Chapter 7: The Unattainable Desire

By then, they were already living together in a rented apartment.

Guan Qing didn’t mind a long-distance relationship. However, Xie Xu’s silent disappearance tormented him, leaving him sleepless night after night, often staying up until sunrise with the lights on.

He agonized over whether Xie Xu would return, and if some accident had befallen him.

He searched for Xie Xu in all their usual haunts and called every one of Xie Xu’s friends, pestering them until they grew annoyed. He hated being so bothersome, yet felt utterly helpless.

He had never met Xie Xu’s parents, nor had Xie Xu ever introduced them. Yet, his own mother had long since grown remarkably fond and familiar with Xie Xu.

While love itself was never truly equal, some details inevitably left a sting in his heart.

Finally, Xie Xu made a rushed call, only to hang up after a few brief words. It was winter then, and Guan Qing, while working part-time, constantly worried about Xie Xu.

One day, he developed a fever in their rented room, his temperature soaring to nearly forty degrees Celsius.

He lay on the bed in a daze, shivering with cold, and tried to turn on the heater, only to discover the electricity had been cut off by the landlord due to unpaid bills. He couldn’t recall much from that time, only that he kept calling out Xie Xu’s name, but no one answered, and his calls went unreturned.

Yet, for some reason, he remained so certain that Xie Xu would come.

Perhaps he yearned for Xie Xu’s arrival so intensely that his entire being ached with it.

Even in such a dire state, he hadn’t considered reaching out to anyone else, or making a single call for help.

It was as if he would wait indefinitely, should Xie Xu not appear.

He would wait until… he simply couldn’t wait any longer.

The day concluded with a chilling wind that seeped into his bones, and countless hallucinations brought on by the high fever. In those visions, he felt someone lift him, a familiar presence, yet he couldn’t quite place it.

Finally, after nearly forty-eight hours of restless torment, Guan Qing drifted into a deep sleep within that embrace.

When he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital. Ye Zi sat by his bedside, gazing at him with concern.

‘So… it wasn’t Xie Xu after all.’

Ye Zi must have noticed his instant flicker of disappointment. He hadn’t meant to be impolite, but he couldn’t control it. His joy and sorrow seemed to be entirely dictated by Xie Xu, especially when he was sick and vulnerable.

His throat was too hoarse to speak. Ye Zi slowly helped him sit up and offered him water, then, once he was settled, brought out the porridge from a thermos.

Guan Qing tried to take the bowl himself, but Ye Zi gently pushed his hand away. Spooning out the porridge, he chided him, “You had a fever of nearly forty degrees, and you didn’t know? Are you trying to throw your life away?

“If it weren’t for…”

Guan Qing interrupted him, “Senior, thank you.”

Ye Zi stared at him intently, then lowered his head to stir the porridge. “It’s nothing. Just don’t let there be a next time.”

Guan Qing took a couple of sips of porridge, then insisted on holding the spoon himself. As he took it, he asked, “Senior, Xie Xu…

‘Had he been here? Where was he?’

Guan Qing realized he couldn’t bring himself to ask. The answers were, after all, painfully obvious.

Ye Zi patted his back, remaining silent.

It was winter then, and outside, dusk was falling, accompanied by snow. The curtains were drawn, yet Guan Qing gazed out at the heavy snowfall in the twilight. He thought, ‘This must be the worst it can get.’

‘Things should get better from now on.’

‘At least next time, when I’m sick, when I’m hurting, Xie Xu will be by my side.’

To his surprise, Ye Zi paused, then said, “There’s something… I feel I should tell you, but don’t get too worked up.”

Guan Qing turned his gaze back to him. “What is it?”

Ye Zi replied, “Your aunt has been diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer… It’s okay, it’s early-stage, it can be treated.”

Guan Qing’s vision went black.

The sky, truly, had fallen.

“Here, take this two hundred thousand yuan for now. If it’s not enough, I’ll find another way. Your aunt has medical insurance, so a portion can be reimbursed. I’ll handle things at school, you won’t need to take a leave of absence.

“As for Xie Xu… don’t blame him too much. He must have his own difficulties.”

****

Ye Zi reached out and waved a hand in front of Guan Qing’s eyes, feigning annoyance. “Guan Qing, you’re the first person to zone out while having a meal with me.”

Only then did Guan Qing pull himself from his prolonged reverie. He awkwardly raised his glass to Ye Zi, taking a punitive half-sip.

Ye Zi shook his head helplessly. “So, what about what I said earlier? Have you given it any thought?”

‘What he said earlier…’

‘I have good conditions, so do you like me?’

Guan Qing froze. “N-not that kind of liking…”

If he hadn’t met Xie Xu, he might genuinely have fallen for Ye Zi. But now, how could he possibly like anyone else?

Ye Zi was both amused and exasperated. “I wasn’t talking about that. Were you zoning out again while I was just speaking to you? I was asking if your matchmaking agency needs a psychological counselor. I’ve just returned to the country and want some leisure time. If you don’t mind, I could work for you for a while? CEO Guan?”

“Oh…” Guan Qing took a sip of wine, a sheepish expression on his face. “If you’re willing, I would, of course, be extremely hono—”

Ye Zi smiled, cutting him off. “However, I’m also very curious about that previous question.”

Guan Qing nearly choked. “Cough, I—”

“Don’t be so quick to refuse. Aren’t you broken up?”

Without waiting for Guan Qing’s reply, Ye Zi expertly peeled a shrimp for him, then calmly changed the subject. It was strange; despite their vastly different social strata, Guan Qing and Ye Zi shared many common interests, including amusing anecdotes from university.

Logically, Ye Zi was a year older and from a different department, so he shouldn’t have known some things so clearly. A question lingered in Guan Qing’s mind.

By the end of the meal, Guan Qing had drunk quite a bit, and Ye Zi drove him home. Guan Qing was the type to get sleepy when he drank too much. Although Ye Zi seemed to have a romantic interest in him, Guan Qing felt it was mostly a joke, so he didn’t pay it much mind.

In a hazy state, he seemed to hear Ye Zi say, “You, you always think of avoiding, escaping, and not taking responsibility when faced with problems.

“Your personality is suited to depend on others. Never making your own decisions, never having to bear the consequences – isn’t that wonderful? Isn’t that why you and Xie Xu broke up?”

Ye Zi’s voice was low and gentle, making Guan Qing almost unable to tell if he was dreaming or awake. Yet, those few words held a magical quality, branding themselves into his mind again and again.

He mumbled, “No…”

“What do you mean, no? Have you never considered perpetually relying on someone, not speaking, not listening, not thinking?

“Everyone talks about equality now, but what if someone is born suitable for, or even likes, inequality? Then respecting them, granting them the right to depend, isn’t that a form of equality? Guan Qing, do you yourself… perhaps yearn for this kind of inequality?”

Under the moonlight, Ye Zi observed Guan Qing’s sleeping face, furrowed as if in discomfort. He leaned down, brushed back his hair, and gently kissed his ear, whispering, “Think about it carefully. Take your time.

“I can wait.

“After all, I’ve waited this long.”

****

When Guan Qing awoke, his head was pounding. He wasn’t a regular drinker, but last night, after years apart, reuniting with an old friend had led him to drink a few extra glasses without realizing it.

It seemed Ye Zi had brought him home. But when he woke, Ye Zi was already gone. His clothes had been changed into pajamas, and there was even a thermos with porridge on the table. Ye Zi was always so thoughtful and meticulous, which both touched Guan Qing and left him feeling almost overwhelmed.

In Guan Qing’s eyes, Ye Zi was almost omnipotent. Ye Zi had never asked for anything in return, yet had helped him so much; to say he wasn’t moved would be a lie. Guan Qing’s nature made it difficult for him to form deep connections, so he was very grateful to have a friend like Ye Zi.

With Ye Zi’s qualifications, he certainly wouldn’t struggle to find a suitable position in the country. His offer to ‘rest his feet’ in Guan Qing’s small agency was, in truth, merely out of consideration for Guan Qing, a way to lend him a hand.

As he washed and dressed, he pondered what good gift to choose for Ye Zi that weekend. Since Ye Zi had just settled back in the country, he thought he would visit his home, gather together, and have a housewarming.

Upon arriving at the office, he saw Ye Zi examining his bookshelf. Noticing Guan Qing’s arrival, he turned his head, smiled, and asked, “Are you still studying psychology?”

Guan Qing felt a little embarrassed. “I used to, but I’ve been quite busy lately, so it’s been put aside.”

He had been interested in psychology since high school, but in college, at his mother’s insistence, he pursued a major far removed from it. Even after he started working, he never got close to a career in psychology, yet his interest in the subject only grew.

Ye Zi nodded. “These books of yours are all too abstruse and difficult to understand. Next time you come to my place, I’ll pick out a few suitable ones for you.”

Guan Qing quickly agreed.

He opened his computer to look at client profiles, while Ye Zi brewed some tea and brought him a cup. As he set down the teacup, Ye Zi placed a hand on Guan Qing’s shoulder, looking at the client’s profile with him.

“This Mr. Li has a resistance to dating and marriage, which is a projection of his dysfunctional childhood family dynamics: a lack of paternal love, and an overly controlling mother… We could consider an older male Beta for him.”

“And this one…”

Ye Zi leaned in close as he spoke, but Guan Qing didn’t feel any discomfort. Much of what Ye Zi said was profoundly insightful, and he even felt a sense of sudden enlightenment. The morning passed in this manner, leaving Guan Qing still wanting more.

Seeing the interest in Guan Qing’s eyes, Ye Zi smiled and patted his head. “Look how engrossed you are. Come on, let’s go have lunch first.”

The area was surrounded by residential buildings, and most of the nearby restaurants served affordable home-style cooking. Ye Zi didn’t mind at all, breaking open a pair of disposable chopsticks and beginning to eat.

“Speaking of which, if you’re truly interested, have you considered returning to school for a master’s degree? No rush, but a professor at S University is a good friend of mine. You could attend their class sometime when you’re free, then decide.”

Guan Qing’s chopsticks, mid-air, froze. He looked up at Ye Zi. “Really?”

Ye Zi nodded. “If you’re serious, I’ll ask for you later.”

Guan Qing was so touched he didn’t know what to say. “Ye Zi… I don’t know how to thank you.”

Ye Zi was true to his word and quickly contacted the person, arranging for Guan Qing to attend a class sometime next week during a weekday. His work over the past few years hadn’t required him to pay for housing or a car, nor did he have children to raise, so he had indeed saved a considerable amount of money. Compared to wasting away in a job he didn’t particularly like, returning to campus would certainly be wonderful.

Guan Qing felt that everything was finally getting better. His life had once revolved solely around Xie Xu, which was why leaving him had caused such agonizing pain.

But now, he seemed to have so much. A true friend, his own goals for the future, and things that once felt out of reach were slowly drawing closer. It would be even better if Xie Xu were here. But one couldn’t be so greedy. Besides, Xie Xu was always his…

…unattainable desire.

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