Chapter 44: Remember My Name

Was Doyoon angry…?

If he was, then why?

Haesu couldn’t hold onto the thought for long.

Before he could find an answer, his body reacted first, overwhelmed by unfamiliar sensations.

As he struggled to steady himself, tears welled up almost as easily as his breath.

They weren’t tears of sadness.

Only when Haesu began crying did Doyoon stop what he was doing and look up at him.

“Don’t cry.”

“Hah… ngh…”

“When you cry…”

“I feel like crying too.”

So he wasn’t angry.

Was he sad instead?

Who had made Doyoon so sad?

…Was it him?

The questions never became words, but Doyoon seemed to read them anyway.

His eyes looked damp.

Even without tears, they carried a deep sorrow.

Haesu couldn’t shake the feeling that he was somehow the reason for it.

If he ever learned why, he wanted to apologize.

The room filled with the sound of uneven breathing and quiet movements.

Haesu looked at Doyoon with visible hesitation.

“I’m scared.”

“…What are you afraid of?”

“I’m scared of… letting you get this close.”

Doyoon didn’t ask whether Haesu feared the intimacy itself, or whether he feared crossing a line with someone who wasn’t Seha.

The truth was that he was afraid too.

Not because he felt guilty for not being Seha.

Simply because he didn’t want Haesu to be hurt.

He intertwined their fingers.

He waited for Haesu’s breathing to settle instead of urging him onward.

Slowly, carefully, he stayed close, watching every change in Haesu’s expression.

“Ah…”

“Haa…”

Haesu flinched at the unfamiliar sensation.

Doyoon immediately kissed him, trying to soothe rather than rush him.

For a moment, neither of them spoke.

Doyoon couldn’t tell whether Haesu was in pain or simply adjusting.

Then, with his eyes still shut, Haesu whispered his name.

“Doyoon…”

“…Please.”

His voice was barely audible.

Hearing his own name was enough to shake Doyoon’s resolve.

Haesu was clinging to him now.

Looking completely lost, yet still reaching for him.

“I’m sorry…”

“Did I hurt you?”

Without letting go, Doyoon held him a little closer.

Haesu’s breathing broke apart into uneven gasps.

His whole body trembled as he struggled to process everything he was feeling.

“Ah…”

His fingers instinctively gripped at himself, unable to understand why every nerve felt so sensitive.

Doyoon watched him with concern.

“You really are too sensitive…”

A low sigh escaped him.

“Hah… no…”

Every breath caught in Haesu’s throat.

His body felt strange.

The unfamiliar sensations reminded him of memories he had long tried to bury.

Pain.

Confusion.

And emotions he could no longer separate from one another.

“Ah…”

“Hng…”

The intensity rose again.

It came in waves, crashing over him until he felt as though he might fall apart.

His thoughts became increasingly difficult to organize.

Somewhere inside, memories overlapped with the present.

For a frightening moment, he wondered if he was beginning to confuse them.

“I think…”

“I’m going to lose myself…”

“It’s okay.”

“You can.”

Even as Doyoon comforted him, he couldn’t ignore the fear lingering inside his own heart.

No matter how close Haesu came to him…

there was always the possibility that someone else still occupied his thoughts.

Whenever their eyes met, however, Haesu seemed to return to the present.

His hands clutched tightly at the pillow while he looked at Doyoon with an expression that bordered on pleading.

Doyoon wanted to keep reminding him—

that he was here.

That it was him holding Haesu now.

“Ah…”

“I…”

“I feel like I’m going crazy…”

Their bodies remained close as neither of them found the strength to pull away.

Haesu’s fingers unconsciously caught Doyoon’s arm, holding on as though searching for reassurance.

The sight stirred something deep inside Doyoon.

The person someone else had once cherished…

was now in his arms.

For this one moment, Haesu wasn’t thinking about the past.

He was here.

With him.

The realization made Doyoon’s chest ache.

His emotions threatened to overwhelm him.

He wanted to protect Haesu.

He wanted to stay beside him.

He wanted this moment to remain, even knowing it couldn’t.

“Who am I?”

“Doyoon…”

“Doyoon…”

“That’s right.”

“It’s me.”

“Remember that.”

Without me…

I wish you couldn’t bear to live.

The selfish thought surfaced before Doyoon could stop it.

It was ugly.

Possessive.

Nothing like the patient, gentle man he wanted to be.

Yet it was honest.

Haesu’s strength gradually gave out.

His body relaxed against Doyoon’s.

“Please…”

“I’m scared…”

“I’m sorry.”

“I can’t stop.”

“I…”

“It feels so warm…”

As the moment reached its peak, Doyoon held him even more carefully.

“Haesu…”

“I think…”

“I’m going to lose control.”

“…Mm.”

“…It’s okay.”

Haesu answered through quiet sobs.

Even when Doyoon finally looked into his face again, Haesu wore the same dazed expression.

He had no idea how much weight those simple words carried.

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