Chapter 29: The Weight of Expectations

It wasn’t that I was upset my mother spent less money on me. Had she only shown me a sliver more of her affectionate concern, things might never have come to this.

If Lee Sunwoo had attended school diligently, Mother would undoubtedly have wondered about his college aspirations. She would have inquired about his interests, perhaps even his desired profession. The only reason she hadn’t was because Lee Sunwoo had utterly forsaken his studies. Yet, if I were Lee Sunwoo, rather than myself… none of this would be happening.

My mother’s chilling words abruptly severed my train of thought.

“Are you and Sunwoo the same?”

Conversely, a sudden flush of heat surged through my skin, as if it were burning. No retort escaped my parted lips. My mother abruptly rose from her seat.

“Sunwoo is kind. He’s so kind it makes him seem foolish. Do you think he’s covered in greed like you are? You know our family’s circumstances, yet you’re the one who still wants to go to college! Do you think I don’t know you look down on Sunwoo just because you’re a little good at studying?”

“……”

“You think you’re the best, don’t you? You’re nothing. Just because you’ve worked a few part-time jobs, you think you understand how the world works? You still know nothing about the world!”

“……”

“Sunwoo doesn’t treat you like a younger sibling because you don’t treat him like an older brother!”

My words were further choked back. I had no idea my mother harbored such thoughts.

I never imagined my appearance would be perceived as greed by her. I had not the slightest inkling that it would become a dividing line, separating Lee Sunwoo and me.

My mother sighed, as if trying to calm herself, then jabbed a finger into my chest, her eyes narrowing sharply.

“I’ve put up with it until now because I didn’t want to fight with you. Because you always flare up whenever your brother is mentioned.”

She sighed once more, then spoke in a lowered tone.

“…You’re not leaving right away. So stop it now. I’m tired and exhausted from fighting with you.”

My mind overflowed with questions. Why had she only told me now, when they were clearly leaving soon, even if not immediately? What conversations had she been having with Lee Sunwoo all this time? What trouble had Lee Sunwoo caused, and what mess was she cleaning up now? Where else were they going? When were they leaving? What would they do there?

And was it truly alright to leave me behind?

“……”

…What about me?

I had followed them all this way. What was I supposed to do if they told me to stay here alone?

To my mother, Lee Sunwoo was everything. Perhaps it was a fate predetermined from the moment of my birth. Lee Sunwoo had already claimed it all, leaving me destined to grasp not even the smallest fragment.

“…Lee Yunwoo! Hey! Where are you going!”

The crushing despair, like being cast into an empty void with nothing to cling to, forced me to flee outside. A sense of déjà vu washed over me at my own actions.

_Bang!_ The sound of the door slamming echoed, as if it would tear my eardrums.

With every step I took, hot wind rushed against my face. In the dark night, the air was heavy and damp. It felt humid and melancholy. Breathing in the thick, salty air, I almost wished I would suffocate right there.

Sharp words exchanged linger long in memory. The moment you think you’ve forgotten them, they resurface. Time does not erode them. A grim certainty settled over me: my mother’s words today would be etched deeply within me, especially her question, ‘Are you and Lee Sunwoo the same?’ It felt as though I would remember it for a very long time.

And so, I stood before the sea once more.

I lifted my head. The inky, boundless ocean occupied half the world. A sudden realization struck me: the way the waves rushed towards the shore, swelling their bodies to threaten an opponent, resembled an animal.

Only then did I understand. I wasn’t afraid of the sea. Nor was I afraid of the night. I was afraid of the waves. The sight of the vast, open sea, with nowhere to lean or hold onto, threatening to swallow half the world, suddenly filled me with dread, just as it had once before.

How was I supposed to live and survive in that? How could I carry on when I was battered and tormented from every side? How could I endure when there was nowhere to lean and nothing to grasp?

It felt as though that vastness held countless people like me. People who, like me, had stumbled and swayed, ultimately giving up on life.

“……”

My voice didn’t sound like my own. I wished it weren’t. The lukewarm sensation trickling down my cheek was ticklish, making me shiver. When I rubbed my face with my palm, a damp stickiness clung to my hand.

The darkening world remained the same, whether my eyes were closed or open. Even with my eyes open, I couldn’t discern what lay an inch ahead. It felt as though I would never meet anyone who would prioritize me.

“…Ah.”

Then, a coolness brushed my ankle. The wave that had surged forward to awaken me instantly receded and dispersed. I stared blankly as the fragmented ripples reformed into a dark mass. White foam traced a distorted, closed curve. Its edges glowed faintly, but the inside was as black as if someone had filled it with ink.

It was at that very moment that someone’s eyes came to mind.

Despite being the one who had pushed him away, pushed him away with a fleeting remark from my homeroom teacher, I shamelessly thought of Yoon Heesung.

Yet, Yoon Heesung was the only person I could turn to at this moment.

“……”

It felt as though someone had offered me a glass of water while I was adrift in the vast ocean. A thread of light pierced through the murky darkness. A cool corner of my chest warmed. I swallowed, like someone who had made a profound discovery.

I must go to Yoon Heesung.

I, too, had a place to rely on. The homeroom teacher’s words no longer mattered. Such a speck of dust could not tarnish Yoon Heesung.

Possessed, I quickened my pace, then began to run. I didn’t stop along the coastal path or on the uphill road leading to the villa, my legs pumping relentlessly.

Passing through the main gate, which was wide open even at night, I ran across the garden. The subtle glow of the lights beneath my feet made me feel disoriented. Just as I began to wonder if this was a dream or reality, I reached the annex.

Though the door would likely open if I simply pushed it, I deliberately rang the doorbell. Knowing that Yoon Heesung wouldn’t refuse me… I found my own behavior amusing, ringing the bell out of a desire not to be disliked.

And such self-deprecation vanished completely the moment I saw Yoon Heesung’s face.

“Didn’t you say you were studying at home today?”

As he said this, opening the door wide, Yoon Heesung provided me with a certain… sense of fulfillment. He didn’t ask why I had come at this hour. He simply welcomed me.

I, who had been battered and tattered, recovered as if I had enjoyed a long sleep and a delicious meal.

The night had settled, dark and still. In that quiet, only my breathing was ragged. I managed to calm my breath and opened my mouth.

“Yoon Heesung, I…”

“Yes.”

Just his faint smile, welcoming me, was enough to fill every void.

Yoon Heesung answered dutifully, as always. As if to show he was listening intently. It was one of Yoon Heesung’s habits.

I ran my tongue over my parched mouth, then asked, “Can I sleep over tonight?”

“Of course.”

The answer came immediately, very quickly. He didn’t ask what had happened.

“Come in.”

As if he already knew everything. Yoon Heesung asked nothing of me, who had shown up unannounced. I was certain it was consideration, not indifference.

As I stepped into the dark first floor, the door closed heavily behind me. A strange sense of relief washed over me, though I couldn’t explain why. I could only attribute this peculiar feeling to Yoon Heesung being my first friend, the first person I had ever truly relied on.

The interior was pleasantly cool, as always. It felt as if this place existed in a different season.

Guided by the faint light descending from the second floor, I passed through the first. Concerned I might stumble, Yoon Heesung lightly grasped my arm as we ascended the stairs.

When I expressed a desire to wash, Yoon Heesung readily agreed, even providing pajamas.

“Wash up and wear these.”

“Are they yours?”

“No. I bought them for you.”

I almost said, ‘Why did you buy something like this…’ but stopped myself. I took the pajamas and headed to the bathroom. Despite having frequented this villa so often, this was my first time washing here, and my first time entering this particular room.

The bathroom, like the living room, had a large window, but it was meticulously covered by curtains. I was curious what sight would unfold if I drew them back, but I didn’t bother. Not just the curtains, but everything seemed too delicate to touch carelessly. In the end, I abandoned the round bathtub and went to the shower booth.

The showerhead had so many attachments that I didn’t know where to start. I began by taking off my clothes. ‘If I press something, water will come out, right?’ I thought, casually hanging my shed clothes like a husk on the shelf. It was then, as I stood beneath the showerhead again, that a knock sounded.

_Knock, knock._

“Yunwoo.”

“Huh?”

I jumped, startled, and answered. Yoon Heesung’s voice came from just beyond the door.

“Do you need anything else?”

“……”

Perhaps because the door was between us, his voice seemed even lower than usual. Had I locked the door? I was completely undressed and had nothing to cover myself with. Fearing Yoon Heesung might enter if I delayed my answer, I hastily called out.

“Oh, no, I’m fine.”

“Alright. Then I’ll go wash up too.”

Fortunately, his presence soon disappeared. So that’s why he came. I felt sheepish, realizing my tension had been unnecessary. And what if he had seen my body? We were both guys, and friends.

‘Friends…’

I muttered inwardly, then turned on the shower. The body wash had a familiar scent. I brought the foam close to my nose, sniffing it. It was the scent I always noticed on Yoon Heesung. All this time, I’d thought he wore cologne and had idly lingered near his desk, but it was his shower products all along.