Chapter 21: A Hand in the Dark

The house where she had lived her entire life was covered in the smell of smoke and soot that had drifted over from Hyungjoo’s house.

A basin and a single shoe lay scattered in the yard, catching her attention, but only for a moment.

Beyond the wide-open door of the main room, she could see a soju bottle lying on its side.

The man who had always laid there, longing for his wife, was no longer in this world.

He had gone to be by the side of the wife he had loved so dearly.

Leaving his exhausted daughter behind all alone.

“…….”

The damp, heavy air, which felt thick in her throat, stung once more.

Kangeun stood as still as a dead tree.

When she closed her eyes, her body, having lost its sense of balance, swayed unsteadily in the light spring breeze and the fine drizzle—teetering on the edge.

She felt as if she were standing on a cliff.

Or as if she were walking on a tightrope.

If she were to take just one step toward the abyss below, she would simply…

She thought she would feel at ease.
She wanted to feel at ease.

****

It was still the pre-dawn hour, tinted with a faint blue light.
The rain, which had fallen throughout the funeral, had stopped a short while ago.

Kangeun, who had been sitting against the door frame all night with her eyes wide open, watching the rain fall, suddenly rose to her feet.

Still wearing her mourning clothes, she carefully examined her room before opening the wardrobe.

Her gaze swept over the few items of clothing she owned, then slowly drifted down.
Beside her bag lay her treasure box.

Kangeun took out the box, which held the things Siheon had given her, and set it down carefully in the center of the room.

“…….”

After staring at the box in silence for a long time, Kangeun turned around.

Then, moving quickly as if full of life, she brought over a chair.

She took down the curtain that crossed the ceiling, laid it over the treasure box like a shroud, and piled her books, bags, and clothes on top of it.

Kangeun’s eyes sparkled as she looked at the items piled up like a grave.

Crossing the yard to the main room, she gathered up her father’s belongings—his new coat, his bedding, and the half-finished bottle of soju—and brought them all out.

“……I should have bought him some sneakers, too.”

Kangeun muttered weakly after discovering a pair of worn-out sneakers in the pile.

Then, she moved again, heading toward the kitchen.

She had gone to find the lighter she kept in the kitchen sink drawer because the old gas stove rarely worked.

“They say you should burn the belongings of the deceased…….”

It was something she had heard from her father a long time ago.

That you burn their keepsakes to send them to the person who has passed.

That you must burn the things they cherished in life so that the ashes and smoke can reach the heavens.

Back then, her father had gathered his wife’s belongings and burned them in a corner of the yard.

With a hollow look in his eyes, he had called out his wife’s name as he burned her photos, her clothes, her shoes, and her favorite books.

Kangeun had intended to burn the items just as her father had, to send them to him, but she suddenly realized that if she were to die, there would be no one left to burn her things and send them to her.

That was why she had taken out her own belongings to add to the pile.

Kangeun sat down with her back to the door, having neatly removed her shoes, and closed her eyes.

After getting caught up in an unexpected incident last winter, Kangeun had realized there were only two people in the world who smiled at her.

But because of that incident, she had lost Siheon, and now her father had left her as well.
Kangeun was left with nothing.

At twenty-three, she had lived her life as best she could.

She had tried to live without shame, and she had lived while being grateful for the happiness given to her each day.

She had prayed that she would ask for nothing more, only that she be allowed to protect what she already had, but God had snatched everything away, as if mocking her prayers.

“I, Go Kangeun.”

And so, Kangeun made up her mind to go where her mother and father were.

It would be a lie to say she was not afraid of death.

But right now, what frightened Kangeun most of all was the thought of having to live on alone.

If she had been alone all along, she wouldn’t have harbored such a grim resolve.

She would have endured and pressed on.

But through Siheon, who appeared before her after her mother died and she had been alone,

Kangeun had been able to smile every day.

Once she knew warmth, she felt the cold all the more keenly.

After she had let Siheon leave like that last winter, Kangeun had withered away, tired of waiting for him when he wouldn’t contact her.

Amidst the feeling that everything in the world was futile, she had held on by looking at her father.

[Kangeun-ah….]

Her father, who had grown significantly older, had recently begun to smile gently and call her name in that long, drawn-out way: ‘Kangeun-ah.’

Every time he did that, Kangeun, busy and tired, would answer with irritation or even ignore him, thinking he was teasing her.

But now, she missed that voice calling her so achingly.

Kangeun’s eyes welled up with red-rimmed tears as she realized, belatedly, that she had loved it when her father called her like that, and that she should have looked him in the eyes once more, that she should have smiled back at him.

She had so little, yet so much lingering attachment.

Shaking her head, Kangeun looked at a picture frame poking out from the pile of belongings.

It was a photo of her parents smiling as they held a young Kangeun.

“Mom, Ahn Hyoseon.”

Her mother, Ahn Hyoseon, whom she hadn’t called for such a long time.

“Dad, Go Seongho.”

Her father, Go Seongho—her hero for half of her life, and like a fragile child for the other half.

“……Yoon Siheon.”

You, the grateful person with whom I slept and woke almost every day for ten years.

The only person who showed me that I, too, had desires.

My precious younger brother.

Yoon Siheon.

Having said that much, Kangeun tightened her grip on the lighter.

I’m scared, I’m scared. But…….

Just as she closed her trembling eyelids to light the flame, a scent she had longed for was carried on the wind blowing from behind her.

Is this a dream? Or am I just imagining it?

Kangeun couldn’t bring herself to open her eyes, biting her lip to suppress the welling emotions, when—

“I’m sorry.”

Before she could even open her eyes at the sound of the familiar voice, the warmth she had dreamed of so much wrapped around her from behind.

“…….”

“I’m sorry, for being late… I’m sorry.”

He hugged Kangeun with great strength.

While sobbing, he gently pressed down on Kangeun’s hand to take the lighter away.

He buried his wet face in the nape of her neck, trapping her in his sturdy arms.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry for leaving you alone. I’m sorry, Noona. I’m sorry.”

For the past few months, it had been Siheon, the one Kangeun had waited for even in her dreams.

****

When Kangeun turned around, her eyes were already wet.

She looked at Siheon with tear-filled eyes and opened her arms like a child, and Siheon, who had been kneeling, opened his long arms to pull her into his embrace.

“Why, why did you…”

“You were worried a lot, weren’t you.”

“You really, why, why…”

“You hated me, didn’t you.”

“You…”

“You… had a hard time, didn’t you.”

As if soothing Kangeun, who was sobbing and nodding, Siheon gripped the back of her head and hugged her tight, Kangeun having grown even thinner in the last few months.

At his repeated whispers of apology, Kangeun’s crying grew louder.

Kangeun cried for a long time in Siheon’s arms.

Then, when her crying had calmed down to some extent, she tried to push him away slightly as he hugged and comforted her in silence.

But Siheon didn’t budge.

“Wait, let me look at you. To see if it’s really you. If this isn’t a dream.”

“It’s not a dream.”

“Why, why didn’t you contact me? Why didn’t you take my calls? You said you’d call me every day. You said you’d come see me often. Why, why…”

As she spoke, her resentment mixed with tears once again.

Feeling his hand comforting her without a word, Kangeun finally pushed Siheon away to look up at him.

She wiped her wet eyes and looked at him again.

“……You, why are you like this?”

The eighteen-year-old Siheon had changed drastically in a few months.

She had prayed that he would go to that rich family, be loved, and live well, but his gaunt face and pale complexion showed that he was not okay right now.

He looked like someone who had been suffering from something after not being able to sleep for a long time.

His lips, which were always red and smooth, were all cracked and white, and the area under his eyes looked hollow and sunken.

Kangeun, who had been stroking his cheek, began to notice things she hadn’t seen before on his skin, which used to be flawless.

His face and neck were damp with cold sweat, as if he had just come in from the rain, and his body temperature felt so hot that it scorched her.

On top of that, he had lost weight all over, and his muscle tone was gone.

“You, you… are you sick? Siheon-ah, are you sick?”

Kangeun’s eyes widened as she frantically checked his face, shoulders, arms, and chest.

The faint smell of disinfectant coming from Siheon gave her the answer.

It was as if Siheon had just stepped out of a hospital bed.

“You, where have you been?”

“…….”

“Siheon, why are you like this? Huh?”

Siheon had never been seriously ill, except for when Miryeong left.
Seeing him this weak left Kangeun in shock.

“Were you sick? Is that why you couldn’t contact me? Did you have an accident? Where exactly does it hurt!”

Kangeun’s face twisted little by little as she pressed the silent Siheon for an answer.
Her worry quickly turned into anger.

She had raised him with such care, sent him away, and he had come to find her with a face that looked like he was dying.

“Why won’t you answer! Why won’t you tell me? Who did this? Who made you like this!”

“If I tell you, will you scold them for me?”

“……What?”

“Like how you used to scold the kids who bullied me. Will you be on my side and scold them like that?”

Kangeun stared at Siheon with confused eyes.
His gentle voice and sad eyes made her throat choke up.

Of course. I’ll scold them for you. Because I’m your Noona.

As Kangeun nodded repeatedly, the sound of urgent footsteps reached her ears.

The sound of heavy leather shoes moving busily was not a sound she could hear in this alleyway.

Thump, thump. Her heart beat rapidly at the ominous premonition.

Kangeun gripped Siheon’s hand, which was holding hers, tightly.