Chapter 5: The Price of Waiting

It had been days since he came home.

Since being discharged, he had never stayed inside the house for long.

Whether he sat on the sofa, stood at the bathroom sink, or opened the refrigerator, every memory that filled his mind was of Kwon Seha.

If that was the case, it was better to stay close to Seha’s hospital room.

The living room floor felt unfamiliar under his feet.

Opening the front door alone felt the same way.

The first thing he did was organize clothes.

It was something he had planned to do before going on a date with Seha, when he felt the weather getting colder.

When he stepped into the dressing room, it was filled not only with his own clothes but also Seha’s.

“There are really a lot of clothes….”

The first thing that caught his eye was the light yellow knit that Seha liked on him.

A memory flashed through his mind—Seha hugging him tightly after making him wear it, refusing to let go for a long time because it suited him so well.

This coat, that sweatshirt, even the white mittens Seha had once held onto while admiring them.

Everything reminded him of Seha.

Without realizing that his jaw had tightened from holding back tears, Haesu hurriedly moved his hands.

Then his gaze fell on the rack filled with Seha’s coats.

Absentmindedly, he took one and held it against his body.

The length reaching down to his ankles felt strangely unfamiliar.

“Our Seha was really tall.”

He slipped his arms into the neatly maintained coat.

At that moment, a familiar scent brushed past his nose.

It was the smell of fabric softener mixed with a perfume someone used to like.

He stood there like that for a long time.

Wearing clothes far too big for him, unable to take them off, yet not doing anything else either.

It was the first time in a long while that he had smelled Kwon Seha’s scent.

Three seasons had passed since he declared it a break.

He felt sorry for his agency and Director Yoon, with whom he had worked for a long time, but Haesu had stayed shut inside his house for nearly seven months without doing any work.

Occasionally, he spent long hours in Seha’s hospital room.

He visited the company building for the first time in a while because of the contract renewal that had been put on hold.

Haesu was widely known to be suffering from severe aftereffects of the accident.

There was no certainty whether this agency would continue to take care of him, or whether another agency would willingly step forward.

“Director, hello.”

“Oh, Haesu.”

“……”

“Do you even eat at all?”

Why are you so thin?

It was always the first thing people said when they saw him.

Chairman Kwon and Lee Doyoon, whom he met occasionally, said the same.

Even the nurses, now familiar with him, said it too.

Whether he was eating, whether he was in pain, whether he was sleeping well.

“I eat.”

“Doesn’t look like it.”

“I really do.”

He put on a smile in front of the worried face.

It was the best he could offer to those who cared about him.

He didn’t realize it only made him look more fragile.

As Haesu sat on the sofa, Director Yoon pulled out some documents.

He lowered his head to read them, but none of the words properly registered.

As he half-heartedly skimmed them, Director Yoon’s concerned voice pierced his ears.

“How is he? Still… unconscious?”

“Yes. I think so.”

“…I hope there’s good news.”

They had met several times since the accident.

The same questions and the same answers repeated each time.

No matter how many seasons passed.

That unchanging fact drained Haesu of all strength.

It had been almost a year.

Time moved quickly, and nothing waited for him.

Half of the wounds in his heart had begun to heal.

But the other half had festered, as if it had rotted.

Kwon Seha still hadn’t woken up.

Sometimes he wondered if keeping him alive among people who refused to give up was actually tormenting him.

“Come back to work, Haesu. There are still a lot of scripts coming in. If you just say yes…”

“Director.”

“…Haesu.”

“I can’t.”

“……”

“When Seha wakes up… I’ll just focus on that…”

Haesu couldn’t finish his sentence.

The office filled with nothing but a sigh.

Even though he knew, he had still asked.

There was no guarantee when Seha would wake up.

He knew this would hurt Haesu the most, but too much time had already passed.

Everyone thought the same.

It wasn’t just Director Yoon.

“It’s been a year, Haesu.”

“……”

“How long are you going to keep this up?”

If it were Choi Haesu, he might answer “forever.”

Director Yoon simply felt sorry for the young actor who had once been so active.

“Are you doing rehabilitation?”

“……”

“Choi Haesu, you…!”

“I just… can’t bring myself to do anything.”

When he first heard about Haesu’s condition, Director Yoon had been shocked.

The only hopeful thing was that it hadn’t been revealed to anyone yet.

It wasn’t obvious in daily life, and if he tried, he could keep hiding it.

So he could return without major damage to his image.

“No matter what I try to do, I keep thinking about Seha, who still hasn’t woken up.”

Every treatment has a golden time.

The doctor had said that if that time passed, recovery would become difficult.

But Haesu himself didn’t want it.

It was nothing short of neglecting himself.

“I’ll come see you again soon. I’m sorry.”

It was always the same ending to their conversations.

Haesu quietly closed the door and walked out.

Even when he passed a subway station, he didn’t stop.

He pressed down his cap with his thin hand so it wouldn’t slip off his face.

There was no way food would go down easily.

Watching Kwon Seha lying there, his whole body limp, was already painful enough.

And now even the remaining hope seemed to be disappearing bit by bit.

It felt like greed.

Maybe Seha didn’t want to wake up, but he, the chairman, and others were forcing him to live.

Maybe Seha was in so much pain that he wanted it all to end, and Haesu just didn’t understand.

If someone asked how a lover could not realize that, he might completely collapse.

Even so, there was nothing he could endure.

Where are you trying to go, leaving me behind, Seha?

He muttered, leaving behind only a faint trace of resentment in his heart.

Lost in thought, his steps had no destination.

Walking aimlessly had become a habit at some point.

So absorbed in his thoughts, he didn’t notice his phone vibrating.

By the time he realized, the call had already ended.

Doyoon’s name was on the screen.

“Ah…”

He had kept in regular contact with Doyoon.

Even before the accident, they met often, and after what happened to Seha, checking in on each other helped ease their anxiety.

In truth, Doyoon mostly wanted to check Haesu’s mental state.

“It’s Doyoon…”

Something felt different today.

Even though it was the same person, calling about the same matter, it felt different.

If he didn’t answer, if he didn’t call back, he felt like he might regret it forever.

With trembling hands, Haesu called him back.

Before the ringtone could even finish once, Doyoon picked up.

“H-hello…”

“Haesu. Where are you right now? Can you come outside?”

Doyoon’s voice was urgent.

Haesu’s head began to spin along with it.

“Why? Did something happen—”

Before he could finish, Doyoon called his name again.

Did Seha wake up?

Or had he left him forever?

But to Haesu, who had lived through hell all day, Doyoon spoke in a bright voice.

“Seha woke up. Come to the hospital room. You should see him.”

“Really… really… did Seha really wake up?”

“Yes. Come carefully. Watch where you’re going. Don’t bump into anything.”

Doyoon spoke playfully, probably to ease his tension.

Haesu ran toward the road like he was out of his mind.

He caught a taxi.

It was his first time since the accident.

He gave the hospital’s name and tried to steady his breathing.

The trembling wouldn’t stop.

He didn’t know if he was shaking because the speeding car scared him, or because Seha had woken up.

But even if he was afraid, he didn’t have time to get off and walk slowly.

He wanted to see Seha even a second sooner.

His breath kept catching in his throat, so he pulled off his mask and gripped it tightly in his hand.

After struggling to regulate his breathing, tears suddenly burst out.

The taxi driver looked startled.

It had been so long since he would meet Seha’s eyes again.

Arriving at the hospital, Haesu ran straight toward Seha’s room.

His legs kept trembling, causing him to stumble.

He only managed to steady himself when someone caught him.

It was Doyoon, who had been waiting in the lobby.

“Doyoon…”

“…Haesu.”

“Seha… Seha… Seha…”

Even while crying, Haesu hurriedly fixed his messy hair.

He worried about his wrinkled clothes from running.

He wanted to meet him looking presentable, to say he had been eating well, sleeping well, and waiting well.

Even this act of fixing himself felt like a lie.

At that moment, Doyoon grabbed his hand and lowered it.

Then he took a few steady breaths.

But Haesu had no patience even for that brief pause.

“Haesu, wait a moment.”

“Why? I need to go to Seha quickly…”

“Seha regained consciousness. He spoke. His awareness has been checked…”

“Then why…”

Doyoon, still holding his hand, didn’t move.

As if stopping Haesu from running straight to the room.

Nothing made sense.

If he delayed any longer, Haesu was ready to shake him off and run.

He wanted to see his face, to hold his hand until he was satisfied.

He had believed Seha would wake up, and he did.

Kwon Seha wasn’t someone who would leave him behind.

That’s what he believed.

“Seha is… different.”

“…What do you mean…?”

Doyoon’s tightly shut lips finally opened.

“He doesn’t respond to your name.”

“……”

“I think there’s a problem with his memory.”