Chapter 30: A Shared Burden

The pajamas Yoon Heesung had given me were unmistakably new. I ran my fingers over the crisp cotton, then slipped them on, finding the size a perfect fit. ‘Had he bought them in advance, just for me? Was that why he always insisted I stay over?’

“He’s not here…”

After drying my hair with the hairdryer, I stepped out of the bathroom to find the room empty. Yoon Heesung was still showering. I wandered alone through the ownerless space.

A sudden urge to open the drawers seized me. I was curious to see what Yoon Heesung kept inside, but I forced myself to resist. Instead, I idly rubbed the worn edge of the desk before moving toward the bookshelf.

While there were a fair number of books that appeared to be philosophy or practical guides, the majority were novels. Even to me, someone who rarely read, many of the titles were familiar.

Unsurprisingly, however, there was an overwhelming number of children’s storybooks. Thin, oversized volumes were packed tightly onto the shelves, even at a height I could reach by bending slightly. I pulled one out and, without realizing it, chuckled.

“What is this?”

On the cover, the name ‘Yoon Heesung’ was scrawled in clumsy, uneven letters. The ‘n’ in ‘Yoon’ was half-worn away, a testament to how many times it had been read. ‘Surely not the other books too?’ I thought, returning it and pulling out another. That one also had his name written on it.

I pulled out a couple more, and they were all the same. I could easily imagine a young Yoon Heesung, still new to Hangeul, scribbling his name everywhere. My hardened heart began to soften, melting into something pliable.

‘Is there no photo album around?’ I wondered. ‘I want to see his childhood pictures.’ He had mentioned last time that there weren’t any at this villa, yet a lingering hope made me glance around. It was then that a pale hand shot out from behind my shoulder, snatching the book I was holding.

“Is this interesting?”

It was a hand that was both refined and masculine. The prominent knuckles were tinged with a peculiar pink hue.

Having just showered, Yoon Heesung carried the familiar, refreshing scent I always associated with him. The thought that I, too, probably smelled the same now made me feel strange. To avoid letting that feeling show, I quickly replied.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you? They’re your books.”

Yoon Heesung merely shrugged and then crouched in front of the bookshelf. What he said as he put the book back was amusing.

“None of these are interesting to me.”

“If you brought them all the way here from when you were a kid, they must have been interesting to you.”

‘None of them are interesting?’ If they were truly uninteresting, he would have discarded them. I had noticed it before, but Yoon Heesung seemed to misunderstand his own feelings. To buy so many books and read them whenever he had a moment meant he genuinely loved books. If he thought about watching a movie whenever he had free time, that meant he loved movies. Yoon Heesung seemed utterly oblivious to what he liked or found enjoyable.

However, an unexpected answer came.

“I didn’t bring them; they were always here.”

“You lived here completely as a child? …Not just visiting for a bit?”

I asked, startled. The three characters of ‘Yoon Heesung’ on the cover were clearly written by a child still clumsy with Hangeul.

Yoon Heesung neatly placed the book back and stood up.

“Yes. I lived here for periods of time.”

“……”

I wanted to ask more, but I hesitated, wondering if I might be stirring up painful memories. It seemed his mother had often been ill even when Yoon Heesung was a child.

Instead, I tugged on Yoon Heesung’s arm.

“Yoon Heesung, come here.”

Upon closer inspection, his hair was still damp. Droplets of water continuously formed and fell from the ends of his hair. Even in summer, the air conditioning inside was strong, and if he didn’t dry it properly, he could easily catch a cold.

When I sat on the sofa, Yoon Heesung came and sat on the floor in front of me. I began to towel his hair, which appeared even darker now that it was wet. Watching the tiny water droplets scatter brought a sense of calm.

With the hand not holding the towel, I gently ran my fingers through his hair. As I touched its fine texture, all the world’s troubles seemed insignificant. My turbulent heart gradually quieted with each rustle of his hair against my fingertips as the moisture receded.

Even without a single word exchanged, I felt comfortable with Yoon Heesung. The only sounds were the whirring of the air conditioner and the friction of his hair against the towel, but for me, it was enough.

Yoon Heesung was the first to break the silence.

“Want to watch a movie?”

“…Now?”

It was an unexpected suggestion. Since it was already night when I had returned home after self-study, it must have been close to dawn.

“You said it was interesting last time.”

“I did, but…”

“Not interested? Then, want to read a book?”

When I didn’t answer, Yoon Heesung suggested something else. I shook my head again. He didn’t stop there.

“Or, do you like working out? There’s equipment in the next room.”

Working out in the middle of the night? When I shook my head once more, Yoon Heesung asked, his expression somewhat anxious.

“Is there anything else you want to do?”

Only then did I realize Yoon Heesung was desperate to keep me from simply sitting still. I looked down at him sitting on the floor and let out a small laugh.

“I’m not bored. I’m fine.”

I truly didn’t mind doing nothing. From the moment I thought of Yoon Heesung while staring at the murky water, I genuinely didn’t care about anything. Just before being swallowed by a house-sized wave, I had thought of Yoon Heesung as a refuge, and nothing else mattered.

I smiled to show him I was okay, but Yoon Heesung slowly shook his head.

“No, I want to cheer you up.”

“……”

“You’ve been in a bad mood ever since you came from school.”

Yoon Heesung… rarely showed much change in expression. He was mostly impassive, perhaps occasionally offering a faint smile. Even then, it was just a slight lift of the corners of his mouth, never a hearty laugh. His expressions were simply not varied. And it was the same now.

So, Yoon Heesung’s mood was like fine hair slipping through one’s fingers—almost tangible, yet impossible to grasp. However, even in his unchanging expression, I could sense what he was feeling. At that moment, he was restless, anxious, and worried.

Yoon Heesung was fretting over how to cheer me up, even though he hadn’t caused my bad mood, and my melancholy had nothing to do with him.

He was simply throwing out topics, unsure of what might make me feel better.

“……”

Perhaps it was the realization of his concern, but my body went slack, as if melting in warm water. The tension eased, and my mind grew weary. It felt like I was drowning, and hot water seemed to well up to my eyes. My ears buzzed, and my cheeks grew warm.

‘Why is it that such a small thing can make my heart feel so utterly exposed?’

Suddenly, Yoon Heesung stood up. He came and sat beside me. He gently brushed his thumb across my eyelids and asked,

“Why were you crying?”

Watching Yoon Heesung, who was trying to cheer me up without even knowing what had happened, reminded me of my phone, which hadn’t rung once since I arrived at this villa and took a shower.

“I…”

I had definitely not intended to confide in him. I hadn’t come here to lament. Yet, when Yoon Heesung asked so calmly, something hot abruptly surged to the back of my throat.

“…You know,”

It felt as if my heart, which I had suppressed until it was on the verge of bursting, had been pricked by a needle. From that point, my sorrow poured out like a gushing flood. The one holding the needle, of course, was Yoon Heesung.

“I’m so upset. Mom, Mom only cares about Lee Sunwoo… Why is she like that… He’s no help at all, he’s the one who ran off after racking up debt, and our house is a mess because of him… Scary people come looking for him. They come in and spit…”

My vision blurred, then cleared, then blurred again. I caught a glimpse of Yoon Heesung’s troubled face. “...They come in and spit?” he murmured, a hint of bewilderment in his voice, but my gasping breaths simply wouldn’t subside. ‘He shouldn’t have asked, he should have just told me to stay if I wanted to, why did he ask why I was crying?’

Yoon Heesung observed my face for a long moment, then raised his hands and clumsily began to wipe away my tears. His tentative touch was awkward, like someone wiping away tears for the very first time. It was hard to tell if he was trying to wipe them or scatter them, as he repeatedly rubbed below my chin with his palm. Then, he used his fingertips to dab away tear drops. I clung to his clumsy gestures, sobbing even harder.

“M-Mom, why even here? She doesn’t think of me at all. She cares so much about Lee Sunwoo, giving him whatever money he asks for… Why does she even give it to him? He’ll just squander it all anyway. He’ll just get into more debt.”

“That happened?”

I choked out a sob and nodded.

I hated that Mom suffered because of Lee Sunwoo. The days Mom had truly rested comfortably in her life could be counted on one hand. I didn’t know why she was staking her future on someone like Lee Sunwoo, but she poured all her devotion into him. She was still breaking her back supporting Lee Sunwoo, yet he took it all for granted, without an ounce of gratitude.

“Mom, how far will Mom go? What is Lee Sunwoo even…”

Sometimes, both Mom and Lee Sunwoo seemed like people from another world.

It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried to talk to her. But Mom always told me it wasn’t my business and to stay out of it. It was her money, not mine, and she would give away the money she earned, so I shouldn’t object. I was always completely excluded. I was an outsider with no right to contribute a single word. We were clearly family, yet I always felt adrift. I was an island, left alone in the vast ocean.

Everything went to Lee Sunwoo, and only the scraps were left for me.

“Mom, Mom only cares about my brother… only loves Lee Sunwoo… I could do better.”

Lee Sunwoo was precious to Mom, but I was not. Whether I did well in school or not, whether I got along well there or not, it didn’t concern Mom. I was family too, I was Mom’s son too, but I wasn’t in her thoughts. As if being born first was some kind of privilege, Mom always sided with Lee Sunwoo. I would never be loved by Mom. Why couldn’t I have what Lee Sunwoo had without even trying?