Chapter 46: The Price of Loving

What should I do?

What am I supposed to do now?

I can’t be friends with Lee Doyoon anymore.

I kissed him.

I slept with him.

He loved me.

What had Doyoon been thinking through all of this…?

Would things have been different if I had loved Seha just a little less?

That wasn’t a question meant only for Choi Haesoo.

“Hic… mm… I… I don’t even know… what I just did… to you, Doyoon… ngh…”

The pain crushing his throat was guilt.

It had been born from treating another person’s heart as though it were something disposable.

By this age, he should have known how to accept a breakup instead of acting as though he would die because of it.

When the weather turns cold, people don’t simply throw themselves into someone else’s embrace.

They buy warmer clothes.

They drink something hot.

Or they walk…

No, they run home instead.

That’s what normal people do.

Even Doyoon’s regret should have belonged entirely to Haesoo.

Perhaps before they had ever truly loved each other, they had already become people capable only of hurting one another.

I told you not to give me to someone else, Seha.

We promised.

We were the ones who wronged Doyoon.

We were cruel.

That’s why we’ll have to apologize for the rest of our lives.

People like them could make even healthy hearts fall ill.

There was one more burden they had to carry.

“Ah… hic… mm…”

Doyoon slowly withdrew from the trembling body that continued sobbing uncontrollably.

He couldn’t simply stand by and watch Haesoo, who already looked as though there was nothing left inside him to destroy, continue tearing himself apart.

He caught the staggering man before he could fall and gently pulled him close by the back of his head.

Within the shelter of his arms alone, he allowed Haesoo to collapse completely.

Doyoon thought differently.

If someone had to regret crossing the line, then he wanted to carry that regret in Haesoo’s place.

“I’m sorry…”

“I’m sorry for loving you.”

“Hng… ah…!”

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

Perhaps Haesoo had offered him both his body and his closeness…

…precisely because he didn’t love him.

Even when it had felt as though tears might fall while they chased pleasure together, Haesoo had accepted even that without resistance.

Doyoon had come to understand what love looked like when even jealousy had been abandoned.

“Don’t cry.”

“I said I’d be the one to regret everything today.”

“What… what do you mean you’ll regret everything?”

“Why would you…!”

Perhaps Doyoon had hoped for something after all.

He pretended to be fine in front of everyone else.

Pretended nothing was wrong.

Yet all he had ever managed to do for Haesoo was speak to him gently.

It wasn’t as though he hadn’t known how stubborn Haesoo could be.

But he had never imagined Haesoo loved Kwon Seha that deeply.

Rather than being unable to imagine it…

He had simply chosen not to.

After all, enduring five long years beside someone wasn’t something only Haesoo had experienced.

Once the emotions he had forced down finally began spilling out, they refused to stop.

Even if Haesoo somehow managed to let go of Kwon Seha…

There would never be room for someone else.

There would never be room for Lee Doyoon.

He couldn’t bear the realization.

It was difficult to admit that the love Haesoo had poured into Kwon Seha far outweighed every lonely moment he had ever endured.

He refused to accept it.

That was why he had clung to someone who could never belong to anyone except Seha.

Like someone confessing before the altar, he had mixed their bodies together.

Not for a single moment had he been unaffected by what happened between him and Doyoon.

Not once.

Haesoo had never been able to show Doyoon even the smallest measure of mercy.

“Haesoo, come say hello.”

“…Hello.”

Watching Haesoo greet him with his gaze slightly turned away, Doyoon couldn’t help tilting his head.

The shy glances.

The awkward greeting.

He really did resemble a tiny kitten.

He seemed curious about everything, yet lacked the confidence to approach anyone first.

“You should look people in the eye when you greet them.”

“Haha.”

“That’s enough.”

“Hello, Haesoo.”

“…”

“I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“He’s cute.”

“But he’s a little mean.”

“He’s stubborn, and he’s incredibly shy.”

“He reminds me of Jerry, the kitten you raised for a little while when you were younger.”

That was how Kwon Seha had described Choi Haesoo.

Comparing someone to a beloved cat sounded strangely amusing.

Was that really the best comparison he could come up with?

Then again, Seha had always been unique.

Even so, because of those words, Doyoon had begun looking forward to meeting Haesoo long before they were ever introduced.

“I’m Lee Doyoon.”

“I’m Choi Haesoo.”

“Nice to meet you, Haesoo.”

“I hope we get along.”

Someone who resembles my cat…

That thought lingered in Doyoon’s mind.

Trying not to make it obvious, he quietly took several slow breaths while watching Haesoo.

Even the brief moments when Haesoo’s eyelids lowered enough to hide his eyes somehow caught his attention.

Looking back now, Doyoon could finally admit it.

The very first thing he had felt when the three of them met that day had been affection.

And happiness.

Haesoo was the kind of person who naturally drew attention without saying a single word.

“See?”

“I told you they looked alike.”

“…Yeah.”

“You remember Jerry, right?”

“The day he secretly climbed into my bag and followed me all the way home.”

“…”

“When I found him, I seriously thought his tail was going to burst from how tightly he’d squeezed himself inside.”

“Yeah…”

“That day…”

“I cried a lot.”

At the time, it had felt as though Kwon Seha had stolen someone precious away from him.

He had found the injured stray cat on the street.

Fed it.

Rushed it to an animal hospital.

Treated its wounds.

Eventually, he decided to keep it.

He even gave it a name.

Jerry.

After bathing it, the little white cat suited the name perfectly.

It was beautiful.

But it never stayed with Doyoon for very long.

The cat always felt as though it belonged to him while remaining completely independent.

He assumed that was simply how cats were.

But whenever he saw Jerry rubbing affectionately against Seha instead, jealousy overwhelmed his younger self until he cried.

He was the one who played with it every single day.

Yet the cat loved Seha enough to secretly crawl into his bag.

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh.”

“I was saying Haesoo looks just like the cat Doyoon used to have.”

Back then, Doyoon couldn’t understand it.

He even felt betrayed.

He resented the fluffy little creature.

He resented Seha too, simply because the cat loved him so unconditionally.

For a while, he even refused to let Seha come over to the house.

“That cat adored me.”

“Maybe creatures that look like that just naturally like me.”

Yeah…

Maybe that was true.

And maybe…

I was jealous of you.

Whether they were animals…

Or people…

Everything Doyoon loved somehow ended up loving Kwon Seha instead.

Only a few weeks later, Jerry disappeared.

He had already been an adult cat when Doyoon found him.

Perhaps living inside a house had never suited him.

Or perhaps exploring the outside world had simply been more exciting than playing with Doyoon.

Thinking that way made it easier to let him go.

Otherwise, Doyoon might have spent the rest of his life regretting never asking Seha to take Jerry in.

Even though he had never spoken with a cat before, believing that story brought him peace.

“Doyoon.”

“Doyoon.”

Haesoo’s voice drifted toward him from somewhere far away.

There was no one else who could sound both gentle and timid at the same time.

Come to think of it…

Had Haesoo ever called his name in such a bright, adorable voice?

Lying sideways on the bed, Doyoon frowned as he searched his memories.

“Doyoon.”

“Ah… yes.”

“What is it, Haesoo?”

Even though it was cold outside, Haesoo was wearing shorts.

He really made people worry.

For someone who got cold so easily, he wasn’t even shivering.

Doyoon answered almost automatically, but several things continued bothering him.

Haesoo always liked oversized clothes.

But this shirt was far too large.

It didn’t seem like his.

Looking at it more carefully…

It looked like Seha’s.

The oversized T-shirt covered nearly half of Haesoo’s thin arms.

“Doyoon.”

“I want to ask you something.”

“Will you answer honestly?”

“Hm?”

“Why so serious?”

“You can’t lie to me.”

“We’re friends.”

Compared to now, Haesoo’s expressions had changed much more freely back then.

Only then did Doyoon realize he was looking at nothing more than an old memory.

We used to be like this.

Back when neither of them carried despair.

Back when they simply looked forward to tomorrow together.

It must have been from then.

How many years ago had it been?

Because Haesoo’s vacation had been so short, they hadn’t traveled far.

Instead, they had stayed at the vacation house in Jaepyeong-ri.

A short walk led straight to the beach.

After driving through the quiet neighborhood, they arrived at the two-story vacation home registered under Lee Doyoon’s name.

“Of course…”

“I’m probably not as important to you as Seha is.”

“But we’re still friends…”

“That was a surprisingly hurtful thing to say.”

“You’re important to me too, Haesoo.”

When Haesoo looked around the house with sparkling eyes and said how wonderful it was, Doyoon nearly blurted out:

“Then have it.”

Just imagining the expressions Haesoo and Seha would have made if he’d actually said that sent a cold sweat down his back.

He would have looked completely insane.

Who offers their friend a vacation house when that friend already has a wealthy boyfriend?

They spent three quiet days there.

It had been fun.

Eating delicious food with an old friend and someone who had only recently become one.

Talking endlessly.

Laughing whenever birds or stray cats wandered onto neighboring terraces in search of light.

Sometimes they even shared pieces of mullet from their side dishes.

“Anyway…”

“Doyoon.”

“I just wanted to ask, in case…”

“Yes?”

“You don’t…”

“…like Seha, do you?”

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