Chapter 55: The Decision to Die

“……”

“Ah, right. Since he got fired from his position as a center doctor, I guess calling him ‘Doctor’ isn’t accurate anymore.”

“…W-what do you mean he was fired from the center? What… what are you talking about?”

Kim Kyungwoon had been dismissed from his position at the center.

It was no different from when Kwon Yiyul had ruined Kim Seokhwan’s eye before.

“I was pretty angry, you know. You said he was the only person at the center you were somewhat close with, right? So I figured maybe I could get something out of him and went to see him. But Seokhwan and that doctor alike… even when I threatened them right up to the brink of death, neither of them budged. Tough bastards, seriously. Makes me wonder what exactly you are to them.”

“…Why… why would you…?”

“Why else? They refused to open their mouths even if it killed them.”

For a moment, Kwon Yiyul looked so calm that I wondered if I had hallucinated the entire conversation.

“Surprised again? Our Yoonie doesn’t even have the guts to survive, so how did you end up causing all this? I’m genuinely curious.”

“…Ah… ah…”

“But what can you do? The doctor really was kicked out of the center. That’s not a joke.”

The foolish belief that Kwon Yiyul — who had always seemed cruel and monstrous — might have once come to save me like a savior, ignited something inside me.

‘When I was young, I had a little sister. She was born much later than me, so there was a big age gap between us. She adored me and followed me everywhere. But about twenty years ago, she was shot and killed by a rebel soldier.’

“Well, he probably regrets it too. Throwing away the result of over a decade of hard work just for helping one person like you.”

Did Kwon Yiyul even know?

Did he know what kind of resolve Kim Kyungwoon had carried when he decided to become a doctor?

How he endured endless discrimination and contempt while clinging to those painful memories in his heart?

‘That was probably when I first decided I wanted to become a doctor.’

He had survived day by day in a tiny, cramped room barely large enough to live in, eating instant food while treating dozens of patients daily, yet still studying to become a specialist in the little spare time he had.

Because he couldn’t afford proper treatment for his younger sister and lost her because of it, he spent his entire life chained to guilt.

And the one thing that had given his life meaning was being a doctor.

But now, even that final remaining hope had been stolen away so pointlessly.

Just because he tried to help me — someone from the same district as him — he sacrificed the dream he had devoted his entire life to achieving.

No matter how skilled Kim Kyungwoon was, no matter how many patients sought him out, no one at the center would dare oppose an order from someone as absolute as Kwon Yiyul just to keep him there.

And knowing Kim Kyungwoon’s personality, he would probably leave on his own anyway, unwilling to drag others into trouble because of him.

“Why… why would you do that? Why do you keep doing such horrible things to innocent people?! I’m the one at fault! This is all my fault!”

I couldn’t see straight anymore.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hold it in.

Why did he insist on pushing people already standing at the edge of a cliff straight into the freezing sea?

All I wanted was to try living normally for once.

At the very least, I wanted the right to choose how I would die.

I just wanted room to breathe.

But the price for tasting even a fleeting moment of freedom was far too severe.

I swear, if I had known all of this would happen the moment I decided to escape, I would have chosen to break my own wings instead.

I would never have even dared think about running away.

I would have obediently continued guiding until the day I died, just as they wanted.

Obedient.

Again and again.

Grip—

“Ah—!”

“…Why do you keep making me repeat myself, Yoon-ah? You know I hate repeating myself. So why did you run away?”

As I cried hysterically and lashed out in front of him, Kwon Yiyul snarled and grabbed my hair violently.

Pain shot through my scalp like it was being torn apart, and a groan escaped me, but I never once looked away from him.

One tear.

Then another.

They dripped from my bloodshot eyes.

“If you had just stayed quiet like always, none of this would’ve happened. Do you still not understand? You brought all of this on yourself. Isn’t it ridiculous that someone like you blames the very person who saved both you and your shelter people? Hm?”

I wanted to kill him.

I wanted to rip apart his very existence and erase him from my life completely.

It wasn’t just disgust anymore.

I was exhausted.

Exhausted by the way he hurt everyone around me without hesitation.

Exhausted by his completely unpredictable behavior.

Exhausted by everything about Kwon Yiyul.

And now even the people from the shelter had ended up trapped in his grasp.

At that point, it became painfully clear that there was no escaping him unless I died.

Right.

Death.

‘The medical laws of the Medical Center are strictly managed by the National Security Bureau, so no one except the attending physician and the patient themselves can access personal charts or examination records.’

“Ah…”

‘Jaeyoon’s case is unusual enough that it needs to be reported to upper management, but even then, a doctor can delay officially registering the chart records using their authority. Up to three months, in fact. So you don’t need to worry about that.’

A chill ran sharply down my spine.

The delay of chart registration.

Up until now, judging by Kwon Yiyul’s words, he clearly hadn’t learned anything from Kim Kyungwoon.

He got nothing despite all his efforts, so in a fit of rage he fired him on the spot.

And even then, Kim Kyungwoon never flinched once.

‘Whenever I want, I can renew the contract in five-year increments without even needing the director’s approval.’

That’s right.

Kwon Yiyul didn’t know about my illness.

He didn’t know I was dying.

If he had known, he would never have talked about renewing the contract every five years.

I only had about a year left to live at most.

Five years from now, I would already be dead.

“Ah, I got worked up again. Sorry. Every time I look at your face, I get overwhelmed. Even I can tell it’s not normal.”

“……”

“As for Doctor Kim Kyungwoon, I’ll prepare compensation appropriate for the situation so you won’t be inconvenienced. So don’t bring it up again.”

“……”

“Since you’ve already agreed to return, there’s no reason for us to keep fighting each other, right?”

Ah.

I never thought the fact that I was going to die could feel this welcome.

Ever since receiving my terminal diagnosis, this was the first time death had felt comforting.

No.

It felt like happiness.

If I died, then everything would finally end.

I would never again be dragged back into Kwon Yiyul’s hands, or the hands of the other team members.

I wouldn’t have to anxiously watch their moods anymore.

I wouldn’t have to endure the painful guiding process anymore.

I wouldn’t have to watch the people around me suffer violence.

I wouldn’t have to live burdened by guilt toward the shelter residents until it destroyed my stomach.

I honestly felt like crying.

“There’s still some time before we get back to the center, so get some sleep.”

At the tail end of that cold winter, I decided to die.

“Come to think of it… how exactly did you find me? There shouldn’t have been anyone near the shelter, and the village was pretty far away from it too.”

As we entered the skies above District 1’s relief zone, a snowstorm battered the aircraft hard enough to shake it violently.

I stared absentmindedly at the dark sky, where storm clouds swirled together like paint carelessly mixed on a canvas, before cautiously asking Kwon Yiyul the question.

Normally, I wouldn’t have even dared meet his eyes.

But something about this felt suspicious enough that I forced myself to ask.

“Who knows. Guess you could call it luck. I’d been going around that area constantly looking for you, and sure enough, those idiots just happened to be setting the mountain on fire. Apparently they wanted to sit back and watch the hostages they captured run from the flames.”

“…That was stupid.”

“Yeah. Stupid.”

It was so absurd I almost laughed.

At the same time, it left a filthy feeling in my chest, as though I had witnessed the ugliest depths humanity could reach.

Still, despite the seemingly straightforward answer, my doubts didn’t disappear.

As an Esper affiliated with the center — whose main duty was civilian protection — Kwon Yiyul claiming he couldn’t ignore arsonists certainly sounded believable.

But considering his personality, something like a wildfire should have meant absolutely nothing to him.

“…So that’s your answer?”

“What do you mean?”

Kwon Yiyul wasn’t a righteous person.

He didn’t hold a high-ranking position at the center out of some noble sense of duty.

Nor did he tirelessly protect civilians because he possessed some admirable spirit of sacrifice.

High-ranking Espers like Kwon Yiyul experienced dramatic rises in brainwave instability not only when they overused their powers, but also when they failed to use them enough.

Too much unspent power accumulated inside their bodies.

That was why the center existed.

The center provided them with places to release their abilities, while supplying them with Guides — beings practically equivalent to lifelines — in exchange for binding the Espers’ powers to the state and military.

That was also the exact reason Kwon Yiyul remained at the center.

To freely use his abilities without restriction.

Or perhaps to prevent anyone from interfering with his power in the first place.

In a sense, he willingly chained himself there.

Someone like Kim Seokhwan, who inherited his family’s military ideology and voluntarily joined the center out of conviction, was actually the rare case.

“I mean how you found me. Did you really just happen to find me by coincidence?”

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