Chapter 33: The Shape of What Remained

When had you become this precious to me?

I endured for so long, never knowing how to give up, only to realize at the very end that all of it had become obsession.

Had love simply changed into something else?

I couldn’t let go of someone who had become my entire world in only two years.

We couldn’t break up because of Choi Hae-su.

Because of me.

Even though some relationships were never meant to continue.

The moment he finally released what he had been holding onto, its shape changed instantly.

The picture frame that had fallen to the floor had long since shattered with a dull crash.

Untouched for years, it looked worn and aged.

All this time, he had treated it like a lifeline.

That was why he had never dared touch it carelessly.

Even if Kwon Se-ha still remained beside him in memory, he no longer belonged to him.

Accepting that simple fact had consumed years of his life.

Breathing through tears was exhausting.

Yet his chest didn’t feel empty.

If anything, he felt relieved.

So this was what it felt like to let Kwon Se-ha go.

The realization came belatedly.

Of course it felt unfamiliar.

He had never done it before.

He left the photograph beneath the broken glass.

Made no attempt to pick it up.

After staring at it for a long time, he left the house.

He brushed away the image of Kwon Se-ha lingering at the corners of his eyes.

The memories that blocked his vision and hindered his steps—

He wanted to start treating them as something insignificant.

There had once been a time when a trivial argument made him realize that their relationship was anything but trivial.

It was back when Choi Hae-su was younger.

Louder.

A version of himself who had once decided they should break up.

That decision and the emotions behind it couldn’t have belonged to him alone.

What had the reason been again?

They had certainly lacked certainty.

Both of them had been terribly jealous.

Possessive.

Kwon Se-ha toward Hae-su.

Hae-su toward Se-ha.

Clinging.

Begging for love.

Those things had become ordinary parts of daily life.

Perhaps it was because neither of them had ever possessed the kind of ordinary family everyone else seemed to have.

When they first found love, they confessed unhealthy feelings dozens, hundreds of times.

What Hae-su remembered most was that the argument had started because of him.

There came a day when Se-ha finally reached his limit.

Hae-su was always preparing himself for a future breakup.

No matter how hard he tried to hide it, it showed.

“When we’re older.”

“When we’re thirty years older.”

“When our hair turns white.”

“When our skin wrinkles.”

Se-ha would speak endlessly about a vague future together.

And all Hae-su could ever manage was an awkward smile.

That was all.

Sometimes he remembered the way Se-ha would suddenly grow upset.

Frustrated.

Angry.

“Look at me, Hae-su.”

“……”

“Please.”

“We’re not fighting right now.”

“We’re just talking, aren’t we?”

In the end, that defensive attitude must have hurt Se-ha.

The things people lacked couldn’t simply be hidden.

And since Hae-su couldn’t imagine himself changing overnight, he wanted to give up on everything.

He wanted to break up.

But he couldn’t bring himself to say it outright.

So instead, he offered a pitiful compromise.

“Can you give me some time to think?”

“……”

“I feel like we’ll only end up saying hurtful things right now.”

Sometimes, while reading scripts for work, he would come across lines exactly like that.

He used to think there was no worse thing a lover could possibly say.

Remembering how he had once muttered, “That’s really awful,” with complete indifference, Hae-su couldn’t help letting out a quiet laugh.

It was entirely the wrong reaction.

The atmosphere only grew colder.

I’m awful.

Choi Hae-su is a terrible person.

The worst words had come from him.

And in an instant, he had put them in danger.

“I promise I won’t let your feelings get hurt.”

Without waiting for a response, he walked past Se-ha and left.

That was how they ended up taking time apart.

Or rather—

How Hae-su unilaterally forced a period of delay between them.

A day without Se-ha was lonely.

A week was even worse.

It hurt.

And Hae-su came to resent himself for believing he would come to his senses once he was alone.

By the time two weeks had passed, he had stopped leaving the house altogether.

Not that he spent that time sleeping.

Did we break up?

So this is what breaking up feels like.

Truthfully, it was his first time losing someone.

He didn’t know what to do.

Whenever he sat still, tears came.

When people spoke to him, he couldn’t process their words properly.

It wasn’t simply absentmindedness.

Sometimes his chest physically hurt.

Whenever he thought of Se-ha’s face.

His voice.

His smile.

His heart ached.

The next time he saw Se-ha was after four weeks.

Just shy of an entire month.

A single text message had arrived.

Can we meet for a moment?

Hae-su had run out of the house like a madman.

The message had arrived more than four hours earlier.

Before he could even feel refreshed from finally getting some sleep, he hated himself for having slept at all.

“Kwon Se-ha!”

“……”

“You idiot…”

Why are you still here?

How long have you been waiting?

Why is your face so red?

Where’s your car?

Why are you so stupid?

So stubborn?

There were countless things he wanted to say.

But the moment he saw Se-ha’s face, every single one disappeared.

“What were you thinking, waiting here?”

“Do you know how much longer you could’ve ended up staying?”

Before they met again, Hae-su had prepared himself.

Since delaying things wouldn’t solve anything.

When they saw each other again, he planned to tell Se-ha the truth.

Maybe they really were breaking up.

Maybe they should each find someone better.

He had rehearsed those words over and over.

But before he could say them—

Se-ha interrupted him.

“Do you remember what I told you the first time?”

“……”

“I said forever.”

“I definitely said forever.”

“You hurt me because you didn’t believe me.”

For a moment, he sounded like an abandoned puppy voicing its grievances.

Then he shook his head and glared through reddened eyes.

It was pitiful enough to break Hae-su’s heart.

He stared blankly at Se-ha, who was desperately trying not to cry.

Before Hae-su could say anything, before he could explain his decision—

He found himself comforting a fully grown man who looked ready to collapse onto the street.

Part of him felt angry.

Se-ha’s phone wasn’t turned off.

Days had already passed.

Couldn’t he at least have called before waiting around like this?

The fact that it was winter only made Hae-su’s irritation stronger.

There was a limit to how foolish someone could be.

Toward the end, he couldn’t even understand why he was trying this hard.

The criticism aimed at Se-ha vanished quickly.

What remained was self-mockery.

Why am I like this?

“Hae-su.”

“I love you.”

“……”

“I love you.”

“I love you so much…”

Honestly—

What was so special about Choi Hae-su?

“We’re breaking up?”

“Fine.”

“Maybe we can.”

“But…”

“……”

“I genuinely felt like I couldn’t keep living.”

Why not?

You lived perfectly well before you met me.

Hae-su wanted to ask.

What could possibly be so appealing about someone this cowardly and selfish?

Even now, he still couldn’t understand Se-ha’s taste.

Eventually, Hae-su told him that time would simply keep moving forward.

And within that flow, he would stop demanding certainty about their future together.

Se-ha had laughed as though there was nothing he could do about him.

Then he said something ridiculous.

That he would do better.

That he would still be handsome when they grew old.

That maybe Hae-su could keep loving him a little longer.

Even Hae-su ended up laughing.

Yes.

This was better.

This felt easier.

Like he could spend the rest of his body and soul loving Se-ha without regret.

“Go on.”

“Tell me.”

“The things you like talking about.”

“The stories about us when we’re old.”

“That’s the one thing I’m best at.”

“I kept thinking about it while we were apart.”

It became easier to ask questions once his heart felt lighter.

Se-ha looked absurdly pleased with himself.

He thought for a moment before breaking into a bright grin.

A smile impossible not to love.

No matter when he remembered it.

“Hae-su.”

“When we have time someday, should we get married?”

“What?”

“If we get married, let’s live by the ocean.”

“I’ll drive you to set every day.”

All the time they had spent drifting through the air had ultimately become time spent waiting.

And if Se-ha could make promises like that so confidently, perhaps Hae-su wanted to match him.

With love.

Looking at Se-ha laughing so proudly, shoulders squared with confidence, Hae-su wanted to tell him something too.

“If we have a child someday.”

“A child who looks like you and me.”

“Let’s make sure they’re the most loved person in the world.”

“Let’s give them everything we never had.”

“Let’s keep them wrapped safely in our arms.”

“Let’s live like that.”

In the end, all it meant was this:

I loved you too.

Just as much as you once loved me.

Now those words sounded ridiculous.

There was no longer any distinction between then and now.

There was no us.

Nothing remained.

Hae-su knew that.

He knew all of it.

The dramatic thoughts that Ji-woo’s place had originally belonged to him—

The kind of lines that belonged in a melodrama—

He no longer entertained them.

“Why the ocean?”

“I knew you’d ask that.”

“Hae-su, don’t tell me you still don’t know?”

Even so.

Even if he used every excuse available to him.

He had wanted to wait for Se-ha just a little longer.

There were still too many things left unsaid.

Because once, long ago, Se-ha had taken that difficult step backward and waited through endless uncertainty.

Hae-su had wanted to endure a little longer too.

Wanted to make Se-ha smile.

Somewhere along the way, he had convinced himself that their foolish waiting might one day become proof of their love.

It wasn’t because he wanted praise.

It wasn’t because he wanted to shout to the world about how deeply he had loved.

He simply wanted Se-ha to know.

That there had once been someone like this beside him.

Someone who loved him blindly.

Without conditions.

Because neither of them had grown up receiving that kind of love.

“Because you like it there, Hae-su.”

Now it no longer mattered.

But looking back, Hae-su thought Se-ha must have been freezing that day.

Waiting outside for him.

Standing in the cold wind.

Thinking countless thoughts.

How frightened must he have been?

How miserable?

How much must he have hated Hae-su?

Back then, Hae-su couldn’t bring himself to abandon something Se-ha had protected with such determination.

Back then.

That was all it was.

Now?

Now their relationship had already faded and broken apart long ago.

Thinking about these things felt pointless.

Still—

The reason he could never quite bring himself to hate Se-ha completely was because of all of it.

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