Chapter 52: Letting Go

“You’re a bastard.”

“You’re right.”

“Kwon Seha… you’re a bastard.”

“…I was the one who said it first, but hearing it to my face still doesn’t feel great.”

“It’s strange.”

“Calling you a bastard actually makes me feel a little better.”

Since Seha had awakened…

This was the first time Haesoo had ever spoken with him so comfortably.

It was also the first time he had spoken like this to someone who had lost his memories.

Somehow, one simple word made laughter bubble out of him.

All the tension he always carried seemed to disappear.

At this point…

Even if Seha and everyone walking past mistook him for a lunatic, Haesoo wouldn’t have had anything to say in his defense.

He wasn’t laughing loudly.

It was only quiet little chuckles.

Yet he laughed until tears formed in the corners of his eyes.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen you laugh like that.”

Seha, who had quietly been watching him, finally spoke.

Contrary to Haesoo’s worries, Seha didn’t seem annoyed.

Nor did he think Haesoo was acting strangely.

Instead…

He simply stared.

As though he had discovered something fascinating.

“I never knew Choi Haesoo could smile like this.”

For Haesoo…

It had been a very long time since he’d laughed this way.

As long as Seha had been in front of him…

He hadn’t been able to.

Every meeting had filled him with despair.

Every heartbeat had carried more sadness than joy.

But now…

Being beside Seha was exactly what allowed him to smile.

All they had done was meet by chance and exchange a few words.

Yet somehow…

Haesoo felt alright again.

He wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes.

Then nodded awkwardly.

“I guess…”

“My expression really has been awful all this time.”

Would things have been different…

If I had smiled sooner?

It was a meaningless thought.

Still…

Since this might truly be the last time they met, he allowed himself to wonder.

“It wasn’t good.”

“…”

“It felt like I’d turned you into someone living like a corpse.”

“…I see.”

“I kept wishing you’d become happy as soon as possible.”

“But you never seemed to.”

“It was frustrating.”

Haesoo wanted to protest.

Yet…

Nothing came to mind.

He had spent his days sleeping.

Wandering.

Locking himself inside his apartment doing nothing.

Calling that a corpse almost sounded generous.

Then…

What does living actually look like?

For starters…

Haesoo decided he should probably learn what autumn even felt like.

Every year around early winter, he always caught a cold.

From now on…

No one would be there to take care of him.

So the first thing he needed was a proper wardrobe.

The thought wasn’t unpleasant.

It felt like finding answers one by one.

“I’m not lying when I say I’m sorry…”

“…for forgetting you.”

“…”

“I still feel sorry.”

He wasn’t planning to attend Seha’s wedding.

He had made a promise to Jiwoo.

Which meant…

There probably wouldn’t be another moment shared between him and Seha.

He had considered going.

Only briefly.

In the end…

He couldn’t bring himself to visit the place printed on the invitation.

He didn’t want to see Kwon Seha standing beside someone else on the happiest day of his life.

The coat was warm.

The deeper he wrapped himself in it, the stronger Seha’s familiar scent became.

For just a moment…

He almost let himself imagine impossible things again.

That wouldn’t be fair.

So he stopped looking at Seha with those helpless, lingering eyes.

He decided today’s meeting would remain exactly what it was.

A coincidence.

From now on…

Even coincidences would slowly disappear between them.

“Seha.”

For the first time…

Holding back the pathetic words that no longer meant anything wasn’t difficult.

Once you managed it once…

The next time became easier.

Smiling gently, Haesoo called his name.

He had regretted so much.

But…

At least he had been able to see Seha’s face one last time.

“…Did you just call me by my name?”

The unfamiliar way Haesoo addressed him was enough to surprise Seha.

Ever since they had reunited…

Haesoo had never once spoken to him casually.

Because Seha hadn’t wanted that.

He had seemed determined to keep their relationship formal and distant.

So Haesoo had accepted it.

Even though forcing himself not to say Seha… Seha… had been painfully difficult.

He had practiced over and over…

Just for the chance to call his name one more time.

But now…

None of that mattered anymore.

“Yeah…”

“Seha.”

Still smiling…

Haesoo repeated his name again.

“If possible…”

“Don’t remember.”

“Whatever happens in the future…”

“Just don’t remember.”

“…”

“Live happily with him.”

“Maybe it’s better that you’ve forgotten all the bad things.”

If only I could forget too…

Just like someone else had.

But Haesoo couldn’t.

Because that day…

He had simply stayed wrapped in Seha’s arms.

Perhaps that was why he would never forget.

“The reason I kept bothering you…”

“…was because I couldn’t give up on you.”

“I just…”

“…wanted to see you.”

It was painfully honest.

Embarrassingly so.

Yet…

Haesoo didn’t feel ashamed.

He still couldn’t believe those words had come from his own mouth.

“I’m sorry…”

“…for refusing to let go.”

If our positions were reversed…

You would’ve done exactly what I did.

The words rose all the way to his throat.

But he swallowed them.

If anything…

Kwon Seha would have been even worse.

Haesoo imagined Seha waking with no memories at all.

Then imagined himself forcing his way back into Seha’s life exactly as he had.

After enough confusion…

He felt certain Seha would have fallen in love with him all over again.

If I had been you…

We never would’ve broken up.

If even that couldn’t happen…

Then there was nothing anyone could do.

Just like now.

The only way I could ever be loved by you…

…was if I became you.

Whether Seha found himself speechless or not…

Haesoo simply smiled.

As though he no longer regretted reaching for something forever out of his grasp.

For the first time…

Watching Seha leave no longer frightened him.

He knew.

He knew Seha had looked at the broken version of him with disappointment.

A man unable to care for himself.

Someone drowning in the past.

Someone who had finally exhausted even the last bit of affection Seha still had.

“I won’t appear in front of you again.”

“I promise.”

“You can believe me.”

What would life look like…

Without remembering Kwon Seha?

He supposed…

He would only find out by living it.

“Should we get going?”

“Doyoon.”

“Doyoon.”

“…”

“Where did this kid disappear to?”

His ears heard every word.

Even so…

Lee Doyoon didn’t respond.

As though he had forgotten even his own name.

No matter how difficult it was…

He had to smile now.

Just for a little while…

He had to forget Haesoo.

Today, of all days, he couldn’t let the people in front of him see what was really going on.

He had even forgotten what today was.

There had simply been too much occupying his mind.

Pressing a hand against his forehead, Doyoon let out a long sigh.

It wasn’t until his father called that afternoon…

That he remembered.

Today was his mother’s birthday.

“You ungrateful brat.”

“How could my only son forget to even call your mother on her birthday?”

Faced with his father’s scolding…

Doyoon couldn’t answer.

Leaning against the smoking room wall, he squeezed his eyes shut against the pounding headache.

Everything inside him felt unbearable.

The guilt toward his mother.

The disappointment in himself.

How could he forget his own mother’s birthday?

After returning to his desk…

All he managed to do was stare blankly ahead.

“What should I get Mom?”

“You’ve been walking around looking like someone died because of that?”

Eventually…

Gyujin finally snapped.

“You’ve had everyone around you worried sick.”

“And that’s all it was?”

“Stop draining everyone’s energy.”

Only then did Doyoon lower his head and apologize quietly.

He still hadn’t managed to contact Haesoo by the time work ended.

He had prepared himself for that possibility.

Even so…

Living through it was different.

Is he home?

Or did he disappear somewhere again?

Whatever the answer…

Doyoon just hoped Haesoo had found somewhere peaceful.

If he kept thinking about him…

He felt as though he’d abandon everything.

Even ignoring his responsibilities to his own family.

Searching for Haesoo now somehow made him feel guilty too.

“…Hello.”

“This is Lee Doyoon.”

“Is now a good time to talk?”

Instead…

He called someone else.

They weren’t especially close.

But…

That person was probably the only one who would move immediately after hearing what Doyoon had to say.

His fingers felt heavy as they searched through his contacts.

Accepting that he himself had become the last person Haesoo needed…

Was painfully difficult.

“Doyoon.”

“Busy with work?”

“Why are you still staring at your phone even after you got home?”

He had been biting his fingernails after ending the call.

The moment he saw his mother stepping into the yard, he quietly hid his hand behind his back.

“Come on.”

“You shouldn’t upset your mother on her birthday too.”

“Hurry inside.”

“Dinner’s ready.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I couldn’t even help prepare anything.”

“Oh?”

“Why would I make my son do that after work?”

“The housekeeper prepared most of the steamed dishes and side dishes this afternoon.”

“She told me to make sure you ate plenty.”

Doyoon smiled naturally.

He laced his fingers together with his mother’s and walked back inside.

Passing through the spacious living room, they reached the dining table.

Before sitting down…

Doyoon stopped behind her.

Then quietly wrapped his arms around her.

Burying himself in the familiar warmth and comforting scent, he spoke from the heart.

“I’m sorry.”

“Happy birthday…”

“…Mom.”

His mother smiled so brightly that he could feel it without even seeing her face.

The warmth of her gentle son embraced her completely.

Any disappointment she might have felt after waiting all day for his call quietly melted away.

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