Chapter 9: The Weight of a Forgotten Love

“Make me a meal, Guan Qing.”

At that time, Xie Xu had his hands clasped behind his head, still sweating from playing ball, his eyes shining brightly.

They were still good friends then, strolling along the tree-lined campus path of M University. Cyclists whizzed past, bringing with them a breeze unique to summer.

Cicadas chirped, sweat beaded, and the sun beat down.

Guan Qing stood beside the person he had fallen for at first sight, the one he had secretly loved for so long. That person was looking at him without a hint of reservation, acting surprised upon hearing that Guan Qing could cook.

Feeling as if he’d been enchanted, Guan Qing gazed hazily into Xie Xu’s eyes. “Alright,” he said. “What do you like? You can come to my place this Saturday, and I’ll cook for you.”

Xie Xu counted dishes on his fingers, ordering several Sichuan dishes. Guan Qing felt a little awkward. “Uh, my family doesn’t eat spicy food, so I’m not very good at Sichuan cuisine…”

‘Strange,’ he thought. ‘Didn’t I just tell Xie Xu this last night when we were chatting online?’

Before he could delve deeper, Xie Xu leaned in, ruffling his hair. With a straightforward, almost clumsy gesture, he pulled Guan Qing into a full embrace and kneaded him. “It’s fine, I like Cantonese food too. Ah…”

Guan Qing’s entire face flushed scarlet. He struggled to break free, stammering, “W-what’s wrong?”

“I really wanted to see you eat spicy food,” Xie Xu confessed, his expression filled with longing. “So fair and tender, with your face flushed after eating spicy, calling me Brother Xie Xu… Tsk, tsk, tsk, our little Guan Qing is truly a menace. Brother Xie Xu is practically falling for you.”

Xie Xu pinched Guan Qing’s cheek, then walked ahead.

Guan Qing lagged behind, his face so hot it felt like it was burning.

The sunlight, filtering through the gaps in the leaves, fell upon Xie Xu. His entire being, right down to the tips of his hair, seemed to glow with a honeyed, pale gold — a truly beautiful sight.

That was Guan Qing’s entire world.

****

“Make me another meal, Mr. Guan.”

Xie Xu looked at him, not averting his gaze this time, but calmly meeting Guan Qing’s eyes.

Guan Qing was the first to falter. He shifted his gaze to the potted plant on the table, hearing himself murmur, “That wouldn’t be appropriate.”

Xie Xu tapped the contract in his hand.

Guan Qing didn’t know what to say.

“Oh, right,” Xie Xu said, interlocking his fingers and leaning back with a smile. “Did I ever tell you before? My ideal type needs to be fair-skinned, not too tall, not too short—175 cm is best. They must be a beta, and—”

“I understand,” Guan Qing interrupted, lowering his head.

Xie Xu froze. After a moment, he managed a strained smile. “Good that you know. I’ll drive you home later.”

“No need, I can manage myself.”

Guan Qing felt he was reaching his breaking point. This absurd evening, everything was beyond comprehension.

Outside the window, a sudden clap of thunder echoed. The sky was overcast, and a storm was brewing.

Xie Xu’s brow twitched. In a place Guan Qing couldn’t see, his expression momentarily turned frantic and soft, as if he wanted to say something.

But he quickly composed himself, smiling. “In the future, I’ll definitely have to drive my blind date partners home. This should be within your scope of responsibility, shouldn’t it, as a rehearsal for my future dates?”

Guan Qing remained silent.

He stared for a long time at the bamboo on the table, his entire being seemingly soulless, utterly still. He tried to pull himself away from a certain emotion, but he couldn’t.

He still couldn’t help but think…

“The contract you just signed—” Xie Xu began, about to use the same tactic to pressure him.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” Guan Qing said, his head bowed low as he stood up.

This ridiculous evening should end here. If he stayed any longer, he didn’t know what might happen. He walked quickly, even stumbling on the stairs to the next floor, falling directly into the heavy rain.

He was covered in mud, drenched, and utterly dishevelled. Frantically, he picked up his bag, even forgetting that he had driven there, and continued walking with his head down, following his memory of the subway station.

Someone called out to him from behind, but he didn’t dare to look back.

The overwhelming sound of rain and thunder filled his ears, yet despite the noise, it couldn’t drown out the words that echoed repeatedly, sentence by sentence, in his mind.

“I just want a child with Xie Xu, Guan Qing. Don’t be so selfish.”

“Jiang Lu, you don’t need to attend my wedding as a guest.”

“If I’m not mistaken, Brother Qing, you and Brother Xu have already broken up, right?”

Those two voices played on a loop like a nightmare. He wanted to escape, but he didn’t know where to go. Then, someone forcefully grabbed his hand and pulled him tightly into an embrace:

“What’s wrong? I’m sorry, I was crazy. I had no other choice but to act that way. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have forced you…” Xie Xu’s voice trembled as he repeatedly kissed the crown of Guan Qing’s head.

Guan Qing said nothing. Eventually, Xie Xu himself lost control of his emotions. He closed his eyes wearily. “But if I don’t do this, you won’t come to see me again.”

His phone number was blocked, WeChat deleted, and even the apartment key card returned.

It was as if they were determined to be strangers for life.

Xie Xu was scared.

He possessed many things, but none were what Guan Qing desired. Only at this moment did he realize he had nothing that could make Guan Qing stay.

He only had a heart that had beaten for Guan Qing from the very beginning, but this heart… Guan Qing didn’t want it.

He was helpless.

“You hate me so much, and I… I can’t do anything about it.”

Drenched in the heavy rain, both of them felt an equally chilling despair deep in their hearts. The rain was too heavy and too long, making it almost impossible to see any direction.

They had fallen into a stalemate.

Guan Qing was trembling all over, held tightly in Xie Xu’s embrace.

He struggled desperately, as if Xie Xu were some monstrous entity, yet he couldn’t escape.

He finally closed his eyes, saying weakly, “Xie Xu, can you please stop this?”

“Stop loving you so much?” Xie Xu was silent for a moment, unwilling to release his embrace. “I can’t do that.”

“Yes, you love me.” Guan Qing forced a smile. “I’m sorry, your love is too cheap. I don’t dare to accept it.”

‘He could love me before, and now he can love Jiang Lu, can’t he?’

“Cheap?” Xie Xu felt as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over his head, a chill spreading from his feet to his heart.

He gave a self-deprecating laugh. “It is pretty cheap.”

The things he had only ever given to Guan Qing—if Guan Qing said they were cheap, then cheap they were.

Guan Qing was the one who had once lifted him to the clouds, and now, it seemed, it was also Guan Qing’s word alone that could cast him into the mud.

Xie Xu wondered if he was a masochist.

Even after Guan Qing said all that.

He was still hopelessly… in love with him. So in love that merely thinking about it made his heart ache.

Guan Qing clearly didn’t want to act like a jealous husband, especially since he no longer had the right, but he couldn’t control himself. “Can you please not be so greedy?”

Jiang Lu was his rumored boyfriend. He went on shows to create hype with Jiang Lu, and the key card to their old home was given to Jiang Lu.

“You like him so much,” Guan Qing’s nose felt sore, and he choked out amidst the torrential rain. “…Can you please stop bothering me?”

‘I’ll take it seriously.’

‘Loving Jiang Lu is real, loving Guan Qing is merely a habit.’

Guan Qing knew this, and he had reminded himself countless times not to harbor unrealistic fantasies.

‘They are not from the same world as you. Jiang Lu… Jiang Lu and Xie Xu are a match made in heaven. I am just a clown. All I need to do is pick up my things and politely take my bow when my part is over.’

‘Don’t be a nuisance.’

‘A protagonist’s resistance is called resistance, but a clown’s resistance like mine would at most provide a little extra amusement for the audience.’

‘I’m already suffering enough.’

“You already… you already have someone you like. So control yourself, and treat them well. Don’t go on any more blind dates, and don’t—”

If things continued this way, one day in the future, Xie Xu might ask him… to be a third party.

And he would agree.

He couldn’t live without Xie Xu anymore; he was willing to use every means possible to stay by Xie Xu’s side.

He couldn’t bear such a morally corrupt version of himself.

Yet, his love for Xie Xu was uncontrollable. Every day he saw him, he would love him a little more, until he couldn’t pull away.

Perhaps he was already unable to pull away.

Guan Qing’s eyes were terribly red, his tears mingling with the rain, indistinguishable.

“If you weren’t the boss of a matchmaking agency, why would I be going on blind dates?”

Xie Xu’s heart ached and softened. Even though Guan Qing had just said such harsh words to him, he couldn’t feel angry at all. He lowered his head, cupped Guan Qing’s face, and said, “I like him? Who is ‘him’… Never mind, let’s go back first. You’ll catch a cold like this.”

“Don’t,” Guan Qing forced a twisted smile. “Don’t lie to me anymore.”

“Who’s lying to you?” Xie Xu grew anxious. He realized there seemed to be a misunderstanding between him and Guan Qing. “I’ve only ever loved you, I—”

Guan Qing’s tears flowed even more profusely, and he covered his ears.

Xie Xu fell silent.

His expression went blank for a moment. He had never imagined before that a single action from someone could cause him such profound sadness and pain.

Guan Qing hated him that much.

His intentions, his love… they were all worthless. Perhaps even hearing them would defile one’s ears.

Guan Qing, finding strength from somewhere, suddenly pushed away the stunned Xie Xu and turned to leave.

He couldn’t listen anymore.

Xie Xu’s words sounded so sweet, and his expression was so earnest… as if he truly loved Guan Qing that much.

He knew it was impossible.

In the heavy rain, the entire world blurred into masses of color. The sound of rain and his heartbeat gradually merged. Guan Qing felt his blood flow quicken, his heartbeat growing louder and louder. He tried desperately to control his steps but couldn’t, until his legs finally gave out—

He stumbled into an embrace.

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