Chapter 91: A Plea to Stay

The profound despair weighing upon me showed no signs of abating, and I found myself adrift in an ocean of meaningless time. My eyes, blinking slowly, had long since lost their focus. Consequently, though I stared blankly into the void, nothing truly registered.

‘If I wanted to leave, I needed to move now.’

Despite this internal urging, my body, having seemingly melded with the sofa, remained utterly still. Only a single, languid finger managed a slight twitch, yet still, I remained rooted to the spot.

How much more time elapsed in that state? From within the room, a faint stirring signaled a presence. It seemed you had awakened.

Stumbling out, Seon Woo-jung paused abruptly upon noticing me on the sofa. His eyes, blinking slowly, seemed to be grappling with whether this moment was a dream or reality.

“I thought you had left…”

Muttering to himself, Seon Woo-jung forced a smile, striving to smooth the anguish from his features. It was a smile that spoke volumes of his struggle.

“Perhaps I should have?”

“If you had, I would have come after you immediately.”

Seon Woo-jung, having delivered a truth veiled as a jest, drew closer. As I raised my head to meet his now elevated gaze, he knelt, bringing himself even lower than I was seated.

He rested his cheek upon my neatly drawn-together thighs and exhaled a profound sigh. It was as if, only through this physical contact, he truly grasped that I hadn’t completely departed.

“Why didn’t you leave?”

“I intended to.”

My deep contemplation had simply allowed you to awaken, causing me to miss my chance to leave. Moreover, despite my mind knowing I ought to depart, my body had refused to move, compelling me to remain.

“But you didn’t, did you?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“…That’s all that matters.”

Seon Woo-jung closed his eyes and leaned his entire weight further into me. Then, taking my stiff, unmoving hand, he gently placed it atop his head.

It was an unspoken plea for a comforting caress.

Indeed, you had always cherished the feeling of my hand stroking your hair. I used to chuckle, remarking how you resembled a large dog, always nudging your head into my lap whenever the opportunity arose.

‘It truly is you.’

A pang reverberated through a corner of my heart, struck anew by the reality of his presence. Striving to quell the surge of emotions threatening to erupt, I gently moved my hand, complying with his silent request.

“Jung-ah,” I began, “I think you were right. If I had known you were Seon Woo-jung from the very start…”

“I would have left without a single glance back.”

Seon Woo-jung, completing my trailing sentence, lifted his head from where it had been resting. Our gazes locked, and we shared a painful, knowing smile.

“And now?”

“…”

“Now, you’ll stay, won’t you?”

Seon Woo-jung, still clutching my hand, posed the question. Though a smile still graced his lips, his flickering gaze held an infinite desperation. He was silently pleading with me not to leave.

“If Seon Woo-jung is too burdensome,” he offered, “I’ll become Han Jung-woo. I can continue living as Han Jung-woo by your side; you can think of me that way—”

His voice, attempting to maintain a facade of composure, quickly fractured. He pressed his trembling lips firmly against the back of my hand and whispered in a small voice, “—just please stay by my side.”

The duration of our time as lovers had been less than two years. Yet, the solitary years you endured after my departure stretched to three.

Initially, the pain must have been immense, but surely, that was enough time for memories to fade, for wounds to heal. Why couldn’t you achieve that?

‘What was someone like me, of all people, to you?’

Though I had suffered immensely, I had desperately tried to forget you. Ultimately, I even gave my heart to someone who wasn’t you—though, of course, that ‘someone’ was still you, in a twisted sense.

Witnessing your past struggles, and your present suffering, my guilt intensified exponentially. I despised myself for having attempted to find happiness while leaving you in such a state.

“Jung-ah, I—”

Perceiving the tremor in my voice, Seon Woo-jung abruptly rose, silencing my words with his lips. They brushed mine fleetingly before pulling away, trembling imperceptibly.

“I love you.”

“…”

“Hyung, I… I still love you.”

His fervent confession rendered me incapable of further thought. I could only hold him, silently weeping, and wish with all my being that he would no longer suffer because of me.

****

After nearly a month, we returned home together.

Throughout the journey, we exchanged no words, merely gazing out the window. Yet, our hands remained clasped, a silent affirmation of each other’s presence.

“We’ve arrived,” the secretary announced.

Seon Woo-jung, moving first at the cue, came to my side and opened the car door for me. The secretary, momentarily usurped of his duty, faltered and retreated a step.

“Be careful not to bump your head.”

It was merely the act of exiting the car, yet his eyes brimmed with concern. At this rate, he would soon be attempting to carry me everywhere, preventing me from even walking. Knowing him, such a feat felt entirely within his capabilities.

“Take my hand.”

“I can walk by myself.”

“I know your legs are perfectly fine, Hyung.”

Still, Seon Woo-jung extended his hand once more, insisting I take it. When I reluctantly clasped his fingers, he smiled beautifully, his eyes crinkling at the corners, as if this minor action held profound significance.

“Shall I carry you if you’re tired?”

“I’ve only walked three steps.”

“But—”

“Jung-ah, I can walk on my own.”

When I decisively cut off his persistent worries, Seon Woo-jung conceded with an obedient “I understand.” I risked a quick glance sideways, only to find him grinning foolishly, seemingly oblivious to having been rebuked.

“Hello, Director.”

“Welcome back, Director.”

The ladies waiting at the entrance welcomed Seon Woo-jung. He, who merely offered a light nod in lieu of a verbal greeting, then took my hand just as I slipped into my indoor shoes.

“Let’s rest a bit, shall we?”

“First, dinner—”

“That can wait.”

He gently tugged me forward, his eyes conveying an urgent plea to go upstairs. Reluctantly, I decided to postpone dinner and accede to Seon Woo-jung’s request, especially since he had only just returned after such a long absence.

The moment we ascended to the room, Seon Woo-jung locked the door and swiftly lifted me into his arms. He carefully set me down on the bed, then settled beside me, patting the duvet invitingly.

“Shall we sleep for a little while?”

“It’s still daytime, isn’t it?”

“Hmm, just for an hour.”

Indeed, he had confessed that ever since leaving home, he hadn’t been able to sleep properly without the aid of alcohol. It was likely the same situation yesterday.

Knowing better than anyone the hours he had spent inebriated, desperate to forget and to dull the relentless pain, I decided to grant his request.

Unlike me, who lay staring at the ceiling, Seon Woo-jung turned onto his side, his gaze fixed upon me. He then gently patted my chest, much like one would soothe a child.

After his slowly moving hand finally stilled, I glanced beside me to find him asleep. Carefully, so as not to disturb his stomach, I shifted to face him.

“Jung-ah…”

In a voice hushed to a mere whisper, I spoke his name. No reply came from him, deep in slumber, yet I continued to call out, a quiet mantra to ensure I wouldn’t forget that the person before me was truly him.

‘ “Hyung, I… I still love you.” ‘

I had yet to offer any response to his earnest confession. Each time I witnessed him pleading with me, a profound guilt overshadowed any burgeoning affection, rendering me incapable of reciprocating his words in such a state.

‘Who was I, truly? What was someone like me, to deserve such devotion?’

Quietly, I rose from the bed, leaving his side. He slept on, utterly oblivious, not even sensing my departure.

I made my way to the dressing room and retrieved the suitcase I had packed in advance. I had distinctly resolved to leave, meeting him one last time, yet now, I found my own heart an indecipherable maze.

Even knowing I was the one who had shattered him, I found myself endlessly wavering at his plea, ‘Please, stay by my side.’ Though I understood the shamelessness of it, I desperately wanted to grant his wish to ‘Please stay here.’

‘I don’t… want to leave.’

I was startled by the sound of my own confession, uttered without conscious thought. Though I swiftly raised a hand to cover my mouth, the deeply buried truth had already slipped free.

Only then did I truly understand: I had never wanted to leave in the first place.

But Jung Hee-soo had been an insurmountable obstacle, and I, a coward, had chosen to flee out of sheer fear. Now, however, I knew it was you.

‘You must have tried to make a different choice too.’

When Seon Woo-jung woke, we would begin the conversations we had long deferred. Unlike before, when we had both played roles for different people, now there was nothing left to hide between us.

Jung Hee-soo, too, must have had his reasons. I now trusted your words that you were nothing to each other. Since your love, then and now, had always been solely for me, I no longer wished to harbor any doubts.

‘For now, let’s just rest.’

I decided to leave the packed suitcase in the dressing room and exit, intending to rest beside him while he slept.

Without thinking, I opened the door, only to find a new wall had appeared. Raising my head, I saw that you had awakened and were watching me.

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