Chapter 49: A Life Unwanted, A Choice Undone

My memories of my biological parents are nothing but the worst.

Even before I began working as a child actor, my parents’ relationship was fraught with tension, primarily due to financial issues.

My mother constantly suffered from my father’s successive business failures, which caused our family’s fortunes to dwindle.

When the four of us lived together in a cramped, single room, I was forced to listen to their arguments daily.

Inevitably, my father would lose his temper and hurl objects, prompting my mother to scream back in defiance.

After a time, my father would storm out, leaving my sibling, my mother, and me in the chaotic aftermath of our ruined home.

After prolonged, silent weeping, my mother would raise her head and fix me with a terrifying glare. If I tried to avoid her eyes, my small shoulders hunched, she would rush to me and declare,

‘It’s all your fault. If only I hadn’t given birth to you, I wouldn’t be suffering like this!’

As a child, every time I heard my mother’s bitter accusations, I would simply cry and apologize profusely. It felt as though I was the root cause of all our misfortunes, leaving me perpetually burdened by guilt.

After I was serendipitously street-cast and debuted as a child actor, the money I earned finally allowed us to escape the cramped single room.

For a brief period then, I deluded myself into believing I was receiving genuine affection from my parents. This is why, even after discerning that my family only viewed me as a means to an end, I relentlessly pushed myself to earn money, sacrificing my own well-being.

‘I was so foolish.’

Having grown up in a visibly twisted and broken family, I harbored absolutely no desire for children of my own.

Even if I were to miraculously encounter a beloved partner someday, the idea of having children felt impossibly distant. How could someone as damaged as myself ever offer complete love?

Seon Woo-jung, however, was different. He had been born into a loving family, a healthy individual who had basked in the abundant affection of his parents.

Though he never explicitly stated it, perhaps to avoid burdening me, I couldn’t help but notice his fondness for children. Watching him playfully interact with a child actor on set, his affection was undeniable.

Thus, when I was utterly captivated by his love, for fleeting moments, I would forget my own circumstances. I would even dream of building a family with him, of having and raising children together.

Even if I felt incapable, I knew he could provide a child with unconditional love. Though it only happened once, I even secretly researched methods to conceive.

‘It was a foolish endeavor, in hindsight.’

When everything crumbled due to the sponsorship allegations, and my relationship with him dissolved because of my own crippling inferiority complex, I finally understood. I had been indulging in a dream far too extravagant for someone like me.

Yet, a lingering regret persisted: if only I hadn’t fallen apart, if we had remained together, perhaps we could have formed a family, cherishing each other through life.

The mere thought of building a home in a secluded place, raising a child who was half him and half me, was utterly beautiful and enchanting.

Now, however, it was nothing more than a past long gone.

‘I must stop thinking about it.’

For two days straight, I had been practically glued to my bed, my daily existence defined by an ever-deepening lethargy.

Lowering the hand I had habitually rested on my stomach, I released a long-held sigh. Tomorrow was the day I had scheduled with the doctor.

The day to decide whether to terminate the pregnancy.

Rationally, this was the correct path, yet my emotions were a tangled mess. Consequently, various thoughts relentlessly surfaced. As my despondency deepened, I found myself wanting only to remain inert, confined to my bed.

“Seo-jin, may I come in?”

My mother’s voice called to me from beyond the closed door. When I weakly uttered, “Yes,” the door promptly opened, and she stepped into the room, her face etched with profound worry for her son.

“You haven’t eaten lunch, have you?”

“…I have no appetite.”

“Even so, you must eat something. You barely touched your dinner last night, did you?”

She sat on the edge of the bed and gently brushed the hair from my forehead. Her tender touch rested upon me, yet it wasn’t meant for me. It was for Yoo Seo-jin.

I simply could not comprehend Yoo Seo-jin. He possessed everything I so desperately yearned for, yet his insatiable desire led him to ruin. His sheer foolishness now sparked a growing anger within me.

What on earth was Han Jung-woo, that he was so profoundly valuable as to utterly overturn Yoo Seo-jin’s entire life? And all this, despite the fact that Yoo Seo-jin had never truly loved Han Jung-woo.

“My son, are you crying?”

“…Huh?”

Only upon hearing my mother’s words did I realize I was weeping. Wiping away the tears tracing paths down my cheeks, I brazenly fabricated a lie, claiming dust had gotten into my eyes.

“If anything is troubling you, you must tell me, no matter when.”

Knowing I wouldn’t speak even if she pressed me, she ceased her questioning. Instead, she conveyed that she would patiently await the moment I was ready to share.

Instead of replying, I simply nodded, then hesitated before carefully embracing her. Though I knew this comfort wasn’t truly mine, at that moment, I desperately needed to lean on someone.

****

The following day, I departed from home precisely as the hospital opened its doors.

I made sure to pull my hat low and obscure my face with a mask, preparing for the possibility that my parents’ acquaintances might recognize me.

Since assuming Yoo Seo-jin’s identity, I had grown accustomed to moving about unrecognized, which was liberating. However, it felt peculiar, almost as if I had reverted to Yoo Joon-hee after a long absence.

‘No, I need to focus.’

Snapping myself out of my near-sentimental reverie, I retrieved the maternity handbook from my pocket. I had planned to discard it in a trash can far from home, but in the end, I tucked it back away.

‘I should return it to the hospital.’

Upon reflection, the maternity handbook contained my name and personal information. Therefore, it seemed more appropriate to return it to the hospital and request its proper disposal, rather than simply abandoning it.

Turning away from the trash can, I proceeded towards the hospital. The nurses at the reception desk hesitated, observing my heavily obscured face. I then lowered my mask to my chin, revealing myself.

“Ah, it’s Yoo Seo-jin, the expectant mother. I’ll assist you with registration.”

Only then did the nurses recognize me and proceed with the registration. As I turned to head back to the waiting area, I remembered the maternity handbook I hadn’t been able to discard earlier, and pulled it out.

“Could you please dispose of this for me?”

“Pardon?”

“I don’t believe I’ll need it any longer.”

Placing the maternity handbook on the reception desk, I took a seat in the waiting room. A moment later, my name flashed across the monitor beside the examination room. The sight felt like a summons to the gallows.

“Yoo Seo-jin, expectant mother, please enter the examination room.”

“Ah, yes.”

As I rose to enter the examination room, the ground beneath me seemed to sway. Though it was only a few steps, the path felt impossibly long.

‘This is the right choice, isn’t it?’

For days, I had succumbed to a listless sleep, and while awake, I was engulfed by an inexplicable sorrow. No matter how many times I reasoned, choosing reality was the logical course, yet I found myself repeatedly wavering.

Even now, I hesitated. My rational mind insisted that entering the examination room to terminate the pregnancy was the correct decision, yet my feet remained rooted to the floor, utterly unwilling to move.

“Yoo Seo-jin, expectant mother?”

When I still hadn’t appeared after a moment, the nurse called my name once more. Steeling my resolve, I finally stepped into the examination room.

The doctor I had seen three days prior greeted me with a kind smile. Clenching my trembling hands, I took a seat before her.

“Has your decision remained unchanged?”

“I….”

Despite having already made my decision, the word “Yes” proved difficult to utter. Observing my hesitation, the doctor leaned closer and gently took my hand.

“While your decision, Yoo Seo-jin, is paramount, I do wish to impart this: raising a child is undeniably challenging, yet I have never encountered anyone who regretted it.”

My own parents regretted my birth at every turn, but it seemed the individuals who sought help here were different. The doctor, squeezing my hand tighter as I managed a bitter smile, continued speaking.

“If you harbor even the slightest doubt, I would not advise you to terminate the pregnancy. For once that step is taken, there is no turning back.”

“…Will I regret it?”

“Only you, Yoo Seo-jin, will truly know.”

In that instant, my precarious resolve utterly crumbled. I couldn’t fathom why I was behaving this way. I had never desired a child, having always believed it would be simple enough to erase its existence.

“I’m sorry…”

My vision blurred, and tears began to stream down my face. Had this life not found its way to me in the first place, perhaps it would have been different. But now, with a life already taking root within me, I simply could not bring myself to erase it.

A day might well arrive when I regret this choice. Yet, this present decision felt preferable to a future where I could never forgive myself.

“I can’t do it.”