Chapter 50: Fever

But I had no energy left to argue. I nodded vaguely and followed Yoon Heesung, who walked ahead.

I couldn’t think of anything else to do, so I lay down on the bed at once.

Yoon Heesung lay down beside me and turned off the light. The room went dark in an instant.

I turned over to face him.

When I was with Yoon Heesung, I wouldn’t drift away. I could lean on him whenever I wanted. He was the one who put me first.

But I didn’t know the direction. I didn’t know which way my life was flowing.

I felt like I was turning strange too.

Yeah. Being next to Yoon Heesung made me feel like I was turning strange. Like I’d end up ignoring even the things any normal person should have.

My head was a mess. I felt feverish too. My limbs were heavy and damp. I still felt like I was being swept by waves.

I flailed a few more times, then decided to give up for today. Too much had happened. Being swept along is easier than fighting the current. Today, I’d just let myself be swept.

Yeah, Yoon Heesung was startled too. It was probably his first time having an umbrella blow into the sea, so he panicked. That’s why he jumped in.

He probably regretted it afterward. And with me jumping in after him, he was even more startled, so…

“…”

But contrary to my thinking, my insides didn’t settle easily. I forced the restless feelings down and swallowed them.

Someone was playing with my hair. They pushed it behind my ears and peeled off the strands stuck to my forehead. The ticklish touch felt good. Even though my forehead was burning, the body heat against my skin was welcome.

But the warm touch couldn’t stop the pain ringing inside my skull. Why did it hurt so much? Did I get hit in the head yesterday? Why did it hurt this much…

The answer came before long.

I caught a cold again…

Whenever I caught a cold, it always started with my head. Then came the fever and the sore throat. Mom used to say I was just like Lee Sunwoo. That I took after him perfectly in that regard. As if she was glad I resembled Lee Sunwoo even that way.

“…”

Another sharp throb hit my head, and I frowned. I felt the fingertips on me hesitate. A wide palm pressed against my forehead, then pulled away at once. I heard footsteps walk off, and before long, something cool touched my forehead. Then something like a wet cloth wiped my neck.

Was it Mom? But Mom wasn’t the kind of person to nurse me like this.

Besides, Mom wasn’t here anymore…

I wanted to open my eyes and check, but I didn’t have the strength to lift my eyelids. My consciousness drifted along aimlessly like water. Tangled, unorganized memories floated up.

There was a time, back when I was foolishly waiting for Mom at home, when she got angry at me instead. She told me to go to the pharmacy and buy some medicine rather than lying around like that.

She said she was exhausted from coming home late too, and asked if I thought she could put up with this on top of that. She said her wrists hurt like they were about to fall off, and asked if she had to wait on me as well.

I just listened to the nagging, sweating cold sweat.

After that, I took care of my own medicine. I never told Mom I was sick first. When the seasons changed, I’d get sick once like clockwork, but Mom probably never knew.

Now that I think about it, when was the last time I caught a cold… I think it was after we moved.

Right. It was when Im Namwoo was tormenting me. I went into the cold seawater like an idiot and got really sick.

Back then, I actually thought it was a relief to be sick. A relief that I couldn’t go to school.

Because I really didn’t want to go to school.

I hated Im Namwoo’s gang for harassing me, but I also hated the classmates who just watched and did nothing, and the homeroom teacher too. And I hated myself for pretending to be fine so they wouldn’t see through me.

Even while acting indifferent, I was desperately wishing someone would help me. Anyone.

That’s why Yoon Heesung, who appeared out of nowhere, was so wonderful.

So wonderful, but…

It was nothing, but tears started to well up. I’m not the kind of person who cries over things like this. I’m old enough by now. Still, my eyes burned hot. I sniffled.

“…”

The hand wiping my cheek froze in an instant. I rubbed my face against the palm of whoever it was, asking for more wiping, more touching.

As if it understood, the hand began to stroke me gently. I felt good again. The tears went away.

Then a quiet voice spoke.

‘This is just like the old days.’

I could tell who it was right away. It was the voice I liked.

And I became certain this was a dream. Because Yoon Heesung would never say something like that. It seemed I was dreaming this because I longed to go back to the past. Still, just in case, really just in case, I reached up and grabbed his right hand.

No bandages.

It really was a dream.

“…”

Even though I’d thought it was a dream, even though I knew it was, confirming it like that made me bitter.

Yoon Heesung had hit Yeon Hoyoung. Not just hit him. He’d beaten him to a pulp. He’d hit Kim Youngseok too. And Im Namwoo.

He wasn’t someone I could casually feel a kinship with. He was someone I should be afraid of.

Yoon Heesung wasn’t afraid of getting hurt, and he wasn’t afraid of hurting people either. He was stranger than kids like Im Namwoo. Like Yeon Hoyoung said, he seemed to have lost his mind.

The Yoon Heesung who was enough just by being next to me was gone now. I was scared of him, then I liked him, then I was scared again.

But…

Just like how I thought I couldn’t lose to Im Namwoo while also feeling relieved to be sick and relieved not to go to school, I was holding opposite feelings at the same time again. I could list a hundred reasons to distance myself from Yoon Heesung, but I could also list a hundred reasons to stay close to him.

I couldn’t let go of my attachment.

Yoon Heesung was clearly strange, but I didn’t dislike him. The problem was that I didn’t dislike him at all.

I wanted to protect Yoon Heesung and keep him by my side. Even if the whole world turned its back on us, I thought I’d be fine as long as he was next to me. Even if I had to shatter every standard inside me, I’d be fine as long as he was here.

Is there anyone else in the world besides Yoon Heesung who would hurt his own hand to save me? Is there anyone else who would come pick me up with an umbrella when it rains…

I sniffled once more.

I thought I heard someone beside me nagging, ‘You have to eat.’ I think I answered, ‘I want to sleep a little more.’ A large hand patted my chest at my whining. It accepted all my fussing.

“You’re awake?”

“…”

“Still hurting?”

I lifted my sore eyelids. Every time I blinked, my lashes trembled and drew hazy lines across my vision. My head was foggy, like I’d just woken from a long sleep. It took a moment to realize what was happening.

I was still lying in Yoon Heesung’s bed, and something thicker than the summer blanket I usually used was wrapped up to my chin.

While staying at the villa, I learned for the first time that you could use different blankets by season. At home, I had a single blanket. If it was hot, I didn’t cover myself. If it was cold, I wore extra clothes and slept under it.

The airy summer blanket had been as alien to my life as Yoon Heesung, but it had grown so familiar that a thick blanket now felt strange.

It wasn’t hot. The air conditioner was on low, so my back was lightly damp with sweat, but my feverish face was cool.

And from beside me came a familiar scent. Yoon Heesung was watching me intently, dressed neatly as always.

He couldn’t hold it in for long and asked again.

“Still hurting?”

“…”

I hesitated before opening my mouth. My mouth was parched, like a drought. I started to speak but just shook my head. Even if I forced a reply, the words probably wouldn’t come out nicely.

Whose fault is all this…

Yesterday I was so anxious I felt like I’d die if I didn’t keep my eyes on him. Now that I’d calmed down, I was a bit angry. Yoon Heesung was the one who pulled that insane stunt like it was nothing, but I was the one holding all the anxiety.

“Take your medicine and sleep.”

When Yoon Heesung, who had given me worries painful enough to make my head throb, said something sensible, something any ordinary person would say, it was somehow funny. So he did know how to talk like that. A grin slipped out before I knew it.

“…”

Yoon Heesung’s face twisted at once. He grabbed my wrist and jumped up.

“Let’s go to the hospital.”

“No, no.”

I waved my hand.

“I’ll take the medicine. Give it to me.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m really fine. But your hand…”

But the hand holding out the medicine had nothing on it. No bandage, no gauze. When I made a puzzled face, Yoon Heesung explained.

“I went during the day and got it removed.”

“…What time is it now?”

“5:30.”

He wiggled his hand lightly. The half-healed wound was visible.

I had fallen asleep as if I’d lost consciousness, and a whole day had passed into evening. Yoon Heesung said he’d gone in the morning and had the stitches out.

I almost said, “You should have woken me so we could go together,” but I swallowed the words back down with the medicine. I ignored the stubborn, persistent gaze at my side and closed my eyes again. Yoon Heesung let out a sigh.

“I’ll wake you for dinner. Rest.”

“…”

“Eat something then, too.”

Yoon Heesung spoke in a calm, gentle voice and got off the bed. He didn’t leave. I heard him sit down on the sofa nearby. He was probably going to read a book or something.

I opened my eyes a crack and looked up at the ceiling. Maybe the medicine hadn’t kicked in yet, or maybe I’d slept enough, but I wasn’t sleepy at all.

Suddenly, tears streamed down my temples. Was it because I was sick, or because of the thoughts I’d carried even while wandering through my dreams? My heart felt weak.

Thinking it was a relief that Yoon Heesung was at a distance, I couldn’t even wipe my tears and let them keep streaming.

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