Chapter 19: The Weight of the Past

“I don’t need many people to love me.”

Guan Qing looked at Xie Xu, speaking earnestly.

“I just need the person I love to love me back.”

They gazed at each other from a short distance. Guan Qing’s eyes were calm as they met Xie Xu’s.

Under Guan Qing’s steady gaze, Xie Xu’s face slowly flushed. After a long silence, he whispered, “Alright.”

Guan Qing, taken aback, asked, “What’s ‘alright’?”

“Er, nothing.” Xie Xu touched his nose. “We’re almost there. Let’s get ready.”

“By the way, where exactly are we going?” Even now, Guan Qing had no idea where this ‘elopement’ was actually taking them.

Xie Xu stuffed water, an umbrella, and other essentials into his travel bag. “To fight monsters,” he replied.

“…Huh?”

Guan Qing was utterly bewildered.

****

After disembarking from the plane, they transferred to a car, but the road eventually became so rugged that they had to switch to a motorcycle.

The scenery before them grew increasingly familiar. He had traversed this path countless times.

Carrying a simple backpack and wearing a patched-up school uniform, he had walked this very road from their remote small town to the county high school. It was along this route that he had led his mother away from the poverty and hardship that had plagued them for nearly half their lives.

This was the place where he had grown up.

The air carried the chill of late summer, scented with grass stalks and dew, mingled with the unique rural odors of feed and manure. At this hour, the entire town was submerged in sleep, save for the solitary light still glowing at the entrance of a small convenience store, seemingly waiting for someone.

This was the place that frequently haunted his nightmares.

He often dreamt of failing his college entrance exams, wasting his life away in this small town. He would become like every child born here—rude, ignorant, and foolish—who, in their youth, would bully weaker or poorer children.

As adults, they would secure a job arranged by their families, marry, then beat their wives, scold their elders, smoke, drink, and squabble over trivial sums in mahjong parlors.

Other times, he would dream of shrinking back to a child, his father lashing out at him and his mother with fists and feet. His mother would shield him beneath her, her head bleeding from his father’s blows.

He would be shoved to the ground by a neighbor’s child, called ‘the thief’s child,’ and ‘a jinx born with a father but raised by no one.’

He would scramble up and hit the child, crying, “My mom isn’t a thief, and I have a dad.”

The child burst into loud sobs, and several doors simultaneously opened. Adults emerged, all staring at him, remarking that he was ‘exactly like his wife-beating father.’

His mother would then step out, her hands trembling as she slapped him, before going door-to-door to apologize. Their meager, hard-earned savings were clearly being given away right before his eyes.

He had done nothing wrong.

****

Guan Qing became lost in his memories, gradually trembling.

Suddenly, he was enveloped in a warm embrace.

“C-can we go back, please? To… to Hawaii, anywhere at all,” he murmured, not turning around.

“No,” Xie Xu’s voice was gentle, yet his words brooked no argument. “I want you to see it with your own eyes.

“See—those things that always appear in your nightmares are actually insignificant. They can no longer harm the person you are today.”

Xie Xu took a step forward, then turned.

Just as he had once cajoled Guan Qing into letting go of the bicycle handlebars, he gazed deeply at him, extending his hand.

“I’ll face it with you. Trust me.”

Guan Qing’s hand hovered in mid-air, his hesitant fingertips curling inward. The next second, Xie Xu entirely enveloped it.

Xie Xu’s eyes clearly conveyed, ‘I won’t allow you to escape.’

‘I can face everything with you, but I cannot let you settle in a corner, living your entire life in the shadows of the past.’

He pulled Guan Qing along the muddy, gravel-strewn, incredibly rugged path, step by step, towards the dark and dusty years of Guan Qing’s childhood.

Into his nightmare.

****

There was a very simple guesthouse in the town.

Having arrived late at night without prior planning, they had no choice but to make do with a night at the guesthouse. The old man, whose back was severely hunched and head bowed low, pulled the cord of a flickering bare incandescent bulb.

“Boss, it’s fifty a night here.”

The sign outside clearly stated twenty a night, but Xie Xu handed him a hundred-yuan bill directly. The old man’s eyes crinkled into slits as he smiled.

His mouth revealed a set of yellowed teeth, stained from years of smoking and drinking. With a gap-toothed grin, he tremblingly pulled out a cheap, generic cigarette, offering it to them. Mosquitoes swarmed under the light, visible grime coated the table, and a half-finished cup of tea on it held several cigarette butts.

“Huang Weiguo, you…”

Guan Qing stared down in a daze, barely discerning a trace of the past from the man’s aged appearance.

He wasn’t actually old, merely the same age as Guan Qing’s mother, but excessive indulgence and a dissolute lifestyle had ravaged his body beyond recognition.

‘”Ye Anxian, you harlot, you widow, no one wants you yet you pretend to be virtuous, humph. Let’s see if you’ll come begging for me to sleep with you in the future.”

Back then, Huang Weiguo also had yellow teeth, and his eyes weren’t as cloudy as they were now, but they were equally repulsive. He had pointed a liquor bottle at Ye Anxian, while Guan Qing’s mother shielded him beneath her, utterly silent.

If she had been alone, she might have fought him to the death, but she had a child. Not everyone possessed the luxury of choosing to break rather than bend.

“Boss? What’s wrong?”

Huang Weiguo timidly looked up at him, trembling. Perhaps due to some illness, his speech was slurred, and saliva uncontrollably dribbled down his chin.

That persistent dark shadow from his nightmares, that crude and terrifying gaze, gradually merged with the unsightly old man before him. He was now estranged from his wife and children, barely surviving by running a dilapidated guesthouse and gambling away small sums during the day.

“Nothing,” Guan Qing pursed his lips. “I’m Guan Qing.”

‘At the very least, I owe my past self an explanation,’ he thought.

“Ah…” Huang Weiguo seemed to remember. He scrutinized Guan Qing’s face, catching a glimpse of Ye Anxian within it—a flicker of naked greed, undiminished by age, flashed in his murky eyes. But he quickly became alarmed, saying, “Qing, Qingqing, in the past, in the past it really was…”

Guan Qing didn’t look into his eyes; he shook his head. His lips straightened, whether from relief or something else, his heart suddenly felt much lighter. He looked at Xie Xu, his gaze softening. “Let’s go upstairs.”

There was no need to do anything now. He had done nothing, yet these people had already received their deserved punishment. Huang Weiguo, this former monster, could no longer harm him.

‘You are nothing more than this.’

Xie Xu, however, gripped his hand tightly and shook his head.

He looked at Huang Weiguo with an exceptionally cold gaze, one that seemed not to be directed at a living person. “I’ll give you a hundred yuan,” he said, “slap yourself.”

Then he opened his wallet and placed it on the counter.

“Don’t,” Guan Qing frowned. “There’s no need for this anymore. I’ve already…”

Huang Weiguo stared blankly, mouth agape, glancing at the wallet, then at Xie Xu. Suddenly, a glint of shrewdness flashed in his murky eyes, and he swiftly reached for the wallet—

“You dare.”

Guan Qing barely registered Xie Xu’s movement, but in the next second, Huang Weiguo was already on his knees, wailing with snot and tears streaming down his face.

“One slap, one hundred yuan,” Xie Xu repeated, his face cold.

Huang Weiguo barely hesitated, immediately slapping himself.

“Not loud enough.”

He trembled and slapped himself again.

“Haven’t you eaten?”

He slapped himself heavily, and his face instantly swelled. Xie Xu handed him a hundred yuan.

Like a hungry dog spotting a bone, he crawled forward on his knees, taking the money with both hands. He held it under the light, examining it carefully, then tremblingly folded it.

Guan Qing couldn’t bear to see Xie Xu like this. He pulled Xie Xu’s hand. “Really, don’t. He’s not worth it.”

It was only then, as he pulled, that he realized Xie Xu was trembling.

He froze, then hugged him from behind. Xie Xu’s entire body was shaking, yet his voice was icy cold. “He’s not worth it.”

‘—But you are worth it.’

Guan Qing understood his unspoken meaning. He felt his heart soften into a light, airy cloud. He gently stroked Xie Xu’s back. “You really don’t need to do this for me; I no longer care.”

“It’s not for you,” Xie Xu inhaled sharply, his eyes reddening. “It’s for myself.”

Guan Qing froze.

Xie Xu’s state was clearly amiss.

“One slap, one hundred yuan. Say, ‘I’m sorry, I was wrong,'” Xie Xu said, looking down at Huang Weiguo with an expressionless face.

Huang Weiguo slapped himself repeatedly, shouting loudly, “I’m sorry, I was wrong!”

He continued until his face was bruised and swollen, nose bleeding, and saliva trickled from his mouth to the ground, yet his eyes still gleamed with avarice.

Xie Xu pulled out the money and gave it to him. He clutched the money tightly, bowing repeatedly and calling Xie Xu a ‘living Buddha.’

Xie Xu scornfully kicked him. He tumbled over, crashing into a trash can by the wall, scattering ash and banana peels. He remained on the ground, giggling foolishly as he counted the money.

Xie Xu seemed poised to advance further, but Guan Qing embraced him tightly, sobbing, “Enough!”

Xie Xu gasped for breath.

“Xie Xu, it’s enough, truly enough. He’s not worth it. Please stop, I’m scared.”

Xie Xu’s eyes were very red. He looked at Guan Qing in confusion, watching him cry and call his name repeatedly.

Slowly, he began to regain a sliver of clarity from the chaos.

…He sobered up.

Xie Xu stood there, flustered, raising his hand as if to embrace Guan Qing. “Baby, I—”

Guan Qing didn’t retreat, but the look in his eyes was as if he didn’t recognize him.

“D-do you fear me?” He tried to pull at the corner of his mouth, but couldn’t smile.

Guan Qing shook his head. He rested his head on Xie Xu’s shoulder, holding him like a small infant, gently patting his back. “You don’t need to be like this. Everything is in the past.”

“I can’t bear it,” Xie Xu whispered. He lowered his head, his voice trembling uncontrollably. “To think how these people used to bully you, I—”

He was a treasure Xie Xu feared would break even when held in his palms. How had he grown up in such a place, and how many dark things must have happened for Guan Qing to wake from nightmares in tears, trembling all over?

“If only I had met you sooner,” Xie Xu murmured, clutching Guan Qing tightly, finally weeping like a child.

He had never realized how late he was, by so many years. He had once believed he had done well enough, but it turned out he hadn’t.

When Guan Qing needed him most, when he was at his most vulnerable and young, Xie Xu had been absent. Absent for eighteen whole years.

The Guan Qing he met already bore countless scars etched into his heart by these people, yet he still managed to present a perfectly intact part of his heart, smiling at him.

That night ultimately ended with Guan Qing gently stroking his back, softly coaxing him. “My childhood wasn’t actually that hard. My mom earned money as a tailor, she’d buy delicious food, and we’d go to temple fairs and such… Oh, right, want to go together sometime? Don’t you like those things?”

The temple fair story was made up. The delicious food, however, was not.

Guan Qing had never seen many good things since childhood; a bowl of steamed egg custard was already considered a top delicacy.

“It’s truly not late at all, at least I met you.”

Being able to meet Xie Xu was already fortunate enough.

“Okay,” Xie Xu said like a child, counting on his fingers. “Temple fairs, eating good food, and going abroad to play—”

He made exorbitant demands, listing many things, as if eager to book all of Guan Qing’s time for the next lifetime.

Guan Qing, however, simply continued to hold him, smiling, and agreed to each one.

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