Chapter 4: The Weight of Unspoken Love

“Guan Qing, I’m getting married on the eighth of next month.”

Xie Xu, with one hand in his pocket, extended an invitation with the other. Guan Qing’s gaze fell upon the names at the bottom, where “Jiang Lu” was written directly after “Xie Xu.”

He couldn’t quite grasp what he was feeling.

He felt an unsettling sense of non-existence. It was as if, at this very moment, he realized that without Xie Xu, a significant part of his life would lose all meaning. Since meeting Xie Xu eight years ago, his entire existence had been defined by those two words: “Xie Xu.”

This was too pathological. He despised it, and he knew Xie Xu would surely despise it even more.

He opened his mouth, intending to speak, but Xie Xu cut him off.

“I should thank you.

“Thank you for letting go, for allowing me to meet the right person.”

Xie Xu’s expression was genuinely sincere, yet that heartfelt gratitude was utterly brutal for Guan Qing to bear.

Guan Qing mumbled, “It’s nothing, really. Your happiness is what matters most. I wish you…”

‘I wish you happiness.’

—The words simply wouldn’t come out. For within his heart, completely different thoughts were swirling.

He endured for a long time, waiting until Xie Xu’s retreating figure was far in the distance, before whispering softly.

“I didn’t mean anything by it; I just like you too much.

“If you’re unhappy after you get married, you can, you can come find me.”

He truly was despicable.

Xie Xu had already found a good home, a suitable partner, yet not only did Guan Qing fail to offer blessings, he still coveted him. He even harbored a desperate hope that if Xie Xu ever argued or became unhappy with his partner, he might, just occasionally, come to see him.

He couldn’t pick it up, nor could he put it down.

Guan Qing opened his eyes amidst nearly desperate self-reproach and helplessness, only to find himself staring at the small ceiling of his rented room, realizing it had all been a dream.

But the dream had been far too vivid, and the version of himself within it…

He crawled out of bed, gripping the edge of the sink as he dry-heaved.

‘Guan Qing, you’re disgusting.’

His own family had been destroyed by a third party, and yet he harbored such thoughts himself. He had finally…

…become the very person he detested most.

****

The show Xie Xu had appeared on was a live broadcast. Such a major incident should have caused an uproar. However, the Jiang family, with their far-reaching influence, managed to suppress it completely.

Still, discussions circulated in the shadows. These included mockery of Jiang Lu for throwing herself at Xie Xu, condemnation of Xie Xu for his impoliteness, and Xie Xu’s fans furiously cursing Jiang Lu and the production team.

Xie Xu’s dismissal of his agent also remained a trending topic for a while.

He not only fired and sued his agent but also filed a lawsuit against the production team, leading to the entire show being suspended for rectification. Moreover, due to pressure from the Xie family, Jiang Lu’s recent days had been rather difficult, and she no longer bothered Xie Xu.

—He had clearly won a battle, yet he…

Xie Xu stared at his phone. A significant portion of his phone’s memory was dedicated to photos of Guan Qing—some taken when Guan Qing wasn’t paying attention, others tourist snapshots from their outings together.

Guan Qing smiled brightly at the camera. Back then, Guan Qing must have liked him very much.

‘I don’t want him to smile at anyone else like that.’

However, Xie Xu reasoned that he couldn’t be so selfish.

Only those who possessed something had the right to be selfish, and he had already lost everything.

He created two QQ accounts, one named “Qingqing” and the other “Xuxu,” using matching couple avatars. He drank as he chatted with himself.

He would use the “Xuxu” account to say lewd things, then switch to “Qingqing” to curse back, or to remind “Xuxu” to drink less and go to bed early.

It was as if Guan Qing was still by his side.

As if he was in their home, sleeping in their bed, and with just a key, he could open the door, kiss him, hug him, and possess him.

He realized that life was much happier when one wasn’t entirely sober.

Xie Xu held the wine bottle, smiling at his phone. “Darling, when you get tired of playing around, come home early.”

“If you’re angry, don’t just leave without a word. Tell me where I went wrong, and I’ll change.”

“You… at least give me a chance to change.”

He trembled, covering his eyes.

****

Guan Qing remained oblivious to the online storm, having secluded himself to a routine of moving between his rented room and his workplace.

One day, during his routine physical examination, he unexpectedly encountered a high school classmate named Wu Gui, who was now a doctor. It was around four or five in the afternoon, and Wu Gui asked Guan Qing to wait so they could have dinner together later.

Unexpectedly, a few minutes later, Wu Gui emerged and asked him to come in.

Guan Qing, feeling puzzled, heard Wu Gui say, “Your complete blood count… your white blood cells are a bit high, and your platelets are low. I recommend a re-examination.”

Guan Qing’s heart skipped a beat. “This means…”

Wu Gui explained, “It’s too early to tell, and your levels aren’t severely abnormal, so the possibility is low—but it could be leukemia.”

A deafening roar erupted in Guan Qing’s mind, leaving him utterly stunned.

The first person he thought of was Xie Xu.

‘If only I had known earlier that I might get sick, that I might die soon, why would I have let things with Xie Xu end up like this?’

‘If I were to die, I wouldn’t burden Xie Xu for long. So, at least let me monopolize him for just a little while before I go.’

‘Truly, just for a moment.’

Xie Xu wouldn’t even need to remember him; he just needed to stay with him, so he wouldn’t have to leave this world all alone.

Guan Qing was, at heart, someone who feared death and loneliness. To him, without Xie Xu, no matter where he was, he was always alone.

Wu Gui comforted him, “It’s just a slight possibility. I’m being cautious, so don’t worry too much. And this disease, it’s not untreatable; the cure rate is quite high now, and there are many methods.

“Come on, I’ll treat you to a good meal.”

Both Wu Gui and Guan Qing hailed from a small town in the south, and meeting in S City felt like fate. Thus, they headed to a renowned Cantonese restaurant.

Guan Qing was in low spirits, but Wu Gui, being very understanding, kept serving him food and chatted animatedly himself.

“Speaking of which, Guan Qing, are you married yet?”

They were both no longer young, and Guan Qing himself worked in matchmaking, so Wu Gui naturally assumed he had long since found a partner.

Guan Qing forced a smile and said, “I just broke up.”

“Oh…” Wu Gui scratched his head, feeling awkward. “Haha, I’m single too. It’s fine, it’s fine, I don’t discriminate against you.”

Upon hearing this, Guan Qing was somewhat surprised. Although Wu Gui was a Beta, he was tall, handsome, and had a great personality. Guan Qing said, “If you need someone, I can introduce you? No charge.”

Wu Gui twitched his lips and said, “I don’t plan on getting married anymore.”

Guan Qing sensed he didn’t want to continue the topic, so he shifted to other subjects. As they ate and drank, half-drunk, Wu Gui suddenly asked, “Your ex-boyfriend was an Alpha?”

In the past, few people knew about his relationship with Xie Xu, but most probably knew Guan Qing’s partner wasn’t a Beta.

Guan Qing nodded, and Wu Gui continued, “Forgive my bluntness, but did your breakup… have anything to do with you being a Beta and him being an Alpha?”

Guan Qing looked up at him, and a question he had never considered before suddenly swept through all his thoughts without warning.

‘What if Xie Xu had been a Beta?’

During compulsory education, the three genders were segregated in schools. It was only during university that most Alphas and Omegas could effectively control their pheromones, leading to the existence of mixed-gender schools.

If Xie Xu had been a Beta, not as outstanding as he was now, but just a handsome yet unassuming ordinary boy. He and Xie Xu might have… perhaps met in high school or even middle school.

If that were the case, he would have pursued Xie Xu, no matter how shameless he had to be, he would have definitely won him over. They would have spent their entire adolescence immersed in copying homework, attending classes, playing basketball, and falling in love. Guan Qing and Xie Xu, always together. Weekends spent cycling and shopping, walking hand-in-hand openly on the streets, embracing and kissing under the streetlights.

Then they would have lived together, working ordinary jobs, bringing home a single rose tucked into a bunch of scallions after work, and hiding a ring in a homemade birthday cake. Then they would have married, adopted children, and stayed together until they were very, very old, still together.

Guan Qing stared blankly at Wu Gui, unaware that tears were streaming down his face.

Wu Gui quickly pulled out tissues to comfort him. Once Guan Qing’s emotions had largely stabilized, he hiccupped, “My ex, he was an Omega…”

It was a clichéd story.

Similar to Guan Qing and Xie Xu, Wu Gui had met his first love, his ex, in university, and they had been together for many years. His partner came from an illustrious family—understandable, as in a time where Betas comprised 80% of the population, few ordinary families could raise Alphas or Omegas—and his family deeply disapproved of Wu Gui.

His partner’s mother, suffering from heart disease, threatened to die, ultimately leading to their breakup.

Wu Gui also gave up on finding another partner, dedicating himself to his work. Then, about three years later…

“It was two years ago, on New Year’s Eve. I was on emergency duty. When I got home, I saw him huddled at my doorstep, clutching a wine bottle, frozen and asleep, yet still shivering constantly.”

The details didn’t need further elaboration; in short, they reconciled. “He had a fever for several days,” Wu Gui said, looking out the window with a very sad smile. “I initially thought he had caught a cold that night. When I suggested a thorough medical examination, he was surprisingly resistant. I never expected…”

It was leukemia.

His partner had known about his illness for a long time, having discovered it late, and had not intended to seek treatment.

“I hated him so much back then,” Wu Gui said, covering his face. “He was already leaving, so why come back? He was such a coward, needing the sword of death hanging over his head before he dared to look at me.”

“But I hated myself even more.”

Wu Gui took a sip of wine. “If only… I hadn’t listened to those idle whispers, if only I had paid more attention to him, if only I had been a little bolder, if only I hadn’t let go back then, wouldn’t everything have been different?

“After we broke up, he must have had a terrible time. Leukemia has so many early signs, so many treatment methods…”

Yet, it still reached a point of no return.

“Before he left, he clutched my hand tightly, looked at me, and asked me not to forget him.

“His smile wasn’t beautiful then, but I still fell for him like an idiot. He also said he regretted it so much, wishing he could have… spent more time with me.”

“I… regret it so much too.”

By the end, Wu Gui was sobbing uncontrollably.

Perhaps because it had happened so close to home, Guan Qing was swept by immense shock and sadness, mixed with panic. Wu Gui and his ex-boyfriend had run out of time.

Did he and Xie Xu… still have a chance?

They sat in silence for a while, then Wu Gui managed to compose himself. “I’m sorry, I haven’t been able to talk about this with anyone.”

Guan Qing shook his head despondently. Wu Gui then said, “If you and he broke up because of gender or something else…”

He looked deeply at Guan Qing. “Regret is a very painful feeling. I don’t want you to end up like me in the future.”

****

During the few days he waited for the test results, Guan Qing stayed home and thought a great deal.

Mostly about Xie Xu.

Love, in a way, was just like that—not fearing scarcity, but fearing inequality. When two people were together, constantly wondering who loved more inevitably led to exhaustion.

Guan Qing was exhausted.

He was just an ordinary person. Having a treasure like Xie Xu in his home made him perpetually uneasy, like winning the lottery’s grand prize out of the blue, a stroke of luck he’d never experienced in his life.

So he grew accustomed to accommodating, to loving more, to the fact that… Xie Xu didn’t absolutely need him.

Almost everyone around him had said that Xie Xu would be better off without him. Eventually, this idea became deeply ingrained in his mind.

He told himself that breaking up was for Xie Xu’s good, and not telling him the reason was to spare him self-reproach.

Guan Qing wondered, ‘Was I truly that noble?’

The day he went to the hospital was overcast.

Guan Qing held the folder containing his test results and called Xie Xu.

“Hello, Xie Xu? It’s Guan Qing.”

On the other end, there was the sound of a wine bottle toppling, followed by a moment of silence before Xie Xu answered, his voice hoarse, “Mm.”

Guan Qing deliberated for a long time.

He tore open the test results with trembling hands as he spoke. “If, if you and Jiang Lu haven’t gotten together…”

He took a deep breath and asked, “Can I come see you?”

He wanted to see Xie Xu.

That emotion, almost beyond his estimation, surged within his chest, making him realize with such despair in that moment that he was still the same as before… hopelessly in love with Xie Xu.

Even if Xie Xu didn’t love him.

He tossed the file bag aside, flipping to the test results.

—Negative.

Simultaneously, Xie Xu’s choked voice answered from the other end, “…Okay.”

————

In Country M, at the airport.

A man dragged a suitcase toward the security checkpoint, drawing glances from passersby.

His captivating peach blossom eyes conveyed a sense of gentle affection, yet his expression was cold, a fascinating blend that created a captivating aura.

As he passed a poster, he paused.

The poster was an advertisement for a men’s watch. The man in the image had one hand in his pocket, eyes cast down at the camera, smiling with a handsome, roguish charm.

The man twitched his lips, murmuring, “Xie Xu.

“It’s time to return what’s mine, isn’t it?”

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