Chapter 20: The Cruel Truth Beneath Kindness

“Hey, refugee. You idiot. Kwon Yiyul was playing with you. That bastard’s specialty is doing exactly that.”

“…What?”

“I’ll only say this once, so listen carefully. Kwon Yiyul. That guy’s hobby is charming people with that perfectly fine face of his, making them fall for him, and then throwing them away without hesitation. To him, other people’s feelings are nothing more than toys to play around with.”

“…D-Don’t lie. There’s no way Mr. Kwon Yiyul would do something like that.”

Kwon Yiyul had merely placed me in the palm of his hand and toyed with me however he pleased.

Park Suchang said he normally had no interest in interfering with matters between the two of us, but I looked so painfully foolish and stupid that he decided to warn me anyway.

He even shoved me forward, telling me to ask Kwon Yiyul personally if I wanted to know the details.

My legs gave out on the spot, and I barely managed to support myself by clutching the table.

“I don’t believe you. To begin with, there’s no guarantee that what you’re saying is completely true, and…”

“Want me to tell you honestly? About that hyung?”

“……”

“Good.”

When I reluctantly nodded at Park Suchang’s mocking tone, he immediately began spitting out harsh words one after another.

“That hyung is basically… a pretty piece of trash.”

“……”

“At first, everyone gets fooled by that impressive appearance of his, just like you did. But eventually they all realize it.”

“……”

“Has that hyung ever once gotten angry at you? Or shown you his nasty personality?”

Park Suchang deliberately kept his tone flat, trying to help me accept the truth.

Thinking back now, there had been no reason for him to treat me kindly at all, yet at the time, Park Suchang truly did.

As though he pitied me.

As though he genuinely felt sorry for me.

“I’ll ask again. Has that hyung ever once gotten angry at you? Or shown you his bad side?”

“…No.”

“Right. That’s the proof. That hyung’s personality is so fucked up that nobody in the center can compare to him. He’s a master at smiling while quietly getting under people’s skin.”

Even after completely turning a person’s emotions upside down, Park Suchang merely shrugged with a calm expression.

As though this was all he intended to do.

“…It’s a lie. It has to be a lie. You’re probably just making things up again to tease me and scare me.”

“What’s wrong, Yoon-ah?”

“…H-Hyung.”

“What happened while I was gone? Why’s your face this pale? Did Suchang pick a fight with you again?”

Kwon Yiyul, who had just returned from his family home, approached me gently as I collapsed to the floor unable to steady myself.

Leaning weakly against his chest, I forced myself upright.

The blood in my entire body turned ice cold, and cold sweat poured down my forehead like rain.

I felt like I needed to ask Kwon Yiyul directly as soon as possible whether everything I had just heard was true or not.

“Hyung, um… I just heard something really strange from Mr. Park Suchang.”

“What did you hear?”

“He said Mr. Kwon Yiyul—no, Yiyul hyung—plays with people however he likes and throws them away, and that I’m one of those people too. So I…”

As I stumbled over my words in confusion, Kwon Yiyul, who had been gently brushing the sweat from my forehead, suddenly stopped and let out a faint scoff.

The golden eyes staring down at me carried a vile emotion too ugly to describe.

Holding me tightly in his arms as though binding me there, he whispered quietly into my ear.

“Ha. That bastard Park Suchang. I’ve warned him countless times to watch his mouth, but he never listens to a single word I say.”

“…Y-Yiyul hyung?”

“Usually he doesn’t care whether I play with people or not, but suddenly he sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong. Wonder what got into him.”

My vision flashed white.

Like a lonely satellite drifting around a planet, I was violently cast aside by Kwon Yiyul as he mocked me like a complete stranger.

Unable to believe the situation surrounding me, I desperately demanded a clear answer from him again.

At that, he clicked his tongue with a slight frown.

“Hyung. Please just answer me. Was everything Mr. Park Suchang said true or not? Please, just say something…”

“Why?”

“…What?”

“So what if it is?”

Only after repeatedly asking myself whether the short sentence ringing in my ears was merely a hallucination could I finally look properly at Kwon Yiyul’s face.

He truly wore an expression as clear and cloudless as the sky while pressing his lips against the back of my neck.

“Did you just ask me whether you’re not allowed to play with me?”

“Yeah. Am I not allowed to?”

“…How can you even say that…”

That was the first time I learned there was nothing scarier than pure malice.

“Let go of me. Let go right now.”

“Where are you trying to go, Yoon-ah?”

“…Anywhere. I’ll go anywhere as long as I don’t have to see your face.”

As I fiercely resisted and desperately tried to pull myself from his embrace, the gentle smile on his lips hardened frighteningly fast.

But what truly terrified me was the quiet sentence that came out of his mouth next.

“…f*ck, seriously. Maybe this time I should break that bastard Park Suchang’s shoulder, or ruin his lips so badly he’ll never speak again.”

“…Mr. Kwon Yiyul.”

“Can you shut up for a second, Yoon-ah? I’m really pissed off right now. Or are you suddenly worried? Worried I might actually kill Suchang?”

“No. That’s not it. Why is the conversation suddenly turning in that direction?”

“Then why are you making that f*cking expression?”

Kwon Yiyul grabbed my cheeks harshly as though genuinely irritated.

As if blaming both Park Suchang for interfering and me for falling for his tricks, he drooped the corners of his eyes pitifully.

“You hated Suchang before. You always hid behind me because you didn’t even want him near you, so where did you get the nerve to say something like that?”

“……”

“Shouldn’t you be happy instead?”

“Listen here, Kwon Yiyul.”

The moment I opened my mouth as though to argue back, Kwon Yiyul suddenly kissed me.

He trapped me between the wall and his chest, forcing my mouth open.

Disgust churned violently inside me at the touch of his hands, yet I couldn’t easily push him away.

Didn’t I already say it?

I was a pathetic idiot who couldn’t even see his own future properly.

“…Hng, sob…”

“When you cry, you look f*cking pretty, Yoonie.”

I liked Kwon Yiyul.

I loved him.

In this harsh world, he was the first person who had ever shown me something that resembled genuine kindness, and I couldn’t survive without loving him.

I was intoxicated by him.

“You only need to care about me. Don’t think about anything else or keep anything else in mind. It’s not difficult, right?”

“…I hate it. I’d rather die.”

“Haha. Even if you say that now, you’ll end up doing exactly that.”

“……”

“You like me, Yoon-ah.”

And Kwon Yiyul thoroughly crushed those feelings of mine.

He trampled them so completely that they could never recover, never again hold even the slightest hope for him.

Then, smiling innocently, he said that weeds only became tougher the more you stepped on them.

“Keep acting stupid like that. Then at least I won’t throw you away as easily as I do everyone else.”

“……”

Back then, I wanted to die while drowning in Kwon Yiyul’s false kindness.

“I cherish you quite a lot, you know.”

There was a time when I wanted to become someone precious to another person too.

“…It seems you’ll need a bit more time to recover. Judging by how much nonsense you’re rambling.”

“Nonsense, huh…”

After that day, I deliberately avoided Kwon Yiyul.

Completely erasing the days when merely hearing his voice made my heart race and my face flush, I continued living at the center as nothing more than a guide assigned to the team.

It hurt more than death, but I couldn’t place that much value on my feelings just because I had gotten my heart broken.

I had nowhere to run from reality.

If I collapsed from heartbreak, who would provide all the subsidies?

Who would take responsibility for the people at the shelter?

“Well, judging from your expression right now, I think I hit the mark.”

No matter how much I agonized over it, I couldn’t find any proper solution other than sacrificing myself.

So I endured desperately.

I pushed aside my emotions and fixed my habit of relying on others.

No matter what happened, I handled every consequence alone.

Sometimes, when the people at the shelter sent me letters through the mail, I would lock myself in the bathroom clutching dozens of pages while crying uncontrollably.

The countless hopes and expectations written on those cheap sheets of paper drove me toward destruction while simultaneously giving me the will to keep living.

It may sound contradictory, but it was true.