Chapter 30: Learning to be Human Again!

Yoojun liked Sayoung’s choice to resolve on revenge rather than simply forgetting Han Jaewoo and living his life. He did not agree with nonsensical sayings like forgiveness being the best form of revenge.

‘If I was hurt, the other person should be hurt enough to die, and if I cried, the other person should shed tears of blood.’

Forgiveness was something to consider only after revenge had been exacted.

However, Sayoung’s revenge was wrong. It was an incorrect method. I should be the one taking revenge, not allowing it to consume everything I have. Sayoung’s revenge seemed no different from ruining himself.

Yoojun, momentarily calming his unwittingly agitated emotions, let out a long breath and continued in a somewhat more composed voice.

“What I mean is… dragging Han Jaewoo down and making him suffer is important, but if Yoon Sayoung’s life doesn’t get better than before, that is nothing more than a half-baked revenge.
Because it feels disgusting to see you suffer like this after all the help I gave you.”

Sayoung simply listened to Yoojun’s words in silence. From his sunken expression, one could not read a single thing about what he was thinking.

It was the first time Yoojun had met someone he found unsatisfactory whether they spoke or stayed still. Yoojun ruffled his own hair neurotically and opened the driver’s seat door.

“Go inside.”

“Yes. Please drive safely. Thank you for taking me home.”

Sayoung, who had remained as still as a mute when important things were being said, only opened his mouth then.

Yoojun got into the car and slammed the door shut before Sayoung’s greeting was even finished. He didn’t want to hear any more cliché expressions of gratitude or apologies.

Through the window, he saw Sayoung standing a step back, not entering the house.
It seemed he was waiting for Yoojun to leave.

‘Is that attitude part of the personality Sayoung originally had, or is it a habit forcibly instilled by Han Jaewoo?’

Leaving behind the things he couldn’t know for now, Yoojun drove the car straight away and departed from Yoon Sayoung.

****

“…….”

Sayoung stood in front of the entrance, blankly gazing at the view of the house inside.

The living room, where nothing existed except for a sofa and a single table, caught his eye first.

‘Is that a house where a person lives?’

The words Yoojun had just spoken came to mind. Sayoung chewed over those words as he slowly moved his steps into the living room.

Yoojun had said this house didn’t look like a place where a person lived and told him to at least bring in some furniture. Sayoung thought that remark was a little strange.

If he brought in furniture. If he filled this space with some objects, would it become a house that looked like a person lived in it?

The house where Sayoung and Jaewoo lived together had everything.

Although the house was lined with expensive furniture and the latest appliances, Sayoung always felt that it was a house where no one lived.
Filling a house with objects was not much different from filling it with nothing.

But at the same time, Sayoung felt he faintly understood what Yoojun meant by telling him to live like a human being.
It wasn’t a problem with the house.
Whether there was furniture or not was not what was important.

Yoojun, too, probably didn’t place meaning on the furniture itself.
The suggestion to bring in furniture was ultimately along the same lines as the words Yoojun had said to him in his previous life.
The moment he realized that, a very small warmth spread from inside his heart like a lie.

Sayoung was clearly alive, but at the same time, there were times when it was hard to be sure if he was actually living.

At such times, he felt as if this time was merely a moment suspended from death.
Like a spectre floating through the world because there was unfinished business.

‘But what is living?’
‘What does it mean to live like a human being?’
Sayoung had lived forgetting that sensation for too long.

It was already like that long before he died.
‘If there existed something mental to realize one’s aliveness beyond simply breathing and moving the body, where and how should one find it?’

A very long time ago, Sayoung finally felt he was alive when he was acting, and he realized the existence of his soul when he met Han Jaewoo and fell in love.

‘Then, now that I have lost both, with what can prove I am alive?’
Sayoung crossed the living room and sat quietly curled up on the sofa, as if sinking into the darkness.

His head, his chest, the back of his hand scratched by fingernails, and his injured leg all hurt, so in the end, no place hurt.

For Sayoung, every day was like that.

****

“Hey, go visit Yoon Sayoung while I’m filming.”

“Pardon?”

Manager Eunseong, who rarely raised his voice in front of Jaewoo, asked back in a loud voice, rarely flustered.

When Jaewoo raised one eyebrow, Eunseong immediately composed himself and shut his mouth.
Of course, he couldn’t completely hide his confused expression.

Jaewoo continued speaking in a tone that suggested it was no big deal, checking his face here and there in the waiting room mirror.

“Just buy something that’s supposedly good for the body, deliver it, and say it’s a congratulatory gift for his discharge.”

“What kind of….”

“And tell him.”

Eunseong felt anxiety at Jaewoo’s ensuing short silence.

Jaewoo brushed back his bangs that had slightly fallen down, turned his head, and looked straight at Eunseong as he spoke.

“Tell him to watch his behavior.”

Eunseong could not understand those words.

The two were already divorced and had become complete strangers.
‘So, what right did Han Jaewoo have to say such a thing to Sayoung?’

‘Even if Sayoung were still Han Jaewoo’s spouse, there would be no reason to hear such words, but in their current relationship, which wasn’t even that, it was an even more absurd sound.’

“Th-that is….”

Eunseong stammered without realizing it.

He knew Jaewoo extremely disliked it when he didn’t understand words at once or asked back, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t be sure that he had heard the words correctly.

Jaewoo wore that peculiar scowl he made when his mood was offended and spoke again, putting strength into every syllable.

“Go tell Yoon Sayoung. Tell him to watch his behavior and not shame my face. Tell him not to flirt with just any man as soon as we divorced and get his name mentioned unnecessarily. Do you not know what I mean?”

Eunseong did not think Sayoung had intentionally approached Kim Yoojun.

‘Even if he had, what was the problem?’

Eunseong knew the cause of this marriage’s breakdown did not lie with Sayoung.

Even if it did lie with Sayoung, it was Han Jaewoo who had made it so he had no other choice.
The face of Sayoung, who politely and attentively took care of him whenever they crossed paths, suddenly came to mind.

Eunseong used to wonder, time and time again, why such a person loved Han Jaewoo.

But Eunseong knew that he, in fact, did not even have the right to think such thoughts.
Eunseong sometimes became Han Jaewoo’s hands and feet to suffocate Sayoung.

There were countless days when he turned a blind eye knowing Sayoung was receiving unfair treatment, and he remained silent even when the public attacked Sayoung with all sorts of wild speculations.

He defended himself by making excuses that he had no power, that he was only unavoidably doing as he was told. Eunseong really couldn’t help it.

When the two finally divorced and he no longer had to be involved in that matter, Eunseong had finally breathed a sigh of relief.

But now, Jaewoo was once again giving Eunseong instructions he could neither understand nor accept.

“Why.”

“…….”

“You don’t want to do it?”

At Eunseong’s rare silence, Han Jaewoo’s voice sank even lower. The corners of Eunseong’s lips trembled.

Eunseong had a younger brother attending university. Eunseong, who couldn’t study properly because of a lack of money, wanted to make sure his brother obtained a 4-year degree no matter what.

His mother, who had suffered all kinds of hardships raising two sons alone, had no place on her body that didn’t hurt.

Eunseong was the head of the household, and the position of Han Jaewoo’s manager paid a significantly higher salary compared to other managers.

The fact that he paid his manager a high annual salary was used as material for Han Jaewoo’s image making, but regardless of that, it was enough for Eunseong as long as a lot of money fell into his hands.

Eunseong feigned ignorance of his heart, which had begun to beat wildly, and bowed his head with a familiar attitude, answering in a docile voice.

“No! Should I go right now?”

Jaewoo stared piercingly at Eunseong with his mouth shut, as if trying to figure out his inner thoughts.

Eunseong skillfully fabricated an enthusiastic yet obedient expression.

After a long while, Jaewoo withdrew his gaze from Eunseong and waved his hand as if annoyed.

“I will be back!”

Eunseong answered with a very sincere and active voice, turned around, and came out of the waiting room, breathing a sigh of relief.

Eunseong knew Han Jaewoo well. He wouldn’t have ordered such a task simply to upset Sayoung.
It was obvious there was another intention.

He couldn’t guess how Sayoung would react to his visit today, but however he reacted, he wouldn’t be able to escape the board Han Jaewoo was currently setting up.

Eunseong forcibly swallowed a sigh that was about to flow out on its own.
Because if he sighed, it would feel like admitting he was truly doing something terrible. Those living exhausted lives do not worry about the misfortunes of others ahead of their own. That was the natural way of the world.

So Eunseong moved again today, repeating countless excuses, defenses, and self-pity for himself.

Eunseong did not know that at the end of the path where he walked those ‘unavoidable’ steps, Yoon Sayoung eventually reached death.