Chapter 46: The Weight of Guilt

Guilt consumed me even more profoundly. This remorse, however, wasn’t solely directed at myself; it also extended to those like Kim Youngseok and Im Namwoo, who had been brutally beaten by Yoon Heesung.

It wasn’t because I was some kind of angel; I still resented them. Yet, seeing them beaten to the point of incapacitation evoked a profound sense of pity.

Amidst my turmoil, my bandaged right hand caught my eye, even in the dim light. Its outline glowed faintly within the pale blue gloom.

Once again, my heart plummeted. It felt as though all the blood had drained from my feet.

‘I’m truly losing my mind.’

“……”

It was fortunate that the room wasn’t too brightly lit. It was a blessing that it wasn’t bright enough to fully reveal my expression. If it had been brighter, too much would have been visible; if it had been darker, I wouldn’t have seen anything at all. This level of dimness was just right.

“……How’s your hand? Are you really allowed to be out? Shouldn’t you be hospitalized?”

“Didn’t you hear?”

Yoon Heesung’s questioning tone made it sound as if my query was somehow my fault. I stammered, feeling intimidated.

“I heard, but…”

“Then why are you asking?”

“……”

A sudden thought struck me: perhaps Yoon Heesung was being petulant. I also speculated that he might be angry but pretending not to be.

However, Yoon Heesung simply widened his eyes, scrutinizing every inch of my face as if he harbored no ulterior motives. He observed me carefully, as if trying to discern my thoughts.

There was only one thing I could say in response.

“……I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For you getting hurt, I’m sorry…”

“Why are you sorry for that?”

“Because it’s my fault.”

My voice trembled uncontrollably.

“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt. This is all because of me…”

“……”

“That’s why I’m sorry…”

Yoon Heesung remained silent. I worried that he might be in too much pain to speak. As I glanced at his bandaged hand, he abruptly made a request.

“If you’re that sorry, grant me one wish.”

“A wish?”

“You said you’re sorry to me.”

Yoon Heesung pressed me. Granting any wish, no matter what it was, seemed a small price to pay. He had even received stitches on his hand because of me.

“I’ll grant it. What is it?”

The words ‘I’ll grant it’ escaped my lips before I even asked what the wish was. I felt so deeply indebted to him.

Yet, Yoon Heesung’s wish was utterly unexpected.

“If something like this happens again, tell me first.”

“……”

“Before anyone else, tell me first.”

I had heard similar words from Yoon Heesung before. . . even earlier today.

“That’s your wish?”

“Yes.”

I had thought he was delirious from blood loss, but it seemed Yoon Heesung was quite serious in his own way. Then again, Yoon Heesung being strange was nothing new. I sighed, feeling a suffocating tightness in my chest. It was Yoon Heesung’s stubbornness that made me feel so stifled.

‘I’ve been avoiding you all this time. I only contacted you when I needed something… and yet you still say something like this to me?’

I sighed once more and replied, “Today, too… I called Mom first, then called you right away.”

“That’s why I’m saying, next time, call me first. You called your mother first this time too.”

However, Yoon Heesung remained unyielding.

“Promise me.”

His pleading tone left my mouth dry.

‘What is the real Yoon Heesung? Is it the one who picked me up when I fell in the schoolyard, dusting off my knees? Is it the one who beats people for no apparent reason? Is it the one who not only cleaned up a broken plate to prevent me from getting hurt but also took a knife for me?

…Is that all Yoon Heesung?’

Perhaps I had been struggling with a book written in an alien language, impossible to decipher from the start. Perhaps it was truly impossible to fully comprehend a single human being. Even a tangible person, whose size can be measured and touched, harbors a unique universe within them.

‘So, what should I do now?’

But I had nothing else to say to Yoon Heesung. My nod was as inevitable as an apple falling to the ground due to gravity.

“……I will.”

For now, since Yoon Heesung was injured, I felt a sense of absolution.

“Good.”

Unaware of my complex thoughts, Yoon Heesung nodded with a pleased expression.

“You’re staying the night, right?”

“Staying…?”

When I hesitated at his words, Yoon Heesung tried to persuade me.

“If you go back home, how will you know when *they* might come looking again?”

“……”

“Stay here for a while.”

“Okay.”

His words made sense, and I didn’t want to leave Yoon Heesung alone, so I nodded. It wasn’t because of what his mother had said, but entirely my own choice. ‘How could he manage alone with a hand like that? I had to help him. It was my responsibility.’

Suddenly, I noticed that Yoon Heesung’s cheeks looked hollow.

“That’s right. What about food? Did you have dinner?”

“No. I don’t feel well.”

“Why don’t you feel well?”

“Did you eat?”

“I asked why you don’t feel well!”

I didn’t back down as usual. When I insisted, Yoon Heesung shrugged.

“Because of the anesthesia.”

“……”

Having never had surgery, I hadn’t even considered that.

“……Anesthesia makes you feel sick?”

“Sometimes.”

Feeling bad for having snapped at him, I hedged.

“……I haven’t eaten either, but I don’t have an appetite. I was too shocked. I’m not eating dinner either.”

Then, I quickly stood up and moved away.

“I’ll call Mom and be right back.”

It wasn’t a complete lie. Yoon Heesung’s return reminded me of something I needed to do. I had to ask Mom about this situation.

Mom still hadn’t contacted me. Surely, there must have been a missed call from me. Mom only called when she wanted to ask if I had gone to the villa; otherwise, she showed no interest. I knew this, but today, a wave of sadness welled up especially strongly. Perhaps I was angry.

I even wished she hadn’t answered the phone at all.

–Yunwoo?

“Mom.”

But Mom answered as soon as I called. Her immediate answer only made my heart stir more. She hadn’t picked up earlier, even though she must have seen my missed call, and now she was picking up? My insides churned. I managed to compose my voice and asked,

“I called earlier. Didn’t you see it?”

–Mom’s busy, you know. Why?

“……Mom.”

Normally, I would have dismissed it, thinking she might forget when busy with work. No, that wasn’t right. I would have pretended not to be hurt. Either way, I would have believed her excuse, but now I couldn’t.

I explained the whole situation. The man I had seen earlier had come to the house. He had made me kneel and threatened me with a knife. Mom listened to my words in silence, then asked,

–So, were you hurt?

“I wasn’t hurt.”

–That’s a relief. Well, those people need their money, why would they treat us carelessly?

“……”

That was the end of it. My jaw tightened. I wondered if Mom would remain so nonchalant if I told her this.

“Yoon Heesung got hurt instead of me.”

–What did you say?

“He got stabbed with a knife instead of me. He just had surgery.”

–Really? Heesung got hurt?

Mom reacted more vehemently than I had imagined. ‘Lee Yunwoo!’ I wasn’t surprised by the shout from the other end of the phone, only irritated.

–I told you to take good care of Heesung!

“Then why did you change your number, Mom?”

–……What?

Mom had something to say before she could scold me. However, she only offered excuses.

–Well, I had to change my phone for work, that’s all.

“You knew this would happen, didn’t you? You knew they’d come, but you left me alone.”

–…….

“All that debt was created by Lee Sunwoo. What am I supposed to do? Why me…?”

Mom remained silent. I didn’t expect an answer either.

“I didn’t give them your number, Mom. But if those men come again next time, I won’t know what to do. Don’t push this onto me.”

I said that, then unilaterally hung up. After speaking, I wondered if I had been too harsh, but then anger surged again. If Yoon Heesung hadn’t intervened, I would have been stabbed in the face or neck. If she wasn’t going to prioritize me, then she shouldn’t make things difficult for me. It was unfair.

I sighed and turned off my phone. Being in the same room as Yoon Heesung was far better than talking on the phone with Mom.

That was when I returned to the room. Even in the darkness, I could see Yoon Heesung staring intently at me. I asked, bewildered,

“……Why?”

“I was waiting to see when you’d come back.”

He said he had been looking at the door, wondering when I would return. His words simultaneously dumbfounded me and made my throat feel parched.

“I said I’d call before coming back. ……How’s your stomach?”

“Not good.”

“Should I get you some water? Do you want to drink some?”

Yoon Heesung shook his head. It was a fleeting moment, my gaze captivated by his calm movements.

“No water, just sleep next to me tonight.”

“……”

‘Was Yoon Heesung aware of my guilt and trying to exploit it? Or was this a form of revenge, using my mean streak against me? Was he being stubborn because I refused to sleep next to him last time?

Or did he genuinely want me to sleep beside him?’

“You’re not going to sleep right now, though…”

‘Just for that reason?’

“Can you wash up by yourself?”

“Yes.”

“When you come out, I’ll dry your hair for you.”

One thing was certain: my voice was much softer than when I was on the phone with Mom.

“Let’s dry it and then sleep together.”

Yoon Heesung smiled, as if he had expected me to say that.

Sleeping side by side was uncomfortable at first, but I quickly grew accustomed to it by the second day. Not only that, but living together at the villa also became familiar. It was a place I had already frequented to the point of wearing down the threshold.

Yoon Heesung also grew accustomed to my attendance. Since his injured hand was his right one, I started by placing side dishes onto his spoon for him.

At first, Yoon Heesung looked at me with a face full of questions, but he soon understood. Now, he even waited for me to place the side dishes for him, like a baby bird waiting to be fed.

While I couldn’t help him wash, so I left the room when he did, I would dry his hair after he came out.

I had thought I would never spend time like this again.