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“Doyoon! Are you okay?!”
It was the second day of that vacation.
For reasons known only to himself, Haesoo had imagined something absurd before asking Doyoon that terrifying question.
“W-What are you talking about all of a sudden…?”
“You’re saying something that could turn both our families upside down.”
“Your face is really red.”
“I can’t tell whether it’s because you were coughing… or because you’re embarrassed.”
“Obviously it’s because I was coughing!”
He could be so oblivious.
So unpredictable.
Yet somehow, he still carried the ridiculous confidence that half of his guesses were probably right.
“No, I was joking.”
“But you know something?”
“You have beautiful eyes, Doyoon.”
“…Where did that come from?”
He insisted it had been a joke.
But it obviously wasn’t.
The way he awkwardly avoided Doyoon’s gaze made that much clear.
That reckless side of Choi Haesoo had unknowingly stirred Doyoon’s heart.
His cuteness made Doyoon’s chest flutter.
At the same time, those innocent words left behind a lingering ache.
“Sometimes when I’m talking to Seha and accidentally make eye contact with you…”
“I think your eyes look just like the male lead in a drama.”
“…”
“So I started wondering.”
“I’ve gotten really comfortable around you, Doyoon.”
“But love triangles really aren’t my thing.”
Perhaps because he felt embarrassed, Haesoo spoke more than usual.
Watching him ramble like that was rare.
It seemed he had thought long and hard before asking that question.
For some reason, that realization left Doyoon feeling strangely empty.
Before his thoughts could become any more complicated, someone called out to Haesoo from nearby.
Seha never seemed willing to give Doyoon even a moment to linger on such feelings.
“Haesoo.”
“Can you come help me for a second?”
“I wish I had three hands.”
“I’m exactly one short.”
“Oh, I’m coming.”
“Anyway…”
“Sorry if that was a weird question.”
“It was just a joke, so forget about it.”
Perhaps because Kwon Seha had always lived a life where he could have anything he wanted, he rarely coveted what belonged to someone else.
Maybe that was why he never thought much about the cat.
Or about Choi Haesoo after he lost his memories.
He had never considered either of them his to begin with.
Only Doyoon watched everything with quiet anxiety.
Afraid that what little belonged to him would someday be taken away.
Afraid that what had never been his might disappear before he ever had the chance to hold onto it.
“Kwon Seha.”
“Two hands are enough.”
“You just called Haesoo over because you’re jealous I’m spending time with Doyoon.”
“Jealous?”
“I just wanted to see Haesoo.”
“You’d almost be likable if you didn’t say things like that.”
It felt as though the only emotion Doyoon would ever be allowed to feel toward Kwon Seha was inferiority.
His eyes gradually grew cold.
It frustrated him that nothing remained within reach, no matter how far he stretched out his hand.
Even happy memories no longer brought him happiness.
If he remembered correctly…
None of them had slept much that night.
Around two in the morning, Doyoon stepped onto the terrace to smoke.
The sweet scent of raspberry tobacco filled his nose before settling deep in his lungs.
Even after satisfying the craving, he remained there until half the cigarette pack was gone.
“Our Haesoo…”
“He has such pretty little lips.”
“But every now and then, he says the strangest things.”
“I mean…”
“People can misunderstand.”
“No.”
“Absolutely not.”
“If Choi Haesoo thinks something, you should assume he’s completely wrong.”
“Out of everyone in the world, he decided to pair me with Lee Doyoon?”
The voices of the people he loved drifted through the open window.
Their conversation carried all the way outside to where Doyoon stood.
Neither of them seemed to realize he was just beyond the terrace.
It wasn’t surprising.
They had wished each other good night nearly two hours earlier.
They were probably talking about what had happened that afternoon.
Doyoon remembered Haesoo’s adorable expression when he had become flustered before laughing at himself.
He had spoken so earnestly.
Hidden beneath those ridiculous questions had been a genuine worry.
If his imagination ever became reality…
Would his existence end up hurting Doyoon?
If only Haesoo knew how unbearably adorable that concern had been…
Even unintentionally, he could be incredibly cruel.
“Lee Doyoon…”
“I hate admitting it, but he’s a really good guy.”
“That’s just the way he naturally looks.”
“I bet there were a lot of lonely kids from elementary school all the way through high school who misunderstood him.”
“Someone that kind is bound to be misunderstood.”
Doyoon slowly raised a hand that had gone cold.
His fingers brushed across his forehead.
His eyelids.
The tip of his nose.
Finally, he covered his mouth.
He felt that if he didn’t…
His breathing might betray him.
“I already know Doyoon is a good person.”
“Unlike someone else, he doesn’t throw tantrums or play childish pranks.”
“So now I’m the one getting insulted.”
“How sad.”
Is this what they usually sound like together?
Is this the tone Haesoo uses only with Seha?
It sounded more relaxed.
More natural.
Doyoon had never heard Haesoo speak that way before.
He had always believed Haesoo carefully measured every word before speaking.
That he worried over each sentence long after saying it.
Those thoughts always showed plainly on his face.
But with Seha…
He sounded completely different.
Just like he did now.
“I think you’re pouting.”
“Kwon Seha is actually kind of cute.”
“Haesoo…”
“You’re embarrassing me.”
“Ah!”
“You’re stretching my clothes, Seha!”
“Won’t you let go?”
Despite the playful complaints and grumbling, anyone listening could hear how happy they were.
Even Haesoo’s short yelps were filled with joy.
Their laughter echoed pleasantly through the night.
Without realizing it, Doyoon smiled too.
Even so…
Something remained.
The emotions the night breeze couldn’t carry away lingered bitterly at the corners of his lips.
The cigarette had burned nearly to the filter without him taking another drag.
It trembled between his long fingers.
By the time the laughter finally faded, an entire cigarette had burned away unused.
“Kwon Seha.”
“Kiss me.”
“…If I do that…”
“I’ll want more afterward.”
“Then…”
“You’ll just have to take care of that yourself in the bathroom.”
“It’d be rude to come on a trip with Doyoon and still do something like that.”
“If you know that…”
“Take your hands off me.”
He didn’t want to hear any more.
He should have gone back inside.
Spent the rest of the night in his own room like they were.
But for some reason…
His feet refused to move.
Why?
What possible reason could there be?
Even while calling himself pathetic, Doyoon remained rooted to the spot.
“Our Haesoo doesn’t even feel embarrassed about seeing Doyoon tomorrow morning?”
“I do.”
“…”
“But I still want to kiss you.”
“It probably won’t carry all the way to Doyoon’s room, right?”
“He’s on the second floor.”
“…Unless Doyoon has really good hearing?”
That was what it meant to find someone lovable.
Their words.
Their breathing.
Their emotions.
Even though none of it was meant for him, Doyoon couldn’t stop wanting to hear the voice of the person in love.
Even if standing there only filled him with jealousy and envy…
His affection for Haesoo was stronger.
Far stronger.
“Ah… haha!”
“…You’re really trying to drive me crazy.”
“Will you stop laughing?”
“Fine.”
“If you want to kiss me that badly…”
“Then let’s kiss.”
A moment later…
They did.
Doyoon didn’t have to see it.
The constant chatter disappeared completely.
Silence settled over the room.
Within that silence, Doyoon heard himself swallow.
It sounded impossibly loud.
“Ha… Seha.”
“Ow…”
“Don’t bite me.”
“You’re mine.”
Doyoon opened his eyes.
His hand slowly curled into a fist.
At those two simple words, his jaw tightened.
So did his grip.
“Seriously!”
“What are you doing?!”
“I’m marking Choi Haesoo.”
The words landed like a heavy warning.
They pierced straight through everything festering inside Doyoon.
Everything filthy.
Everything he had buried.
It burst apart all at once.
Black.
Ugly.
Reeking.
The emotion finally had a name.
Hatred.
“Choi Haesoo is mine.”
“I’m not giving him to anyone.”
Even the bitter night wind seemed to scold Doyoon for daring to let his feelings grow this far.
Without reacting, he simply tapped his fingertips against the terrace railing.
He had been standing there for almost an hour.
His neck had grown stiff.
“Just…”
“So you know.”
Did Seha hear footsteps?
Or had he somehow sensed Doyoon’s presence with that uncanny intuition of his?
Impossible.
It couldn’t be.
Yet the thought made a bitter smile appear on Doyoon’s lips.
Not that he had ever intended to care what Seha thought anyway.
“Don’t give him away.”
“Never.”
“Not to anyone else.”
“…”
“If you do…”
“You’ll see me die.”
What tightened around Doyoon’s throat wasn’t Seha’s warning.
“Yeah.”
“Haesoo.”
“Look at me.”
“Can we kiss one more time?”
“Fine.”
“You think you’re the only impatient one?”
His cat.
And Choi Haesoo.
Whenever he realized they had never truly belonged to him, before selfishness itself even had the chance to take root…
Doyoon experienced a desperation he had never known before.
Click.
Click.
He flicked his lighter.
The tiny flame wavered weakly.
As though it could disappear at any second.
Before long…
It did.
Without leaving even a trace.
Beyond the extinguished flame lay the empty side of the bed.
Doyoon slowly opened his eyes.
Only then did he realize he had spent several long minutes lost in memories.
Other than the faint imprint left on the pillow…
There wasn’t a single trace that anyone had ever been there.
He finally sat upright and looked around the silent house.
No matter how quietly he listened…
Nothing changed.
He climbed out of bed.
“…Haesoo?”
He searched the other bedroom.
The living room.
The bathroom.
Haesoo wasn’t anywhere.
His breathing no longer filled Doyoon’s home.
His vacant gaze settled on the wide-open window.
A freezing wind strong enough to make his jaw tremble blew through the curtains and into the room.
For some reason…
He remembered the cat from years ago.
From this height, even if a person fell…
There would be no climbing back up.
And yet…
The only thing Doyoon could think about…
…was the cat he had once loved.
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