.

I hate you for never appearing.

I hate you for forgetting me.

I hate you for marrying someone else.

I hate you for erasing us.

I just…

I wish you’d become unhappy.

Even if it’s only half as much as me.

At the end of despair, ugly feelings always revealed themselves so easily.

He wanted Seha to be happy.

But he also wanted him miserable.

Since there no longer seemed to be any future for them in this lifetime, Haesu wished for one thing instead.

That decades later, one random day, Seha would suddenly remember him.

And after living half a lifetime in happiness, from that moment onward, become miserable forever.

Then, at the end of that misery, he would come searching for Choi Haesu.

“You’re really not here, right?”

“……”

“Okay.”

If Seha didn’t exist in his hallucinations anymore, then Haesu would simply go searching for him inside dreams instead.

For now, he still didn’t know what would happen if he reached his hand out tonight.

Before evening even arrived, the fever began.

Haesu was more startled than anything by the sudden cold fever after years without getting sick.

Autumn rain was cruel enough to blur a person’s vision entirely.

And after standing in that rain for so long, getting sick was only natural.

Even after taking medicine and sleeping, his condition remained terrible enough that he kept waking and falling asleep repeatedly.

Every time he woke, he tried moving his hands through hazy consciousness.

He shifted his body, tried turning over, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t force himself upright.

Eventually he would tire himself out and fall asleep again.

At some point, he honestly thought he might die like this.

Since he hadn’t properly treated himself, the fever refused to go down.

Apparently simply sleeping wasn’t enough to recover.

The thing that dragged him awake again was the vibration of his phone.

Again.

Now he regretted throwing it somewhere carelessly earlier.

“Hello…”

Practically crawling, he reached for the phone.

When he pressed the button, his body tilted too far forward, and he ended up falling off the bed with a heavy thud.

Pain shot through his elbow and knees after slamming against the floor.

Looking at the screen, it was exactly who he expected.

Lee Doyoon.

Doyoon had said he would call later, and the reason it never happened properly was Haesu’s fault.

Even though he knew Doyoon would spend the entire day worrying about him, he still hadn’t called back.

He hadn’t anticipated the fever.

[Why does your voice sound like that?]

“…I think I have a fever.”

[Did you get caught in the rain?]

How does he always notice things like this?

Even in his condition, a faint laugh escaped Haesu.

His voice sounded awful after answering the call.

Hoarse and weak enough that anyone would notice immediately.

“Yes. It rained on my way home.”

[Ha… Haesu. Did you take medicine? Go to the hospital. Should I come pick you up?]

“I don’t have medicine…”

[…….]

“And I really don’t want to go to the hospital. I just want to sleep…”

I don’t want to stay awake.

Wouldn’t sleeping make it better?

Probably not.

Choi Haesu’s body wasn’t sturdy enough to recover simply by sleeping through it.

Still, he really didn’t want to go to the hospital.

He didn’t think it was serious enough yet.

More than anything, it felt exhausting.

Doyoon sighed at his answer.

Rather than thinking Haesu was foolish, he was probably blaming himself for not taking Haesu home personally.

It was already nighttime.

Even after work, Doyoon still couldn’t relax because of Haesu.

“It’s okay. I’ll… look for medicine. Don’t worry.”

[If you’re sleepy, then sleep. But… can you tell me your passcode?]

“…Passcode?”

[Yeah. Once you recover completely and I go home, you can change it again. Just tell me the passcode for now. Until then, just sleep.]

His eyelids kept fluttering shut.

It wasn’t sleepiness so much as the medicine finally kicking in.

He had always hated this heavy, foggy feeling in his head, but today he hadn’t even bothered counting how many pills he swallowed.

He regretted that now.

He could barely understand Doyoon’s words anymore, and even what he had just heard slipped from his memory immediately.

When he regained awareness, the call had already ended.

Had he told Doyoon the passcode?

Or maybe Doyoon got tired of waiting through Haesu’s silence and hung up first.

Either way, it didn’t matter.

Thinking that, Haesu lay back down again.

The hard floor lacked the warmth of the bed completely.

He wanted to climb back up, but there was no strength left in his body.

Nothing was going the way he wanted anymore, and irritation surfaced before anything else.

“So sleepy…”

He didn’t even want to hear the vibrations anymore.

He wished nothing would wake him up again.

Haesu no longer cared what the weather outside looked like or how the world was moving around him.

Before falling asleep again, he thought about the face he had met that morning.

Yoon Jiwoo’s gentle features replayed through his mind dozens of times.

Bright. Warm. Lovely.

Haesu could even imagine the years Jiwoo must have spent being loved while Haesu himself slowly rotted away.

That thought made jealousy bloom inside him.

He had never been someone who wished unhappiness upon others just because he himself suffered, and yet he still felt inferior to Jiwoo’s happiness.

Then the hallucinations began again.

Somewhere, something crackled loudly as if burning.

Maybe this was the kind of sound a campfire made.

There was no smell of smoke, but where was the sound coming from…?

“Doyoon…?”

There was no way it could be Doyoon.

No matter how unstable he was, he still remembered ending the call just moments ago.

Blankly, Haesu stared at the ceiling.

Then he continued mumbling to himself.

“Doyoon. Something’s burning. I keep hearing something burn. Am I really going crazy…?”

Beyond his murmurs, the noise grew louder and louder.

As if someone kept feeding wood into a fire that had already consumed so much, determined to burn everything around it to ashes.