Chapter 99: On Thin Ice

Lately, Eun-gyeol had been having shitty dreams over and over again.

In the dream, he was walking across a sheet of ice so thin it could shatter at any moment.

With every step he took, he held his breath and carefully placed his foot forward.

Choi Han-geon was standing on the other side, looking at him.

Silently.

Then, because of one careless step, the ground split apart without mercy, and Eun-gyeol sank into deep, freezing water.

When he clawed his way out with all his remaining strength, the place where Choi Han-geon had been standing was completely empty.

Up until now, insomnia had been far removed from his life.

Even when sharing a room with Han-geon, aside from the rare occasions when he physically pushed himself to the point of passing out, Eun-gyeol was always the one who fell asleep first.

He had never once seen Han-geon fall asleep.

But these days, the number of times Eun-gyeol fell asleep before Han-geon could be counted on one hand.

Every time he drifted into sleep, he kept having those kinds of dreams.

Because of a single step of his own, the ice cracked, he sank into the water, and Choi Han-geon disappeared.

Sometimes, the scene from the day Han-geon manifested also appeared in his dreams.

In the dream, Eun-gyeol waited endlessly for Han-geon at his house.

Han-geon left behind words saying to meet at home and never came.

Only Eun-gyeol, left alone in the empty house, waited for him, and waited, and waited again.

No matter which dream it was, they were all equally worthless nightmares.

When he jolted awake, drenched in cold sweat, he would see Choi Han-geon sleeping quietly in his arms.

Without exception, not a single day missed.

Just seeing his peaceful sleeping face was enough to make the nightmare melt away as if it had never existed.

After that, he would fall asleep again, completely exhausted.

He felt like he understood, vaguely at least.

The reason he had been having nightmares for an entire month and behaving so pathetically.

It was probably anxiety and fear.

Fear that Choi Han-geon might disappear again.

Fear that he might leave him forever.

Fear that he might turn away coldly and say he never wanted to see someone like him again.

When he came to his senses, Eun-gyeol realized he was focusing all of his attention on Han-geon.

From the moment he opened his eyes in the morning, through breaks in filming, and until he closed his eyes at night.

He watched Han-geon’s expressions and moods, carefully reading the atmosphere that flowed from him again and again.

If even the slightest hint of gloom appeared, he deliberately cracked a joke.

If Han-geon seemed stifled, he took him out for a walk or a run together.

Even when Han-geon, wearing a cautious expression, said he was tired and pushed away his touch, Eun-gyeol accepted it quietly without sulking or forcing himself on him.

For Eun-gyeol, who had always embraced him whenever he pleased, it was deeply painful, but there was no other choice.

Even so, Han-geon had been showing slightly strange signs lately.

First of all, he talked far less than before.

When spoken to or teased, he still smiled and responded just like always, but the number of times he initiated conversation had noticeably decreased.

He also often wore a depressed expression or stared blankly into empty space.

Several times, Eun-gyeol asked him what he was thinking.

Each time, Han-geon smiled and answered that it was nothing, that he was not thinking about anything.

His voice toward Eun-gyeol was still gentle and warm, so the worries Eun-gyeol felt when looking at his pensive face would soon fade away like morning dew.

It seemed that Han-geon did not remember the knotting that had happened that day.

If he remembered, he would have asked what it was at least once afterward, but he never mentioned that day at all.

From Eun-gyeol’s perspective, it was not something he needed to bring up himself.

To be honest, he no longer wanted to earn Han-geon’s dislike any further.

Han-geon liked him, and Eun-gyeol accepted that feeling.

That was the unspoken rule that had absolutely defined their relationship for seventeen years.

He had also accepted and borne the responsibility that came with it.

At least, that was what Eun-gyeol had believed until now.

However, Eun-gyeol now had to admit it.

That the rule he had kept with that boy for his entire life had already changed without him noticing.

No, that there had never been such an absolute rule to begin with.

Up until now, he had taken the affection Han-geon gave him for granted and enjoyed it comfortably.

No matter how hard Han-geon struggled and ran about, he was always within the palm of Eun-gyeol’s hand.

Like a dog reflexively wagging its tail for its owner, Han-geon willingly obeyed any of Eun-gyeol’s words or actions, and Eun-gyeol had found that beautiful and felt deep affection toward him because of it.

But when he came to his senses, the handle of the leash had already passed into Choi Han-geon’s hand.

The one wearing the leash around his neck was no longer Han-geon, but Eun-gyeol himself.

The one holding the initiative was no longer Eun-gyeol.

He was now being swayed by Han-geon, who had always loved him sincerely and stubbornly to the point of foolishness, and who had therefore been easy and manageable.

By Choi Han-geon, whom Eun-gyeol himself had firmly labeled as nothing more than a friend, a manager, and a s*x partner.

He did not even have the leeway to feel angry, dumbfounded, or analyze the cause of having lost the upper hand in their power struggle.

By the time he realized that the relationship had been overturned, the situation was already slipping beyond his control.

He had no idea what he should do from now on.

Like a butterfly instinctively seeking out a flower, it had always been natural for that boy to come to him, so it was something Eun-gyeol had never once needed to worry about.

But now, Eun-gyeol had to find a way.

A way to bring Han-geon back to him, who pretended nothing was wrong while subtly shifting his tone and gaze.

A way to grab the boy who was retreating little by little, almost imperceptibly, and make him run back into his arms again.

However, in reality, things only grew worse with each passing day.

Han-geon even started doing things he had never done before.

“…I told you not to!”

When Eun-gyeol reached out to embrace him, Han-geon shouted like that and shoved his hand away.

For a brief moment, Eun-gyeol could not breathe.

The anxiety and fear that had coiled deep inside him and lain in wait for so long began to crawl out again, trying to surround him.

Han-geon’s voice, tinged with exhaustion and disgust, carried enough power in that fleeting moment of darkness to shatter Eun-gyeol again and again.

Eun-gyeol clenched his teeth and forced down the sinister, desperate desire that was rising inside him.

He was afraid he might fail to control his anxiety and end up taking Han-geon by force again.

‘Just do it.’

‘That’s the easiest and best way.’

His inner voice kept whispering that.

In truth, he wanted to pounce on Han-geon right then and there.

Just like he always had before, he wanted to be reassured, even if it meant forcing it.

Because when he held Han-geon, he could feel it for sure.

His voice, his body heat, his pheromones, and the fact that their entire bodies were pressed together.

But the realization that he could no longer do that grabbed his wrist firmly.

He could not make Han-geon retreat any further.

He was already going crazy because he did not know what to do going forward, so he could not make him run away again and hide, even if he could not make him come closer.

So he endured it.

He took deep breaths and desperately faced Han-geon.

He asked to just be allowed to hold him.

The gaze that had always looked down on that boy with arrogance was now soaked in desperation.

Eun-gyeol did not realize that his eyes now looked closer to pleading than anything else.

“…Okay.

Come here.”

And Han-geon accepted him.

He opened his arms wide and hugged him warmly.

Just like he always had.

Only after being held by him did the tightness in Eun-gyeol’s chest finally ease.

Like someone dragged out of the water, he breathed desperately and inhaled the boy’s scent.

For the first time, the darkness that made it impossible to read Han-geon’s expression felt frightening.

Even while pressed tightly against him and listening to his heartbeat, it felt as though he were impossibly far away.

Come to think of it, had Choi Han-geon’s heart ever beaten this leisurely before.

His heart, which had always beaten loudly and rapidly to the point of being ridiculous, now seemed completely at ease.

Unlike his, Eun-gyeol’s heartbeat only grew faster and faster, like someone being chased by an evil spirit.

“Choi Han-geon.”

When Eun-gyeol called his name, a soft response came back.
“Mm.”

That honest voice, always carrying warmth.

Even though it was just a single syllable, Eun-gyeol’s chest dropped heavily at the sound of it.

He loved the owner of that voice so much, yet at the same time felt like he was standing on the edge of a pitch-black cliff, so anxious he could go mad.

“Do you still…”

He wanted to ask.

He wanted to ask if Han-geon still liked him.

But strangely, the words caught in his chest and would not come out.

He tried to open his mouth again, but only managed to draw in a trembling breath, and still could not say anything.

“What is it.

What were you trying to say.”

Han-geon asked, but Eun-gyeol could not answer.

He was afraid.

He was so afraid he could not endure it.

If Choi Han-geon answered no to the question of whether he still liked him.

Or if he replaced an answer with silence.

Then Eun-gyeol had no idea how he would be able to accept that response.

It felt as though the lump lodged in his chest was suddenly heating up.

Unable to say anything, he buried his face in Han-geon’s chest.

The scent of the one and only person who could give him stability was what kept Eun-gyeol alive in that moment.

And that was the last warmth of Han-geon that Eun-gyeol was able to feel.