Chapter 58: A Name for This Feeling

“So you hated it enough to run away, yet you still show up to work just fine? Guess Yiyul-hyung offered you quite a lot of money.”

“…Yeah, well. Since I’m suffering anyway, I figured I should at least get properly paid for it. Pride isn’t exactly going to change my circumstances.”

“Hah, now you’re not even denying it? You’re just openly acting like a greedy little opportunist now?”

“You treated me that way even when I didn’t act like one, so what difference does it make?”

When I shot back without backing down, Park Suchang stared at me with a look that practically screamed, What the hell is wrong with this guy?

Feeling like I’d genuinely get hit if I pushed further, I quickly muttered, “That was a slip of the tongue,” and turned my attention back to the computer screen.

Truthfully, there wasn’t much to do even if I came to the office.

I just checked the emails and messages periodically sent by the control room every couple of hours, then approved a few documents from the finance department.

The approval authority didn’t belong solely to me, but officially, the title of exclusive Guide for Attack Team 3 still carried considerable status inside the center.

Clunk—

“Hey, Han Jaeyoon. If you’re just going to waste time sitting around, come do some Guiding.”

“…You didn’t even return from a mission though. Is that really necessary?”

“It’s the aftereffects from last night’s support deployment to District 3’s relief zone, so shut up and do it. Siram’s not here either, which already has me in a shitty mood.”

“Understood. Then I’ll do that.”

Park Suchang let out a displeased sigh as he entered the Guiding room.

The impatient gesture he used to beckon me over was as rude as ever.

“Lie down over here first and just give me your hand.”

“You matched lips and bodies with Yiyul-hyung just fine, so why is it always hands with me? Does this also depend on your personal level of affection?”

“…That kiss was never mutually agreed upon, and we never ‘matched bodies’ in the first place. What exactly are you trying to imply this time?”

I looked at Park Suchang, who reclined lazily in the Guiding chair while taunting me.

He had never questioned this before.

Yet somehow he always had to pick a fight first thing in the morning.

“I just think you’re pretty pathetic. You’ve spent three whole years hopelessly in love with someone who treats you like a portable battery. And after all that effort escaping, you still got dragged right back by him.”

“If you’re trying to sympathize with me for once, you can stop. Besides, objectively speaking, there’s barely any difference between how Kwon Yiyul-ssi and you treat me.”

“What?”

“And while we’re at it, there’s something I want to make absolutely clear.”

Even I knew I was pushing too far.

When had I ever stopped trembling every time Park Suchang merely gestured at me?

Yet now, just as he deliberately tried to wound me, I was intentionally scraping against every nerve he had.

So this was stubbornness.

The stubbornness of someone standing right before death, refusing to get hurt any further.

There was a saying, wasn’t there?

That sometimes the best defense was offense.

That was exactly the state I was in now.

“I don’t like Kwon Yiyul anymore. Whatever else may be uncertain, that much I can guarantee.”

“…And you expect me to believe that?”

“Whether you believe it or not is your choice. My feelings for Kwon Yiyul don’t affect you in any way, yet you seem far too interested in them.”

“Hey, Han Jaeyoon.”

“I’ll manage my love life myself from now on, so just hand over your arm already.”

Before Park Suchang could even respond, I grabbed his hand myself and placed it onto the armrest.

Holding his rough palm full of calluses, I slowly focused my mind.

Park Suchang parted his lips like he still had something to say, but eventually gave up and steadied his roughened breathing instead.

Both Kwon Yiyul and Park Suchang — for people supposedly classified as elite S-rank Espers — let their emotions swing around far too wildly.

And every single time, it was because of me.

The same insignificant person they constantly called worthless.

“It’s done.”

“…Already?”

“This is just follow-up stabilization, so this should be enough.”

“Well, fair enough.”

Unexpectedly, the Guiding process wasn’t especially painful.

Probably thanks to the painkillers, aside from a faint dizziness creeping over me, my condition felt relatively normal.

Based on what Park Suchang said, he had already received Guiding from Choi Siram and still came to me afterward because his brainwave levels remained unstable.

Which meant the strain on my body was minimal.

High-ranking Guides could drastically lower the brainwave levels of Espers with equal or lower ranks through simple physical contact alone.

To put it simply, Choi Siram — acting like a vacuum cleaner — had already absorbed all the large debris beforehand.

All I was doing afterward was sweeping up the tiny remaining dust with a broom.

“Ah, right.”

I couldn’t decide whether to feel relieved that it didn’t hurt or disappointed that I’d missed another opportunity to hasten my death.

It was an absurd contradiction.

“Seokhwan-hyung’s been looking for you. He came back to the center, so you should at least show your face once.”

“…Where is Kim Seokhwan-ssi right now?”

“Probably the recovery ward. Kwon Yiyul, that crazy bastard, practically destroyed one of his eyes, so hyung’s been having a rough time.”

The title Park Suchang used for Kwon Yiyul shifted freely between “hyung” and “crazy bastard” depending entirely on his mood.

Hearing that Kim Seokhwan had spent the past month in intensive recovery treatment after my disappearance made my chest sink heavily again.

Just how furious had Kwon Yiyul been to damage someone’s eye to the brink of blindness?

It was only fortunate Kim Seokhwan was an Esper.

If he had been an ordinary civilian, Kwon Yiyul would have immediately been dragged before the council.

‘…I should apologize.

Probably.’

“Were you alright, Park Suchang-ssi?”

“…Are you seriously worried about me right now?”

“I’m only asking to prevent potential problems later, so just answer. You really weren’t hurt?”

The blue eyes glaring at me narrowed slowly.

Like someone deep in thought, he rubbed his chin before gradually leaning his face close to mine.

“What do I look like to you right now?”

“…Healthy.”

“Exactly. Then why ask? As you can see, I’m perfectly alive and walking around on both legs.”

Park Suchang looked not just healthy, but irritatingly healthy.

With an insolent tone, he told me that if I’d secretly hoped Kwon Yiyul beat him half to death too, I should give up on that expectation immediately.

I let his words pass through one ear and out the other.

As long as he wasn’t hurt, that was enough.

The thing I feared wasn’t his condition.

It was myself — the guilt I’d feel every time I saw his injuries.

“Well, that settles everything. I’m leaving.”

“Ah, wait…”

Park Suchang turned his back and started walking across the Guiding room toward the office exit.

Without realizing it, I grabbed the sleeve of his shirt tightly.

“While I was gone… how exactly was Kwon Yiyul’s condition? Besides Kim Seokhwan-ssi, did anyone else get hurt?”

“Why? If there were, are you planning to compensate them personally? Kwon Yiyul’s rich enough already. Even if you stay out of it, he’ll handle things himself, so why bother digging into this?”

“…It’s not really that. It’s just… basic human decency.”

“You’re asking because of that doctor, aren’t you? The doctor who got kicked out of the center because of you.”

At Park Suchang’s response — both a question and absolute certainty at the same time — I fell silent.

When it came to striking directly at the truth without leaving room for excuses, nobody seemed capable of beating him.

Despite appearances, perhaps he was more perceptive than expected.

His deep blue eyes didn’t seem impatient.

If anything, they looked willing to wait quietly for my answer.

“There wasn’t anyone else.”

“…What?”

“I said there wasn’t. Besides Seokhwan-hyung and that doctor, he didn’t directly touch anyone else.”

“Ah…”

“What do you mean ‘ah’? You know Kwon Yiyul’s personality better than anyone. Did you really think that snake would create a whole pile of problems that could come back to bite him later?”

True.

Given Kwon Yiyul’s personality, he wouldn’t have harmed people unrelated to the situation.

He was like a giant predator.

As long as nobody provoked him first, he rarely went out of his way to attack.

“…Right.

That makes sense.”

“Yeah, so can you let go now? I’ve got somewhere to be.”

Park Suchang’s gaze slowly lowered.

More specifically, toward the sleeve of his shirt still clenched tightly in my hand.

Flinch—

“…Sorry.”

Startled, I hurriedly released the fabric.

I had been gripping it so tightly that wrinkles now creased the neatly ironed white sleeve.

“Did you commit some unforgivable crime or something?”

“No, that’s not it. I just… unconsciously…”

“It’s fine. I was planning to stop by my quarters and change clothes anyway, so this actually works out.”

“But still…”

“Ah, I said it’s fine. If you’re going to keep standing there looking like a kicked mutt, then get out of my sight already. You’re annoying to look at.”

Park Suchang shoved my forehead irritably before brushing past me and stepping into the elevator.

As a physical-enhancement Esper, he probably considered it a light push.

Yet even so, a vivid red mark bloomed across my forehead instantly.

“…The recovery ward, right.”

The moment I confirmed Kim Seokhwan’s location, my heart started pounding unpleasantly in my chest.

“I should hurry.”

I decided to call this suffocating feeling by its proper name.

Guilt.

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