Chapter 47: Rain

Apart from one trip outside to pick up my workbook, I hadn’t stepped a single foot out of the villa. I stayed holed up so long that even Yoon Heesung, who had no sense of tact, noticed.

“Come to think of it, aren’t you going to school?”

“It’s vacation. You don’t even know that because you skip school so much.”

I scolded him outright. Then I thought, oops. Had I spoken to Yoon Heesung that comfortably recently?

But there wasn’t a hint of Heesung getting worked up.

“Even if it’s vacation, there are supplemental classes.”

“…”

“You signed up for them, remember.”

He did know. Anyway, supplemental classes are something you sign up for; it didn’t matter if I skipped. I put down the problem I was solving and spoke to Heesung, who was sitting across the table.

“I told the homeroom teacher I can’t go.”

“Why? Too scared to go outside because of those men?”

“…”

If only I were too scared to go outside because of those men. I almost corrected him: it’s because I’m worried about you. But I held back.

“…I guess so. I can’t go out because I’m scared.”

I said it in a voice as small as an ant. It was better to let him think I was scared of people.

I still hadn’t sorted out my feelings about Heesung. Heesung had no idea that what he did was wrong. I was both grateful to him and scared of him. The conflicting feelings kept throwing me off balance.

Heesung made a hmm sound and tilted his head. He closed the workbook he’d been flipping through carelessly with a snap.

“Did my words upset you? I’m just asking because there’s no other reason you’d be here.”

“Would I get upset over something like that… I’m not upset.”

When Heesung, who never feared anything, checked on my feelings like that, I felt like I was floating in the air and, at the same time, being shoved into the ground.

“Yunwoo, I have to go out today.”

“You? Where?”

Yoon Heesung was just as cooped up at home as I was. He was the type to skip school left and right in the first place. And the answer came from a place I hadn’t expected.

“The hospital.”

“Hospital…? I’ll go with you.”

At that, I closed my book as if I was about to follow him out. I did it without thinking. It was just that Heesung didn’t seem the type to go to the hospital with the madam, and he didn’t have any other friends besides me. The moment I imagined Heesung going to the hospital alone, my stomach suddenly churned. My head hurt at the thought of him getting treated by himself with that bandaged hand, and it made me angry for no reason to picture him alone in the crowd of people going in and out of the hospital.

And Heesung acted innocent.

“Are you scared to be home alone?”

“…”

The misunderstanding kept growing out of control. Still, I didn’t feel like correcting it. I nodded. Whatever. For now, Heesung could think whatever he wanted.

Living with Heesung like this… adapting to a new daily rhythm wasn’t hard at all. Neither was the trip to the university hospital, far away, or following at his side doing errands and taking care of all sorts of chores. None of it was hard.

To be honest, these days I wanted to hug even Heesung’s flaws. Not just because he got hurt because of me. If he really was all bad, it’d be easier to hate him. But he wasn’t like that. I liked him so much that my death wish faded… I wanted to pretend everything that had happened never happened. I wanted to act like it was all nothing and get along with him the way we used to.

Then I would inevitably hate myself again.

This kept repeating.

Even with the short summer vacation ending and the new term nearly here, Heesung still hadn’t had his stitches out. He kept the gauze on.

“This?”

“Yeah.”

“Want more?”

“No.”

Heesung eating the side dishes I put on his rice always looked awkward. Come to think of it, I already dried his hair for him, so putting a few side dishes on his plate was nothing. But it still made me squirm.

Was that why that familiar question came out? “You’re coming to school the day after tomorrow, right? School starts then.”

When we were together at the villa, all the complicated things between us disappeared. Sometimes it felt like they had never happened. It was like going back to the days when I worried about Heesung not fitting in at school and he would give in and show up because of me.

But none of that was true. It couldn’t be. In the first place, Heesung hadn’t been bullied; he just stopped going on his own… I forced down the memories that surged up from below again.

“I don’t think I’ll go.”

Heesung said nonchalantly.

“I used to not go to school when you came here, and I would go when you didn’t.”

I asked if he’d come to school, and he answered with something completely different.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I came to school to see you.”

“…”

I couldn’t find words for a moment, then regained my composure. That wasn’t entirely true in my memory. Or maybe it was. I shook my head, trying to ignore my rattling heart.

“Not always… it wasn’t always like that. You just did whatever you wanted.”

“Or I went because you asked me to.”

Unlike me, flustered, Heesung was calm.

“But I guess you’re not scared of going outside anymore? You used to be scared.”

“…Uh, I’ve gotten used to it. And it doesn’t seem like they’ll come looking for me.”

“Still, stay here. You never know. Even if they don’t find you at school, they might come to the house.”

So that was why he asked something so pointless. Heesung still misunderstood. It had to be my imagination that I saw a hint of worry in him. Maybe he just wanted to laugh at me, pathetic as I was, for not daring to step outside. A person should be consistent. There’s no way someone can be both gentle and violent.

But when Heesung asked, “Should I go the day after tomorrow?” and smiled like a boy when I answered, “…Yeah. I’ll go to school the day after tomorrow,” all my thoughts stopped. I was weak to that smile.

“Let’s go together.”

I kept my mouth shut. It felt like I got the result I wanted but still didn’t break even. But I wasn’t excited anymore. If anything, I felt like I had arrived at a crossroads I couldn’t escape.

True to his nature of only half-listening, Heesung showed up on the first day of school but didn’t come after that. Was it true that he used to come to school to see me? Heesung had no reason to lie, and I didn’t think he would, but… I couldn’t believe it. Because that would mean he actually liked me.

‘Someone who beats people like that wouldn’t know how to like anyone…’

It was a thought that only made me sigh. Today, too, Heesung didn’t come, so my back felt empty. It was because the glare that used to bore into me had vanished.

I stayed at the villa with Heesung. Not because I was afraid those men would come back, but because I was worried about him. He still hadn’t had his stitches out.

Whenever I saw the wound drawn across his palm, I felt like something deep inside me had been stabbed.

Anyway, it was almost time to get the stitches out. They said they’d remove them two weeks after the surgery, so it would be tomorrow or the day after. It felt like so much time had passed, but it was surprising to realize that not even two weeks had gone by.

Whatever. I hoped Heesung would get the bandage off soon. Then my guilt would ease a little, and I’d stop these vain fantasies. Being around Heesung was making me weird too.

Solving problems was my only escape. Good thing the CSAT was right around the corner. I didn’t have to think about anything else.

It was just as afternoon self-study was about to start.

Someone muttered.

“It’s raining.”

As soon as the words ended, a rumbling sound joined the classroom, which had been filled only with the scratch of pencil lead on paper. A flash of light shot through the window, making me blink, and then came the sound of rain that chilled me to the bone.

Swoosh.

Today had been so hot from early morning that I felt like I was being steamed, and the shadows hanging at my feet were as sharp as noon. Still, up until lunch, the weather forecast had no warning. But when fifth period began, the sky turned dark, and by the last period, rain was pouring from the sky.

Hearing the rain, I was in a bind.

‘I don’t have an umbrella…’

This wasn’t rain I could just walk through. It didn’t look like it would stop even if I waited. Everyone else must have had the same thought; they all packed up before afternoon self-study started.

“Anyone have an umbrella?”

“Me.”

“Let’s share.”

The kids left the classroom in small groups. They went out one by one, and before long, I was the only one left.

What should I do. After thinking for a moment in the dark classroom even with the lights on, I first contacted the one person who would be waiting for me.

[Me] I don’t have an umbrella, so I’ll do afternoon self-study and head over.

Normally I went straight to the villa without doing self-study, but today was an exception.

The number 1 next to the message disappeared right away. I waited for a reply.

“…”

But no answer came.

Did that mean okay? I flipped my phone over on the desk.

“Yunwoo, are you by yourself? Did the other guys all go?”

“Yes.”

“The CSAT isn’t far away, and they’re all gone.”

The homeroom teacher, who had come in halfway through, clicked his tongue at the empty classroom and left. He probably wasn’t going to proctor a room with just me. Being alone in a classroom filled only with the sound of rain felt a little eerie.

I forced myself to focus on the problems and passed the time.

But the rain didn’t stop even after afternoon self-study ended.

“…”

For a while I stared out the window, waiting for the rain to ease, but it was hopeless. If I held out any longer, I’d end up walking in the rain anyway, so I got up.

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