Kangeun got up and got off the bus.
It was time for all the shops at the entrance of the alley leading to her house to close.
Kangeun deliberately went home a little late to match this time.
After Siheon left, Kangeun would leave the house before people came out onto the streets.
Then she would return home when everyone was resting at home.
There was only one reason.
She was still labeled as ‘the murderer’s daughter’, ‘the arsonist’s daughter’, and ‘the unlucky girl’, so she tried to avoid people’s eyes as much as possible.
“I’m home.”
Kangeun, who had glanced at her father pretending to be asleep, sighed and aired out the big room.
A few days ago, Kangeun had a big fight with her father.
It was something that had ended with her getting angry by herself because she had become particularly sharp lately, but anyway, that’s what had happened.
“Can’t you stop drinking? What is all this because of alcohol!”
“Yeah… I should quit drinking, at least for our Kangeun’s sake.”
“What do you mean quit when you can’t even pronounce your words correctly! How long are you going to be like this! How long!”
“Our Kangeun is having a hard time…”
“So! Did you think I wouldn’t be having a hard time? I’m having a hard time! It’s hard! I don’t even want to come home!”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m a bad father.”
Kangeun had never been like that before, but Seongho didn’t seem surprised.
He just looked up at Kangeun with his red eyes, begged, and smiled bitterly.
Her father couldn’t let go of the alcohol that day either.
Still, he seemed to remember, because he started to be mindful of Kangeun from that day on.
When he was awake, he would avoid her eyes as much as possible and mostly pretend to be asleep.
The man, who couldn’t even control his body due to the lingering effects of alcohol all day long, would hover around the kitchen, trying to help with something, and had broken several plates while Kangeun was away.
In fact, it was Kangeun who was surprised after getting angry.
She didn’t know why everything had suddenly become so bothersome when she had endured it so well until now.
Her father, who was wary of her, bothered her, and she wanted to go home even less.
“I’ll be late from now on.”
“Aren’t you staying out too late… The world is a dangerous place…”
“Don’t even think about coming to meet me. It’s not good to run into people.”
“Yeah… Then Kangeun-ah, get some soju on your way back.”
“…”
“…I’ll drink it sparingly.”
Recently, it seemed even going out was difficult for him, as he had started to ask Kangeun to buy him alcohol.
It was absurd, but in the end, Kangeun had agreed to his request.
There was only one reason why she came home every day with the loathsome alcohol.
It was because she knew that her father, when not drunk, would cry bitterly all night.
She had come to know all too well how hard it was to cry all night.
“But I don’t see Siheon around…”
“…”
“Tell him he doesn’t have to avoid me…”
Kangeun, who had taken the dinner table her father had eaten from and covered, headed to the kitchen.
The corners of her eyes inevitably turned red as she washed and tidied the dishes she had poured water into so that the rice wouldn’t stick.
It must have been a long time since Siheon had been seen.
Her father didn’t seem to have any idea that Siheon had left this house.
Kangeun held back her tears and began to prepare tomorrow’s breakfast.
Since she had started leaving at dawn and coming home late in the evening, Kangeun had asked for her father’s understanding.
It was a request to prepare a generous meal before leaving the house and to give it to him just once, but to please eat it all.
Her father, who would repeatedly wake up and fall asleep drunk, would usually wake up late in the afternoon and eat only one meal a day.
It was a decision she had made because there were countless days when she had to clear away the untouched table, but her heart was not at ease.
“Don’t worry about me and just do your thing, Kangeun. Dad is fine.”
“…Wash up and shave today.”
Her father, who was comforting Kangeun with slurred speech, smiled.
But Kangeun didn’t smile back.
She didn’t hide the sigh that had escaped her at the sight of her father, who was now covered in a beard.
And that night, Kangeun, who had come home late and was airing out the smell of alcohol, saw her father sleeping with a scab on his chin.
It must not have been easy to shave with hands trembling from alcohol.
Besides, the only razor in the house was the one Siheon had left behind.
Kangeun had put a band-aid on her father’s chin, who must have used the one she couldn’t bring herself to throw away.
What was so special about that?
Her father hadn’t even taken off the band-aid, which had become dirty and black after more than a week, but had even fixed it in place with tape he had found somewhere.
Kangeun, who couldn’t stand to see it, had changed the band-aid and put on a new one, and her father had smiled as if he liked it.
“It didn’t hurt when I put this on.”
“…Don’t get hurt.”
The wound was healing slowly and he didn’t need to wear a band-aid anymore, but her father wouldn’t take it off.
So Kangeun also put a new band-aid on her sleeping father’s chin.
She could at least play along with her father’s strange stubbornness.
Kangeun, who had finished preparing breakfast, washed up and came out.
Before going to her room, she checked the big room and saw her father sleeping curled up.
“Good night, Dad.”
Kangeun, who had covered him with a blanket and come out, stood in front of her room.
She squeezed her eyes shut in front of the closed door, took a deep breath, and opened it.
After Siheon left, she was afraid to enter this space.
It was because it was painful to have to fully accept Siheon’s absence.
But even so, Kangeun stayed in that room.
It was painful and at the same time happy to face the traces Siheon had left behind.
As soon as she entered the room, Kangeun spread out the table she had shared with Siheon and started studying.
Then, she stood up, rubbing her shoulders, only after midnight.
Her hands were familiar as she spread out her bedding and drew the curtain.
Kangeun still slept with the curtain drawn.
She didn’t take down the curtain just because Siheon was gone.
Every time she went to sleep, she would draw the curtain as she had before and fall asleep with her hand extended beyond it.
Clutching the light pink necklace box that Siheon had given her as a birthday present in her empty hand.
She thought it was a foolish act, but it didn’t matter since no one would laugh at her.
“Hmm…”
Kangeun, who had lain down, tossed and turned.
Then she started to touch her neck and fiddle with the necklace.
It had become a habit in that time.
As she slowly blinked her eyes, she became accustomed to the darkness.
While waiting for sleep to come, Kangeun began to say the words she had wanted to say all day.
“You said you’d call every day.”
“You said you’d come and sleep over on the weekends.”
“You’re bad.
You’ve completely forgotten about me?”
“…Is something wrong?
Siheon-ah, you’re okay, right?”
Kangeun, who had even uttered a question that would never be answered, stood up and let out a chuckle.
She wasn’t even drunk, but she was acting like a drunk person.
In the end, Kangeun, who had turned on the light again, opened the closet.
What she took out was a notebook-sized box.
It was a box where she had collected the things Siheon had given her for her birthday every year.
A smile spread across Kangeun’s lips as she looked at the cards and letters Siheon had written when he was young.
The double cherry blossoms he had picked for her one spring day were well-dried and stored in a small bottle.
She also took out the book, coin purse, keychain, and small doll that Siheon had given her, touched them one by one, and put them down.
The pen she had kept because it was too precious to use was from two years ago, and the rabbit sculpture he had carved from wood himself was from last year.
Kangeun, who was carefully rubbing the smooth surface of the sculpture, found a stiff piece of paper at the very bottom of the box.
At first, she thought it was the bottom of the box.
But her heart pounded at the word ‘Noona’ written in the corner of the paper, a date close to before
Siheon left, and the two letters of the name ‘Siheon’ written below it.
“…”
Tears quickly filled Kangeun’s eyes as she flipped over the paper.
The person meticulously drawn in pencil was Kangeun, sleeping on her desk.
It seemed as if the sunlight of that afternoon had been captured in her slightly disheveled hair.
It must have been a weekend last winter when she had studied with Siheon.
When she said she was a little sleepy, Siheon had told her to lie down and sleep, and Kangeun had said she would just close her eyes for a moment and laid her head on the table.
“Finish all the problems in the workbook you have to solve today.
I’ll check later.”
“I already finished that a while ago.”
“You’re already done?”
“Yeah.”
“…Then keep doing what you were doing.
Don’t slack off just because I’m sleeping.”
“Slack off, what?”
“…I guess.
There’s nothing to slack off on.”
Siheon was not the type of kid to take advantage of his studying noona sleeping and slack off like other kids.
Slacking off would probably just mean reading a book for a while.
Unlike his peers, Siheon didn’t usually fiddle with his phone, so there was really nothing to slack off on.
That day, it seemed Siheon had been slacking off behind her back.
Her eyes grew hot at the thought of Siheon taking out a piece of paper and drawing her as she slept.
She desperately missed that gaze that was directed only at her, the Siheon who had smiled only at her.
In the end, she burst into tears again.
It was a cry that continued every night without fail.
“I’m not doing well.”
Kangeun mumbled a complaint mixed with a whimper and organized the box.
The tears didn’t stop even as she put away all the things she had taken out so fondly and closed the lid.
“I’m holding on.”
She didn’t know she was so weak.
She didn’t know how she had managed to stay alone for days on end at that young age when her
father was away working in the provinces.
The reason she had quit all her private tutoring sessions and was working at an academy in the bustling downtown area was the same.
When she walked on quiet streets, deep thoughts would follow her.
It felt like Siheon would be waiting for her in every alley she walked alone after her tutoring sessions.
It felt like he would lead her, saying they should see the cherry blossoms before going home.
It felt like he would place a flower petal on her ear and smile, saying she was pretty.
Kangeun found that painful and agonizing.
It was even more painful because she didn’t know how much more she had to hurt.
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