Chapter 28: The Weight of Brother

‘That’s my son?’

‘He’s my son, but he’s also your older brother. If I die, he’s the only family you’ll have left. You know that!’

The familiar refrain grated on my ears, more so than usual.

Not only had my mother suffered. I, too, had been plagued by rumors at school, all thanks to Lee Sunwoo.

Had my mother forgotten that before we moved, I couldn’t even go outside, skipped school, and was eventually fired from my part-time job?

All of it was because of Lee Sunwoo. Even our relocation here was entirely his fault.

‘And you, you hoarded even that tiny bit of money, pretending you had nothing. You only handed it over when gangsters showed up at the house and chaos erupted.

‘You’re just as selfish, so why do you only scold your brother?’

‘Mom, stop it!’

It infuriated me that my mother took my patience for granted. I also hated her for scolding me, simply because I had only belatedly offered the money I’d painstakingly saved from my part-time job to pay off debts.

Even if I had scraped together every last penny, it wouldn’t have covered a single month’s interest on Lee Sunwoo’s debts. My mother, however, used even that as a weapon to stab at me.

My mother had no idea what had happened to me today, or how I had been tormented by Im Namwoo ever since transferring schools. She pretended not to notice my swollen eyelids.

She was just like my homeroom teacher, blurring her vision to avoid the bother of asking questions.

‘……’

But even if I poured out everything, my mother would simply dismiss it. She wouldn’t worry.

I wished I could just shoot up into the sky, or perhaps sink into the earth. It seemed there was no one in this world who cared about me anyway.

Unable to bear being in the same space as my mother any longer, I impulsively stormed out of the house. It was dusk, and as I walked, my right cheek began to throb belatedly.

I grumbled, trudging aimlessly down unfamiliar streets. I felt as though a ghost might jump out, but certainly no person.

Of course, no one followed me either.

I wiped my burning cheek with the back of my hand, walking and walking without direction. I had nowhere to go, yet I kept moving.

Then, I heard the slap-slap of waves hitting the shore, and as if mesmerized, I turned my steps towards the sound. The shimmering blue waves seemed to call to me.

I crossed a narrow road and pushed through a thicket of grass that reached my thighs.

I stood facing the wide-open sea.

In the distance, a breakwater was visible, and a lighthouse, already lit, pierced the twilight.

I’d heard somewhere that this sea had no port for ships, which made it pleasantly secluded. True to those words, it was tranquil and silent.

Standing before the sea, I felt like an anomaly, an alien object. I felt an urgent need to disappear into its depths and hide.

I stepped onto the sand, which felt like a barrier between myself and the ocean. Each step was heavy. With every ounce of weight I put down, the sand pulled at my feet, forcing me to exert double the effort to lift my leg again. Its persistence annoyed me.

Then, I turned around.

‘……’

Wherever I had stepped, the sand was deeply indented. Small holes had formed along my path.

Even if someone had walked there before, a single sweep of the wind would smooth the sand, making it pristine once more.

I stared blankly at the sight.

‘It seems these are all the traces I can leave in the world.’

Such a thought suddenly occurred to me.

Small depressions created by the weight of my body, moving in the direction I chose. Only the sand, disturbed by the shape of my feet, marked my passage. There was nothing else I could do.

The sharp seashells touching my ankles didn’t bother me in the slightest. Before I knew it, I was diligently leaving my marks. I wanted to walk like this forever.

Even in summer, the seawater was cold. I jumped in, uncaring that my shoes got wet. I was overwhelmed by a sense of satisfaction, as if I had clawed at the world enough.

‘I think I understand why people come to the sea when they’re struggling.’

I don’t remember if I spoke those words aloud or merely thought them.

I only thought: ‘This is why Lee Sunwoo incurred debts, and why Mom and I moved here.’ Everything felt fated. Even my disappearance here, all of it. A strange sense of relief washed over me, as if I were walking a predetermined path.

It was only natural that I caught a cold that day.

The sea breeze is cold. Cold and biting. As if the season there flowed differently. Moreover, the waves were always fickle. Unpredictable, they would undulate around calf-height, then instantly soak my thighs, cling to my knees, only to swallow my entire body the moment I let my guard down.

It would have been stranger if I hadn’t gotten sick after being thoroughly drenched for so long.

With a feverish head, I repeatedly drifted in and out of sleep. When I awoke, all I could do was groan with a headache. I belatedly regretted plunging into the cold water without thinking.

It was then, when I finally thought it might be quicker to leave this place rather than adapt to it, that things began to change.

Im Namwoo, who had spearheaded the bullying, transferred schools. My mother found a job. I found a place to lean on emotionally.

If there was a total sum of luck I possessed, it felt as though I was drawing from my future reserves, as so many good things happened all at once.

However, all of that was now shattered.

“Yunwoo, Mom’s decided to go somewhere else.”

“Do we have to move again?”

I foolishly repeated the question, assuming, of course, that we would go together.

“No. Just Mom.”

My mother wasn’t going with me.

“You’ll stay here.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Only Mom is going.”

I was to stay here, and only my mother was going? It had only been a little over a month since we moved, and now she was moving somewhere else again. And alone? I couldn’t comprehend it.

“Why? What, what happened? Why are you doing this? What about your job?”

“It’s a job the Madam introduced me to. They’re looking for someone so urgently that the salary is much better. I’ve decided to work there now.”

It was an absurd explanation. Yet, my mother’s tightly pressed lips conveyed that she would absolutely not budge on her decision.

I was accustomed to her way of speaking, abruptly dropping news like a notification without any intention of discussing it with me. It had happened when we moved here, too. But still…

“Does that even make sense?”

“Lee Yunwoo.”

When my mother called my name like that, it was an indirect way of saying she didn’t want to answer my question. I knew that better than anyone, but this time, I couldn’t just let it go.

The emotions I had suppressed for so long surged up to my throat, bubbling violently. Feeling my voice tremble noticeably, I asked, tightly constrained,

“This is because of my brother, isn’t it?”

Because there was only one reason my mother would act like this.

Before discussing a job introduced by an acquaintance, or whether the salary was better or worse, my mother should have explained this to me first.

“……No. Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s not like that.”

It was an obvious lie, but if I stopped here, we wouldn’t have to fight. I had let things slide countless times with that exact intention.

“‘Not like that’? It’s because of Lee Sunwoo! Don’t tell me you thought I wouldn’t know you contacted him recently!”

But this time, it was impossible to keep it all inside.

“Lee Sunwoo, Lee Sunwoo… I’m sick of it. Why do you only think of Lee Sunwoo?”

It must be about money, in the end. Money, that damned money. Otherwise, my brother wouldn’t have contacted my mother first. Her moving to a different working region couldn’t happen unless Lee Sunwoo had caused trouble again.

Even if the Madam introduced the job, it was clear my mother must have made a plea first.

All sorts of conjectures intertwined, forming an ugly picture.

And the name ‘Lee Sunwoo’ wasn’t just a trigger for me. My mother’s eyes immediately snapped up at my words.

“This is between Mom and Sunwoo. It’s none of your business.”

Those words were practically an admission that it *was* because of my brother.

“I transferred schools all the way here because of Lee Sunwoo, so why is it none of my business? And now we have to move again!”

“You don’t have to go! Stay here. And was it really that displeasing to you? Enough to yell at your mother like this?”

“That’s not what I’m talking about!”

The subject subtly veered off course. It was always like this when I fought with my mother. The point would be lost, and the conversation would just circle.

“Mom always feels sorry for your brother. She’s never properly taken care of him, always too busy. So she wants to do this for him, even if it’s just this much. That’s what it is…”

My mother thumped her chest, like someone who had swallowed something the wrong way. As if the words wouldn’t come out if she didn’t.

My mother would never know that those words only made me angrier.

Whether Lee Sunwoo had a business illness or a gambling addiction, I hated that my mother blamed herself for his pathetic state. She always put herself last.

Tired of it, I raised my voice.

“Think about our situation! How long are you going to keep giving everything away? We’ve moved all the way here; it’s time to stop!”

“Look at how you’re talking now! Who do you think I’m earning money for?! It’s for you!”

“No, it’s not! It’s for Lee Sunwoo!”

My mother shouted back at me.

“Does Mom only give things to Sunwoo? I work myself to death to feed you, send you to school, do everything for you, and you say such things! And what’s with ‘Lee Sunwoo’ instead of ‘Brother’ since earlier?”

‘……’

“Has Mom ever starved you? What is wrong with you!”

Suddenly, my mother’s face felt unfamiliar.

“……You don’t do as much for me as you do for Lee Sunwoo.”

I had never asked for anything, even when I needed it. My worn-out sneakers, with frayed laces and tattered heels, were bought with my own money I’d earned from a part-time job when I entered high school. My school uniform was one I’d received from seniors who discarded theirs after graduation. My closed growth plates had been a relief to me.

Lee Sunwoo, on the other hand, would never have been left like that.