Chapter 41: The Weight of a Broken Heart

Regardless of the circumstances, such treatment felt utterly wretched.

Unlike with Mother, I couldn’t simply resign myself to despair. The words ‘do as you please’ refused to even form in my thoughts.

I couldn’t fathom why. It was hard enough to understand others’ hearts, but my own remained a baffling enigma.

‘You hit me too. That’ll fix it, right?’

Moreover, for him to tell me to hit him—did he truly believe that would resolve anything?

That was one of the reasons Yoon Heesung had become so terrifying. I had only ever been hit; I had never struck anyone. The realization that Yoon Heesung was capable of hitting others was so… alien and frightening. I truly felt that he was a person entirely different from me, and it left me feeling utterly helpless.

My heart felt heavy, as if weighed down by a tangible object, making each step arduous. I dragged my feet almost literally as I made my way to school.

I didn’t stop by home. It was a stroke of immense luck that I had brought my bag with me yesterday, having fought as soon as I arrived.

Class time proved better than self-study. Watching the teacher’s lips move, Yoon Heesung faded into the distance. Yet, the moment my concentration wavered, his pale face would resurface in my mind.

Having no intention of returning to the villa, I remained at school all day, skipping dinner. I even completed all the evening self-study sessions. My mind felt more exhausted than my body.

At this point, I couldn’t help but wonder if the fault lay with me.

Yoon Heesung had become a completely different person, and Mother was suddenly leaving for another place. It felt as though everything was somehow my fault.

…But what had I done wrong?

‘Now that I think about it, I never even asked Mother when she was leaving.’

The realization struck me suddenly, but it wasn’t as if she wouldn’t go just because I asked. Since she was leaving anyway, I wondered what good asking would do. She would leave whenever. I no longer expected anything from Mother.

‘I won’t listen to Mother anymore.’

Thinking that Mother had known everything yet still kept me tethered to Yoon Heesung, something inside me boiled. It was a sensation with such a high boiling point that once it began to churn, it wouldn’t cool easily. I felt as though everyone had deceived me.

…Everyone.

Confusion reigned. I didn’t know what stance to take. There was nowhere left to lean.

****

When Saturday morning dawned, Mother left this place, and me, without a trace of regret.

“I’ve changed my number, Mother said. “Contact me here from now on.”

Part of me wondered why she was only telling me such important news at the last minute, but a larger part simply thought, ‘What does it matter?’

Mother, once again, only spoke her mind.

“Treat Heesung well. Take good care of him. I know you haven’t been going to the villa lately, but I didn’t bring it up because I was thinking of you, you know?”

“…”

“That’s a very grateful family. I was originally supposed to leave the day before yesterday, but the madam asked them to postpone it, so I’m going down today. The madam asked them for your sake.”

As I saved the new number, I nodded half-heartedly. Even so, I felt no gratitude whatsoever, and I would certainly no longer go to the villa just because Mother told me to. Whatever she said was useless.

Perhaps because it was the weekend, the terminal was quite crowded. People arriving, people departing, people passing through… Among them, Mother was a departing person, yet she showed not the slightest bit of regret towards me, who had come to see her off. The desperate bond we had shared while living here had vanished, replaced by what almost looked like relief.

But, in truth, I felt the same way.

I, too, felt a sense of relief.

It was a moment of farewell to old, tiresome emotions.

“Mother doesn’t want to ask you for this, but the madam keeps…”

“I get it. I said I understand. How many times do I have to tell you?”

“If anything happens, contact the madam.”

Mother didn’t even bother to say, as a mere formality, to call her. Thanks to that, I felt no guilt at all. I stood rooted to the spot, watching the bus carrying Mother disappear until it was completely out of sight. Only then did I turn around.

This was my farewell. A heart broken once could not be mended. I no longer wished to pour my emotions into Mother. Whether she embraced Lee Sunwoo and plummeted, I would no longer care.

Though the terminal was quite a distance from home, I decided to walk.

Despite not knowing the way well, I walked aimlessly towards the sea. If a path was blocked, I turned back; if a road felt wrong, I changed direction.

Our home might not have been affluent, but it was tolerable. There were times we couldn’t eat what we wanted, couldn’t buy what we desired, and occasionally couldn’t even afford necessities. The house was small, and the sounds from outside always seeped through the windows. Yet, as Mother used to say, if you tried to live, you could always find a way.

‘If you try to live, you can always find a way.’

Poverty merely meant an increase in precautions. It meant treading carefully so worn-out sneakers wouldn’t wear out further, frequently rolling up sleeves so clothes wouldn’t fray quickly, and avoiding putting small items in a bag with a hole in the bottom. By carefully observing and re-observing the warnings etched in my mind, poverty was not unbearable.

I was hardly in a position to comment on our family’s circumstances. To Mother, I was just another parasite, no different from Lee Sunwoo. The only difference was between a parasite Mother cherished and one she didn’t.

‘I want to become an adult quickly. I want to be an adult.’

It had been this way since I was very young.

Even though I was far more mature than Lee Sunwoo, being a minor restricted me in many ways. I couldn’t live alone, and I had to go to school. Finding a part-time job was also difficult. I was lucky enough to secure a job at a study cafe, but the hourly wage was less than the minimum.

However, there was one thing I was good at. I was quite good at studying. It was the one thing I excelled at more than Lee Sunwoo.

Yet, I never quite measured up in Mother’s eyes. She always praised Lee Sunwoo for being masculine—bold, cheerful, and loyal. She would ask if I wouldn’t envy having a friend like him by my side, urging me to make friends like an older brother. Even when she barely covered Lee Sunwoo’s debts with borrowed money, Mother still said such things. She believed a man should have that much courage.

‘He grew up without a father… it breaks Mother’s heart every time she sees him. But you, Yunwoo, you’ve never even seen your father’s face, since he passed before you were born. Sunwoo had a father and then lost him, so even if he doesn’t say anything, his heart must be festering.’

In Mother’s eyes, Lee Sunwoo seemed to be nothing but pitiable.

Perhaps it was because Lee Sunwoo was born before me, or for some other reason. Even knowing he had borrowed money at an abnormal interest rate, even after confirming her name was listed as a guarantor on the contract, Mother still loved Lee Sunwoo. No matter how much better I was at studying than Lee Sunwoo, Mother showed no interest. When I expressed a desire to go to university, far from being proud, she would give me subtle looks, implying I was disregarding our family’s financial situation and acting childish.

Lee Sunwoo received Mother’s approval without doing anything, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. Mother didn’t like me.

What exactly was the difference between Lee Sunwoo and me? Why was it okay for Lee Sunwoo but not for me?

It was a question I had pondered many times.

But now, it no longer mattered.

Mother didn’t need me. And now, I didn’t need Mother either. In my heart, I severed an invisible thread with scissors.

In truth, I think I was always searching not so much for Mother, but for someone who would prioritize me above all else. Anyone, as long as they would put me first. Someone who would cherish and care for me the most. I had realized Mother couldn’t do that, and so I let go.

“It’s so hot…”

By the time I reached home, my face was drenched in sweat.

When would the rain finally come? The weather had seemed to turn foul, but it cleared up quickly. Despite the news constantly announcing the long-delayed monsoon was finally beginning, the scorching heat persisted.

Stepping into the villa offered a cooler respite than outside, but climbing the stairs brought a fresh wave of heat. It was as I reached the fifth floor, panting, that I heard a voice.

“You’re just getting here?”

Just like that nightmarish day long ago, I looked up at him. Yoon Heesung leaned against the entrance to our apartment, legs playfully stretched forward.

With a face of shock, I stammered, “Why… are you… here… at my house…?”

“To pick you up.”

At his matter-of-fact reply, I lowered my head. It was the first time I had seen him since that day. I stared at my feet, then quickly inserted the key into the door. With a click, I replied, feigning indifference.

“…I’m not going to the villa anymore.”

It was then, as I turned the doorknob, that a shadow suddenly fell beside me.

“Yunwoo. Listen to me.”

“…”

It was Yoon Heesung’s shadow.

“I don’t do anything you dislike, so is it really that hard for you to grant me just this one thing?”

He stood with his arms crossed, looking down at me. I swallowed hard, feeling as if a massive wall had appeared before me. He looked familiar, yet simultaneously alien. But he was threatening.

I feared Yoon Heesung might hit me. It was a thought I had never entertained before.

Our house was the very place where Yeon Hoyoung had been beaten so severely. Tensely, I finished turning the doorknob. And Yoon Heesung followed me inside as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Standing in the entryway without even taking off his shoes, Yoon Heesung tapped the floor and commanded me, “We’re going to re-wallpaper the place. They say it’ll take a week, so you’ll stay with me during that time.”

“…”

“How can anyone live in this state?”

Yoon Heesung frowned, looking at the wall next to the entrance as if he was witnessing something utterly grotesque. As he said, the stained wallpaper was dirty and unsightly. It was terrible and disgusting.

But had he forgotten that these were his own marks? A pertinent question arose, but I dared not ask. I didn’t want to get hit.

“…Why would re-wallpapering take a whole week?”

“Just pack your things,” Yoon Heesung replied curtly.

“…”

It wasn’t my first time spending a day or two with Yoon Heesung, nor was it my first time sleeping at the villa… but the prospect of being stuck with him for an entire week felt like a slow, agonizing death. I could vividly picture myself wasting away.

However, the chilling words that followed immediately made me shrink back.