Chapter 23: The Weight of Affection

‘Does he wear cologne?’

My thoughts drifted from the unexpected visitor to Yoon Heesung’s room. With Yoon Heesung gone, it was an opportune moment to explore every corner.

I decided to start by looking for any cologne he might use.

‘No bottles or anything visible…’

There was no cologne, yet this was the only space in the annex that truly felt lived-in. Even the book sprawled on the floor beneath the sofa contributed to this impression. Perhaps he had tossed it aside in frustration before leaving; it lay open and face down.

I picked up the book. I smoothed out the pages that had been creased by the floor and began reading from where Yoon Heesung had left off.

However, the words simply wouldn’t register.

It was a foreign novel, for one, and the character names were excessively long. Moreover, I had never cultivated a habit of reading books. While an avid reader might infer the beginning even when starting midway, I was not so skilled.

Even skipping the narration entirely and focusing solely on the dialogue proved challenging. It felt like an uninvited guest abruptly thrust into a group of people who already knew each other intimately.

‘…Just like a moment ago.’

The thought of what had just transpired suddenly struck me.

Those two seemed to know each other well, and I had been summarily dismissed from their presence. What could they have been discussing? What did Yoon Heesung intend to say by sending me in first?

Whatever the reason, for them to come all this way to see Yoon Heesung suggested a closeness beyond ordinary friendship. What exactly was their relationship? Were they friends?

‘Then why didn’t he open the door for them?’

Despite the cool air indoors, my palms grew increasingly clammy.

I remained lost in thought, completely unaware of Yoon Heesung’s return.

“Yunwoo.”

“—Oh, Yoon Heesung. You’re back?”

I fumbled, closing the book I had been reading, and straightened my posture. Yoon Heesung plopped down beside me, and I felt the left side of the sofa dip under his weight.

“……”

His faint smile seemed pale. His complexion, usually so vibrant, appeared unusually drained today. He hadn’t looked this worn out when I saw him in the garden just moments ago, but now he seemed visibly gaunt. Had that person done something to him when they took him away?

As always, Yoon Heesung chose to ask about me rather than confide in me about his own affairs.

“Did you finish school early today?”

“Uh… no.”

The question caught me off guard. Indeed, it would have been strange for him not to ask, given how early I had arrived. I merely parted my lips, unsure of what excuse to offer.

What could I say? That I didn’t want to be at school because he wasn’t there? That instead of wasting time in the classroom, I felt compelled to come see him?

“—Well, that is…”

I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Instead, a lie flashed through my mind, and I uttered it, similar to what I had told my homeroom teacher.

“I felt unwell, so I left early.”

“Unwell? Where?”

“Well, that is, I…”

My voice trailed off. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. Knowing Yoon Heesung, he wouldn’t simply dismiss my claim of feeling unwell; he was too kind for that.

Panicked that my feigned illness would be discovered, I hastily continued my explanation.

“My stomach felt a bit off. I’m fine now. I took some medicine before coming. But why weren’t you at school today?”

“Ah…”

As if my words had just jogged his memory, Yoon Heesung rubbed his eyes with his hand.

“Sorry. I was supposed to go. I’ll go tomorrow.”

“……”

There seemed to be no particular reason for his absence. Should I consider that a relief? I studied Yoon Heesung’s complexion, then impulsively reached out to touch the hair clinging to his forehead with sweat.

‘Can I brush it back? It should be fine, right?’

I carefully touched his forehead with my fingertips. Yoon Heesung’s eyes gently closed, and he even tilted his head towards me. The delicate flutter of his eyelashes felt like unspoken permission, and I freely brushed back his slightly damp hair.

****

The atmosphere grew somewhat awkward after that, so I hesitated, then changed the subject.

“By the way, who was that person from earlier?”

“Just someone I know.”

Yoon Heesung replied indifferently.

“Someone you know? A friend?”

At my words, Yoon Heesung’s face crinkled slightly. He smiled at the same time.

“A friend?”

Yoon Heesung mimicked my question, as if irritated by the absurdity but also finding it amusing. Then, he slowly shook his head from side to side.

“That’s not it.”

“……”

“They’re my cousin.”

His voice carried no malice or hatred, merely a tone of annoyance and weariness.

Did Yoon Heesung dislike them? Yet, it seemed unlikely for a cousin to travel all the way to this rural area unless they were quite close. I pressed on.

“Even so, for them to come all the way here to see you, aren’t you close?”

“Yunwoo, Yeon Hoyoung only comes here because there’s something in it for them.”

Yoon Heesung was resolute, and at the same time, he seemed a little agitated. Until now, he had only referred to them as “that person,” but for the first time, the name ‘Yeon Hoyoung’ had slipped out.

‘So their name is Yeon Hoyoung.’

Yoon Heesung clamped his lips shut, as if he no longer wished to speak about it. His attitude felt rather aggressive, prompting me to fall silent as well. I wasn’t brave enough to ask what he, or rather Yeon Hoyoung, had discussed.

After a prolonged silence, Yoon Heesung abruptly asked something utterly preposterous.

“Yunwoo. Are you curious about Yeon Hoyoung?”

His voice was low, dark, and sticky. His swamp-like eyes, devoid of any hint of humor, pierced through me. They seemed to probe every facet of my being, to capture even the most subtle changes and delve deep, as if to read my every thought—it was relentless.

However, I also perceived another emotion in his gaze. I detected a nervousness that Yoon Heesung had failed to conceal.

“……”

A small fragment of emotion revealed by Yoon Heesung made my spirits lift. My pleasantly thumping heart gently knocked against my chest, as if indicating its rightful place.

Yoon Heesung truly had no idea that he was the only one I was curious about. I had left school early and come all the way here just to see him. I had not an ounce of interest in Yeon Hoyoung. After all, they were just someone I had met for the first time today.

Perhaps Yoon Heesung misinterpreted my immediate lack of response, as he prompted me once more.

“Do you want to know about Yeon Hoyoung?”

“Since they know you, I suppose I’m a little curious,” I said evasively. I couldn’t very well say that I was even more curious and wanted to know everything because they were his cousin. It was impossible to truthfully confess that I was curious about everything concerning him.

It was then.

Yoon Heesung buried his head in my shoulder. Warm, soft skin pressed against my shoulder. My startled body jolted, or perhaps it was my heart that jolted. I didn’t know where to put my hands, so I kept my arms awkwardly raised as I listened to Yoon Heesung speak.

“Yunwoo. Don’t be curious about them.”

Yoon Heesung uncharacteristically spoke at length.

“They’re just a guy who grew up without a mother and is desperate for affection from his aunt. Just a nuisance.”

“Did you just fight with them? What’s wrong?”

I threw out a joke to try and ease the awkward atmosphere, but it didn’t land. Yoon Heesung spoke even more firmly than before.

“Lee Yunwoo. I said don’t be curious about them.”

“……”

Was this a form of childishness? I was a little surprised, but certainly not displeased. What was the best thing to say in such a situation? I pondered this, then placed a hand on the back of Yoon Heesung’s head, stroking his soft hair. With my other hand, I gently rubbed his back. As if on instinct, Yoon Heesung’s arm wrapped around my waist, tightly but not painfully.

I found myself naturally accepting Yoon Heesung’s touch.

“It’s annoying. Why did they come down for no reason…”

Each time Yoon Heesung spoke, his breath brushed against my shoulder. Suddenly, Yoon Heesung felt vulnerable. Even though he was bigger than me, in this moment, he seemed so…

‘His family has its own complex stories, too.’

Lee Sunwoo and my mother came to mind, and I felt a pang of empathy. I had come to Yoon Heesung seeking comfort, yet seeing him so weakened, I found myself wanting to comfort him instead. I wished Yoon Heesung would lean on me. Just as he leaned on my shoulder now, I wished he would rely on me. This feeling was new to me. Thanks to Yoon Heesung, I was experiencing many things for the first time.

“I won’t be curious. Not at all.”

“—Really?”

“Yeah, really. Not at all. They’re just someone I saw for the first time, what would I be curious about?”

As I spoke, his ragged breathing softened slightly. It felt as though I was taming some wild creature, and the absurd thought made me involuntarily chuckle. Even so, I didn’t stop caressing his hair.

Yoon Heesung suddenly lifted his head and looked at me.

“—Why?”

“Why what?”

I asked, bewildered, as Yoon Heesung stared at me without blinking, then repeated his question.

“Why do you do that for me? Whatever I ask?”

“……”

My hand paused. His question had struck a nerve. However, Yoon Heesung, seemingly unaware of what he had done, merely shifted his gaze before burying his face back into my shoulder. Then, with one hand, he firmly gripped my wrist. The way he placed my hand back on the back of his head indicated that he wanted me to continue stroking his hair. That action, too, made Yoon Heesung appear infinitely vulnerable.

‘I thought he had everything…’

Yoon Heesung also possessed a fragile side. And I wanted to fill that void within him. As I had once thought, giving affection seemed just as important as receiving it. When I gave something to Yoon Heesung, my own deficiencies were met. Instead of feeling emptied, I felt replenished. The desire to do anything for Yoon Heesung stemmed from that.

So, while I didn’t understand why Yoon Heesung didn’t want me to be curious, there was no reason not to do as he wished. I wanted to do everything he asked. That was my affection.

“Well, because you asked me to, I guess…”

Confessing the truth made me inexplicably nervous. I repeatedly licked my lips. Finding it difficult to say anything more, I continued to stroke Yoon Heesung’s back and caress his hair.

Did he understand what I meant, even a little? But Yoon Heesung said nothing further, lost in his own thoughts.