Chapter 65: What Do I Want with Him?

Wonhwa came to pick him up. She seemed to be in a good mood.

By the time they arrived at the annex, Wonhwa said in a low voice.

“He really is a friend.”

Her voice was filled with emotion.

“You finally made a friend. You even got hurt for a friend. How amazing.”

What Wonhwa was probably recalling were the words that woman had said long ago.

‘Heesung. If you have someone you want to look good in front of, then you’ll change. That desire to look good creates a conscience and standards.’

Wonhwa had probably heard something similar from her.

“We’re dating, not friends.”

He couldn’t answer because of his scratchy throat, but Wonhwa came to her own conclusion.

“Whatever. A man liking a man isn’t a flaw.”

Heesung thought belatedly. ‘Do I like him? Do I like Lee Yunwoo? Is this what liking someone feels like?’

Maybe it was. Heesung quickly conceded. But he still couldn’t tell what he wanted to do with him.

Heesung wanted to wipe Lee Yunwoo’s tears, and at the same time, he wanted to see him cry.

‘What exactly do I want to do with him?’

After that incident, Heesung felt like he knew a little more about what he wanted.

He wanted Lee Yunwoo to treat him well. He wanted him to take care of him and be obedient. He wanted him not to make him feel bad. He wanted him not to get on his nerves. Heesung wanted to dote on Lee Yunwoo without a care.

Since Heesung got hurt, Lee Yunwoo had been cowering. He was always checking Heesung’s mood and worrying. He fidgeted and glanced at the wound.

Whenever that happened, Heesung pretended to be weak. He pretended the wound hurt, pretended it bothered him… When he pretended he couldn’t use chopsticks, Lee Yunwoo even put food on his plate.

Heesung wondered if this was what he wanted.

Contrary to how he looked, Lee Yunwoo liked hot, spicy, and salty food more than sweets. It was fun to watch his nose and lips turn red and him gasp after eating spicy food, so Heesung had once deliberately asked the housekeeper to make spicy food.

The day before going to the hospital, Heesung searched for nearby restaurants. He thought it would be nice to eat out with Lee Yunwoo at least once.

Actually, for Heesung, going to the hospital was no different from a day out. It was just an excuse to go out with Lee Yunwoo.

Sure enough, Lee Yunwoo ate the large fish and vegetables braised in spicy sauce with gusto. Seeing his cheek puff up, Heesung felt full without eating.

‘I think I want to be like this with him.’

Heesung thought that.

If only it could have stayed like that forever.

It would have been good for both of them. Heesung sincerely thought so. Of course for himself, and also for Lee Yunwoo.

He said he couldn’t come because of the rain, so Heesung cursed under his breath and got up. He could have told him to bring an umbrella. He didn’t know why he was assuming Heesung would come in the rain. Thinking about his frail body getting soaked in this downpour made him furious.

Heesung grabbed an umbrella. Just one.

Because of the rain, almost everyone had gone home, so the school was quiet. Not wanting to interrupt Lee Yunwoo’s studying, Heesung parked himself in front of the school. He sat on the railing of the left entrance closest to the classroom and watched the raindrops fall.

This moment of wasting time wasn’t so bad at all.

Lee Yunwoo, who looked surprised to see him but quietly came under the umbrella, wasn’t bad either.

“…The rain stopped.”

Heesung knew. Lee Yunwoo was intentionally not folding the umbrella. Lee Yunwoo was being clueless, so Heesung ignored him.

“I’ll hold the umbrella now.”

“It’s fine.”

“Let me hold it.”

But Lee Yunwoo insisted on holding it. Heesung clicked his tongue internally. But when their hands touched, he couldn’t resist. Just as he gave in and handed the umbrella to Lee Yunwoo,

“Ah!”

At that moment, a strong wind blew and the umbrella flew far away. It spun around and fell into the sea. Heesung clicked his tongue openly now. He was disappointed that he couldn’t stay close to Lee Yunwoo a little longer, but it wasn’t a big deal.

But Lee Yunwoo would blame himself a lot over that one umbrella. Especially since he had just asked for it, even more. He would shrink thinking he lost the umbrella because of himself.

Heesung liked that Lee Yunwoo was cowed and subdued because of him, but he didn’t like it for other reasons. He jumped into the sea without a second thought.

Heesung figured out the direction and went in. He knew where he was heading and where the umbrella would drift. He knew how not to lose himself in the surging waves. He was confident he wouldn’t be swept away.

But Lee Yunwoo wasn’t. Seeing him floundering in the opposite direction, not even toward the umbrella, Heesung’s eyes rolled back.

“Hey!”

Even then, Heesung held the umbrella firmly under his arm and, with the other hand, grabbed the back of Lee Yunwoo’s neck and dragged him onto the beach. His whole body trembled. It wasn’t from the cold. Goosebumps rose all over him, and chills ran through him… It wasn’t from the cold. It was fear. It was the same kind of feeling he had felt the day Lee Yunwoo talked about dying, but much thicker. Much darker and heavier than before.

That night came to mind.

‘That night, if he hadn’t miraculously swum out, would Lee Yunwoo have died like that? Would he have died without regret? Without even meeting me… Would he have died?’

Heesung thought he understood why people fear getting hurt or dying.

“Do you even know how to swim?”

His anger exploded. Heesung lost his reason and shouted. Fire shot from his eyes.

“Why did you go in when you can’t swim? Do you want to die again?”

If he hadn’t saved him, this time he really would have died. He would have suffocated and become a corpse in waves that could swallow a person and still look innocent. Heesung was furious enough to go crazy… and afraid at the same time.

But because Lee Yunwoo cried, shed tears, he couldn’t be angry anymore.

“Is this something to cry about?”

Lee Yunwoo might be more clever than Heesung thought. He must know Heesung is weak to his tears and use them as a weapon. Heesung stopped being angry. Seeing him crying, he didn’t feel like being angry anymore. He just decided to wash Lee Yunwoo. He felt like washing off the salty water would ease his own mind.

“I really thought you were going to die…”

“I just went in to get the umbrella. Why would I die?”

He was dumbfounded. Heesung frowned.

But Lee Yunwoo was sincere. He genuinely worried that Heesung might die.

“……”

His heart pounded. It was as full as when he kissed Lee Yunwoo.

‘I am weak to Lee Yunwoo. But Lee Yunwoo is also weak to me. Whenever I pretended to be weak, Lee Yunwoo collapsed helplessly.’

Lee Yunwoo was especially weak when Heesung got hurt or was near death. Heesung realized.

Lee Yunwoo felt the same dizzying fear he had felt.

A shiver ran through Heesung’s body. He realized how to handle Lee Yunwoo. It was a great harvest.

Moreover, Lee Yunwoo even waited in front of the bathroom while he showered. Like a puppy with separation anxiety, he clung to him and insisted on sleeping together.

It was a pleasant night.

‘What exactly do I want to do with Lee Yunwoo? What do I want with him?’

‘I want to treat him well. I want Lee Yunwoo to treat me well. I want to look good in Lee Yunwoo’s eyes. I want Lee Yunwoo to worry about me. I want him to keep worrying about me, caring for me, treating me like I’m weak. He must not date anyone else, must not have anyone else around. Because his attention could shift elsewhere. I want to monopolize him. I want to possess him.’

‘What exactly do I want to do?’

His desire was dark and damp. Heesung wanted to keep Lee Yunwoo by his side. Even if he ran away, he wanted to make him come back. He wanted Lee Yunwoo to have no one to rely on but himself…

‘I suppose I’ll have to live in the same house as him.’

After that, he didn’t know. That was a problem to think about then. First, Heesung started scheming ways to live with Lee Yunwoo from that day.

Lee Yunwoo still seemed to waver. He couldn’t understand why, but he would treat Heesung well, then fall silent and avoid his eyes. Then he would be nice again. He seemed unable to make up his mind. But that too would improve once they lived together.

However, Lee Yunwoo betrayed Heesung’s expectations again. He hit Heesung in the back of the head, who had believed things would get better.

‘We agreed to go to the same university, but he applied somewhere else and didn’t say a word. Did he think I wouldn’t find out? If he really wanted to hide it, he shouldn’t have acted suspicious. He should have been completely expressionless. Then I wouldn’t have dug into it…’

Still, Heesung waited. With the hope that maybe, he held back and waited for him every day. Like a well-trained dog, he perked up his ears and tried to hear the sound of the door opening.

But Lee Yunwoo said nothing even until the day of the admission results. He finally made Heesung ask with his own mouth.

“Ah, I… I applied for early admission, but my score wasn’t enough…”

If he had been honest even then, Heesung wouldn’t have been this furious.

“I… anyway, I failed. I can’t go to the same university.”

What is Lee Yunwoo thinking? Why is he like this? He was so curious about that head of his that he thought he’d really go crazy.

“Do you know how this feels? Have you ever felt it?”

“……”

“Not answering?”

Heesung had to release this anger. He grabbed him by the collar.

“Why do you get cocky when I’m nice to you? How irritating.”

“Hand, your hand, ugh, let go… please…”

“But even so, it’s good to see your face… I really must like you, right?”

‘I shouldn’t have held back. I should have done everything I wanted. Why did I hold back? Why did I wear clothes that didn’t fit me just to look good in Lee Yunwoo’s eyes? It was unlike me.’

‘Now I’ll really do whatever I want. I think that’s the only way to relieve this urge.’

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