Chapter 18: The Weight of the Collar

‘To climb to the very top?’

My emotions were truly complicated as I gazed at the child’s earnest expression.

On one hand, I sensed something within her that I had never possessed myself.

On the other, I doubted how high a woman could truly ascend in this world.

After all, this was not my old world, but a different realm where hierarchy and status were strictly defined.

And besides…

How high was ‘high enough’ anyway?

What if I reached the summit?

Would I not fear the fall?

These were my honest thoughts, yet I couldn’t bring myself to voice them before this child.

Perhaps my feelings had become evident on my face, for Aisha suddenly wrapped her arm around my neck and declared loudly:

“Don’t worry, you little brat! Once I take down the Moon Island Lord, I’ll arrange the most relaxed, most lucrative position for you. That way, you won’t have to work so hard every day.”

Though Miss Aisha was usually boisterous and fiery, her voice now filled me with a sense of comfort, like that of a warm, understanding elder sister.

Truth be told, however, I felt that Aisha was perhaps a little too solicitous of me, even excessively so.

Even I, in my slowness, had noticed this by now.

Thus, I asked, somewhat bewildered:

“Why? I feel like you’re a bit…”

“Why so many questions?”

Aisha interrupted me directly, raising an eyebrow. She said, “We’re both outcasts right now, so what’s wrong with sticking together? Do you want me to go fawn over that Bena? I’d be begging on my knees then, wouldn’t I?”

Her words left me no room to retort. I sighed, secretly comforting myself that perhaps this truly was the reason.

“Sticking together? Hmm, I also think I should stick together with someone. It sounds good…”

I nodded slightly, indicating my agreement with her suggestion.

And…

“Then, since we’re sticking together, if there’s anything I don’t understand in the future, may I consult you, Miss Aisha?”

I tried to make my voice as sweet as possible.

I knew my voice was lovely now, and a little affectation would come across as playful charm, which should add some weight to my request.

Indeed, Aisha nodded with almost no hesitation.

“Of course you can, but let me warn you, don’t ask me strange, weird things. I’ll only teach you proper matters.”

‘Strange, weird things…’

“Uh…”

I found it hard to continue speaking.

I really couldn’t say it.

My cheeks even felt a little warm.

Fortunately, Aisha didn’t seem to notice my peculiarity. Instead, her interest was piqued by the collar around my neck.

“Speaking of which, are you really going to keep that thing around your neck forever?”

No, it wasn’t mere ‘interest’.

I saw that familiar flicker of anger subtly reappear on her face.

Subconsciously, I touched the object around my neck; it felt cold against my skin.

“Uh… I’ll wear it for now. Perhaps when we reach Moon Island, the Young Lady will help me take it off.”

“Can’t you take it off yourself? She can’t see you right now, anyway.”

Aisha’s tone seemed to carry a hint of ‘pity for her misfortune, anger at her inaction’.

“I…”

I pondered for a moment, my fingers hovering uncertainly over the opening of the collar.

Why wouldn’t I want to take it off?

This symbol of confinement, this trampling of my dignity, made even breathing feel humiliating.

But the words the Young Lady had spoken to me that night had left me utterly terrified ever since.

‘Lilian, this will be your name from now on.’

‘As a lowly maid, to receive a name bestowed by the Lord’s Young Lady, I think that’s truly fortunate.’

‘This collar… you must wear it well. Without my permission, you are not to take it off for even a moment.’

‘That’s right, you must wear it even when washing your face or sleeping, because that’s how the original Lilian was.’

‘Moreover, this collar is not just a gift from me; it’s a symbol of the bond between master and servant. With it on you, I’ll feel much more at ease.’

‘Ah… speaking of which, after putting the collar on you just now, I feel like you resemble the cute little female dog I used to raise even more~’

‘Ah—I miss her so much, I miss her so much, I miss her so much—’

‘Lilian, Lilian, it’s all your fault. Why does your appearance make me miss that child from before so much? Is it your scent? Hmm, it’s indeed as pleasing as that child’s…’

‘It’s so good that Father could buy you back… Hehe…’

‘One last time, you absolutely, absolutely, absolutely must not take off that collar~’

‘If I find out…’

A surge of extreme cold exploded in my heart, followed by a wave of fear that made my hand recoil as if electrocuted.

“No… I can’t…”

Even with my efforts to control it, my voice still sounded so despondent.

Aisha’s expression gradually turned cold, and she looked at me with profound incomprehension.

“Have you been kneeling for so long that your legs are stiff and you can’t stand up anymore?”

I shook my head, a rather numb shake, I suppose.

“I can’t…”

“You can’t… You—can’t?”

Her voice suddenly rose.

“Is it only you who can’t in this world? Ri—di—culous! Who the hell can do anything in this day and age!?”

“Do you think I was born shameless? Born a cheap woman, born a whore, born a slut? Born to enjoy sleeping with men, sucking them dry like a leech?”

“Do you know what kind of bullying my family and I suffered before? Do you know that I couldn’t even—”

She stopped abruptly. Aisha seemed to have accidentally touched upon a topic she disliked and didn’t want to continue.

But what was interesting was that I saw anger on her face again, a very familiar anger.

“Forget it, just wear that collar for the rest of your life. I bet even if I told you to take it off today, your soul would still carry another, larger, heavier, unremovable one.”

“You might as well kneel before those people forever, continue being Cassina’s little female dog, continue wagging your tail and begging. Maybe one day she’ll be in a good mood and won’t treat you like a dog, but help you up and treat you as a human.”

“Or perhaps Axas will take you back to the manor as a concubine because of your good performance in bed back then, allowing your child to inherit the Lord’s position!”

“See? Doesn’t thinking like that make you feel much better? Not so suppressed? Feeling like your future isn’t without hope?”

I stared blankly at Aisha, at the furious Aisha, unsure how to respond.

Perhaps my slowness added fuel to her anger, for Aisha suddenly slapped me hard across the face this time.

My vision blurred, and I instinctively covered my face, stumbling and falling to the ground.

I looked at Aisha in a daze, watching her grow increasingly furious, my mind a complete blank.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Why are you looking at me with such innocent eyes?”

Aisha grabbed my collar agitatedly, her voice filled with accusation.

“Do you think you’re innocent? A blameless victim with no fault of your own?”

‘Am I not?’

I thought subconsciously.

“Of course you’re not! You’re not harming anyone else, you’re harming yourself, you little brat!”

Fury burned in her eyes and brows, and the power of her cynicism poured out with her roar.

“You’re still so young, why have you become so numb and dull? Why get entangled with a bastard like Axas? Are you going astray and destroying yourself?”

“At your age, you shouldn’t be doing such things; you shouldn’t be repeating my past mistakes!”

“You shouldn’t be so despondent! You shouldn’t demean yourself! You shouldn’t compromise!”

“You shouldn’t give up on yourself, you shouldn’t be like this… shouldn’t… shouldn’t be…”

The power of her anger seemed to be extinguished by the clear tears in her eyes.

Her voice lost its earlier firmness, gradually weakening, until it dissolved into a distinct sob.

The strength in her hands also lessened, allowing me to easily break free from her grasp.

“You… shouldn’t be…”

Her vibrant lips trembled incessantly, mumbling, repeating the words ‘shouldn’t be’ over and over.

At this moment, I suddenly understood why she always looked so angry when she saw me.

Her wheat-colored eyes seemed to hold the power to transcend more than a decade of time.

So much so that when their owner looked at me, they helped her see her former self.

The helpless self…