Chapter 38: The Weight of Abandonment

Though the floor was clean, faint stains lingered on the wallpaper.

I forced my gaze upward, fixing my eyes straight ahead as I stepped out the front door.

Yet, the resounding slam of the door sent ripples through my mind. It was as if the calm surface of a pond had shattered, and the splashing droplets made my head ache.

I had put off fixing it indefinitely, reasoning that I wouldn’t live here forever, I was too busy, and repairs would only cost more money. That was why, even as I clicked my tongue at the broken door that refused to close completely without a firm hand, I never bothered to mend it.

‘Would Yeon Hoyoung have been less hurt if I had fixed it sooner?’

Yeon Hoyoung hadn’t answered any of my calls yesterday.

‘He can’t be dead, can he? But he was beaten so badly…’

With every step, it felt as though bloodstains clung to my feet. I took a deep breath as I descended the stairs, simultaneously calling my mother.

–…The call will now be directed to voicemail.

Like Yeon Hoyoung, my mother didn’t answer her phone.

She had also been unreachable since yesterday. Her last message, ‘Mom can’t come home today,’ was all I had received. But while this might alarm me for someone else, my mother had always been the type to make all her decisions independently. I decided to stop worrying about it.

More than anything, it was simply too difficult to keep thinking. I was utterly exhausted. I couldn’t spare the energy to worry about my mother.

My body instinctively remembered the way to school. My feet moved on their own, guiding me directly to my classroom. However, a conflict arose just before I opened the back door. I stood before it, inhaling deeply, much like someone about to plunge into water.

When I finally managed to open the door, Yoon Heesung’s seat was empty, as it had been for the past few days. If he had been there, it would have struck me with a new kind of terror, but Yoon Heesung’s absence also made me feel as though I had reached a dead end.

‘What exactly is Yoon Heesung?’

I had been too quick to pity Yoon Heesung.

‘What kind of person is Yoon Heesung, truly?’

What, then, was the kindness Yoon Heesung had shown me all this time?

Suddenly, I couldn’t bear this situation any longer. It felt as though Yoon Heesung had been toying with me. Had he been mocking me from the very beginning? Why had he deceived me? I had liked him for his kindness, unaware of the person he truly was. The more I thought about it, the more wronged I felt, and the more I detested Yoon Heesung. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be grappling with these agonizing thoughts. My head felt like it would explode.

There was no way I could focus in class. The moment the closing bell rang, I bolted out of the classroom, not even bothering to tell my homeroom teacher I’d be skipping afternoon self-study.

I felt pathetic. Yeon Hoyoung and Park Byungjoo had both told me the truth, so why couldn’t I let go of my lingering attachments? A certain picture had already formed in my mind.

Yet, what was I still hoping for?

A human being, a normal human being, cannot beat another person like that, no matter the reason.

“Hmph, gasp…”

After running for a long time, I stopped my sprint before an uphill slope. I didn’t even know what I was thinking, or why I had run all the way here. I didn’t know what I intended to do, now that I was here. What would I say if I met him? ‘Why did you deceive me?’ ‘Why were you kind to me?’

…Those were truly idiotic questions.

Ultimately, I couldn’t bring myself to go to the villa and trudged back home. When I opened the front door, I was utterly exhausted, as if I had just emerged from a fierce battle. Even a real physical altercation couldn’t have left me feeling this drained.

However, another formidable obstacle awaited me at home.

“…Mom, are you home?”

My mother was there. It wasn’t the time for her to be home, and she hadn’t answered her phone, yet she was here. Slipping off my shoes, I stepped inside.

“What are you doing right now?”

Beyond the sliding door, the room was disheveled with my mother’s few articles of clothing. A large, worn shoulder bag stood in the corner. It was the same bag my mother had used for years, claiming it held several times more than its appearance suggested. She owned no other bag.

“What… is all this? Mom, why didn’t you come home yesterday? Before that, what in the world… are you doing?”

“Yunwoo.”

Now, when my mother called my name, it felt ominous. No other premonition could be as ill-fated.

“Listen to Mom carefully.”

“…”

My mother’s subsequent words floated through my mind like a wrecked ship. They entered my ears and reached my brain, yet I couldn’t comprehend them. I had guessed the moment I saw the scattered belongings and the bag, but I had desperately hoped I was wrong.

“…What does any of that mean?”

“From now on, please take good care of Heesung for me. Especially when the Madam isn’t at the villa, check on him often. Mom’s new job is also thanks to the Madam; she introduced me, so I’m going there…”

“Mom, you said you weren’t going…”

I barely managed to stammer. My mother, her words abruptly cut off, gave me a reproving look.

“I didn’t say I wasn’t going; I said I’d think about it. I went there myself yesterday and signed the contract, so now I can’t back out.”

That was true. It was also true that I hadn’t held much hope when she said she’d think about it. But now, on a day like today, when my insides felt so chaotically ravaged, as if torn apart by a knife, hearing that my mother was also leaving…

I wasn’t trying to be childish. Nor was I being stubborn. It felt like I couldn’t endure being alone, and the thought of my mother also leaving me for another place was unbearable.

“You’re precious to Mom too, Yunwoo. Sunwoo isn’t Mom’s only son. You’re Mom’s son too.”

My mother spoke as if to preemptively block whatever I was about to say.

“Don’t feel resentful. Mom earns money for both of you.”

“…You said they paid enough here. Why do you have to go all the way there?”

“Yunwoo. There are circumstances. Your brother needs to make a living too.”

Now, even my mother’s affectionate tone when calling my name annoyed me. I wished she wouldn’t use my name. I couldn’t understand why she used Lee Sunwoo’s livelihood as an excuse, or why she expected me to understand. I had already anticipated it. Lee Sunwoo only ever contacted our mother when he needed money. There was no way that bastard called her to apologize, was there? He must have asked for money.

But.

“Why do I have to be alone because of Lee Sunwoo?”

My throat tightened.

Loan sharks had set absurd interest rates. On top of that, Lee Sunwoo had signed, listing our mother’s name as guarantor.

The monthly payments they demanded from us were equally incomprehensible, but there was no alternative. These were men who would barge in with their boots, threatening us; common sense wouldn’t prevail. If we refused, they would undoubtedly strike either my mother or me with their enormous, pot-lid-sized hands.

I had watched my mother’s hands tremble as she signed the new document detailing how much we would repay each month, which was why I had agreed when she suddenly said we had to move. I had quietly followed along, even though it meant changing schools abruptly. When my mother couldn’t find work, I worried alongside her. I was terrified that the men’s threats about Lee Sunwoo—’Humans, you know, are more useful than you think. More useful than you think’—could turn towards my mother.

If my mother had said she would go alone back then, I would have nodded without hesitation. My being left alone wasn’t the problem. On the contrary, I would have felt sorry for not being able to help and would have wanted to contribute in any way I could.

The amount they demanded each month was still incomprehensible, but ever since my mother found work at the villa, it was an amount we could manage—meaning it wasn’t so despairing that I’d rather die. Even if our lives were still strained, even if it felt like repaying the debt might take a lifetime.

If my mother had only given the excuse that she wanted to pay off the debt faster, I would have closed my eyes and pretended not to notice. I was confident I could do it, having done it countless times before.

“Why do you keep telling me to be alone?”

“Don’t act like a child. You’re all grown up now.”

“I don’t want to be alone either…”

My mother remained cold, even after hearing the tremor in my voice.

“You said I was your son too…”

“Why are you bringing that up now? You’ll be an adult next year!”

My mother had said I was the same kind of son as Lee Sunwoo, but that was absolutely not true.

Ultimately, I ended up delving into what I had tried so hard to avoid.

“…Mom, why don’t you ask me anything, even after seeing the state of the house?”

Why didn’t my mother worry about me? The house was stained and messy, yet she didn’t ask what had happened. It was as if she already knew everything.

‘Your mom works there, right? The rumors were rampant, didn’t your mom tell you anything beforehand?’

When I argued with Park Byungjoo, he said he had approached me because he knew my mother worked at the villa. He had asked if my mother hadn’t told me anything.

Could my mother have heard nothing about Yoon Heesung’s rumors while working at the villa? Even knowing that Yoon Heesung’s older brother and sister were working abroad? Did my mother truly know nothing? And if she didn’t know, did she tell me to get close to Yoon Heesung anyway?

I arrived at the inevitable conclusion.

‘That can’t be right.’

This meant, in the end, that my mother knew everything and still pushed me to get along with Yoon Heesung. Yoon Heesung was strange. He was, in many ways, very strange. For a person to beat someone like that was not normal. And my mother had pushed me to befriend such a Yoon Heesung.

My mother sighed heavily at my words.

“Don’t make things difficult for me, Yunwoo. You stay here.”

“…”

My desire to follow her, my question about why she wasn’t curious about the mess in the house—these were what made things difficult for her.

My mother added weight to my conclusion, making it unbearably heavy.

I decided to let go of everything now.

“Fine, go. When have you ever listened to me anyway?”

“Yunwoo.”

“Do whatever you want, Mom.”

I turned and walked out to the entrance. With each step down the stairs, each floor I descended, an odd constriction in the center of my chest made breathing difficult, as if my chest were expanding. I felt as though my body might explode with a great roar at any moment.