Chapter 35: On the Wrong Side of Want

“Ah.”

A short sound slipped from Han-geon’s mouth.

He’d understood Eun-gyeol’s words a beat too late.

“…Th-that’s not what I meant.

I just—well, if you need suppressants or something… Or even if it’s not that, I could at least buy you daily necessities….”

His ears felt like they were about to burst.

Even as he spoke, Han-geon cursed himself internally.

Of course Cha Eun-gyeol wouldn’t mean it that way either, you idiot.

And yet, while rambling like that, the fact that he stubbornly brought up the word suppressants made him feel pathetic and ugly.

“Suppressants?”

Eun-gyeol smiled a little.

The moment Han-geon saw that smile, his fist clenched on its own.

His fingernails dug into his palm, cutting into the hardened skin.

Maybe—just maybe—his pitch-black thoughts had shown through a little.

Behind the perfectly reasonable wish for Eun-gyeol to get through his rut safely and return in good condition, there’d been something else hiding.

A truer feeling: that he wanted, even just a little, to prevent Eun-gyeol from spending that time with someone else.

Faced with that real desire coiled inside him like a black snake, Han-geon shuddered quietly in self-loathing.

Disgusting.

He admitted it.

But ever since he’d started this unrequited love, there hadn’t been a single moment when his feelings were pure or upright.

Maybe this was what unrequited love was like.

Something shamefully insidious and secretive—sometimes turning ugly, like now.

So terrified of getting hurt that feelings which should never take priority end up placed on the scale alongside the safety and well-being of the person you love.

Eun-gyeol spoke calmly.

“I don’t think I’ll need anything like that.”

It was a clean, definitive statement, without any added explanation.

A verdict that said: just accept it.

Eun-gyeol stood firmly on a line Han-geon couldn’t cross—neither as a friend nor as a manager.

The flood of thoughts stopped.

In their place, his heart collapsed inward, turning into a complete mess.

Unable to gather up his scattered emotions, Han-geon just stared blankly ahead.

Eun-gyeol raised his glass and tilted his head back.

The clear liquid passed over his red lips and disappeared cleanly down his throat.

“Hey.”

Forcing himself to ignore the ruins inside his chest, Han-geon barely managed to speak.

“When your… rut comes… you, um…”

His throat tightened midway, and he cleared it once.

“…Who do you spend it with?”

The pounding of his heart traveled all the way to his fingertips.

The dull thudding felt almost like bleeding.

The unpleasant reverberation throughout his body brought on a sudden wave of nausea.

It felt unreal that just moments ago he’d been drinking comfortably.

He clenched his fist and waited silently for an answer.

After slowly rolling his eyes in thought, Eun-gyeol chuckled.

“Not sure.

I don’t really have a fixed partner for that.”

“…Have you ever been with a male omega?”

Feelings that had been nurtured for far too long sometimes sprang back to life like sentient creatures, acting on their own.

On days like that, Han-geon couldn’t even pull the brakes on himself.

He couldn’t stop, couldn’t turn back—he just kept charging forward, even knowing he’d get hurt.

“…Like, one who’s muscular… big-built… Have you ever been with an omega like that?”

Why had he asked something like that?

What kind of answer was he even hoping for?

Whether Eun-gyeol had or hadn’t, the result would be the same—he’d be fatally wounded.

The only difference was whether it’d be a knife or a spear.

Still, one of those possibilities was enough to plant a pointless, hollow, painfully sad hope in Han-geon’s heart.

Something like someday—a belief he could never reveal to Eun-gyeol.

That was why he feared the answer and yet hoped for it at the same time.

“A muscular, big-built omega? …Haha.”

But the answer that came out of Eun-gyeol’s mouth—

“Just imagining that makes me feel f*cking sick.”

—didn’t just mock Han-geon; it grabbed him by the collar and slammed him into the ground.

“Why would you suddenly ask that?

Did you feel like introducing one to me or something?”

“……”

“If that’s the case, I’ll pass.

Not my type.”

Eun-gyeol’s eyes widened slightly, like someone who’d just heard something they really didn’t want to hear, then settled back into calm.

Holding his glass loosely, the smile at his lips was refreshingly bright.

“I’m tired.

Should we head back?”

Standing in front of him, with a heart burned black and buried under ashes, Han-geon had no choice but to nod in silence.

“…Yeah.”

His voice came out strangely thick.

The reality that he still had to make sure he didn’t look too depressed—even now—filled him with disgust, but there was nothing he could do about it.

Maybe this was what it meant to be Eun-gyeol’s manager.

The pay was good, the conditions were good, the work itself was good—but even as Eun-gyeol casually wielded a blade and stabbed his heart, making it bleed, Han-geon had to accept it as something natural.

Happiness and despair were frighteningly close together—like two sides of the same coin.

And the one flipping that coin was always Eun-gyeol.

With a single gesture from him, Han-geon’s position could swing between extremes in an instant.

His eyes opened on their own.

When he raised his wrist to check the time, it was just shy of six in the morning.

Quietly rubbing his dry face, Han-geon chased away the lingering drowsiness.

Filming started at nine, and they needed to be on site by eight at the latest to begin hair and makeup.

It was less than ten minutes away, so leaving around seven thirty would be plenty.

Even factoring in time for a simple breakfast, he still had a little under an hour to spare.

Should I go for a run?

He’d only managed short runs on weekends, and it’d been almost ten days since he’d exercised properly.

Wanting to avoid waking Eun-gyeol, Han-geon quietly changed into workout clothes and slipped out of the room.

He remembered there was a fitness center on B1—maybe he’d check that out.

The gym was completely empty.

After showing his room key at the counter and getting checked in, Han-geon did a light warm-up before stepping onto a treadmill.

He started with a brisk walk, then gradually picked up the pace into a run.

A refreshing sensation swept through his entire body.

He hadn’t been moving much lately; his body felt heavy, and his head was full of useless thoughts.

Maybe sweating it out would help lighten things up.

He increased the speed a bit more, just as he was about to really get into it—

“Oh!

Manager-nim.”

A familiar voice.

Before he even turned his head, he already knew who it was.

“Ah, actor-nim.”

He reached out and slowed the machine to a stop.

Just as he was about to step down to greet him, a gentle hand came toward him from behind.

“No, it’s fine.

Don’t get off.

I’m going to run too.”

Junseong climbed onto the treadmill right next to his, looking unusually cheerful for such an early hour.

Come to think of it, this man always seemed to be in a good mood.

How did he manage to smile all the time?

“You work out early.”

“Ah, yes… I like exercising.”

While answering, Han-geon quickly ran through the possibility of Eun-gyeol showing up here.

He didn’t want to irritate him first thing in the morning.

But given how much Eun-gyeol liked sleeping in, the chances were slim.

He’d even left a message beforehand saying he was going out to exercise so Eun-gyeol wouldn’t be surprised.

“That’s perfect.

It gets a bit boring working out alone.”

Smiling brightly, Junseong pressed a button and increased the speed.

He ran at about the same pace as Han-geon, yet didn’t look particularly strained.

He seemed to be someone who genuinely enjoyed exercise as well.

Unlike his usual friendly, persistent chatter, Junseong didn’t strike up more conversation and focused on running instead.

Thanks to that, Han-geon was able to relax and concentrate on his own pace.

They ran side by side for several minutes.

It felt good—his body loosened up quickly after such a long break.

“Do you usually relieve stress through exercise?”

“Yes.

It’s related to my major, too… and I’ve always liked physical activity.”

Junseong suddenly spoke after being quiet for a while.

He was drenched in sweat but looked thoroughly refreshed.

“I see.

Well, you used to be in security.

Is managing work manageable for you?

Compared to your old job, it might feel a bit dull.”

“It’s fine.

I like this too.”

Just as he said, there wasn’t much for him to do as a bodyguard here.

Fans did gather near the set, but security was tight and well-controlled, so very little actually fell to Han-geon personally.

“How do you plan to spend your vacation?”

“I’ll probably just rest at home.”

Han-geon turned off his treadmill.

He was thinking of doing a bit of light weight training.

Junseong wiped his sweat with a towel and followed suit, turning off his machine as well.

His voice remained upbeat.

“Then—would you like to grab a beer with me during the break?”

At the smiling invitation, Han-geon looked at Junseong in mild surprise.

Hearing it a second time made it clearer—Junseong hadn’t been making polite small talk or casual greetings before.

But why?

Why him?

Was it normal for a celebrity to drink one-on-one with someone else’s manager?

There was no obvious reason.

Was it just that they got along well on a personal level and he wanted to be friends?

Or was it something else—

Don’t be ridiculous.

A stray thought flashed through his mind, and he quickly dismissed it.

There was no way.

Junseong was an alpha and a popular actor; Han-geon was a beta and someone else’s manager.

There was no reason for him to harbor any other feelings.

Han-geon mocked himself internally.

Either way, the intention didn’t matter.

He didn’t want to cause unnecessary friction with Eun-gyeol again because of Junseong.

Holding the towel in his hand, Han-geon bowed his head slightly.

“Actor-nim.

Thank you for the offer, but… I think Eun-gyeol might feel a bit uncomfortable about it.

I’m sorry.”

It was a sincere but firm refusal.

Junseong raised his eyebrows in surprise, then let out an awkward smile.

“Oh, no—it’s fine.

I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, I’m the one who should apologize.”

“Haha.

If you keep apologizing, it’s just going to make me feel more awkward.

I’m really fine.”

Han-geon returned an awkward smile.

Yeah.

This was the right choice.

Even if it felt uncomfortable now, properly refusing once would be better for everyone in the long run.

“Oh, by the way.”

Casually stretching his ankles in place, Junseong continued as if it were nothing.

“Since Eun-gyeol sunbae is in rut this time, I figured… you probably won’t be seeing him much anyway.”

“……”

“You know how he tends to shut himself away during ruts.”

It felt like a long blade had been driven straight into his chest.

How did Junseong know about Eun-gyeol’s rut?

It felt as though everyone in the world knew how Eun-gyeol spent his ruts—everyone except him.

Junseong probably hadn’t meant to hurt him.

There was no reason he would.

Even so, Han-geon couldn’t bring himself to respond for a moment; he just stood there, dazed.

He couldn’t even manage basic control over his expression.

Something about Junseong’s face as he looked at Han-geon’s stiff expression was strange.

Before Junseong could say anything else, a familiar voice spread from behind them.

“Looks like you two are really interested in my rut.”