Chapter 33: One Week Before the End

“N-Narcotic painkillers?”

“Yes. There’s about a week’s worth, so it won’t last long, but it should serve as a temporary measure. In your current condition, ordinary painkillers definitely won’t work at all.”

Looking at the small white pills resting in my hand, I was reminded once more just how serious my condition truly was.

Even regular medication couldn’t be prescribed freely without proper documentation, yet Kim Kyungwoon calmly handed me painkillers classified as narcotics for medical use.

No — perhaps “calm” wasn’t the right word.

It felt more like resignation.

“…Thank you.”

“But only for one week. After that, even as a doctor, there’ll be no way for me to secretly obtain more medication for you. And when that happens, there’s a higher chance you’ll die from shock caused by the pain than from your body simply weakening.”

Honestly, the reason I asked for time wasn’t anything special.

I just wanted time to think.

There were already too many things to consider — the complicated procedures, reporting my condition to upper management, getting workplace injury compensation approved by the finance department.

I didn’t want to add the team members’ vicious criticism on top of all that.

If that happened, I really might lose my mind.

“…So I just need to give you an answer within a week. And there really is no way to treat this illness.”

“…If you decide you’re ready to prepare for either a transfer or resignation, I’ll do my best to make sure all the paperwork is handled smoothly.”

“…….”

“I’m truly sorry I couldn’t be of more help.”

I thought Kim Kyungwoon’s apology was unfair.

If anything, he deserved gratitude instead.

Not only was he protecting my secret, but he was also prepared to shoulder the consequences alone if any of this was exposed.

At least in this situation, he wasn’t the one who should’ve been apologizing to me.

Assault Team 3.

I quietly repeated the name of the team I had belonged to for nearly three years.

I still vividly remembered how happy I had been at finally having something like comrades.

But now, three years after filling my head with naive dreams, I was slowly dying beneath their arrogance and selfishness.

They — and their abilities — were shamelessly stealing my life away like parasites sucking sap from tree roots.

“…You don’t need to apologize, doctor. None of this is your fault.”

“Jaeyoon-ssi.”

“…Could I stay alone for a while? Maybe because the medicine’s working, I don’t hurt as much anymore, and my breathing’s stable now. Just for a little while. Please. There’s a lot I need to think about.”

If I said I felt wronged, then I felt wronged.

If I said I was dumbfounded, then I was dumbfounded.

Even at the moment I stood before death, my life was still being measured, cut apart, and decided entirely by others.

Rejected.

Ignored.

Trampled on.

Maybe if I had only ever been trampled from the start, without dreams or hope, it wouldn’t feel this hopeless.

Why now of all times?

Why only now?

“If you feel uncomfortable or you’re in pain, press the call button beside you. I’ll come immediately.”

“You must be exhausted too. Go somewhere and get some rest. You’re suffering this late at night because of me.”

“…This is my job. A doctor should care for sick patients. Where else would I go? Once my night shift ends, I’ll head back to the dormitory and rest anyway, so don’t worry about me. Just focus on yourself for now, Jaeyoon-ssi.”

Even as Kim Kyungwoon reluctantly walked away, he kept turning back repeatedly to check on me.

He clearly didn’t want to leave, but he also couldn’t ignore his patient’s request.

He must’ve felt frustrated too.

“Ha….”

My sigh disappeared beneath the steady beeping of the machines.

The rage boiling inside my chest finally erupted, pouring through me like molten lava.

Maybe I had already cried out every tear I possessed, because even when I rubbed my swollen eyes, no moisture came away.

“This really isn’t fair….”

Was I dying because my dreams weren’t as ordinary as everyone else’s?

Because my wishes weren’t grand or ambitious?

Not every event in life happens for some grand reason, but this was too cruel.

“Unfortunate” wasn’t enough to describe it.

It felt as though, when God created someone like me, He had gathered together every scrap of misfortune He refused to give others and dumped it all into one life.

There had never been a single peaceful day in mine.

‘…Then specifically, how much time do I have left?’

‘At most, about a year. At minimum, maybe half a year.’

“One year….”

I thought I was going insane.

What drove me crazy was the fact that my life — which had never even properly experienced happiness — would disappear like foam on water because I wasted it dealing with people like them.

Even as I approached death, I still couldn’t think solely about myself.

That reality was miserable enough to make me want to die.

Even if I abandoned the contract and returned to the shelter immediately, I doubted whether someone who was basically terminally ill could survive in such a harsh environment.

According to Kim Kyungwoon, narcotic painkillers gradually lost effectiveness the more often they were taken, while also dulling cognitive ability and, in severe cases, even causing memory deterioration.

There was no caretaker beside me every hour of the day.

In an environment where it was difficult enough just to take care of myself, I worried that instead of finding peace, I would simply die painfully all over again.

Chirp chirp—

When I looked out the window to cool my overloaded mind, dawn had already broken and warm sunlight was spilling across the city.

Like clouds draped across mountain ridges, fog lingered between the tall buildings, shielding the eyes of people still wishing for a little more sleep.

As the newborn light reached into the hospital room and warmly wrapped around my shoulders, the promise I made not to cry shattered instantly, and tears streamed down again.

“…Ah, ah… ugh….”

I felt like I would die from fear.

No matter how hard I tried to calmly accept the sudden approach of death, its weight was too overwhelming.

It suffocated me.

I didn’t want to be forgotten by the world.

“…Hng, hngh….”

At the same time, if I was going to be forgotten anyway, if I was destined to die anyway, then at the very least I wanted to choose the place where I died myself.

I wanted one choice untouched by anyone else’s interference.

To greet the morning like ordinary people.

To exchange ordinary conversations like ordinary people.

And likewise, to face death like ordinary people.

I thought that was the final kindness I could offer myself after struggling so hard to stay alive all this time.

“Ugh… sob….”

Only after burying myself under the blankets and crying for a long time was I finally able to collapse into sleep like someone fainting.

Once born into this world, no living thing can escape death forever.

In a way, perhaps humans are not truly living, but dying little by little.

And in reality, it is undeniable that we grow closer to death with every passing year.

“Hoo….”

So if someone asked me what it felt like to know death was near, I would probably answer: I’m not sure.

Because even when death is suddenly declared right in front of you, reality itself doesn’t really change.

People don’t stop feeling hunger simply because they’re dying.

People don’t completely lose the will to live simply because death awaits them.

You still eat meals like always.

You wash your body clean like always.

Sometimes you simply stare blankly into empty space.

“I wonder if it’ll arrive safely.”

This morning, I sent a letter to the people at the shelter.

I wrote that I would probably be returning earlier than expected, and filled the pages with exaggerated promises about bringing back souvenirs and useful things for everyone to look forward to.

Even if I could tell no one else, I didn’t want the people at the shelter learning about my illness.

Since I had already decided to spend the rest of my life peacefully, I hoped that at least from now on, only happy things would fill their days.

“Jaeyoon-ssi, you got here first?”

“Ah, you’re here.”

Now three days after being sentenced to death, I had arranged to have lunch with Kim Sugyeom.

I had no idea how he got my number, but he contacted the direct line of the department where I was currently staying.

Since my transfer schedule had already been finalized and everyone was busy preparing documents, today was apparently the only available time left.

“Did you wait long? Someone from another department suddenly begged me to print out some paperwork, so I got delayed a little. Sorry about that.”

“No, I just arrived myself.”

Maybe Kim Seokhwan’s influence really had worked, because all the necessary paperwork had already been completed.

The only remaining issue was how much compensation I would receive for workplace injury coverage, but apparently I didn’t need to worry too much.

Except now, it was no longer a transfer.

It was resignation.

That decision was based on Kim Kyungwoon’s opinion that even working within another department of the Center would still be too dangerous for my body.

“You got the notification that your transfer date was finalized, right? Ah, no. I guess now I should call it a resignation instead.”

“Yes. Thanks to you, I’ve been preparing everything little by little. Thank you.”

“It’s nothing. I barely did anything besides stamping some papers and making a few phone calls. But I heard you recently asked the management department whether workplace injury compensation was possible. Are you sick somewhere, Jaeyoon-ssi?”

“…I was just asking in case. It’s really nothing serious, so don’t worry about it.”

“If you say so….”

Since the cause of my illness was clear, they said receiving workplace injury compensation wouldn’t be difficult.

And if upper management approved things internally, I could leave the Center immediately without even completing the remaining months on my contract.

I planned to submit my medical statement to the Center management department on the day my ship route back to the shelter was finalized.

The shelter was located in a conflict zone between District 3’s Relief Special Zone and District 4’s Relief Special Zone.

Because it was an area governed under military agreements, entering it wasn’t easy.

According to the broker I contacted, unless the Center specifically granted authorization, the only way into the conflict zone was by ship through the waterways.

“So, Jaeyoon-ssi, what would you like to eat? Today’s on me.”