Chapter 27: The Beginning of Wanting You

Perhaps because she had returned to Korea after such a long time, Kangeun found herself retracing her steps in her dreams—back to the day she left Korea, and further back, traversing the cold memories of that spring and the winter that preceded it.

It was the most painful and difficult season for her. And at the end of that season,

[Don’t forget. Never forget! Noona, you must not forget me. Live! Just stay alive!]

She remembered Siheon shouting with all his might. That was the last time. Since then, she hadn’t heard a single scrap of news about him.

“…….”

Kangeun rubbed her wet eyes and checked outside the window. The pitch-black sky was still raining.

“Are you doing well……?”

Even though she knew there would be no answer, she asked aloud, a wish born from the hope that he was living well.

Kangeun often thought of Siheon when she looked at Jihwan, a colleague three years her junior.

He had traveled to Italy immediately after finishing his military service in Korea and had ended up getting a job there, completely captivated by Italian coffee.

It was only natural that Siheon would come to mind whenever she heard Jihwan talk about this or that.

‘Did Siheon go to the military, too? I hope it passed without being too hard for him. I hope there’s no one bullying him.’

‘Does he have a girlfriend? He must be counting down the days to his leave. Has he already been discharged? Is he still painting? What major did he choose?’

She hoped he was living an ordinary, happy life in his twenties while thinking such thoughts.

She felt uneasy whenever she remembered how pale Siheon’s face had been when he came to find her that last time.

Thinking of the strange man who spoke of surgery and Siheon’s face, twisted as he broke out in a cold sweat, made her feel endlessly anxious.

“No. Siheon is fine. He must be fine.”

Kangeun stood up to shake off the dark anxiety that had engulfed her once again.

She boiled some water, poured it into a cup, and held it in her hands, repeating to herself, “It’s okay”, “It’s okay”. 

It was a habit she performed whenever she thought of him.

She believed he was doing well somewhere.

Even though she didn’t know what kind of illness he had had that last time, she believed that since he had surgery, he must have finished his treatment and regained his health by now.

She believed he was living a busy life, doing what he wanted to do while receiving generous support. It was because she felt like she would die if she didn’t believe at least that much.

[Live, no matter what. Because I will find you.]

[I will find you. I will come to you, Noona. So that we won’t have to part like this again, so that you never have to cry again. I will make sure of it.]

Her hands tingled again at the thought of his large hand, holding hers firmly with such desperate eyes. Siheon had been trembling then, but his voice had been clear.

“Because Siheon is not a child who says empty words. So…….”

Kangeun, who had been muttering it’s okay, it’s okay again, took a sip of the warm water.

She pressed down on her chilled fingertips, picturing Siheon—now twenty-seven years old and surely grown into a fine man.

Before leaving Korea, Kangeun had tried not to think about why Siheon didn’t contact her. There must be a reason.

He must have his own circumstances. It must be hard to adapt to a new environment. 

Even while checking her phone every morning and watching the front gate at every sound of the wind, Kangeun had comforted herself.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the world didn’t leave Kangeun alone.

Misfortunes continued to find her, and at the end of that misery, Kangeun had no choice but to leave Korea as if fleeing.

But she had never forgotten Siheon.

She had lived to keep the promise to meet again.

She had gritted her teeth and tried to become stronger.

She lived busier than anyone else, giving herself no time to collapse.

In the meantime, time flew by, and Kangeun slowly became dulled to her own sorrow.

However, even while living as if she had forgotten, there were times when she would suddenly go blank and cry.

There were days when she had to face mottled anxiety, no matter how much she hypnotized herself that it was okay. Like today.

“……You must be doing well.”

Kangeun fingered the necklace around her neck and prayed.

At some point, the resignation that Siheon was intentionally not looking for her had grown within her.

Because he didn’t want to be entangled with a wretched person like her, because he didn’t want to be close to someone who brought misfortune.

Yes. I’d rather it be that. Please, let nothing happen to that child. A smile spread across her lips as she thought that perhaps he had forgotten her because he was living so well, spending every day of his twenties in joy.

If that were truly the case, it would be a relief.

Kangeun nodded, fingering the necklace she had never once taken off her body.

The desire for Siheon’s happiness—even if it meant he had forgotten her—was greater than the sadness of being forgotten.

****

Siheon stood under the pouring water in the shower booth, wiping his wet face and bowing his head. What flickered in his eyes, filled with yearning, was the image of Kangeun he had seen in his dream just moments ago.

He had felt as if he were floating the entire time he was coming to Seoul after finishing his business trip in Busan.

Caught up in tension, excitement, and anticipation, he couldn’t get a handle on anything. He hadn’t even been able to swallow water properly since the morning.

He had processed non-urgent work, taken out a book to read, and eventually gone to bed earlier than usual. After tossing and turning several times, he had finally fallen asleep with difficulty, only to wake up shortly after.

“Huu…….”

Without revealing it, holding his breath as if he didn’t exist.

Without crying, without wishing for anything, obeying orders quietly and calmly. Obediently.

That was the way the young him survived. He ate without making a sound and walked hunched over so as not to catch the eye of Miryeong, his biological mother who would leave him to fend for himself after giving birth to him. He knew that depending on Miryeong’s mood, the neglect could turn into violence.

Then one day, Miryeong, who had shoved Siheon into a motel room with a loaf of bread and left the house empty for nearly a week, returned.

With a very good mood, she hummed a tune and took a bag out of an old wardrobe.

[Yoon Siheon, pack your things.]

[…….]

[Why are you just standing there looking? Did you not hear me tell you to pack? We’re not coming back here, so pack everything without missing anything. If you leave something behind, it’s your fault. I’m not coming back to get it, so pack well.]

Siheon boarded a train following Miryeong. After getting off at Seoul Station, he ran frantically holding the bag with his things, terrified she might abandon him.

Caught and buffeted among the busy crowds, the small Siheon dropped the bag he was holding several times, until finally, Miryeong’s pace—clutching her own suitcase—stopped.

[Try smiling.]

[…….]

[More. Make it look prettier.]

When he raised the corners of his lips with all his might, a satisfied Miryeong stroked his hair as if doing him a favor.

[We’re going to live in this house starting today, and when you go inside, there’s a really pretty Noona. Her name is Kangeun.]

[…….]

[If you want to be fed, make sure you look good to that Noona. Do you understand?]

Miryeong entered the yellow gate without even waiting for an answer. In the place where he hurried to follow her with his bag, Siheon met…

[I’m Go Kangeun. You can call me Noona.]

[You said your name was Siyeon, right? Siyeon-ah, did you have lunch?]

[Do you want Noona to make you a fried egg?]

He met Kangeun. Siyeon or Siheon—the name Miryeong had given him didn’t matter.

Watching Kangeun smile gently and greet him, the young Siheon instinctively realized. That she would be the one to keep him alive.

He liked the warmth in Kangeun’s eyes when she looked at him, and he liked the caution in her hands when she stroked him.

He wanted the kind words and gentle care she offered to continue. Siheon had no choice but to fall helplessly for the soft things he had learned about for the first time in his life.

Everything had been given to him by Kangeun. And so, Siheon…

He learned greed. He came to want things. He wanted to possess Go Kangeun.

[Wow, Siheon-ah. You remembered all that after I only taught you once? Good job. You did really well.]

[Is that book fun, Siheon-ah? You’re only looking at that book?]

[Siheon-ah, the seasoned bean sprouts were spicy, right? Should I season them without the chili powder?]

Kangeun liked things clean.

She would watch with a satisfied smile when Siheon read books.

Whenever he finished the food she made without leaving anything behind, Kangeun would smile at Siheon.

When he handed her a math unit test paper he’d gotten all right, she would embrace Siheon with glowing eyes.

Siheon liked that Kangeun was proud of him. He liked her smiling. And so, Siheon became the younger brother, Yoon Siheon, that Kangeun liked. That was his only goal.

[They say she’s not my real Noona.]

[Who says that?]

[The kids…… I’m Yoon Siheon and Noona is Go Kangeun, so they said Noona isn’t my real Noona.]

[Listen carefully, Siheon-ah.]

One day when he had come home covered in dirt. Kangeun took Siheon’s hand and stood in front of a mirror. Looking quietly at his face, which had become filthy from enduring the bullying of neighborhood kids, she gently stroked the spot where a small mole was located under his left eye.

[Look here. You see that pretty mole under our Siheon’s left eye, right?]

[Yeah…….]

[Look at Noona, too. I have a mole under my left eye just like you, don’t I?]

[Yeah.]

[Since we’re the same like this, why wouldn’t I be Siheon’s Noona? No matter what anyone says, I am Siheon’s Noona.]

[Really……?]

[Of course. You’re the only one in the world allowed to call me Noona.]

[Then what about the other kids? Like Gyeongsu from the supermarket or Jonghyeong-hyung from the hair salon?]

[I’ll make sure they don’t call me that. You’re the only younger brother I have, Siheon-ah.]

Until that point, Siheon was happy being Kangeun’s younger brother. He was happy because he was the only younger brother she had, and she was the only Noona he had.

Then one day, Kangeun’s school friends approached Siheon while he was waiting for her.

Then, Kangeun introduced Siheon with a proud face.

[This is my younger brother. Isn’t our Siheon cute?]

Beside Kangeun, who was smiling while stroking his hair like usual, there was also some male student.

Siheon hated the look in that guy’s eyes—the one with the lanky height—as he looked at Kangeun.

[He’s cute, Kangeun’s younger brother.]

When Siheon brushed off the guy’s hand that was touching his hair without care, Kangeun opened her eyes wide.

Siheon pulled Kangeun’s arm and took her home right then and there. He was in a bad mood the whole time.

And from that day on, Siheon didn’t want to be Kangeun’s younger brother.

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